Cravings, Cravings, Cravings

Ok, so I am elated that I am starting to notice my body change. It is unfortunate, but this past Saturday, I found myself craving, craving, craving - everything. I wanted salt, sugar, a combination of both - but no matter what I snacked on or ate as my meal- the craving wasn't satisfied. Do you realize how frustrating that is? I just had to grin and bear it, let it pass - but it did seem to take its sweet and salty ass time.

Maybe its because now that it is beginning to look and feel like fall, I am craving comfort food more than ever. Mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy, apple crisp, pumpkin pie - I think it is a little dangerous to be craving all of these items when I will most likely have them in two weeks for Thanksgiving. Can we say Turkey Overload? I have three Turkey dinners slotted in, plus my best friend's birthday dinner - which will be fabulous. I do have to think about how I will face this food filled weekend - I will be sure to have activity each day next week, up until Friday night when I have my own Turkey dinner with those I love. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE this time of year and this holiday in particular? The only thing is, the colder it gets, the more I spend time indoors and then before you know it I am sitting in pj's on a cold and snowy day ordering in pizza because it is too nasty to go outside. I have thought about getting WI Fit for the winter months because the minus thirty wind chill will be difficult to run through - it always kills my lungs for hours afterwards - let me know your thoughts....

Yesterday, I went for my walk and I ran more than I have since I have started - which felt great. Remember, this is toward my new goal of running half way in 2 weeks from now. I worked my body hard, and it thanked me afterward. What was unexpected on my run was that I literally ran into an old and dear friend on the street corner. Just like a movie. Things happened just after college graduation and we haven't seen each other since then. We caught each others' eyes on the corner and spent a few minutes making small talk. You know, the easy questions - "What are you up to now?" and "How are you doing?" It was slightly uncomfortable, knowing what had happened in the past - but I got through it. Back then after everything happened, I had written letters to him that I never sent, telling him how sorry I was for everything and until I found him on Facebook about two years ago - I finally told him in an email how much I had missed the friendship we had shared. He was a man that when we were together, we laughed so much, I felt a genuine connection, although not a physical one. It wasn't about that. He was my dear, great friend. All those years, wondering what if I hadn't been so ridiculous, what if he believed the truth opposed to what he was told? When looking back on mistakes I have made in my life, he is one of the people I had missed and it made me sad to think about what a loss it truly was not having him in my life.

After we parted and I continued my walk, I started to reflect. Ten years have passed and I was reminded of how much I had missed him. I felt very close to him, trusted him as he was an amazing friend. Seeing him yesterday was nice, it was because I have wanted to see him for so long. I do also realize that we are completely different people now. He is living his own life and I am living mine. The comfort I once felt, is no longer there. So much time has passed. This brings me back to certain people come into your life at certain times for certain reasons. He was there back then and at that time perhaps it was exactly what I needed. All I know is that after last night, I received some closure and that felt wonderful. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad - it was genuine happiness to see him, but I can move forward not beating myself up for what I should / could have done differently. The one thing I know for sure, are the people who stick with you through everything. The misunderstandings, the distance, the time. You just pick up where you left off and know that no matter what, you can count on them.

I have no idea how or why this weather turns me into such a sap.

After my run, I went grocery shopping. I will prepare dinner tonight. I know that "they" say never to go shopping on an empty stomach - but I couldn't help it last night. I do know why they say that. Cravings, cravings, cravings....everywhere. Each step I took I wanted something different for dinner. I finally decided on a lean cuisine personal sized pizza - which was incredible by the way. I need to find more of those!

Exercise Today: Make dinner, perhaps run, perhaps not - still deciding. Taking a Zumba class tomorrow night - will let you know how that is and back to the ACC for the Leafs home opener Thursday.

Recommendations:

5* Starbucks Cookies

Mariah New Album Plug - Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel - released today!!!!

Dr. Dre - 2001 - best album of all time non Mariah - check it out it will make you run hard!

Have you downloaded Neil Diamond yet? This will make you enjoy working out, I promise....only one song though - that's all you need!

Blog Soon,

PFF

p.s. I want to hear from you if you have any suggestions or anything you would like to see more / less of on my blog to make it more enjoyable for you! If you like it the way it is, then wonderful!

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 6

Week 6 Numbers Game:
Weight: 205 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 3

Lbs Lost thus far: 14
Lbs still needed to lose: 36
Desserts consumed: 2
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 3

KM walked: 20.8 KM - yes, I totally slacked off this week - but I will go tonight in the rain!!
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 0

Emotional Breakdowns: 1 - Frustration post says it all

Guest walkers: 1

I am not going to lie. I am starting to feel better about all of this, especially with 2 weeks straight of loss. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that I wasn't able to put on for the longest time, two years long - so that felt great. Also, when I look in the mirror, I am starting to see results in my lower back - so those pigeons will not be able to caww or purr or gawk at my back phat when I am choked by my own neck phat anymore! I know this will take time, but I am on the right path and I am proud that I am sticking to it so far. You never know, I may fall off the wagon, but I don't plan to. Not that anyone ever intends to, you just fall back into bad habits I think - or at least I do anyway hence why yet again, I am trying to lose the excess poundage.

Regarding "Frustration" earlier this week, although certain people say really stupid things sometimes, I have no control over that. What I do have control over is how I react and I need to start not turning those comments inward and take things so personally. He was an idiot man who said something stupid, probably not intending to hurt my feelings but just not thinking of the effects it may or may not have. Regardless, I thank all of you who sent your support regarding treating myself to popcorn. It would be ridiculous to imagine not ever having popcorn again, or having treats - I love food way too much - but everything now needs to be in moderation.

Yesterday, I went to Milestones for Brunch and had eggs benedict with a salad, dressing on the side. Sure, the hollandaise is what kills you - but I decided it had been 6 weeks since I had it and again, wanted to treat myself. I could have had scrambled egg whites, but I figured why not...I can't make Eggs Benedict so may as well order it. I also had a fabulous mimosa. I am not going to feel bad about it, because I know that I am doing well, I am working hard and in time I will get to where I want to be. There will be bumps in the road, mountains to climb and many more tears shed, but in the end, I will succeed. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I am the only one who can do this - who is doing this for me and I am the one that cares enough to make it happen for myself.

Many of you have shown kind support, encouraging words and I value that more than you could imagine. Thank you as always and believe me, it helps me every day.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Frustration

Ok..So why can't people understand and realize how difficult this is? I think people can be so insensitive at times, or perhaps I am the most sensitive person on earth.

