The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 3

Editor's Note: PFF has never been good at math...she was 214 last week, from the original 219 that is 5lbs lost, not 4 that I have been blogging about all week.

Well, another week has come and gone. It feels like forever, let me tell you - a lot of struggle and no progress? Perhaps a little progress.....

Week 3 Numbers Game:

Weight: 212 lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 2

Lbs Lost thus far: 7

Desserts consumed: 1.5

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1 :( - it was a really ROUGH day....

KM walked: 44.7 KM

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0

Well, let's just say that tears fell on my walk on Wednesday night. Tears of utter frustration. In fact, there will be a post coming up called "Struggles of a Phat Girl" and I was thinking of all the struggles I have been dealing with over the past two weeks and some that have gone on a bit longer with this constant struggle with weight. On my run, I grabbed at my Phat on my sides, looked at my arms and felt disgusted with myself. I know that I am doing something about it and working very hard and I know that if I continue what I am doing, my body will react, that is a fact. Its just my mind that needs to follow suit. I told you in the beginning there would be struggle, tears and of course there will be happy times the closer I get to my goal - but what you can count on through my journey is truth. Please forgive me if some posts are not as light and funny as others...

I am not going to lie on here and pretend that this is really easy or something. I know what I am doing is for my ultimate happiness but not losing 30lbs instantly is really bothering me. All of the walking now mixed with some running, eating healthier, eating less etc. etc. I know that it is expected that it is a slow process but once time goes by it will be better - when I reach under 200lbs maybe it will seem great because that will be 20lbs lost, not just 7lbs. All the healthy choices for only 2lbs this week? I have to look at the bright side where it is a loss and not a gain. I can live with that and I can also live with the fact that I haven't binged on anything regardless of how upset I felt at the moment (ok one spoon of peanut butter) when I questioned myself what the hell is the point? I haven't given up though. Just like when I lipsynched to Cover Girl in a grade 8 talent show and fell dancing around the microphone - although over 300 people were laughing I still got back up and finished the routine (and understandably bawled my eyes out in the girls bathroom afterward)....but the point is I kept going, regardless of the humiliation, embarrassment and that's what I plan to do here. Not give up.

Anyone who has ever wanted to lose 5lbs, 10lbs, 100lbs - knows that it is not easy. If it is easy for you, all the power to you and tell me what you are doing. I thought bigger people lost weight quicker, no? Like Dave the Porche Guy - ONE YEAR he lost over 300lbs? That is almost 6lbs a week by diet and exercise. I want THAT. Does that mean I have to run 13km a day? I guess eventually if I have to, I will but that just seems so unfair!

My "relationship" with food as pathetic as it may sound is comforting, it fills an emptiness for me that I can't explain and it has been the longest "relationship" I have ever had. So without food feeding that, I have to find something that will fulfill me the same way - or face the pain I have been trying to numb with it and finally move on from it. Too many years have gone by harbouring this pain, I need to let it go. I keep thinking while I am out walking / running that each step, each pound is the weight I have been carrying due to certain aspects of my life and it is time to shed them so I can live a happy fulfilled life just for me. Noone else is going to do that or give me that - I can only give that to myself. As long as I am losing, it means I am slowly letting go of the painful past, and moving toward a brighter future with endless possibilities. I am not getting all woe is me or anything, just telling it like it is, for me.

Anyway, beginning of Week 3 and I am still on the path - haven't fallen off the wagon just yet and I really don't want to. I will keep it up, keep going stronger. My issue is when I start hostessing back at the ACC - my room is full of M&M's - this is an issue all by itself and perhaps a post on my love for the Peanut Butter ones will follow.

Exercise for Today: Keep strong, believe that I can do this. Walk 13km tonight and try to run up the Mount not so Pleasant mountain as much as possible.

Blog soon,

PFF

What A Difference A Week Makes

Although I have lost only 4lbs - perhaps a couple of more by Monday morning at the Big Phat Weight Reveal Week 3, I would think that this kind of significant amount would make a difference in my jeans. Um no. It hasn't. I know it is a lot to ask - but these jeans were loose when I bought them - but they are still a little snug. 4 lbs is 2 blocks of butter, no? So that butter weighs down the basket you carry around the grocery store (not that I buy 4lbs of butter now, I am just sayin') so you would think the jeans would have a little more room now that that amount of "butter" has gone away . I understand that with time, my body will shift and clothes eventually will get a little more loose as I continue to make healthy choices and exercise. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! That is something I am looking forward to for sure - then? That is right...the size of pants, jeans and dresses will slowly but surely decrease. Slow is good. What is that saying? Slow and Steady wins the race? I wont be winning the race, but I will be winning what I have always wanted and truly deserve to have to make me 100% happy with who I am and stay committed to that.

This morning while I was getting ready, I decided to try on a couple of dresses I had purchased "in case I lose weight". I love playing this game. I am sure one of you, or perhaps many of you have made this mistake. Making the promise since you love it so much and you can just picture it on and how Fabulous you will look in it once you lose 5 lbs or even 10lbs. Maybe many of you are oh so fabulous, no need to think about that as it just looks naturally brilliant on you off the rack! Somehow, in all the times I have said that to myself, I have never actually lost weight to fit into an outfit. It is a cruel cruel game I play. One of the dresses I have worn two times in the three years I have owned it. The other, not at all. Both are fabulous and guaranteed if I wasn't as Phat, I would look AMAZING in them - see? Mind games. Right now, both clearly are not recommended for wearing as they wont even go up all the way. Not even Spanx can help. Boy oh Boy. Good old Spanx has hooked a sister up in the past, but there is a certain point that Spanx just has to say "sorry girl, you are fantastic, but I just can't help you out today". Well, all I can say is one day when Spanks offers some help, I will happily say "No thanks, I don't need you Spanx!" Editors Note: When Spanx calls me girl, it's not like when the cookie does.

I do feel a difference already, to be completely honest. I can feel that there is a bit less bloating aka Phat, around my right hip. I actually discovered a freckle the other day that is quite adorable and makes me even more Fabulous. When I lay in bed in the morning, my body feels lighter - and yes, only 4 lbs but already a result I can feel not just see on the scale. This encourages me. I still feel gross on my way to work, at my desk, going home, but I know this feeling will go away. Regardless of how long it will take - hopefully within 9 months - this will continue if I keep doing the right thing and making the healthier choices I have been - it is really just a matter of time and dedication.

