Week 12 Numbers Game: Don't hate the player, hate the game....Weight: 210lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 0
Lbs gained this week: 7lbs? How is that even possible?
Lbs Lost thus far: 9
Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19+7
Desserts consumed: 2 truffles from Moroco Chocolat
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1
KM walked: ZERO - yuppers again - I worked 2 games last week, told myself to go - but I just didn't listen. I just didn't care. What is wrong with me? I am hard on myself because I need to be...what is going to make me do this?
Zumba Classes: 0
Booty Camp Classes: 0
Glasses of Shiraz: 1
Poutine: 0
Mimosas: 1
Emotional Breakdowns: 0
Excuses: One for each day I didn't work out...I am tired, I will do it tomorrow, knowing full well once I get home and it is dark outside - I do not want to venture out. As you can already tell, it is creeping on back - whopping 7lb gain this week - disgusting.
Well, I read everyone's comments from last week. I am all about honesty on this blog - to be as honest as possible and be clear with what goes through my mind as it is a journey. I appreciate everyone's kind words, and support. It is truly fantastic. So I am going to be completely honest in how it makes me feel when I read certain messages. As much as I appreciate and love that people are reading my blog, hence the whole point of wanting people to follow my journey. I NEED that support. I need the comments - it shows me that you are interested in what I have to say and that you genuinely care about my progress. It helps immensely. The only thing that I find, is the way my mind works is not good. Probably because I am so hard on myself and frustrated at my weaknesses in this - when I read one in particular, I got bitter. Actually, when I read two of them in particular, I felt incredibly bitter. I hope I don't offend your comments, because I know that everyone is being incredibly wonderful and supportive and your points aren't to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad - they are to share with me your experiences, lend advice - which I need and show your support and belief that I can actually do this. My main point in explaining this to you now, goes to show another challenge. Taking constructive criticism. It is like I feel jealous of people that can actually do this. I feel like I am sitting on the bench, waiting to get a chance to play but in reality it is only myself and my mindset that is holding me back - it is only me that is making it harder for myself. Making myself do double the work. Now that I have gained back 9lbs (which may not be completely realistic but I am reading what the scale told me this morning) I have to lose it all over again. Why make this even harder for myself? I am my own worse enemy. I am sabotaging my progress and I knew there was a chance of this happening. This is what happens every single time. I want to win so desperately, but I don't know how. The thing is, when you comment and tell me I am doing great and I am showing progress - it is amazing. When I read comments that tell me how you do something, I feel pathetic and weak that I can't or that I am not doing it the right way. I feel jealous that I am not doing as well as I could be. I put myself through the wringer. Every single morning for the past 2 weeks I have thought I need to workout today. I hate how my body feels. I need to make the healthy choice constantly - why aren't I? I even read my own blog to get inspiration of how I was in the beginning. I need to read it again today.
The whole stuffing myself all week didn't happen, but I did indulge with pasta, veal parmigiana and rice balls at lunch yesterday. The same type of rice ball I overdosed on at Thanksgiving dinner at my best friend's house. I can already feel the fat (no, not the cute kind) back in my neck, and back on my stomach - soon there will be more arrivals on my back arriving from where I sent them permanently - the one part of my body I love looking at in the mirror. Before it gets too far, and yes I have said it before - I NEED TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR. I am so disappointed in myself right now. I am embarrassed I am not strong enough to give into the temptation that currently constantly surrounds me. I ate pizza this week. I had some M&M's in my lounge when someone opened them - not a bag or anything, but perhaps 10. I am a food junkie. I don't want to be Josie Grossie anymore!! Do you remember that moment in Never Been Kissed? I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I don't want to be Phat Fiona anymore!!
I don't want to feel like I am defined by how phat I am. I want to walk into a store, any store and find an outfit that will look cute on me, in a single digit size. I know everyone says weight is just a number, you should feel it in your clothes. Everyone has their own "right strategy" for losing weight. Diet and Exercise are the for sure way to make it happen. I think of just what walking for 2 straight months did - made a huge difference..my face, how I felt about myself and now I feel right now like a big phat piece of garbage oh and a failure that I disappointed not only myself but everyone and anyone who cares about me, or who reads this blog cheering from their computer screen.