It is not easy for someone to admit their faults to everyone. Believe me. Think about the one thing you dislike about yourself (if you have something) and tell everyone about it. Something that you do, something that you have, something that you have done. Think about how difficult it would be to look at it in the face, broadcast it to everyone you know, your crush, your friends and just hope that you don't get criticized or judged on it. You can only hope for support, but then there is this one person that can say or look at you in one way, and bring you to tears. People are entitled to their opinions, of course, but sometimes, people should really think about what they say before saying it - or what the adverse effect it would have on someone's psyche. Really? Didn't we all learn when we were small, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all? I am guilty of this, but I am not one to judge my "friends" on their faults - I accept them for who they are and love them anyway.

It is bad enough that I am posting my weight to the world - which was my own choice, fine, I am bringing this upon myself maybe. I make each and every decision to make healthier choices for myself in order to reach my goal. So this morning, I was telling a co-worker about my fun experience at the movies last night where on Tuesday's with your ticket, you get a free regular popcorn and regular drink. Instead of saying "that is so cool" because he has kids he can take on a Tuesday, the first thing he said - was how much fat and salt are in popcorn and shook his head with that smart alec know it all expression on his face. I was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like a total jackass. I told him to not talk to me. I told him he was rude. I got extremely defensive and on the way back to the office, I walked away from him and went back on my own. Sure, this may sound dramatic, but I was livid. Actually, I felt like a hippo or a rhino. I made a choice yesterday to eat popcorn and have a diet pop - which since I have started my new regime, I haven't had. Yesterday I ate a variety of fruit for lunch. For breakfast? A non fat latte and lemon cranberry muffin that has 3 grams of fat. For Dinner? A lean cuisine that had 6 grams of fat. My intake was low. The volume of food was low. Sure, I didn't go for my walk - but I am going tonight for 13km - all that doesn't matter, just the fact that I am a fat cow eating popcorn at a movie just ruined everything I have accomplished or trying to accomplish going forward, right?

All of you reading can judge me if you want and think yes, she shouldn't have had popcorn. She is disgusting and no wonder why she is fat. Yes, the ugly fat. Not the fat I try to pretend it is by making it softer, or prettier with different letters.

I am crying with frustration right now because I am trying to do the right thing. By sharing my experience I thought I was doing a good thing here. A good thing for others to know they aren't alone in this battle. A good thing for others to relate to. A good thing for myself to help get through the hard times, the challenges, the frustrations and the emotional roller coaster this seems to be. This isn't easy and I told you from the beginning that I would share the good and the bad. The tears of frustration are here right now, and you get to see them up close and personal - as it is happening similar to a breaking news story on CNN.

Exercise Today: try to stop crying and feeling incredibly hurt and defeated because I ate popcorn. Think about how well I have done and focus on the positive feedback I have received instead of this insensitive jerk.

Blog soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 5

So, another week has passed. I am happy to report the following:

Week 5 Numbers Game:

Weight: 208 lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 6 (this was due to retaining water like a PMSing desert animal)

Lbs Lost thus far: 11

Lbs still needed to lose: 39

Desserts consumed: 1

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1
KM walked: 53 KM (thank you guest walkers!)

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 1.5

This is much harder than you can imagine, unless you are lucky enough to be challenging yourself with losing weight as well. Some seem to lose it much faster than others. I am not one that loses it quickly it seems. I know if I kick up my running game, I will start shedding perhaps 3lbs a week on the regular, so like I mentioned in my previous blog, my goal is to run at least half way of the 13km in the next 3 weeks. It is a goal that can change and I can extend if I need to, but that is what I am hoping for and working towards right now.

Guest Walkers (contact me if you would like to walk together 13km!)

Thank you to those who have walked along beside me. I have to say, it is so much fun having guests join me for my walks. It makes the time go by quickly and I love the conversations that happen. You can discuss a lot walking, especially if there is no running involved because you have just under two hours to kill time. I think with my newest goal to be met, I do need to step it up and run much more. Quit the talking, quit the lip syncing to songs and focus focus focus running up that Mount (not so) Pleasant Mountain. I have two guest walkers this week to look forward to because it feels more like a social occasion than a work out. To be honest, I do dread working out at times, thinking of how heavy my body feels trying to run. That's the part I dread. Its like a rhinoceros or a hippopotamus trying to run - picture it, as that's how heavy I feel. Mind you, a rhino or hippo with really great hair, but in the end, still a rhino or hippo. Thinking about that makes it easy to want to give up, but then I look at Eva Mendes in that one pic and I want to work that much harder to take those photos myself.

Editors Note: do you remember Hungry Hungry Hippos? I LOVED that game when I was little. I mentioned this in high school once and someone decided my name should be "Hungraay" so going forward, that's what he called me..it was cute for a while, but to think of it now, just a tiny bit insulting at the same time.

Although those game hippos are really cute, the real ones I must say are adorable. They are my favourite, same with the rhinoceroses. I wonder sometimes if they have the same issues I do. If they feel other animals are staring at them, watching what they eat...thinking if only they lost 10lbs or 50lbs that other hippos / rhinos would think they are cute enough to date? I wonder if Hippos stay at home on a Saturday night, having a glass of wine thinking "I really need to get out more, but this weight is really holding me back!" or if they have a problem every woman seems to, "I have nothing to wear"..although I suspect they are naked all the time anyway. Just putting it out there for everyone to see. I think these guys are really brave. Actually, maybe I should be more like them! Regardless, I really hope that other wildlife aren't making fun of them behind their backs or to their faces. My heart is soft for these guys, they are just so darn cute and I hope they find happiness and don't feel sad or bad about who they are or what they look like because that is not fun for anyone. Regardless, they should know that I love them for who they are, and think they are mighty fine just as they are.

On a side note, I went to Barfalo over the weekend. The name Barfalo came from a fabulous girl I used to work with. It is brilliant and completely fits what it encompasses. Buffalo is what others know it as. I must say I was there yesterday, and I have never seen so many morbidly obese people in my life - other than Disneyland in California. We went to the grocery store and there was only one isle of fruits and vegetables and everything else was processed food filled with sugars, syrups and names we can't pronounce. Just walking through the isles, made me feel so unhealthy. We were hungraay after our three hours of shopping, so we went to Pondorosa - yes, haven't been to one since I was 8 years old. The set up has changed, it is serve yourself and you can order something, but have access to the buffet with your order. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, cut the chicken up (sans the bun) and put it in salad from the salad bar. We also ordered a baked potato to go with our meal. My friend's baked potato had more "butter" on it then the size of the potato. I mean, it was beyond disgusting. To prove this point, my fabulous girlfriend took a picture with her finger pointing to the "butter" I have attached here. Needless to say, the potato and "butter" remained uneaten.

Surrounding us in this restaurant were large men and mostly very large women who went up for their 3rd and 4th overloaded plates with huge portions of everything. I don't want to end up looking like that, as shallow as that may sound and that was all I could think to myself. I don't want to eat like that either. Everything about that experience yesterday was unhealthy, I am so proud of myself for making healthier choices for myself and my body. I know I am not near my goal right now, but each and everyday I will get just a little bit closer to the person I long to be. No longer Phat, but extremely Fit and Fabulous!