If you are wondering if I have kept on walking - the answer is YES! Of course I have!! I am doing very brisk 13km walking every other day - which on Tuesday I started to integrate jogging up and down the Mount not so Pleasant Mountain and it feels GREAT! One day, I will be able to run the entire 13km, but I am not rushing only to burn myself out or end up disappointing all of you. Also, yesterday I added 3.92 KM - hellooo!?!?!?! this was my day OFF!! I was with Baby Momma who brought along a very exciting walking companion, the one and only, Dante. Oh, sweet Dante. Such a well behaved girl. Unfortunately, Chico, Dante's friend couldn't make it, but hopefully next time we will be graced with the presence of the well behaved and lovely Chico so they can enjoy some quality time together. :)

Exercise for today: 13km tonight - try to run as much as possible - or just walk briskly the entire time....either way, I am going as I have Fabulous dinner plans tomorrow night and must feel Fabulous!

NEWNESS: I know how hard it is to keep motivated so I will share some things from time to time that I find work for me - because it can be difficult sometimes to find something that will help enjoy the process...see below for my first of hopefully many, Recommendations. I will measure each by my favourite, a Starbucks cookie. *1 Cookie means you may want to think about it, to *5 cookies meaning you must absolutely do it 100% - *2,*3,*4 cookies? up to you to decide!

Recommendations

*5 Starbucks Cookies

Can I say how much I love to laugh while I am walking? Chris Rock is my favourite and I need to download Kill The Messenger because soon I will know Bring the Pain, Bigger and Blacker & Never Scared off by heart! He is brilliant - so I recommend listening to any of his stand up - an hour goes by before you know it!

Blog Soon,

PFF

Love? Schmove.

Editor's Note: Forget food, I am a maneater today!

Ok. We have all been there. Or maybe its just me? I have been there so many times, I can write the manual. Actually I swear that my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You", was written because of me and the issues I have experienced over the years with men and relationships. It screamed at me as a wake up call and worked for a long long long time. I actually highlighted my copy and would refer to it often, sometimes still do to remind myself of the "Hot Foxy Lady" I am.

I think I should have done PR for the book as I referred and recommended it to so many people. What does it mean when he looks at a picture of your friends after hooking up and asks you to "hook him up" with one of them - oh, it means he is a jerk. What does it mean when he doesn't call when he says he will? He is a jerk. What does it mean when you go out on a date, and you seemingly have an amazing time, you laugh, you joke and he waits a week to call you or doesn't call at all? Oh, it means the same thing - Jerk. What does it mean when a man will not call you his girlfriend, not introduce you to his friends or family, doesn't take you out to dinner or anywhere for that matter, but claim that he cares so much about you? Oh, and is not ready to commit? That is right...jerk jerk jerk. How about one more, how about the one that lies about having season tickets to the Raptors and Leafs, but then buys tickets from you on sale because you work at the ACC and have access to tickets? uh huh....you guessed it, jerk.

I think you are getting the picture here, and perhaps where I may be going with this. Sadly, these are not examples that I have picked up from dinner conversations with friends or over a bottle of wine with an angry singles group or from the book or even a really really bad reality program on television. Guess what? I am the one that has had the pleasure of these experiences - and oh so many more. The book basically told women, especially me, what we actually already know - it was just a very friendly and funny reminder. A book alone based on my dating experience would have you in rolling on the floor laughing, or crying, at how ridiculous it has been. Keep your eyes out, it could very well be the next #1 New York Times Bestseller!

The follow up book was called "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" but in my case, the second would be called "It's Called a Breakup Because you are The One Before the One". For example, it has happened not once, but twice. #1 - I was dating a guy (4 months after my really really bad break up with Raptors seasons seats holder) and he had an ex fiance in his past. We dated, and I was a bit resentful since this particular man wasn't the one who had broken my heart and I wished that it was, still not over him. Anyway, I guess he had enough and ended up going back to his ex fiance, moved in together and asked her to marry him again.

#2 - I met a lovely man. The nicest guy I have ever dated. He was so nice, cute, polite, kind, caring, opened doors, a classic gentleman, everything I would want in someone - plus we could talk about anything forever. He had an ex fiance who had broken up with him breaking his heart. She came back months later, pledged her love to him and apologized for the mistake she made. He was torn for a few months and I used a great line..."you already know how it ends with her, but you don't know how it will end up with me." I guess I wasn't slick enough as he chose her and she moved back to the province. I ended up getting her a job and I even cleaned his house the night before she came home to live with him. Yes, you read correctly. They are engaged and living the dream, probably married by now. See? The one BEFORE the one. I noticed the trend, and then I ate some poutine.

Sometimes I think I am just impossible to please. I have a list of expectations, not written down or anything - but is it too much to ask for someone to open doors and not drop them on you? Or, take you out and surprise you? Or leave notes showing they care, or giving you a card on your birthday....or if dating a Chef, them buying groceries and making you dinner as a treat? On a side note, I have dated a couple of Chef's and they are indeed a different breed. One said that he had to consider me special in order for him to cook for me - needless to say, I will never know how good of Chef he actually was. The other, well, ahem *Phony* ahem. Can he just play Hockey? Nothing says man like a pair of skates, jeans and a jersey shooting the puck around with his friends or in a game - they don't even have to actually be playing hockey, holding the stick while skating around is sexy enough for me. I do love men, and hope one day for a somewhat normal and happy relationship with one of them. Although at times of desperation and irritation I have considered switching teams to make my life easier, I truly believe there is one out there for me. One that is normal. Just one. That will make me breakfast in bed or just bring me a tall non fat no foam latte in bed...how about someone like Mark Ruffalo or Eric Dane?

Right now, I think it is too much to ask. Right now, I need to look at myself and focus on being Phat, Fit & Fabulous and getting closer to my goal. Caterpillar to Super Sexy Foxy. It is just so difficult to not think about Love or Schmove since my eggs are past the age wanted in the classifieds.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Home Greasy Home!

So I am sure you get the idea now that I am on a mission to lose weight in order to become Phat, Fit & Fabulous. Everyday is challenging, some worse than others. I am excited for the end result, although it is still pretty far down the road so I feel the need to entertain us both in order to get through it. I am going to talk about temptation today.

