Quitters Never Win

Ok, so I am utterly frustrated today.

I hate this.

I know I have been pretty positive up until now, but today is BRUTAL. I feel that there has been no change. I work out, I started running, I am making healthier choices and the volume of food has significantly gone down. When I feel like this? I can't see the bikini or the end result. I can feel my phat and rolls and I even feel full. I did 13km last night and I still feel disgusting and all I had were some mini wheats and skim milk today. Tears of frustration are rolling down my cheeks as I write this....this is not easy people.


I want to give up. I want a Starbucks cookie. I want 10. I want some Krispy Cremes and I never eat those. I want filet mignon with mashed potatoes from the Keg and I want to lock myself in my room and cry. Right now, as crappy as I feel, I wont give into my temptations. I can guarantee that if I was to eat what I really wanted right now, some poutine and a bottle of Shiraz perhaps - I would feel like garbage but at the same time it would make me feel better instantly. I don't know how long I will last. If these feelings continue for the rest of the day, or for the next few days or longer - I may not be that strong.

I am an emotional eater. I sat alone at Starbucks last night for 2 hours waiting. I got my answer, and indeed, it is unrequited pigeon love. At least I know now and I still stand by my idea of living for the moment and sharing how you feel because you just never know. I feel like a complete idiot, but if you don't put yourself out there regardless of humiliation, how will you ever know? I don't want to live with regrets.

Perhaps this is why I am feeling how I am feeling today. I just want to quit. Today is 100 times worse than Day 3.

Maybe I will blog soon, maybe this will be the last. Only time will tell.
PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 3

Editor's Note: PFF has never been good at math...she was 214 last week, from the original 219 that is 5lbs lost, not 4 that I have been blogging about all week.

Well, another week has come and gone. It feels like forever, let me tell you - a lot of struggle and no progress? Perhaps a little progress.....

Week 3 Numbers Game:

Weight: 212 lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 2

Lbs Lost thus far: 7

Desserts consumed: 1.5

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1 :( - it was a really ROUGH day....

KM walked: 44.7 KM

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0

Well, let's just say that tears fell on my walk on Wednesday night. Tears of utter frustration. In fact, there will be a post coming up called "Struggles of a Phat Girl" and I was thinking of all the struggles I have been dealing with over the past two weeks and some that have gone on a bit longer with this constant struggle with weight. On my run, I grabbed at my Phat on my sides, looked at my arms and felt disgusted with myself. I know that I am doing something about it and working very hard and I know that if I continue what I am doing, my body will react, that is a fact. Its just my mind that needs to follow suit. I told you in the beginning there would be struggle, tears and of course there will be happy times the closer I get to my goal - but what you can count on through my journey is truth. Please forgive me if some posts are not as light and funny as others...

I am not going to lie on here and pretend that this is really easy or something. I know what I am doing is for my ultimate happiness but not losing 30lbs instantly is really bothering me. All of the walking now mixed with some running, eating healthier, eating less etc. etc. I know that it is expected that it is a slow process but once time goes by it will be better - when I reach under 200lbs maybe it will seem great because that will be 20lbs lost, not just 7lbs. All the healthy choices for only 2lbs this week? I have to look at the bright side where it is a loss and not a gain. I can live with that and I can also live with the fact that I haven't binged on anything regardless of how upset I felt at the moment (ok one spoon of peanut butter) when I questioned myself what the hell is the point? I haven't given up though. Just like when I lipsynched to Cover Girl in a grade 8 talent show and fell dancing around the microphone - although over 300 people were laughing I still got back up and finished the routine (and understandably bawled my eyes out in the girls bathroom afterward)....but the point is I kept going, regardless of the humiliation, embarrassment and that's what I plan to do here. Not give up.

Anyone who has ever wanted to lose 5lbs, 10lbs, 100lbs - knows that it is not easy. If it is easy for you, all the power to you and tell me what you are doing. I thought bigger people lost weight quicker, no? Like Dave the Porche Guy - ONE YEAR he lost over 300lbs? That is almost 6lbs a week by diet and exercise. I want THAT. Does that mean I have to run 13km a day? I guess eventually if I have to, I will but that just seems so unfair!

My "relationship" with food as pathetic as it may sound is comforting, it fills an emptiness for me that I can't explain and it has been the longest "relationship" I have ever had. So without food feeding that, I have to find something that will fulfill me the same way - or face the pain I have been trying to numb with it and finally move on from it. Too many years have gone by harbouring this pain, I need to let it go. I keep thinking while I am out walking / running that each step, each pound is the weight I have been carrying due to certain aspects of my life and it is time to shed them so I can live a happy fulfilled life just for me. Noone else is going to do that or give me that - I can only give that to myself. As long as I am losing, it means I am slowly letting go of the painful past, and moving toward a brighter future with endless possibilities. I am not getting all woe is me or anything, just telling it like it is, for me.

Anyway, beginning of Week 3 and I am still on the path - haven't fallen off the wagon just yet and I really don't want to. I will keep it up, keep going stronger. My issue is when I start hostessing back at the ACC - my room is full of M&M's - this is an issue all by itself and perhaps a post on my love for the Peanut Butter ones will follow.

Exercise for Today: Keep strong, believe that I can do this. Walk 13km tonight and try to run up the Mount not so Pleasant mountain as much as possible.

Blog soon,

PFF