The last thing I would like to mention today is that I was speaking with a man on Saturday night who has lost 80lbs over the past two years and has kept it off. I asked him some tips on what he had done, what he found useful and this is what he shared with me:

1. Don't deny yourself, or you are only setting yourself up to fail
2. Limit portions
3. Exercise - but do exercise that you love or you will stop doing it and again, set yourself up to fail - he does it about 3 - 4 times a week - if he doesn't feel like it, he doesn't but then makes sure he kicks his own butt to do more the following week
4. Instead of eating a pizza at night and going to bed weekly, have a slice or two once a month
5. It is a lifestyle change, not a diet because you again, will set yourself up to fail
6. You have to put a positive spin on the process and try not beat yourself up - if you skip a workout, just make sure you make up for it the following week
7. As you progressively lose the weight, remember to look at pictures at your starting weight regularly and remember and accept that is your past and it will also help motivate you to move forward as you don't want to be that person - in time, you will realize you were a completely different person.

He mentioned the reason he wanted to focus on losing the weight was because he didn't see too many obese men walking around at 80 years old, and he said he realized, there aren't any because they are all dead. He came to that morbid possibility for himself and realized he didn't want to die - hence the lifestyle change. Bravo to him and all that he has accomplished, truly an inspiration and he looks fantastic!

Although he shared things with me that I already had an idea of, a really helpful thing he shared also was that to look at weight loss in parts. I had considered this before as I am always playing mind games, but what he said just hit me. Lose weight at 10lbs intervals. You know that you can lose 10lbs fairly easily if you work hard. Reward yourself and be proud of accomplishing that feat, and focus on the next 10lbs, then the next 10lbs and then all of a sudden - your clothes are loosely fitting, people are noticing and hopefully commenting on how great you look. From there, you will just shed the pounds 10 by 10 and soon you will reach your goal.

Now, I am 11lbs in, 39lbs to go to reach my first goal and the point of this blog. Technically, 4 more smaller goals of 10lbs that are completely attainable with hard work and motivation, I have no doubt at this moment that I will succeed! (ask me in 4 days when I am having an off day, it may change)

Exercise today: Keg for dinner tonight, 13km walk / run tomorrow morning before work - walking partners set for Thursday & Friday...any takers on Wednesday? You know what is super cool? I don't even crave the Starbucks cookie anymore....

Thank you all for motivating me, keeping me strong, focused and letting me feel the love and support.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Holy Phat Blog Batman

All I can say is I am eating healthy, still working out - but yet, I feel like a complete cow. How does that happen? I feel like I have gained 10lbs let alone 4 since Montreal last weekend. When I was in our Fantastique hotel, there was a scale in our room. I weighed myself both days. I was even impressed on Saturday because I was 210lbs towards the end of the day, after I ate - which means that I would have had a loss on Monday for sure! Nope, didn't happen like that.

Perhaps I am suffering from the dreaded PMS and retaining water like a desert animal. I understand that your body can do some weird things at certain times, but really? Why do I feel completely bloated right now? I have been doing this for over a month now, and yes, I am impatient at times - but really? I liked losing 2lbs a week...that was so much fun! I kind of counted on it. I figured my weight on Monday reflected my cheating behaviour in Montreal but by Tuesday or at least today I thought it would have changed to a more realistic number this morning - again, nope. What the H - E Double Hockey Sticks is a girl to do?! The poutine was incredible, but really? Did I need to eat the whole thing? Actually, yes...who am I kidding, I did.

Yesterday, I had my latte, a low fat lemon cranberry muffin, tons of water. For lunch, I just ate some blackberries, a half turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich, a strawberry, banana & orange freshly squeezed juice (no added sugar) and I was about to embark on some strawberries - but they hadn't started calling me 'Baby' so I declined. I ate a delicious Tika Marsala PC blue label dinner which was actually delicious. I went for a 13km last night with special Guest Sarah - it is amazing how quickly a walk can go by when you have such a great conversation going! Thank you lovely lady! Tonight, I am looking forward to trekking out to my old hometown Oakville with my old homegirl Andrea. So 26km so far this week, plus tonight it will be 39km and the week isn't even over yet! I am telling you right now, if by Monday there is an additional 4lbs or if I have not lost 6lbs - I will be so utterly frustrated.

39km is great....but I have been advised by an extremely Pretty, Popular and Confident girl who every year spends an entire weekend walking to end breast cancer with her Cosmic Girls (http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR?px=2348268&fr_id=1440&pg=personal) to get one of those Nike Plus systems for my runs that I can insert in my shoe and connect to my Ipod. I am looking at it for this week, and could possibly start that log on Monday and sharing it here. I was using the stopwatch on my Ipod and sometimes using the Log Your Run on Facebook - and it isn't accurate enough for me. I need to know how many calories I am burning and having a "big brotha" on my shoulder as I go out every other day - I can measure myself against my own personal best each time and there is no room for excuses. Plus, apparently Lance Armstrong speaks to you and tells you how amazing you are annnndddddd you get a certificate from Nike recognizing 1000 km once you have reached that incredible number. Perhaps if Eric Dane or Mark Ruffalo offered a massage after my run, or tell me how gorgeous I am I would have picked it up a LONG time ago - anyone know if that is available?

Yesterday I was creeping on an "ex-friend's" Facebook profile through my fake account - please don't ask - and I was looking at his pictures. I promise this is not an ex boyfriend, literally, an old friend. He used to be pretty large before. In June 2008 he had started going for walks / runs. He started eating healthy and stopped drinking alcohol. I was looking at pictures of him today, and he has run over 1000km and even has the certificate from Nike to prove it! He looks great. Let me rephrase this, he looks incredible and completely different and is running a full marathon in the next few weeks. Right now, his practice runs are around 32km and he runs 13km in about 1 hour and 20 minutes - perhaps less. It amazes me looking at him and the change he has made for the better. The fact that he is sticking to it. As ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me at the same time. I look at him with such envy thinking that he can do this and he has accomplished so much! He is so far ahead of me. You can't really compare apples to oranges, and I really have to recognized even he had to start somewhere to get where he is today...but, it is really hard to imagine when I feel like I do today that I can get to that point.

When I am on my walk / run - I know that I am not running enough. I told myself I wanted to take it slow so I wouldn't burn out but now I think I am taking it too slow. I need to set a goal that by 2 - 3 weeks from now I can run at least the full half way. I am not doing that right now. I even feel winded running short distances although increasing slowly and I have been doing this for a month now. Not too much of a change, but I need to remember to stick with it, as annoying as it is.