There are many temptations that surround me everywhere, all day long. Do you remember the smooth talker? Exactly. Need I say more? To be completely honest, it can be very difficult. I am sure "normal" people don't feel this way or may not understand what I am talking about.....or may not understand my intermittent thoughts of Peanut Butter, Pizza, Pasta etc. but I appreciate whoever is listening to me ramble on about them!

I live downtown Toronto at the corner of Queen Street and Broadview Avenue. I have lived here for almost 6 years. Actually this is the longest I have lived anywhere since I was 18. This neighbourhood is also known as Leslieville. I love it here. Although I have had two psycho neighbours and I was assaulted the day after I moved in by two women with mullets, I still love my fabulous hardwood floors, high ceilings and jacuzzi tub. I love the way the streetcars shake my apartment as they go by in four directions 24 hours a day, and that Duke, Meryl and the kids (what I like to call my pet pigeon family) sit on my window sill and air conditioning unit to let me know they are doing well. Also, the flashing lights of Jilly's, a very classy adults only establishment, brightens up the neighbourhood and my kitchen at nighttime and on cloudy days, giving this neighbourhood a certain je ne sais quoi.

Many of you may or may not know, Leslieville is a great little area, which was very up and coming for such a long time, but has now finally arrived. I have been fighting for dignity in this little neighbourhood that could for almost 7 years now and victory is finally mine!

It has fabulous restaurants that tempt me daily like The Real Jerk which brings the essence of the Carribbean to my corner with the best chicken roti ever...Table 17 which is the newest hotspot, Joy Bistro, one of my favourite brunches, The Comrade which is the perfect first date spot and has the most beautiful furniture and exposed brick walls I have ever seen. The Burger Shoppe, Pop Bistro, The Dark Horse Espresso Bar, Pic Nic, Lil Baci, The Citizen and many others make up this incredible food filled neighbourhood. Sometimes, the wind blows the delicious aroma of the freshly baked bread from the Weston Bakery on Eastern...right into my bedroom window which is not the best thing for someone who is trying to avoid indulgence and sticking to a healthy regime.

Then there is the greatest temptation of them all. This one is not down the street, not even across the street but right downstairs, meaning, underneath my apartment right now, I can smell the ultimate in Leslieville dining pleasure, Dangerous Dan's. Dangerous Dan's is exactly that, dangerous. Dangerous for your hips, your thighs, your stomach and your ass. I swear I have put on the pounds by just having the aroma of phat rise into my apartment. I am not going to lie, I have had them deliver before. Honestly, it couldn't be closer, that was just pure laziness on my part.

To give you an idea of what is offered at this greasy spoon, The Coronary Burger is the staple - and if you are able to finish the 2 8oz Patties, 4 Slices of Bacon, 2 Slices of Cheddar and a Fried Egg on top or the Quadruple C Burger that is a 24oz burger served with a quarter pound of cheese, a quarter pound of bacon and 2 fried eggs on top then you are awarded your polaroid photograph on the Wall of Gluttony. Really, take a walk in, you may be scared by the growling men behind the counter or the car seats (for real) as seats in the restaurant. There are women's undergarments hanging, and the clientele ranges from Jilly's patrons who don't want to eat at the world famous Jilly's kitchen to The Opera House crowd to yuppies. There is something called an Elvis Burger that actually has Peanut Butter and Banana on it - surprisingly I have never ordered one - I have had a quarter of one during a girl's night a few months ago and I must say, it was damn good. I usually *meaning once a week* order a small poutine, which is not really small at all - but it is amazing. Not just mozzerella the real cheese curds you get in REAL poutine. I always get it to go, sit on my couch and pair it with a bottle of shiraz - um, I mean glass. Oh, and I have never ordered the deep fried mars bar, I have limits!

When I walk by every morning, drive back by on my way home and enter my building and smell it - especially on cold winter nights, it can be tough - especially when I can easily order Poutine or slave over a hot stove preparing an entire meal for just me. Don't get me wrong, Dangerous Dan's does provide comfort, it is like a warm cozy sweater on a crisp fall morning but I have to remember that although the temptation is very strong - I need to step away from the poutine.

For the past week it has been fairly easy actually, resisting the temptation. Sure, week one is easy! Talk to me during the NFL season. I can guarantee that on one of those amazing fall football, crisp Sunday afternoon's the Poutine will be having a drink with the Starbucks cookie and a jar of Skippy at The Comrade and call me over, knowing that I am committed to my goal. Boy oh boy will they try, but I have to live 'Dangerously' and live with my decision to be Fit and Fabulous!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Editor's Note: This one is dedicated to Baby Momma :) xoxo

The Big Phat Weight Reveal, Week 2

I have decided in order to keep myself motivated, I will post my weight each week - every Monday - so you can keep track (if interested) on the progress. I call it Week 2, because it is the beginning of Week 2, but I could call it "after Week 1" but it just doesn't sound that great - I don't want to mislead anyone either that it has been longer than it has. Regardless, I am posting my weight in order to keep myself, and perhaps some of you motivated that this is really happening and I am really working hard at attaining my own personal goal of losing 50lbs in the next 9 months.

13km is a long walk - it takes just under 2 hours, actually I have decreased my time by 4 minutes from when I first started. Two hours means there is A LOT of time to be thinking. If you know me, you know that I already think way too much. I do enjoy the fact that I cannot be reached during this time by phone, by email and that it is time just for me. Just me and Mariah, Janet, Michael, Snoop, Dre and many many more....so I don't feel completely alone. Different thoughts do enter my mind, some may consider them random - but yesterday what kept me going is how good I will look in an outfit similar to this one:

She is fabulous, looks amazing and I want a photo shoot done (same day as naked fur on a chaise day) wearing this - again, can we say Fabulous Infinity? Especially when I will treat myself to a fabulous pair of Louboutin's! Oh, and no doubt there will be some SERIOUS strutting in this outfit. I still want curves *just not as many as I have now* and I would be very happy with myself if I can pull this look off especially since my hair is already fabulous.

Yesterday I discussed the mind games, what you are about to read is the numbers game:

This morning, the scale reflected my weight as follows:

215.

In the past week:

Pounds gone: 4

Starbucks Chocolate Chunk Cookies: ZERO - yes, you read correctly. I haven't had one in over a week now - 9 days clean

Chocolate bars: Zero

Cool Ranch Doritos (or any other chips): Zero

Peanut Butter: 1 teaspoon with banana before a 13km walk (NO tablespoons!)

