Editor's Note: PFF has never been good at math...she was 214 last week, from the original 219 that is 5lbs lost, not 4 that I have been blogging about all week.
Well, another week has come and gone. It feels like forever, let me tell you - a lot of struggle and no progress? Perhaps a little progress.....
Week 3 Numbers Game:
Weight: 212 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs Lost thus far: 7
Desserts consumed: 1.5
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1 :( - it was a really ROUGH day....
KM walked: 44.7 KM
Glasses of Shiraz: 1
Poutine: 0
Well, let's just say that tears fell on my walk on Wednesday night. Tears of utter frustration. In fact, there will be a post coming up called "Struggles of a Phat Girl" and I was thinking of all the struggles I have been dealing with over the past two weeks and some that have gone on a bit longer with this constant struggle with weight. On my run, I grabbed at my Phat on my sides, looked at my arms and felt disgusted with myself. I know that I am doing something about it and working very hard and I know that if I continue what I am doing, my body will react, that is a fact. Its just my mind that needs to follow suit. I told you in the beginning there would be struggle, tears and of course there will be happy times the closer I get to my goal - but what you can count on through my journey is truth. Please forgive me if some posts are not as light and funny as others...
I am not going to lie on here and pretend that this is really easy or something. I know what I am doing is for my ultimate happiness but not losing 30lbs instantly is really bothering me. All of the walking now mixed with some running, eating healthier, eating less etc. etc. I know that it is expected that it is a slow process but once time goes by it will be better - when I reach under 200lbs maybe it will seem great because that will be 20lbs lost, not just 7lbs. All the healthy choices for only 2lbs this week? I have to look at the bright side where it is a loss and not a gain. I can live with that and I can also live with the fact that I haven't binged on anything regardless of how upset I felt at the moment (ok one spoon of peanut butter) when I questioned myself what the hell is the point? I haven't given up though. Just like when I lipsynched to Cover Girl in a grade 8 talent show and fell dancing around the microphone - although over 300 people were laughing I still got back up and finished the routine (and understandably bawled my eyes out in the girls bathroom afterward)....but the point is I kept going, regardless of the humiliation, embarrassment and that's what I plan to do here. Not give up.
Anyone who has ever wanted to lose 5lbs, 10lbs, 100lbs - knows that it is not easy. If it is easy for you, all the power to you and tell me what you are doing. I thought bigger people lost weight quicker, no? Like Dave the Porche Guy - ONE YEAR he lost over 300lbs? That is almost 6lbs a week by diet and exercise. I want THAT. Does that mean I have to run 13km a day? I guess eventually if I have to, I will but that just seems so unfair!
My "relationship" with food as pathetic as it may sound is comforting, it fills an emptiness for me that I can't explain and it has been the longest "relationship" I have ever had. So without food feeding that, I have to find something that will fulfill me the same way - or face the pain I have been trying to numb with it and finally move on from it. Too many years have gone by harbouring this pain, I need to let it go. I keep thinking while I am out walking / running that each step, each pound is the weight I have been carrying due to certain aspects of my life and it is time to shed them so I can live a happy fulfilled life just for me. Noone else is going to do that or give me that - I can only give that to myself. As long as I am losing, it means I am slowly letting go of the painful past, and moving toward a brighter future with endless possibilities. I am not getting all woe is me or anything, just telling it like it is, for me.
Anyway, beginning of Week 3 and I am still on the path - haven't fallen off the wagon just yet and I really don't want to. I will keep it up, keep going stronger. My issue is when I start hostessing back at the ACC - my room is full of M&M's - this is an issue all by itself and perhaps a post on my love for the Peanut Butter ones will follow.
Exercise for Today: Keep strong, believe that I can do this. Walk 13km tonight and try to run up the Mount not so Pleasant mountain as much as possible.
Blog soon,
PFF
Posts