This is my inspiration. It goes along with Kate Winslet naked with fur on a chaise. One day I will have photos like this taken. The only four ways this can happen are:

a. with an incredible hair stylist like Salvatore Leonetti in Yorkville:

Salvatore brings a fresh, creative and undisputed talent to every client he meets
Phone: 416.849.9385
Website: http://www.salvatoreleonettisalon.com/

b. With an amazing make up artist Clare Pupo at Toni & Guy Yorkville:
Clare takes the smoky eye to a new dimension....
Phone: 416.920.7775
http://toniguy.com/

c. With a great photographer like Mark Bradfield at http://www.digitalkreation.com/

and of course...

d. my own drive, ambition, hard work and dedication to my own personal goal of being Fit & Fabulous!

Within a year, it wont be Eva Mendes or Kate Winslet, it will be ME plastered all over this blog in lingerie looking fierce - honestly, could she look more fabulous in these shots? One day, one day PFF - I am just going to ogle myself at that point!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Pigeon S%^& Has Hit The Phan

Well, the time has come for Luke to make his decision. You may have read one of my earlier posts on one of my bitter days about this show and what a bad representation of Phat women it portrays. It is now between Tali (my personal favourite) and that manipulative fake beeotch waitress Malissa (who spells Melissa like that anyway?!). She is trying to win, not win the heart of the man she supposedly loves after 4 weeks of filming a show where dream dates are constant. Where any normal girl would be lucky to go on once in her life, let alone each week. Sure, I have been flown to Hawaii for a romantic beach dinner and moonlit walk after 2 dates - who hasn't? I am never a fan of these shows, but like I have expressed before, I am someone addicted to the train wreck that is More to Love. No, if you are asking, I am not afraid to express what I really think about this, but you should know that I am pretty happy about sharing my opinion by now.

Tonight is the last episode and I am watching while I write this. I don't know what the end result is, but I have a feeling that the evil girl will win. Don't they always? If he does choose to propose to the spawn of satan, then he is the one who must live with it, not me.

I wont lie, I will be effected by it. I hate when the evil girl wins. For myself, I always try to do the best thing, the right thing. When it comes to relationships, I am no expert. Sure, I can give someone reasonable advice and can see a jerk a million miles away. How dare he treat you this way? You deserve so much better girl, forget about him! Oh yeah, I can tell you to ignore him until he calls, that it will take him 4 days to call you - and everytime I predict something, 9 times out of 10 it happens exactly how I say it will. I have witnesses that can confirm. So, why is it so clear for me to see it in the great women that surround me, but I cannot for the life of me see it for myself?

Speaking of Trainwrecks: you may have read “Dropping the Phony” or “Unrequited Pigeon Love” where it told a story about Boy meets Girl and how it turns out that Girl starts to dream Boy's friend. Let's just say, the Pigeon shit has hit the fan. When will I ever learn? If only I could look at the situation from the outside and find the strength to listen to my inner voice that says what I am doing is foolish. Why would I profess my feelings to a man that I barely know based just on what my heart “feels”? Crazy right? Why would I be so persistent? Why couldn't I just let it be and accept that if it was meant to happen, it would work itself out on its’ own? If a friend of mine told me this situation my answer is easy. Let it go. Let both go. Totally not worth it, if a man is interested you will know – just like my trusty bible (He’s Just Not That Into You) has told me numerous times before.

All I can say is that I would never intentionally hurt someone, I just wouldn't. I wouldn't specifically do something behind someones back for my own personal gain. I try to be as honest as possible, and follow my heart and my feelings. The fact that I feel what I feel, I can't always control that. Sure, I could have controlled the relentless pursuit, but if my heart is telling me something and my head agrees - shouldn't I try and follow what I think is the right thing to do for me? It wouldn't be fair to my own heart if I just ignored it. Sure, it wasn't an ideal situation, but sometimes you just can't help who you develop feelings for and I don't want to be someone who lives with regret. I am certainly not a Malissa. I am a Tali. I am a hard working, determined woman who is passionate looking for a man who is determined and driven. Someone who will inspire me. Someone who will accept me for who I am, my mistakes, whether I am Phat or Fit but always Fabulous and eventually in time fall deeply in love with me.

We live in a day and age where women should take control – what is wrong with asking a man out or letting him know you are interested? Many of you I am sure have an opinion on this. Men claim they like a woman who takes control and asks them out. I am not so sure.

These days more and more women are waiting to get married, prolonging having children, focusing on their careers and have the ability to do anything on their own. Hell, we can even satisfy our individual physical desires with a variety of ways if you can read between the lines of what I am saying. Thus making the need for a man somewhat obsolete - or some would think. You hear women claim “I don’t need or want a man” yet it is the first conversation piece at Brunch, Lunch, Dinner, Drinks or any other social gathering when women get together.

Editors note: This is EXACTLY why girlfriends are so important – they love you no matter what mistakes you make and support you through it all and will talk to you about it until it is fully dissected.

Men do seem to have it easy, but if they are meant to be the “provider”, the “pursuer” I do trust that they are the only ones who can do this for a woman to remind her that she is indeed a woman. Although very independent, I am old fashioned at heart and believe in having doors opened for me, dinner paid for, a kiss on the cheek at the end of a first date and that man asking for the second date before the first one is over. So why, why, why do I insist on asking a man to see me or go out with me when it has been expressed by him that he is uncomfortable?

As much as I can do for myself, it could never replace what a man can bring to the table. Men are strong, they love sports, they can fix things, they are handsome, they are fathers, they are brothers and uncles. They are sexy, aggressive, funny, smell really, really good and have the perfect resting place for your head after a tough day. They can get ready in 5 minutes for a formal occasion and make your heart skip a beat when they tell you how beautiful you are. They listen and agree, offer sound advice and know that they really never can win against a woman in an argument. They buy flowers, leave notes and they know how to kiss you to make you realize nothing else matters. I don’t care what anyone says, I cannot do that for myself, only a man can.

Friend's and others gasp when they learn I am single, telling me "it will happen when you least expect it" or "it will happen when it is right". "Don't worry" they say, "you will find someone....just give it time". Isn't that exactly what I have been doing? Is 33 years not enough time? I digress. My point is, when you are a good woman, it can be very difficult to find a good man in this day and age.

My word is all I have, and right now, it means nothing. I must admit, I am disappointed in myself but no point in dwelling. I can only dust myself off, and learn the lesson here, right? Right! That is exactly why I am so Fabulous! So, I have made a fool of myself and hurt someone in the process unintentionally. At least I followed my heart and more importantly can only learn from the mistakes I have made and try my hardest not make the same ones again.

Exercise Today: Day off, walked 13km last night – continue to eat well – walking 13km with Special Guest tomorrow – can’t wait and most importantly, focus on myself - that is what this blog is all about - becoming a better, healthier me! I think once I achieve that, everything else will somehow fall into place.

Blog Soon,
PFF

Editors note: Luke didn't pick spawn of satan - woo hoo! Victory is mine...well, Tali's.