Salad and vegetables: more than ever - didn't count

Fruit: more than ever - didn't count

Number of KM walked: 52

Although I have only lost 4lbs, and most likely mostly water weight I am happy the number went down rather than up - which is the whole point of all of this. Progress may be slow, but the results will last hopefully forever :)

Exercise today: Day off walking, back at 13KM tomorrow night. Try not to feel so bad about making mistakes.

Mind Games

Day 5 & 6 both went by without any major catastrophes. I am not too sure what I expected to happen exactly or why this surprises me a little, but I can’t help but wonder what it will be this time. When will I slip? What food will I make the excuse in my mind that it is ok to eat, regardless of how bad it is for me and how it goes against everything I am trying to accomplish here? What will be my excuse to stop exercising? Will it be one of the same excuses I have used before or will I get more creative this time? I could convince myself what I am doing wont make a difference, or question what is the point or that I am actually meant to be this size. The mind is a powerful thing, mine just happens to play games on me.

Maybe, just maybe, I can actually be one of those really large women that are happy with their size and have not an ounce of a negative body image. You know exactly the ones I am talking about. Those women that wear really tight shirts, short skirts, yellow dresses that show a little too much to us, but they are more confident than anyone you or I have ever known. Different areas are hanging, cellulite is showing and it isn’t pretty to many outsiders. They are Phat, Fabulous and very happy. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, feeling no shame. *On a side note, they should figure out if they have friends or frenemies as I wonder where these women’s friends are when wearing a canary yellow dress (Heidi or Gisele are the only two women in the world that can look good in that colour) so why they don’t say something and why do they insist on letting them go out like that?

I am not a hater, I promise – but I do wonder if I am someone that could be happy being this big. The fact that it has been a struggle for so long, makes me think no, I wont be happy this way. Some days I think I can see what my body will look like in a bikini, sans neck phat – and to be honest, it looks a lot better than Fabulous…. Can we say Fabulous Infinity? I know that I have wanted this for so long and remember telling myself every summer before the new school year, this time I will do it and show everyone. As I got older and older, I kept telling myself I would do it, proving to people that I was truly amazing, truly beautiful and sometimes I imagined that what people saw was actually a Phat suit, and that I could just take it off and be like everyone else. That I really had a great body, but I wanted to see how "they" would treat me. I would start a regime, get great at it, be dedicated to exercise only to give up after 3 months, 30lbs or whenever an excuse crept in, allowing other excuses to continue and step in to take over - bringing me right back to where I would have to start from scratch all over again. .

When I think of waking up and how my body feels and how I grab at certain “fuller” aka “Phatter” parts and get really frustrated or when I feel embarrassed walking in front of guys, people in general, eating, thinking what people must think of me. I am sure they are wayyyy too busy to even have me cross their mind, but still I do wonder! No matter what happens, I know that I really really want to do it for real this time, just like the other times – I just hope that this will stick and I will follow through to the end.

I am the only one who has control of this. If I eat healthy and exercise regularly it will come off, so it is actually very simple. I will feel healthier, lighter and look more Fabulous in clothes, in particular, strapless dresses. I will be able to pose nude on fur, walk down Broadview wearing a bikini – hell I will go to work wearing one, and create a fashion line just so I can strut down the street wearing it. Oh yeah, did I mention I will become a strutter when this is all said and done? I know someone who struts, and she looks Fabulous doing it – I just want the chance to strut as well - I just hope I don’t hurt myself. Wait though, if I do hurt myself, I could meet a really cute Doctor and we could get married and live on Inglewood Drive to adore each other for eternity…again, I digress.

In the back of my mind, I think something could or will happen that will stop me from attaining my goal. Then I snap back and realize the truth: that it will only be that way if I let it. Yes, I bet this may sound confusing to you, but these are the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, in this first week of change. I know it is for the greater good, and doing this will only make me happier, and live a more fulfilled life. Sometimes though it is hard to find the strength. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a fighter. As long as I refuse to lose the battle, I am golden...like the golden glow of the sun, when it shines on peanut butter, or pizza, or risott0 - acutally, golden like a warm fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie.

Exercise for today: continue to ignore the Phony, try to forget the Phony, try to remain positive for myself and others, eat healthy – appreciate that Friday night I still made my 13KM walk and will head out for another 13km Sunday.

Blog soon,
PFF

Friend or Frenemy? What do you want to be?

I am a huge fan of Sex and the City. Huge. I mean, I loved it from the first episode I ever watched back in 1998 and I still have Sex and the City Marathons on rainy Sunday afternoons. Little did I know that it would have the impact on society that it has, but I am sure happy it did. Finally, a show about women who have it all: successful careers, independence, incredible style *thank you Patricia Field* and most importantly, friendships. Friendships that saw the good, the bad and the ugly - and became even stronger as time went on. Yes, I know it is a tv show, a tv show in fact that is long over (insert sad face here) but probably the most realistic portrayal of women and relationships I have ever watched. (ok, leaving out the incredulous amount of Manolo's, Louboutin's and size of apartments in NYC). Real women everywhere could relate to one, or a combination of two or more of the characters eventually coming out of their own shells beginning to talk more openly with one another about everything.

I recall an episode called "Frenemies" which reminded me of what I wanted to blog about today - hence my homage and respect to the best TV show of all time. Feel free to share your favourite Sex and the City moments with me.....I am happy to relive them over and over!

It is truly amazing what you can learn about people and the role they play in your life. I just so happen to have really really Fabulous girlfriends, about five that are very near, dear and very close to my heart who have been there through thick and thin with me or should I say "Phat" and thin? tee hee... All kidding aside, no matter what, they have been there, I have loved them, they have loved me and the most important ones show support, courage and love in the most desperate of times. Even when I have been completely irrational, upset, or have stupidly caused an argument - the incredible ones remain and love me and accept me for all that I am and decisions bad or good I have made. I love them too and no matter what, I am there for those I care for, and always will be.

If you are lucky like me, you have a few really close girlfriends that have your back. The ones that you can call in the middle of the night, talk to when you need to get something out, tell you what they think no matter how harsh because they genuinely care and don't want you to look or act stupidly. The ones that will finish three bottles of wine in a night with you to talk about a breakup, the list goes on and on and on. There are many great friends I have had, that I have currently and I am sure will make in the coming years. There are friends now that I have started this blog from long ago who have shown so much support - as if we never lost touch. Truly amazing and this is the type of friend that I want to be and continue to surround myself with.

