Brunch is my favourite weekend ritual. The mimosas, location, eggs Benedict, the ambiance, the coffee and more importantly, the company. I decided today would be my last Eggs Benedict brunch with home fries. There will come a day when I reintroduce it minus the home fries, but for now and for a long while after, I refuse to indulge.
After brunching this morning with a couple of fabulous ladies, I am reminded of what is important and what is not. In order for me to start this road to freedom, discovery and self appreciation not only do I have to cut out the Starbucks Chocolate Chunk Cookie and the fast food, poutine, pasta, pizza and all of the other bad choices I consistently make- there is still one item that needs to be cut out - immediately.
What should be the easiest weight to lose is the dead weight man that has been consuming my mind for the last 16 months. Although I know this person is not right for me, I continue in the self destructing pattern that is Phony. To protect him and the interests of others, I will use the name Phony because not only is that what he is, but it may or may not rhyme with his real name. It started off as something, seemed to develop into something else - but still, after 16 months of breaking up, making up, and breaking up again - there is no title, no future and way to many disappointments, irritations, complaints and just time wasted. In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which I considered to be my Bible, it states to "not waste the pretty" and I have been doing just that for far too long. In order to cleanse my mind and look forward to the end result that I have always wanted, it is time to lose this dead weight once and for all.
My confusion lies in my heart. I realize that you can care for someone, spend time with someone and they can say anything that they want to try and manipulate you - if you allow them to. I have learned that Actions speak much louder than Words. These wonderful girlfriends that I had brunch with today- make it very clear, cut throat and make it sound oh so easy. Get rid of the dead weight which is Phony first, or else it's just like continuing to eat poutine. Essentially, Phony is really toxic poutine. Continuing this back and forth is only holding me back from something really wonderful down the road.
Lately, I have been literally dreaming at night of a man that I would love to be with, and it is not Phony. The fact that I am spending time with Phony, and thinking of this other person and know that in a heartbeat would drop Phony to be with him proves one of two things. One - I am settling, big time. Two - I desire and deserve to be with someone nice, caring, and grown up. Someone who lives on their own, independent, not lazy, a non manipulator and a non sneaky snake - someone who is driven and most importantly, a rock - someone I know that in the end, will be there. I have been on my own for so many years, I know how to do that. Although I do want to get married and have children someday, I am not ready to mother a 35 year old man. By losing the Phony dead weight, it will be the easiest 220lbs I could ever lose - now, I only have 50 left to go!
So, enough going back and forth, forth and back. This time I need to do this for me otherwise I will continue to upset myself and continue to feel frustrated. Regardless if there is or what man is waiting down the road - my focus is strictly on myself, my happiness and this personal goal. If that makes me cold, heartless or selfish then so be it, but in the end, I only have myself that can do what is best - and six months from now I will be so happy with what I have accomplished I will be celebrating my Fit & Fabulous self, not thinking of how and when to set Phony on fire.
I blogged yesterday that I would discuss exercise. My exercise today, and everyday, every time Phony calls or shows up at my door - is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Tomorrow, I plan to go for a walk - a long long walk - perhaps up Mount Pleasant to St. Clair. I may go after work, or at 6am - I haven't decided yet, I will for sure let you know tomorrow what I have done.
Tomorrow? The Big Phat Weight Reveal...stay tuned.
PFF
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