Le Grand Poids Phat Révèle - la Semaine 4

Les rédacteurs en chef notent : rendez Afin de l'hommage à une de mes villes canadiennes préférées et les dernières vacances mini-je posterai mon blog dans le français aussi bien que l'anglais aujourd'hui.

Ok, donc ce n'est pas les plus grandes nouvelles cette semaine. Peut-être c'était le fait que je suis allé à Montréal et suis parti vraiment bon, mais ai alors cédé quand nous sommes allés au meilleur restaurant Poutine à Montréal. Un des restaurants auxquels nous sommes allés pour le dîner était un du meilleur Risotto que je consommais jamais et en tout tres Magnifique. L'autre était un endroit grec stupéfiant qui avait le meilleur Poulet Brochette avec Tzatziki que je goûtais jamais. Peut-être il avait quelque chose pour faire avec la bouteille de vin que nous avons dû acheter au magasin d'avantage avant le fait de le finir avec le dîner. Le restaurant grec était BYOB, mais oh si délicieux avec le pain pita warmed pour mourir pour. Peut-être c'était le croissant de chocolat mini-que j'avais samedi matin avant la ville d'eau (avec les quantités amples de fruit sur le côté je peux ajouter!). Peut-être c'était le fait que nous avions quelques casse-croûte sur la voie à la maison la nuit dernière, qui a inclus un timbits, des plumes, sunchips, maltesers, des croissants et des muffins. Oh vraiment, j'ai triché ce week-end. C'était le premier week-end j'ai eu des frites, un chocolat, plus qu'un verre de vin et de timbits. Je me suis senti coupable et je n'ai pas complètement perdu mon esprit et mange les volumes que j'ai utilisés à, mais la culpabilité et la honte sont toujours avec moi. Je suis sans doute Phatter cette semaine et un peu Moins fabuleux - mais espère le compenser cette semaine.

Semaine 4 Jeu de Nombres:

Poids : 214 livres

Livres Perdues cette semaine : 0

Livres Gagnées cette semaine : 4

Livres Perdues jusqu'ici : 5

Desserts consommés : 1.5

Biscuits de Starbucks : 0

Beurre de Cacahuète par la petite cuillère : 5 :( avez-vous lu des Lumières à haute voix ?

Le KM a marché : 26 kms

Verres de Shiraz : 4

Poutine : 1 - et le garçon oh le garçon était cela jamais bon.

Fiez-vous en moi, je suis déçu et écœuré avec moi autant que vous êtes sans doute . Vraiment, je peux garantir que je suis plus.

Exercice Aujourd'hui : la Promenade / dirige 13 kms aussitôt que je reviens à la maison; Essayez de ne pas me battre en haut pour gagner cette semaine et essayer de ne pas avoir l'impression d'être un échec.

Blog Bientôt,

PFF

Editors note: In order to pay tribute to one of my favourite Canadian cities and the latest mini vacation I will post my blog in French as well as English today.

Ok, so it isn't the greatest news this week. Maybe it was the fact that I went to Montreal and started off really good but then gave in when we went to the best Poutine restaurant in Montreal. One of the restaurants we went to for dinner was one of the best Risotto's I have ever consumed and overall tres Magnifique. The other was an amazing Greek place that had the best Chicken Brochette with Tzatziki I have ever tasted. Perhaps it had something to do with the bottle of wine we had to purchase at the convenience store before polishing it off with dinner. The Greek restaurant was BYOB, but oh so delicious with warmed pita to die for. Perhaps it was the mini chocolate croissant I had Saturday morning before the spa (with ample amounts of fruit on the side I may add!). Perhaps it was the fact that we had some snacks on the way home last night, which included some timbits, nibs, sunchips, maltesers, croissants and muffins. Oh yeah, I cheated this weekend. This was the first weekend I have had chips, chocolate, more than one glass of wine and timbits. I felt guilty, and I didn't completely lose my mind and eat the volumes I used to but the guilt and shame are still with me. I am definitely Phatter this week and a little less Fabulous - but hope to make up for it this week.

Week 4 Numbers Game:
Weight: 214 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 0

Lbs Gained this week: 4
Lbs Lost thus far: 5 :(
Desserts consumed: 1.5
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the teaspoon: 5 :( -did you read Lights Out?
KM walked: 26 KM
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 1 - and boy oh boy was it ever good.

Trust me, I am disappointed and disgusted with myself as much as you probably are. Actually, I can guarantee I am more.

Exercise Today: Walk / run 13km as soon as I get home; Try not to beat myself up for gaining this week and try not to feel like a failure.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Peanut Butter Shame

I am guilty of peanut butter overload. Three teaspoons and some jam when I got home. It was a difficult 24 hours. That's not all....I have had 2 others in the past three days.

I know, I know.

PFF

Lights Out

Literally.

Last night the lights were out at Queen and Broadview. A blackout occurred in Apartment 2. "Funny" you say, "I don't remember hearing about that on the news"... Isn't that funny how that works? The thing is, the blackout happened because sometimes I make choices that aren't necessarily the right ones. I am already known for the improper food decisions and poor choice in men that I have made (and am working on) but those ones aren't the only ones apparently.

For example, instead of paying my hydro bill everytime I get one, I tend to go into denial and put it in a safe place. Thinking that it will be paid on its own? or the magical bill fairy will come and pay it when I am not looking at it. After a while of doing this, say, 6 or 7 months or until it reaches a certain amount, sometimes over a thousand dollars, like they do in the movies, they pull the plug. Editor's Note: Think The Pursuit of Happyness, starring Will Smith - who the real person he portrayed is a self made millionaire, I'm just sayin'

Last night I went to training at the ACC for the upcoming season, and then went home to a note in my mailbox. Nope, not a nice note. Not a love letter. Not even a postcard from Jamaica or the Bahamas from some old fairweather friends. This wasn't even a warning or anything. This beautiful note told me that my service had been disconnected. I was shocked, thinking in my head it was just a warning, right? This couldn't have happened. Oh no, I was wrong. Not a warning at all. Maybe the warnings were in all those envelopes I didn't open?

I entered my lovely apartment and all was dark. No time lit on the cable box, light switches didn't work. You know, the brightside is that I did learn last night how much I rely on electricity. Lights, television, internet, Rogers home phone, Jacuzzi tub all require electricity to work. Who knew? At least the hot water was still working after my much needed stress relieving 13km run last night. I was talking myself through getting through a cold shower when I got home but to my surprise, I guess there was still some hot water left in the tank, just for me! I also took a nice hot shower this morning too - perhaps my reward for all of my hard work? Both were done by candlelight so at least they were romantic.

