Day 5 & 6 both went by without any major catastrophes. I am not too sure what I expected to happen exactly or why this surprises me a little, but I can’t help but wonder what it will be this time. When will I slip? What food will I make the excuse in my mind that it is ok to eat, regardless of how bad it is for me and how it goes against everything I am trying to accomplish here? What will be my excuse to stop exercising? Will it be one of the same excuses I have used before or will I get more creative this time? I could convince myself what I am doing wont make a difference, or question what is the point or that I am actually meant to be this size. The mind is a powerful thing, mine just happens to play games on me.
Maybe, just maybe, I can actually be one of those really large women that are happy with their size and have not an ounce of a negative body image. You know exactly the ones I am talking about. Those women that wear really tight shirts, short skirts, yellow dresses that show a little too much to us, but they are more confident than anyone you or I have ever known. Different areas are hanging, cellulite is showing and it isn’t pretty to many outsiders. They are Phat, Fabulous and very happy. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, feeling no shame. *On a side note, they should figure out if they have friends or frenemies as I wonder where these women’s friends are when wearing a canary yellow dress (Heidi or Gisele are the only two women in the world that can look good in that colour) so why they don’t say something and why do they insist on letting them go out like that?
I am not a hater, I promise – but I do wonder if I am someone that could be happy being this big. The fact that it has been a struggle for so long, makes me think no, I wont be happy this way. Some days I think I can see what my body will look like in a bikini, sans neck phat – and to be honest, it looks a lot better than Fabulous…. Can we say Fabulous Infinity? I know that I have wanted this for so long and remember telling myself every summer before the new school year, this time I will do it and show everyone. As I got older and older, I kept telling myself I would do it, proving to people that I was truly amazing, truly beautiful and sometimes I imagined that what people saw was actually a Phat suit, and that I could just take it off and be like everyone else. That I really had a great body, but I wanted to see how "they" would treat me. I would start a regime, get great at it, be dedicated to exercise only to give up after 3 months, 30lbs or whenever an excuse crept in, allowing other excuses to continue and step in to take over - bringing me right back to where I would have to start from scratch all over again. .
When I think of waking up and how my body feels and how I grab at certain “fuller” aka “Phatter” parts and get really frustrated or when I feel embarrassed walking in front of guys, people in general, eating, thinking what people must think of me. I am sure they are wayyyy too busy to even have me cross their mind, but still I do wonder! No matter what happens, I know that I really really want to do it for real this time, just like the other times – I just hope that this will stick and I will follow through to the end.
I am the only one who has control of this. If I eat healthy and exercise regularly it will come off, so it is actually very simple. I will feel healthier, lighter and look more Fabulous in clothes, in particular, strapless dresses. I will be able to pose nude on fur, walk down Broadview wearing a bikini – hell I will go to work wearing one, and create a fashion line just so I can strut down the street wearing it. Oh yeah, did I mention I will become a strutter when this is all said and done? I know someone who struts, and she looks Fabulous doing it – I just want the chance to strut as well - I just hope I don’t hurt myself. Wait though, if I do hurt myself, I could meet a really cute Doctor and we could get married and live on Inglewood Drive to adore each other for eternity…again, I digress.
In the back of my mind, I think something could or will happen that will stop me from attaining my goal. Then I snap back and realize the truth: that it will only be that way if I let it. Yes, I bet this may sound confusing to you, but these are the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, in this first week of change. I know it is for the greater good, and doing this will only make me happier, and live a more fulfilled life. Sometimes though it is hard to find the strength. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a fighter. As long as I refuse to lose the battle, I am golden...like the golden glow of the sun, when it shines on peanut butter, or pizza, or risott0 - acutally, golden like a warm fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie.
Exercise for today: continue to ignore the Phony, try to forget the Phony, try to remain positive for myself and others, eat healthy – appreciate that Friday night I still made my 13KM walk and will head out for another 13km Sunday.
Blog soon,
PFF
Maybe, just maybe, I can actually be one of those really large women that are happy with their size and have not an ounce of a negative body image. You know exactly the ones I am talking about. Those women that wear really tight shirts, short skirts, yellow dresses that show a little too much to us, but they are more confident than anyone you or I have ever known. Different areas are hanging, cellulite is showing and it isn’t pretty to many outsiders. They are Phat, Fabulous and very happy. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, feeling no shame. *On a side note, they should figure out if they have friends or frenemies as I wonder where these women’s friends are when wearing a canary yellow dress (Heidi or Gisele are the only two women in the world that can look good in that colour) so why they don’t say something and why do they insist on letting them go out like that?
I am not a hater, I promise – but I do wonder if I am someone that could be happy being this big. The fact that it has been a struggle for so long, makes me think no, I wont be happy this way. Some days I think I can see what my body will look like in a bikini, sans neck phat – and to be honest, it looks a lot better than Fabulous…. Can we say Fabulous Infinity? I know that I have wanted this for so long and remember telling myself every summer before the new school year, this time I will do it and show everyone. As I got older and older, I kept telling myself I would do it, proving to people that I was truly amazing, truly beautiful and sometimes I imagined that what people saw was actually a Phat suit, and that I could just take it off and be like everyone else. That I really had a great body, but I wanted to see how "they" would treat me. I would start a regime, get great at it, be dedicated to exercise only to give up after 3 months, 30lbs or whenever an excuse crept in, allowing other excuses to continue and step in to take over - bringing me right back to where I would have to start from scratch all over again. .
When I think of waking up and how my body feels and how I grab at certain “fuller” aka “Phatter” parts and get really frustrated or when I feel embarrassed walking in front of guys, people in general, eating, thinking what people must think of me. I am sure they are wayyyy too busy to even have me cross their mind, but still I do wonder! No matter what happens, I know that I really really want to do it for real this time, just like the other times – I just hope that this will stick and I will follow through to the end.
I am the only one who has control of this. If I eat healthy and exercise regularly it will come off, so it is actually very simple. I will feel healthier, lighter and look more Fabulous in clothes, in particular, strapless dresses. I will be able to pose nude on fur, walk down Broadview wearing a bikini – hell I will go to work wearing one, and create a fashion line just so I can strut down the street wearing it. Oh yeah, did I mention I will become a strutter when this is all said and done? I know someone who struts, and she looks Fabulous doing it – I just want the chance to strut as well - I just hope I don’t hurt myself. Wait though, if I do hurt myself, I could meet a really cute Doctor and we could get married and live on Inglewood Drive to adore each other for eternity…again, I digress.
In the back of my mind, I think something could or will happen that will stop me from attaining my goal. Then I snap back and realize the truth: that it will only be that way if I let it. Yes, I bet this may sound confusing to you, but these are the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, in this first week of change. I know it is for the greater good, and doing this will only make me happier, and live a more fulfilled life. Sometimes though it is hard to find the strength. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a fighter. As long as I refuse to lose the battle, I am golden...like the golden glow of the sun, when it shines on peanut butter, or pizza, or risott0 - acutally, golden like a warm fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie.
Exercise for today: continue to ignore the Phony, try to forget the Phony, try to remain positive for myself and others, eat healthy – appreciate that Friday night I still made my 13KM walk and will head out for another 13km Sunday.
Blog soon,
PFF
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