Sometimes friendships fade, you change, they change, you part ways, you grow up, you move away, your lives go in separate directions or perhaps a really huge misunderstanding has lead to the demise of the once great relationship. Regardless of the ending, I believe the friendships that you share with others have some kind of lesson and reason attached.

Being a woman, I can fully appreciate what women are capable of. We are capable of loving, caring, nurturing, mothering, multi tasking, taking care of others, listening, lending a hand when needed, showing support and all of the many wonderful things we can provide.

Then there is the other kind of friend. I am sure one or more of you have experienced the "Frenemy". The one who speaks so nicely to your face, but has nothing but insensitive thoughts, words and toxic actions that revolve around you, around others that surround them. There are women who lie, who are jealous, unhappy in their own lives and want you to be unhappy too or they are just completely two faced and miserable.

I always wonder about these women in particular, wondering why spend the energy "pretending" to be someones "friend" and then turn around and insult them or make fun of them behind their back? This happened to me fairly recently and it really struck me in a negative way. How, at 33 years old have I allowed someone like this to be in and around my circle? Such childish behaviour, it is difficult to understand. The only thing I can come up with for this type of women is a. it will come back ten fold, what goes around comes around, Karma is a beeotch etc. and b. they are so unhappy in their own life that they feel the need to speak badly about others to make themselves feel better. I really thought we got over all of that in high school or even college but I guess some women just never grow up.

With getting from Phat to Fit to Fabulous, right now I feel like I am a caterpillar. I will eventually be a super sexy butterfly. Although currently a work in progress, for my body to evolve and change, my mindset will too. My closest and dearest friend has questioned why I let certain people back in my life. I choose to give people a chance, two chances, sometimes ten chances - but to only be disappointed again. I finally see her point. In order for me to be healthy, I need a healthy mind, healthy relationships - life is just way too short to feel miserable.

By disposing of the Phony, the old bad habits, my relationships with toxic food, I have to really consider at this age who I want to surround myself with. The beautiful, talented and magnificent women who currently surround me (you know you who are) are exactly what I need in my life.
This is a dedication to them and to all the naysayers, the snickering people who act this way....please think about what type of friend you want to be or want to be thought of as.

I know my answer, I want to be remembered and thought of as loving, caring, nurturing, sometimes frustrating, silly, fun, Phat, Fit and Fabulous and to know that I was the best girlfriend and person I could possibly be - inside and out.

Love you girls, xoxo

Blog Soon,
PFF

Ode to Peanut Butter

I think that I should start off all posts with a specific food I love as an introduction and in a way a dedication to those I have loved, dedicated my life to and are slowly starting to leave behind.

Let's start with how much I love peanut butter. I love it so much it hurts. Ok, well not that much, but I love it as much as I weigh so - my love is heavy! (refer to The Big PHAT Weight Reveal for more info) Skippy smooth is the best, followed by regular Kraft and last but certainly not least, Jif. Don't give me organic, sugarless or crunchy, I wont touch it. But smooth? I can eat Skippy smooth peanut butter by the spoon, and oh no, not just one spoon - a few. Oh, and not just a teaspoon, I am talking a full overflowing tablespoon here. This is a VERY bad habit that I have had since I was a kid. As a child I would crave it after swimming - each and everytime! I would just "have to have" Peanut Butter and the perfect beverage match, lemonade.

Before Phat to Fit to Fabulous started, I would refrain from buying peanut butter because I know, like the Seductive Starbucks cookie (day 5 without one!) it calls me from the cupboard. Unlike the cookie though it calls me baby and sexy and you already know I am a sucker for a smooth talker - just imagine how smooth the smooth peanut butter sounds. Heaven. Pure and simple. Incredibly hard to resist. I do give in sometimes, and although there is some in my cupboard right now, I have not gone over to it with a spoon since starting this blog. Yay me. :)

So, onto the next subject....ok who am I kidding, just a bit more.....

Alone, peanut butter and chocolate are incredible. As a combination, they are killer. Peanut Butter and Chocolate is pure magic. Whoever created this magnificent pairing was one brilliant and mean, mean man. I have decided it must have been a man because I am frustrated with men right now, and I need throw a little more frustration their way.

Reeces Pieces or peanut butter cups, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.....peanut butter and banana sandwiches on whole wheat, peanut butter and jam by the spoon, peanut butter on toast with jam. Peanut butter on pizza? yes, I said it. I have even had peanut butter on some pizza once, okay, maybe it was twice. Let's just say, this love affair has been going strong for 20 years plus. I have no problem committing to peanut butter. Maybe my love affair with peanut butter over the years has contributed to my current Phat and Fabulous self? Mmmm...it's amazing how putting your thoughts on a blog can bring so many things to light. Maybe, just maybe, letting go of this love affair in particular will help me eventually find a love affair that I can commit to in human form? Random thoughts, random thoughts.

How about those Jays? ok - they suck, I hate baseball so much - has to be the most boring sport on television or to even watch live - and I love live sporting events. What is with the random thoughts today?!?! Must be a side effect from lack of peanut butter as I would NEVER discuss baseball with a clear mind.

Excellent news! I went for another 13km walk last night with my friend Alana last night. We kicked the Mount "not so" Pleasant Mountain's butt and to be completely honest, it felt great getting through Day 3 (also with the help from your incredibly kind and supportive words - thank you!!) without giving into how crappy I was feeling. Can we say FABULOUS? Let me tell you, Day 3 was crappy, the crappiest in fact - but it is DONE and I really truly want to work hard enough where I will never ever have to go through another Day 3 again. Day 4 is a piece of cake so far! Ok, not actually a piece of cake, like I wont have one or anything, but I may think about one, a chocolate and peanut butter one actually...mmmm...or those incredibly amazing peanut butter and chocolate cupcakes from The Cupcakery (http://www.thecupcakeryto.com/) (shout out to Baby Momma, what!? what?!).

Exercise today: day off from 13km, eating healthy, ignore the phony, you know - the usual Fabulous day!

Blog Soon,

PFF

Brutal Day 3 - Less than More to Love

Editors note: this posting may not be as upbeat & amusing today....read at your own discretion...