I slept with the windows open last night, as shocking as this may sound, you can't run air conditioning without electricity either! Again, who knew?! So, I got up at 6:30am because the sound of the 24 hour streetcars wouldn't let me rest. Shaking my apartment, squealing around the corner. They actually felt like they were running right through my head. Oh yeah, a "not so" pleasant morning indeed. After 15 years of living on my own, this has never happened. I have never actually had my electricity cut off. Thankfully, my awesome neighbour (yes, there is one!) is holding some food in his freezer and fridge for me that I had purchased over the weekend so not all is lost. I was thinking on my run last night - yes, I had to go last night to fight away the tears, thinking that I am a failure. I am not a failure, I just made a really bad decision for approximately 6-7 months. I am ok and can live with that.

Instead of paying my Hydro bill over the past few months, I have done some important things! I have bought $1000.00 worth of bedding, pillows and paint for my room renovation; have had the most Fabulous weekend in NYC; Oh, and that trip to Vegas staying at the Bellagio as a "nice little getaway." I have also purchased gifts for myself such as Tiffany, clothes, dinners out; a new car....and the list goes on. These are all things I clearly needed. I believe in treating myself, that is for sure. Don't they always say "Pay yourself first?!" I believe in that bigtime as I always pay myself first, doing what I want when I want to...is that so wrong? I have worked very hard, I think treats are mandatory. Like this weekend for example, I am going to Montreal - I haven't been in a few years and need to go to celebrate Baby Momma's birthday with three fabulous ladies! How could I say no??

Editor's Note: Shout out to Baby Momma (www.thecupcakeryto.com), Pat (the Hottest and newest Bevi Cafe owner at 650 Queensway in Etobicoke) and the magnificent super momsy Tama - can I get a What! What!

I also think the hydro bill had a lot to do with that Phony character who I am thankfully clean of....but he did use up a lot of hot water, being that he is full of hot air. Also, money that could have gone towards paying that bill was spent paying for everything, every single time Phony would drop by. I basically supported the 35 year old child for quite a long time. What a waste of money that was. Editor's Note: If a man doesn't buy groceries when he wants to cook for you - get out ASAP. Everything was to make him more comfortable. Oh, he was comfortable, he told me to get him different deodorant as he didn't like the Anti-Perspirant I had picked up for him. This wouldn't bother me if he brought his own or had done something for me once in a while, but nope. Never again. Getting rid of the Phony also has provided some stress & frustration relief as well as financial freedom. Now I feel like I am 55, but younger and even more Fabulous with a bit more disposable / bill paying income.

I wrote an email to Oprah yesterday afternoon, maybe this has happened to provide additional information for my video bio before I am introduced as guest on her show. Maybe this Blog is going to get me rich, famous and most importantly get a book deal. At that point, I can hire someone to pay my hydro and someone else who can hold my straw for me while I drink water (Mariah has one). Until then, I will keep blogging and keep losing and ensure that my Hydro is P.A.I.D.

Recommendations:

*5+ Starbucks Cookies

Pay your damn hydro bill, they really do actually cut your hydro off if you don't. Lesson learned Big Brother watching, Hydro will be paid early going forward to ensure this nightmare doesn't happen again.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Editor's Note: Hydro has been paid, and should be back on by the time I get home today. Also, the best way to ensure a guy doesn't get interested in you tell them you have done this. It is amazing how humiliated you can feel which makes it easy to move on from other humiliations you face when consistently telling them you want to go out with them, like in your blog for instance. Now too humiliated to speak to them - you avoid rejection!

My Love For Fall

Today the kids go back to school, or to school for the first time. I can feel a hint of it in the air already. Although still technically summer, the last long weekend has come and gone and we are headed into my favourite time of year.

The sun is orange and bright. The mornings are filled with cool, crisp air. I wrap myself in sweaters made of wool with thick belts and collars I can escape in. The trees change colour, the leaves fall and you know that snow and sleet are just around the corner but it is ok. The feeling of this magical season literally brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes when the wind blows, and the leaves on the trees dancing their slow dance, I melt. I also feel inspired. A new hope consumes me, and I feel anything is possible.

My official song for the fall, that makes me cry everytime I hear it in the beginning of this season. Open Arms by Mariah Carey is just Fabulous. I don't know how to upload video yet, but follow this link to listen while you read on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye8oc98qfHk

I have a deep love for fall. I would be happy to give up Spring, Summer & Winter if only Fall lasted all year long. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday mainly because of the weather and the warmth it brings. You get to spend time with people you really love and care about. It is different from Christmas. I do love Christmas, but it is just not the same. What is not to love about Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, warm apple crumble, the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin pie all without the nasty snow? Plus, it is the one time of year I love to use my oven to prepare food, instead of using it for storage. This year, I will host a Thanksgiving dinner for those I love the most and celebrate how far I have come. By October 12th, it will be 3 months and I will be hopefully 30 lbs lighter.

Maybe this time of year brings me back to when I was a young girl, playing with leaves after raking them. Collecting acorns in the ravine behind my house. When things seemed a lot more simple. The trees, so many beautiful and warm colours - everywhere! Going back to school with new clothes, binders, pens, markers and the opportunity of new beginnings and fresh starts.
There are so many things to be grateful for and I think it is the one time of year I actually sit and reflect and recognize how much the people in my life truly mean to me. Those friends that have been there through it all. The friends from my past that helped me make it through difficult times. The friends that I really wouldn't be here still without. The friends that are my family. The friends that I never see. The friends that I have lost touch with but have now reconnected. The new family I have found, and what they have brought to my life over the past 10 years. Thinking of the family of my own that I will have one day. I become the most loving and affectionate person during this time - and truly thankful for everything that I have. I sure am lucky to have such incredible people surround me.

So give a warm welcome to fall and if you feel inclined, think about the people that matter most to you and take a moment to give "thanks" for all of those in your life you are lucky enough to share your time with. I think what I need to do is increase the time I do this - to more than just one season a year.

Editor's Note: this is dedicated to all of you who have been there and who have helped me get to where I am today - you may not know that a simple ride to work or your listening ear made a huge difference. I couldn't have done it without you.

Blog Soon,
Super Sappy PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 4

Week 4 Numbers Game:
Weight: 210 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs Lost thus far: 9
Desserts consumed: 0.5
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0

KM walked: 44.7 KM
Glasses of Shiraz: 1
Poutine: 0

Emotional Breakdowns: 1

Well, another week has passed and surely but slowly, another loss. It seems fake, but I promise, another 2 lbs is gone. I wonder where it went. Did it go to meet the other 7 on vacation? Have they all gone to the Bahamas? Perhaps Jamaica? Maybe they are laying out in the sun sipping on strawberry daquiri's right now, all plotting and planning on when and how to return. Maybe, just maybe, they are learning how to salsa or sharing long romantic walks on the beach. Laughing it up knowing they have gone away before, but it is only a matter of time they will be back.

