Ok..So why can't people understand and realize how difficult this is? I think people can be so insensitive at times, or perhaps I am the most sensitive person on earth.
It is not easy for someone to admit their faults to everyone. Believe me. Think about the one thing you dislike about yourself (if you have something) and tell everyone about it. Something that you do, something that you have, something that you have done. Think about how difficult it would be to look at it in the face, broadcast it to everyone you know, your crush, your friends and just hope that you don't get criticized or judged on it. You can only hope for support, but then there is this one person that can say or look at you in one way, and bring you to tears. People are entitled to their opinions, of course, but sometimes, people should really think about what they say before saying it - or what the adverse effect it would have on someone's psyche. Really? Didn't we all learn when we were small, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all? I am guilty of this, but I am not one to judge my "friends" on their faults - I accept them for who they are and love them anyway.
It is bad enough that I am posting my weight to the world - which was my own choice, fine, I am bringing this upon myself maybe. I make each and every decision to make healthier choices for myself in order to reach my goal. So this morning, I was telling a co-worker about my fun experience at the movies last night where on Tuesday's with your ticket, you get a free regular popcorn and regular drink. Instead of saying "that is so cool" because he has kids he can take on a Tuesday, the first thing he said - was how much fat and salt are in popcorn and shook his head with that smart alec know it all expression on his face. I was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like a total jackass. I told him to not talk to me. I told him he was rude. I got extremely defensive and on the way back to the office, I walked away from him and went back on my own. Sure, this may sound dramatic, but I was livid. Actually, I felt like a hippo or a rhino. I made a choice yesterday to eat popcorn and have a diet pop - which since I have started my new regime, I haven't had. Yesterday I ate a variety of fruit for lunch. For breakfast? A non fat latte and lemon cranberry muffin that has 3 grams of fat. For Dinner? A lean cuisine that had 6 grams of fat. My intake was low. The volume of food was low. Sure, I didn't go for my walk - but I am going tonight for 13km - all that doesn't matter, just the fact that I am a fat cow eating popcorn at a movie just ruined everything I have accomplished or trying to accomplish going forward, right?
All of you reading can judge me if you want and think yes, she shouldn't have had popcorn. She is disgusting and no wonder why she is fat. Yes, the ugly fat. Not the fat I try to pretend it is by making it softer, or prettier with different letters.
I am crying with frustration right now because I am trying to do the right thing. By sharing my experience I thought I was doing a good thing here. A good thing for others to know they aren't alone in this battle. A good thing for others to relate to. A good thing for myself to help get through the hard times, the challenges, the frustrations and the emotional roller coaster this seems to be. This isn't easy and I told you from the beginning that I would share the good and the bad. The tears of frustration are here right now, and you get to see them up close and personal - as it is happening similar to a breaking news story on CNN.
Exercise Today: try to stop crying and feeling incredibly hurt and defeated because I ate popcorn. Think about how well I have done and focus on the positive feedback I have received instead of this insensitive jerk.
Blog soon,
PFF
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