The only time the weight stayed off for a while, was when I was broken hearted. If any of you have had a broken heart, I assume that you all have, you will know that it is the best diet you could ever go on. Myself for example, it was May 2004. His name was Parcel (not really, but I figured I would change it in case I get a book deal). Parcel was a huge liar. The one that lied about the Raptors season tickets? The one that claimed he killed someone? The one that would take me to motels and hotels because he was too embarrassed to admit he lived at home? Oh ya, the one that had an ex-girlfriend that constantly called him asking to get together? Oh, the one that while we were dating I broke into his voicemail and would hear the messages from Pristy (again, not a real name) telling him she has the convertible this weekend and she would like to take him for a ride. I bet she wanted to take him for a ride. Oh, ya, the one that I did drive by's and still checked his voicemail up to 2 years after we broke up? Editor's Note: I never said I was perfect. The one that I changed his password on him so I would stop myself from checking and he changed it back to the same one so I continued for a little while? oh ya, that one. The one that was 6'4", 220lbs, played hockey and looked like Mats Sundin. The first guy I ever really "loved". Needless to say the relationship was tumultuous, it lasted a little less than a year. May 12, 2004 he dumped me. He started dating someone 2 weeks after and I was sick. I checked her out. Then I checked out the next girl he dated for almost a year. I was the kind of sick, that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat - all I did was cry. Cry, cry, cry. I would hear an Aalyiah song, I would cry. I would see Mats Sundin - I would cry. I would be at work, I would cry. Still to this day whenever I drive around or whenever I am in the vicinity of Sherway Gardens, I think of him. Everytime, still to this day, when I see a silver Mitsubishi Eclipse, I think of him. Heartbroken. Heartsick. Lay in bed for hours crying sick. Whatever I did end up eating, once, maybe twice a day, I would throw up because I felt so awful. This pain as you know is so awful you think you are going to die, but you don't. You don't die of a broken heart, at times I wish I could to end the pain I was feeling but the comforting part is, time will evenutally heal and is the only thing you can really count on. The other comforting part is I lost 30lbs and kept it off for 2 years plus. It took forever to come back, but when I saw him again when he got his now wife pregnant (oh and came over one night), I looked bloody fantastic. The confidence was there. Too bad he left midway through the heat, as he was feeling guilty he left his pregnant bootycall now wife *(who is really pretty btw - discovered during facebook creeping) wondering where he was. A winner alright. Why was I heart broken again? Only then after all that I was able to get to the beginning of the closure. So, maybe the not so phony will break my heart and I will be that much closer to my goal.....I would rather feel good doing it though, I don't really want a broken heart again - but I must admit, that pain is fantastic for your legs and ass.
I apologize to you for wasting your time. I made a commitment to you and to myself that I was going to do this. This morning I woke up and I was excited at the thought of a new week, a new start. I weighed myself and felt incredibly discouraged and couldn't believe the number. Like my Dr. Mike used to say to me, you can say I so don't want to workout today, but I am going to go anyway. Very simple. It is walking. I can walk, right? Even if I go to the track so I don't go all that way in the cold - up the Mount not so Pleasant Mountain...
A special shoutout to my friend Mike. Today, I read in his informative and cool blog www.http://onebrownguy.com/cool-blog-phat-to-fit-to-fabulous a post about me and my blog. It was written back in September and I only saw it for the first time today. Today, a day where I wanted to get it all together after weighing myself and thinking what other excuse I could make. A day where I was hoping I would make the right decisions to ensure I don't end up back at square one. I came across his post and after reading it - I am back on. Tonight? walk. The whole 13km - not the track, although the track does work well as I run one and then walk one so I run half way. Mike, thank you for inspiring me and reminding me that I am strong and that more people read than I really actually thought - and that people do respect that it is difficult to share this journey with others and that I am not the only one and it is not only females that struggle with these issues and feelings.
To all of you who accept and understand that without struggle there is no progress, thank you. To all of you who make comments, despite how I take them when I am feeling bitter and disappointed in myself - thank you. To everyone who reads and hopefully will continue to follow my journey, thank you so much.
Blog Soon,
PFF
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