Not if I can help it my fairweather friends. You better get used to your fun in the sun and sand as I anticipate you will be there forever. Be prepared, a few more of your friends will be joining, week by week. I truly hope you find a home for you to stay all together, but I doubt anyone will really want you to stay with them. I know that may be mean, but I think if you guys stick together, you wont be lonely. The positive thing is you will at least have each other. To be honest, I wont miss you.

Consider it tough love, I assure you, you will get through it.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Winners Never Quit

**This is PFF at her favourite breakfast place in NYC, Pastis - oh Eggs Benedict.....**

Editors Note: Apologies for the meltdown you witnessed from PFF's post yesterday...will try to ensure this doesn't happen on the regular.

Harriet Beecher Stowe once said "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

I am waiting for the tide to turn, until then I will still keep on posting and following through on my journey. As bad as I felt yesterday, tears falling down face bad, I managed to get through it. This may seem ridiculous to some people, "why would she cry, what, about food?" but I assure you for anyone that has struggled with weight loss, there are always those moments when you want to give up. This almost feels like a bad break up to the extreme. Quitting my relationship with bad food choices 'cold turkey' is proving to be difficult. Why do you think so many people struggle their entire lives?

Like me for instance, I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. I tend to choose things that are bad for me. Why? I haven't figured it out yet. It feels so good choosing things that are good for me. Do you see the predicament? I have shared some of the mind games in a previous post that go hand in hand with the struggle. I have lost 30lbs before, on two separate occasions but have gained it back plus some both times. I am not too sure what mind game actually stops me when I start a regime, but I hope to recognize it and keep holding on and never giving up. This is a battle I decided I have chosen to win, and I hope that I can stay true to my word until I reach the end.

Lee Iacocca said "You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance." Perseverance defined by Merriam Webster online is "to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement." Boy do I get discouraged. Regardless of my discouragement and the opposition I face (me, mainly) - I will persevere. I do want to be Fit & Fabulous and I have to keep telling myself that even through the hardest most difficult moments, yesterday prime example, I will persevere. I will come out on top because I am the type of woman that will continue to work hard for what I want and indeed, I can have this.

No more being envious of people who can do it, say on The Biggest Loser or even people I know, because there is no reason why I can't do this as well. My thoughts before have been these people are so lucky to have the will to do it, they look so great etc. etc. I am sure their struggle is as tough as mine but in my mind when I see them, I see the result not that they had the exact same struggle as me. It is not easy for anyone, if it was, everyone everywhere would be fit and fabulous.

My biggest downfall is patience, or lack there of. I want instant results / gratification for what I am doing (in other aspects of my life too). That is not a realistic viewpoint and I have to learn to not be so hard on myself. The fact is I am human. I may slip from time to time, but I am on my way to a freedom that I want so desperately, but have never known. One day I will. One day I will know what it's like to get out of bed and look at my hot and sexy butterfly body and decide I love myself this much, and I am so glad I am here and FINALLY have accomplished what I have always wanted. A loooonnnggggg road ahead. Editor's note: Kate Winslet laying naked on fur on a chaise...Kate Winslet laying naked on fur on a chaise....PFF laying naked on fur on a chaise while Mark Ruffalo holds the straw to her bottled water and Eric Dane feeds her strawberries while fanning her....

So, after surviving what looks like the worst day thus far, it can only get better! I did not fall off the wagon, I didn't eat anything ridiculous or bad for me yesterday - despite wanting to drown myself in a bottle of wine and poutine, or eat 25 krispy cremes, pizza, a tub of Half Baked I persevered yesterday's battle with grace and humility (other than the crying). I only hope I keep winning the battle.

Exercise Today: off yesterday, walking tonight with a Super Mom

Recommendations:
*5 Starbucks Cookies

I had the greatest feeling today when someone from my work asked me if I was running on Mount Pleasant the other day. My response jokingly was "yes, I am sorry that you had to see that". He then asked, "do you live around there?" and I said "No, Queen & Broadview, but I go for 13km run / walks, trying to run the whole thing because it is a hard hill" his response "wow, that's great!". Moral of the recommendation? Get outside to exercise while you still can because I have had now a few people tell me that they have seen me on my run - which is amazing, I am basically famous now with a huge paparazzi following. I will soon need to wear sunglasses to block the flash from my beautiful brown eyes...Tiff starts September 10th, so I better get on finding representation.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Quitters Never Win

Ok, so I am utterly frustrated today.

I hate this.

I know I have been pretty positive up until now, but today is BRUTAL. I feel that there has been no change. I work out, I started running, I am making healthier choices and the volume of food has significantly gone down. When I feel like this? I can't see the bikini or the end result. I can feel my phat and rolls and I even feel full. I did 13km last night and I still feel disgusting and all I had were some mini wheats and skim milk today. Tears of frustration are rolling down my cheeks as I write this....this is not easy people.


I want to give up. I want a Starbucks cookie. I want 10. I want some Krispy Cremes and I never eat those. I want filet mignon with mashed potatoes from the Keg and I want to lock myself in my room and cry. Right now, as crappy as I feel, I wont give into my temptations. I can guarantee that if I was to eat what I really wanted right now, some poutine and a bottle of Shiraz perhaps - I would feel like garbage but at the same time it would make me feel better instantly. I don't know how long I will last. If these feelings continue for the rest of the day, or for the next few days or longer - I may not be that strong.

I am an emotional eater. I sat alone at Starbucks last night for 2 hours waiting. I got my answer, and indeed, it is unrequited pigeon love. At least I know now and I still stand by my idea of living for the moment and sharing how you feel because you just never know. I feel like a complete idiot, but if you don't put yourself out there regardless of humiliation, how will you ever know? I don't want to live with regrets.

Perhaps this is why I am feeling how I am feeling today. I just want to quit. Today is 100 times worse than Day 3.

Maybe I will blog soon, maybe this will be the last. Only time will tell.
PFF

Creative Methods of a Phat Girl

When you are a Phat girl, you get creative in the ways to try to hide it.

Big clothes? check.

Sweatshirts & Sweatpants? check.

Loose shirts? check.

Holding in the stomach? check. Editor's Note: If this was an Olympic sport I would win Gold!

Spanx? check and check (if they are willing to help a sister out that day!)

Sometimes, I get very creative. I stand in front of the mirror, holding on to different areas, pulling in different directions to create optical illusions of non phat. It gives me an idea of what I would look like without it - it is just folded a different way for a little bit, to give me some kind of sick satisfaction. My favourite is looking from the side, grabbing my stomach and folding it in a way and arching my back a little bit - looks amazing. If only I could walk around like that all day, I wouldn't have to write this blog. Heck, I wouldn't have to eat healthy ever again or walk / run another step. Unfortunately, it would be so wrong on so many levels and I would still be living in denial.