Ok, so I can't help but watch the train wreck that is More to Love. If you have had the pleasure or displeasure of watching this show - consider it the plus sized Bachelor. Luke, who is handsome, I will give him that - is the bachelor and surrounding him are plus sized women. To add insult to injury, on the first episode, the show deemed it necessary to post the weight of the women for all to see. In the regular Bachelor series, they list the name and occupation only. Not More to Love, they make sure you know how much more there is to love about these women. Also, last week they went to prom, since they had never gone before. They talk about what an amazing dancer Luke is, how amazing this one man on earth recognizes them each for something more than their weight.

Another thing that gets me, is that the show gives plus sized women like myself a bad name. I am guilty of watching, week after week and hearing the same thing: "I have never been loved" or "I have never been on a date before" or "I am always being judged on my weight - this is my ONLY chance at happiness and if he doesn't choose to spend the rest of my life with me, I know there is never going to be anyone else, ever". Each and every contestant cries on camera when they talk about this and they all have the same issue - they are all in love with Luke, they have never been in love because of their weight and can't imagine life with any other man. I understand it is a show, but come on people.

I myself are experiencing some issues of my own lately in the "love" department. Ignoring the Phony is quite difficult, especially when you just happen to give up two vices at the same time that fill the empty feeling inside. It doesn't really feel empty day to day, don't get me wrong - I guess because I am filling myself up with things that are bad for me. There must be some specific reason why I do these two specific things that I know are bad for me. Thinking that I could never find someone else does cross my mind, but really, I am too Fabulous to be alone. I am wayyyy to Fabulous to be with someone not worthy of my time and affection. Sure, I have a fear of commitment and this non-relationship is the longest any man has "put up" with me. Phony has told me that it will be difficult for me to find someone that will put up with me, someone who will be as good to me as he is (have I ever mentioned Phony did NOTHING for my birthday? no card , no eggs Benedict, nothing) and that it will be impossible for me to find a man that wont cheat on me like he hasn't. I believe in Dropping the Phony and the incredible impact it will have to stay strong, but I admit, it is difficult to let go of something that provided comfort for such a long time. I have mentioned that I am hoping for a non manipulator, right? Now you may understand why...

Yes, absolutely 100% I am fabulous. Yes, 100% I can be difficult at times. Yes, I am moody, emotional - but I am also 100% passionate, loving, caring, dedicated, loyal to a fault and would be a fantastic partner to someone who is worthy of it. Right now, I could care less about finding the one or finding someone that will fill that "void". The beauty of focusing on myself is in the end, only I can find true happiness with myself - and no amount of food or man will change that. The difference between me and those crying girls on tv, other than I would never compete with 1 let alone 30 other women for the love of one man - I know that I deserve to be adored by a hockey playing, gorgeous, sexy, caring, affectionate, non lazy and successful man - who drives standard and loves Good Will Hunting as much as I do.

This process is not easy. Whenever in the past I have started a healthy regime, Day 3 without fail hits me pretty hard - so I apologize for the not so funny posting today, this is THE Day 3. I also mentioned in my introduction I would share the tears, stresses, frustrations and all that comes along with this journey so today, there are some tears, frustrations and stresses - all part of it, right?

The amazing thing is, I went to Starbucks with someone who ordered a cookie, and again, I refused to indulge. I think it helped that those delicious cookies were in hiding again...weren't calling me baby or any other cute nickname....otherwise I may have given in.

A healthy breakfast, I will salad for lunch and tonight, I will shed my 13km of frustrations and tears on the infamous Mount Pleasant hill.

Blog Soon,
PFF

p.s. why did the police man cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken....I am sorry but this is the funniest joke of all time and I just had to put something funny on here today :)

Pigeon Picture Love

Back phat and neck phat. This is exactly what I am dealing with right now. I feel that my neck phat is actually choking me and one day when I am laying down I will be found, laying there, choked my by own bad choices while pigeons at my window sill gawk or caw. I guess crows caw but Pigeons make another noise, actually, it is more soothing than a caw so at least I will be at peace. I digress.

This is when I just knew something had to be done, and serious changes needed to be made. Also, when I look at my hair in the mirror - I turn around like many of you to make sure my hair is just perfect position from the back and when only wearing a Fabulous bra, I notice some extra puffiness beneath the strap. Puffiness is a very delicate way of saying PHAT. I don't like the way it looks. At one point, I loved my back, my ass, my boobs, my entire body - 30 lbs ago. I was still bigger girl, but I seriously couldn't stop looking at myself, I was gorgeous! Right now, I am not that adventurous and don't feel that pretty....perhaps I wasted it all on that Phony character.

This is another thing, I LOVE posing for a camera - if you know me, or follow my Facebook you already know this. I tend to take pictures of myself and post them for everyone to see. This has not happened in a while. I actually love looking at myself. So, what I have decided is that I will have my photos done, once I reach my first goal of Fiona minus 50lbs. Professionally, perhaps like a Kate Winslet Vanity Fair pose - naked over fur with some heels on a chaise. I think that would be perfect and fabulous to hang in my apartment for anyone who visits to see! A huge fabulous 11 x 17 or much larger actually - just over my couch or on the huge wall when you first walk into my place. Hell, I will even post it on Facebook if people are willing to look at it - take a look for yourself - how Fabulous is this picture? Women pull off the Demi Moore Vanity Fair bare baby belly shots all the time - I'm not expecting a baby, but I am expecting nothing short of looking fabulous - so why not celebrate that? Those pigeons will be whistling like construction workers and gawking, not watching me slowly gasping for air due to neck phat.

Execrcise for today: taking the day off, 13km last night, 13km tomorrow night.

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Seduction

Have you ever noticed if you start a healthy regime, or try to that all of the food that is bad for you seems to just taunt and tease you? This morning in Starbucks, and don't laugh, the Chocolate Chunk Cookie was begging me to take it to work with me. It was hard to ignore the voice...the seductive voice that said while I walked away with my latte "come on girl, you know you want me... I am so chewy and tender and delicious and I taste SOOOO good with that latte, take me..." I am happy to report that I ignored the voice, although it was very tempting. It called me "girl", now that is hard to resist....I am a sucker for a smooth talker.