Slimming mirrors are a Phat girls' best friend. When I find a slimming mirror? No work is involved, the hiding is already done. My favourite is at my best friend's house. Amazing. It is like taking an ego trip that you can get a high from. It is like all I have to do is stand there and look Fabulous. From the side, from the back, head on - absolutely incredible. Ready for my Vogue cover. No optical illusion, no adjustments of body parts, just plain old Fabulous me. I could stand there all day. In some cases, I have.

Also, I find that I make a lot of excuses as a Phat girl. Some of my personal favourites include:

"I will eat this peanut butter because it is technically protein"

"I will start working out and eating healthy on Monday" Editor's Note: This tends to last 52 consecutive Monday's on average...

"I am ok because I am not as big as her" - ya, I said it.

"This picture of me is Fabulous because you can't see my two plus chins"

"He doesn't like me because I am Phat"

"I can't do that because I am Phat"

"I wont sit in that Subway seat because I don't want to have to squeeze to fit in between those two people"

Frankly, I am tired of my own excuses and white lies I tell myself to feel ok about all of this. There are also ways you can pretend that you aren't as big as you actually are. When watching the train wreck More To Love, when the weights were posted of the girls for all to see - I saw girls that looked like they weighed a lot more than the weight posted because those girls weighed less than me. I started to question, do I look that big to other people? Is it the camera that is adding 15 - 20lbs? The funny thing is, as big and Phat as I feel sometimes, and we are always our own worse critic, I never actually thought I looked that big until that show.

Although I LOVE having my picture taken and am planning a photo shoot after I reach my goal - there have been some pictures that have made me recognize I am a lot bigger than I feel. Pictures taken in my favourite city were ruined because of how embarrassed I was that I couldn't hide the Phat or my quadruple chin.

Regardless of what I have done in the past, I am looking forward to a time when I don't have to hide, adjust or feel bad about people seeing a particular picture of me.

The worst thing ever is running into someone you haven't seen in a looonnnggg time, and you wish you looked good so you could hear them say "you look fantastic!" or start another season of my part time work where I wont be the same Phat PFF they are used to seeing.

Imagine seeing the girl that looks so hot that you don't recognize her. With her hot outfit, her gorgeous hair, and stunning face. The one that has lost 50lbs all on her own because she felt she was worth all of the pain, struggle and frustration that was in order to live her life happily, without her weight being an excuse for anything ever again. Oh ya, that girl will be me.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Unrequited Pigeon Love

You know the title is full of intrigue. You couldn't help but read it. The following story may or may not be based on actual facts, but decide for yourself what you would do.

Girl met boy. Girl liked boy. Boy didn't like girl and treated her poorly. Girl stopped liking boy. Girl met Boy's friend and felt fireworks. First Boy decides he now likes girl. Boy still treated girl poorly. Girl told boy's friend how she felt. Girl felt guilty but is passionate and had to share her feelings. Girl told original boy that she had feelings for someone else. Boy now has decided he wont let her go. Girl can't stop herself from thinking or dreaming about the cutest of cute boys. What is a girl to do?

Pigeon unrequited love you ask? Believe it or not, this story isn't about Duke, Meryl and the Kids outside my bedroom window - if only Pigeons had this type of passion to deal with. Although I am sure there must be some kind of unrequited pigeon love somewhere...Maybe Meryl had an affair or something with an old flame and caused Duke pain, but he forgave her and they stay together for the kids and are now genuinely happy. Maybe I will never know the trials and tribulations that they had to endure, all I know is in the end they are together and are raising their happy family. I wish I was a pigeon sometimes, they are quite fabulous.

Editors note: Girl is PFF, both "boy's" are in fact grown men

At the age of 33, I have had my fair share of "relationships" with the opposite sex. In a previous blog I shared two of the many unbelievable experiences I have had (more entertainment for your reading pleasure to come). Obviously, not one of the many were made to last. When you meet someone that ignites a passion inside of you for no apparent or logical reason, despite timing or circumstance- are we to ignore that feeling and hope it will go away? Although I know it is probably one sided, and possibly all in my own head and I am the only one creating this torture for myself...I need to know for certain. He's Just Not That Into You would shake me and say "Girl, if a guy is genuinely interested in you, regardless of circumstance, you wont have to wonder." But I still do. Wonder and hope should be my two middle names.

You may be asking yourself, what kind of girl would go after the guys friend anyway? What kind of guy would even entertain that thought to do that to his friend? Then I question what kind of girl would I be if I didn't follow my heart, or my dreams for that matter. These are also the specific reasons why it will probably never happen.

I met someone. One time. That is all it took. He is extremely attractive, unlawfully so. He is nice, charming, smart, plays hockey, treats people well, has a great personality, is a very good friend and a very decent and good (said with umph!) man which makes him even that more attractive. The type of man that I could potentially see myself spend some very quality time with. So why isn't he interested? I would like to think it is because I am not yet Fit & extremely Fabulous, but when I am he will be. The truth of the matter is it is because he is a very loyal friend and I should be ashamed of feeling the way I feel and should put it permanently out of my head. How disrespectful of me to have these feelings!

Literally, at night while I sleep, he is there. This has been going on for about 2 months now, every other night or so. Last night, he kissed me. This incredible, so real, fantastic, perfect, magical kiss. The kind of kiss I would give up Peanut Butter forever for. The kind of kiss that transcends places, spaces and time. How ridiculous is this? How am I suppose to live the nightmare of unrequited adoration during the day, and have such sweet dreams that feel so real at night?

I am a grown, independent and Fabulous woman who is now focused on getting rid of the Phat and getting Fit. I consistently try to put the idea out of my head for my own good but yet, I fall asleep and there he is, kissing me. How can I not want the real deal? All I know is that he is gorgeous. Uh huh. Crazy and stupid right? Explain that to my subconscious.

If the cutie cutest happens to read this posting, he will know who he is. Yes, I am passionate, bold, brave and fabulous and many other wonderful things. I want you like a pigeon wants the bread from a homeless man. Could I be more straightforward?

Editor's Note: Ok, so maybe not the best analogy, but you get it, right?

Moral of this story? Other than I have a secret and sick obsession with Pigeon life, I feel lucky that I am able to feel the things I do, regardless if the feelings are returned or not. Life is dull without passion. One day, like I have mentioned before, I will be with some incredibly fantastic man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Phat and Phony no more. I just need to keep loving myself enough to be Phat, Fit & Fabulous to the second power and until I get where I feel I need to be - try to keep the dreams and boldness on lockdown.

Exercise for today: walked / ran 13km last night, 13km tomorrow night. Still not giving into temptation.

Recommendations
*3 Starbucks Cookies
Can I mention again how much I love to laugh while I am walking / running? Neil Diamond made me laugh so hard last night I am sure people were wondering what was wrong with me. Imagining the glittery jump suits, the messy hair, raspy voice and the swooning women - you can't help but love his tunes. America or Sweet Caroline and oh so many others. Amazing!

Blog Soon,

PFF