Later in the day, I walked by the vending machine in the cafeteria - no word of a lie the chocolate bars were lined up and doing the can can. Yes, they were dancing in the vending machine - I believe there was a spotlight on the centre one, which just happened to be a Caramilk bar. Funny how that happens, when you make a commitment. They were putting on a show, just for me - and I just walked away. I hope I didn't hurt their feelings.

I had no idea I would receive such an amazing response to this blog. I want to thank you all so much for your kind words and support, sharing your experiences and offering your advice - to anyone who has read my words - thank you. People have even mentioned that they feel motivated by some of what I am doing. This alone motivates me even more to do this right this time!

Trust me, I have my doubts that I can actually pull off wearing a bikini in May. After writing that this morning as a possibility - I actually started to think it was possible. I think it is the main thought that will push and push and push me to keep going. I really like that dream. Ok, well anyone can wear a bikini, but I want to look Fabulous in one. As long as I remain committed to myself and how I will feel in 6 months, 9 months - this time next year even, there is no reason why it shouldn't happen, right? right!

Now, it certainly wont be easy but I have to remember - was it easy for the guy on Oprah who was 900lbs who lost 700lbs? or Dave the Porche guy who lost over 300lbs in ONE YEAR? I am sure it was difficult. These are extreme cases yes, but they did it the old fashioned way - healthy eating and exercise and did it all on their own...so if they can do it - I certainly can!

I know sometimes I may not be thinking clearly and want pizza, pasta, peanut butter, pancakes (do you notice all of my favourite foods start with a "p" and they are all bad for me ) :( but I need to keep that vision in my head. What vision you ask? You should know by now...Phat, Fit and Fabulous ;)

Tonight I walked 13km. Walk, not run. I went to the Mount Pleasant mountain - and it almost knocked the wind out of me. About 8 runners passed me, running up and down the hill, looking hot and sexy and fit - while I walked the shizzle out of it sweating like an animal on death row. One day, mark my words, I will run UP, DOWN and ALL AROUND that brutal hill. 13km is not a daily run, but 3 times a week would be a great accomplishment.

Blog soon,

PFF

The Big PHAT Weight Reveal...

The time has come. Today is the day to face the reality so there is absolutely no turning back. I am now accountable for what I write here, what my plan is and stick to it. Right now, the nausea I feel thinking about once I post these three little numbers (that aren't so little individually, but sure are PHAT as one :) is overwhelming. I am terrified of the judgement, the snickers, the disgust and every other thought that may cross your mind when seeing this number for yourself, but the great thing is for me, it will only motivate me to decrease the number going forward.

Two nineteen. When I spell it out like this, it doesn't seem so awful. Actually, it looks like like I am telling you the time. Time for siesta in Europe perhaps. It also looks like it could be 2 hours, 19 minutes - the time it will take to finish my first half marathon. How about 2.19, the healthy amount of weight I could potentially lose per week. How about 2.19 months from now, I will have lost 21.9 lbs? There are many ways to work this number, but the truth is, it hurts. This is how much I weigh. How I have let myself get this out of control is beyond me - perhaps those Starbucks cookies have something to do with it tied with the lack of self control. I admit, I only have myself to blame, and I am the only one who can change this number and my feelings towards it. 219 lbs. 219. 219. 219. 219. 219. 219. 219. There, my big Phat weight reveal is done and over with! Woo Hoo! That is a Phat weight off my shoulders.

The comforting thing is, no matter what you or I think right now, I have already felt all that and more about that number - hence why I have started this Fabulous blog.

Once I reach my goal or even surpass it (Imagine?!?!) I will be so Fit and Fabulous, you may not be able to handle it! For my friend's fabulous destination wedding in May 2010, 9 months from now, bikini perhaps? Hey, it's my blog, a girl can dream can't she?!!?

Exercise today: continue to ignore ignore ignore the phony, walk / jog from home to my dream home street - which will be 6.5 km each way - up that pesky Mount Pleasant hill :)

Tomorrow: attempt to walk :)

Blog soon,
PFF

First Step: Dropping the Phony

Brunch is my favourite weekend ritual. The mimosas, location, eggs Benedict, the ambiance, the coffee and more importantly, the company. I decided today would be my last Eggs Benedict brunch with home fries. There will come a day when I reintroduce it minus the home fries, but for now and for a long while after, I refuse to indulge.

After brunching this morning with a couple of fabulous ladies, I am reminded of what is important and what is not. In order for me to start this road to freedom, discovery and self appreciation not only do I have to cut out the Starbucks Chocolate Chunk Cookie and the fast food, poutine, pasta, pizza and all of the other bad choices I consistently make- there is still one item that needs to be cut out - immediately.

What should be the easiest weight to lose is the dead weight man that has been consuming my mind for the last 16 months. Although I know this person is not right for me, I continue in the self destructing pattern that is Phony. To protect him and the interests of others, I will use the name Phony because not only is that what he is, but it may or may not rhyme with his real name. It started off as something, seemed to develop into something else - but still, after 16 months of breaking up, making up, and breaking up again - there is no title, no future and way to many disappointments, irritations, complaints and just time wasted. In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which I considered to be my Bible, it states to "not waste the pretty" and I have been doing just that for far too long. In order to cleanse my mind and look forward to the end result that I have always wanted, it is time to lose this dead weight once and for all.

My confusion lies in my heart. I realize that you can care for someone, spend time with someone and they can say anything that they want to try and manipulate you - if you allow them to. I have learned that Actions speak much louder than Words. These wonderful girlfriends that I had brunch with today- make it very clear, cut throat and make it sound oh so easy. Get rid of the dead weight which is Phony first, or else it's just like continuing to eat poutine. Essentially, Phony is really toxic poutine. Continuing this back and forth is only holding me back from something really wonderful down the road.

Lately, I have been literally dreaming at night of a man that I would love to be with, and it is not Phony. The fact that I am spending time with Phony, and thinking of this other person and know that in a heartbeat would drop Phony to be with him proves one of two things. One - I am settling, big time. Two - I desire and deserve to be with someone nice, caring, and grown up. Someone who lives on their own, independent, not lazy, a non manipulator and a non sneaky snake - someone who is driven and most importantly, a rock - someone I know that in the end, will be there. I have been on my own for so many years, I know how to do that. Although I do want to get married and have children someday, I am not ready to mother a 35 year old man. By losing the Phony dead weight, it will be the easiest 220lbs I could ever lose - now, I only have 50 left to go!

So, enough going back and forth, forth and back. This time I need to do this for me otherwise I will continue to upset myself and continue to feel frustrated. Regardless if there is or what man is waiting down the road - my focus is strictly on myself, my happiness and this personal goal. If that makes me cold, heartless or selfish then so be it, but in the end, I only have myself that can do what is best - and six months from now I will be so happy with what I have accomplished I will be celebrating my Fit & Fabulous self, not thinking of how and when to set Phony on fire.

I blogged yesterday that I would discuss exercise. My exercise today, and everyday, every time Phony calls or shows up at my door - is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Tomorrow, I plan to go for a walk - a long long walk - perhaps up Mount Pleasant to St. Clair. I may go after work, or at 6am - I haven't decided yet, I will for sure let you know tomorrow what I have done.

Tomorrow? The Big Phat Weight Reveal...stay tuned.

PFF

Goodbye Starbucks Cookie :(

The name says it all. The most delicious smelling corner on the block. The first item I crave as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Perfect cups, lids, cozies and tasty coffee. A great place to shop for fabulous mugs and other items I always just 'have to have'. Tall, non fat, no foam latte is my daily ritual, without fail. There are some days that I don't indulge but usually I add a chocolate chip cookie every single time. Now if you have ever looked or even indulged yourself with one of those chocolate chip cookies, they are soft, delectable and way too tasty to be legal. Now I looked it up once at how many calories and grams of fat are in one of those, and I decided to stop ordering them for a while but obviously it didn't last. I just went again to check the actual numbers, and they are indeed ridiculous. Are you ready? 21 grams of fat, and 430 calories. Yes. In one cookie. Calculating those numbers, times 5 days a week - makes me so annoyed, it makes me want to eat 10....and I wonder why I have gained so much weight! Like everything else, this is something that I need to stop and simply say "no" to. The trick and challenge will be to remember not how good they taste with my latte, but how good I will feel in 6 months after not making that choice. It is very simple to think this way, but to act on it takes a lot of strength.

Right now, the latte and cookie are linked and equally delicious. This is truly unfair, but such is life.

My ass is "Phat", and what I need is to not have an ass like that anymore - so stopping eating this cookie on a daily basis will be one small step toward the end result I am working towards! So today, I celebrate my last Chocolate Chunk Cookie from Starbucks. I am saying goodbye to the daily 420 calories, 21 grams of fat - I will replace with a piece of fruit. MMMMMM. If only I could pretend that this fruit is a cookie of some kind. That it gave me the same instant gratification and fullness I experience with the magical Starbucks cookie. Let's pretend Pineapple is the chocolate, Banana is the cookie dough and Apple is the burst of flavour that works perfectly with my tall non fat no foam latte. The latte is something I am not ready to give up just yet. Who knows, maybe I don't need to.

What's next? Tomorrow I will share my thoughts on exercise, then Monday? The big Phat weight reveal. Be prepared, it wont be pretty.

Blog soon,
PFF

A Little About Me....

Hello there, and welcome to my first official blog post. Actually, this is my first official blog, so I am quite excited about the opportunity to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences that could potentially reach an unlimited audience.

I am a 33 year old single white female who lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. I am unhappy with how I look and feel and want to make a permanent change so I can live my life freely, without my weight being something I hide behind.

I have decided to create "Phat to Fit to Fabulous" because I am Phat, I have a desire to be Fit and of course to be Fabulous. I already am pretty Fabulous, but know that I will be even more so when I reach my goal! I feel that I have tried many methods, many times, to permanently lose this weight, but documenting the journey for anyone to see I believe will motivate me to where I need to be. It isn't about only disappointing myself now, but an audience as well.

The word "Phat" seems to be prettier than the other version, the version that has a very negative connotation attached. A word strangers use when they see me, when they are frustrated at me, what I "just know" that they are thinking when walking by or when they see me eating - but in all honestly it is how I view myself and I am tired of it. I am tired of waking up every morning thinking of how my body feels laying in bed. When I get up and walk past the mirror. When I get in the shower, when I get out of the shower. The way my clothes fit. When I am in my car, the drive to work, the walk to my office, sitting at my desk, the walk to my car, sitting in my car, on the drive home. I believe right now I am the heaviest I have ever been. I will wait until Monday to document my weight on here, as I am giving myself a few more days to say goodbye to the unhealthy decisions and habits and of course get the courage to face that number.

The word "Fit" well, is what I want to be. I want to be able to run 5.7 KM without stopping, perhaps 6KM or 7KM per day. One day, I want to be able to run up Mount Pleasant north of Bloor on that huge hill without stopping. Perhaps make that my Saturday run. I don't want to feel that my heart is pounding out of my chest when I climb some stairs. I want to look down the road, six months from now, 12 months from now and feel healthy, happy about my body and satisfied and proud of what I have accomplished. Losing the "Phat" and getting to "Fit" is a long road, but one I am willing to walk, jog and eventually run on and keep going.

The word "Fabulous" is just as is sounds. It is a word I use quite regularly and how I usually feel about myself. Yes, I am a Fabulous woman - a woman of great strength, passion and all around great person. I would do anything for those I care about, anything. I need to care about myself just as much and to live a long and healthy life is something that I yearn for. I am quite capable of it and my goal is to remain Fabulous, and feel incredibly Fabulous after I adopt this healthy lifestyle and shed those pesky 50 pounds that I have been hiding behind for as long as I can remember.

I have lost, I have gained. I have gained more, then I have lost and then I have gained again. I need to stop the cycle. I know that this isn't going to be easy and that I am going to want to give up, daily, weekly, probably even hourly - but I know that I need to do this and I really want the end result, and not the instant gratification of eating what I want to. It is not even a question anymore. This may sound funny, or sad, but I do not want to be one of those people on TLC that eat 35,000 calories a day or need a crane to pull me out of my house....or that guy who sends down a bucket with money to the chicken guy who puts the food in the bucket and pull it up to eat in my room. If I keep the poor eating and non exercise habits, I am afraid that this could be the end result. I am WAY too Fabulous to lift chicken into my room in a bucket.

Thank you for reading, following and I appreciate your support through my journey. Here you will find many different thoughts, feelings, struggles, ideas and opinions that are all mine so feel free to comment, laugh outloud, show support or just listen. Maybe, just maybe you will be able to identify with something I have said and maybe it will make a difference in your own journey.

Take care, and I will blog soon.
PFF