Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

In just over a week, Christmas will have once again, come and gone. What does this season mean to you? To me, it should be a time of love and happiness. A time to be Merry.

This time of year should be a time for family, friends, drinks, food and the warmth that the holidays bring. Twinkling lights, falling snowflakes, Starbucks hot chocolate, couples in the street, laughing children excited at the thought of Santa stopping by on the most exciting night of the year. Today I think 7 days until Christmas. I think back to when I was a kid, these next 7 days were the slowest of the year. The waiting. The anticipation. The presents. I almost couldn't stand the excitement. The closer Christmas came, the harder it was to fall asleep at night. It was if I had ants in my pants, but I didn't. Hoping I would catch a glimpse of Santa or his reindeer when he stopped by. I really liked Rudolph, he was fabulous. I used to send my letter to Santa a few days before Christmas through the fireplace chimney. All of my wishes and dreams on a list into the sky, for one man to grant. If only I knew then what I know now...

Sure, I am a very emotional and sensitive person most of the time and things touch me deeply. However, at Christmas-time I don't know why everytime I hear the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" I cry, but I have a feeling I may know where it stemmed. A long time ago, when I was living with the most pretty popular and confident girl I know, I watched the movie "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock. There is a scene where Lucy (SB) is sitting with the family of the guy in a coma (who she admired from afar and saved his life - you know, the typical fairytale). Unknowingly to the family, she is not really his fiance but due to the usual Hollywood misunderstanding, they believe she is and has decided to take them up on their offer to come over for Christmas. She is welcomed into their home, already a part of the family. The scene shows Lucy sitting there, looking around at the family as they laugh and exchange presents. They film portrays Lucy as an outsider, an outsider who wants to feel that sense of belonging, to be part of a family that has love and has moments like this. That song is playing behind the laughter and chatter. Subliminally. Maybe because I felt her pain in that moment, sitting there, looking around and feeling that wanting and needing to be a part of something that feels so warm and wonderful but is not actually yours. They start to hand out gifts and Lucy is handed a gift "from Santa". That is where the tears fall. The kindness and thoughtfulness of that simple act. The confirmation that she actually was a part of it, a part of the family and included. Cared for. I just youtubed it to see if I could find it to share with you, and yet again, the tears started to well up in my eyes. It is incredible that still after all these years, I get the same reaction. I guess I can identify with the pain of feeling alone, of feeling like a fraud. Sitting there, pretending to be happy or pretend that I am a part of something that isn't really mine. Feeling so touched to be included and a part of someone else's family at such an important time of year, that alone brings tears to my eyes - yet again. Editor's Note: can we say emotional overload?

At Christmas, I tend to think of how lucky I have been. I have been included and have felt that for the past 10 years luckily, thanks to my best friend and her family. Welcoming me into their home regularly has honestly been one of the things that has saved me and helped me get to where I am today. I feel comfort when I am there, but at the same time, at no fault of their own, I wish to be a true part of it all. They tell me I am a part of it and they expect me at family functions - but stubborn me, finds it difficult to accept. I sometimes try to convince everyone, including myself that I would rather be alone. Why is that? I don't truly want to be alone, but when I start to feel sadness and loneliness about having the security of a family of my own - I want to hide. I don't want people to see that I am sad because it is hard for them to understand.

What I love most is the celebration, the family. I have never known a family to be more close in all of the people I have met throughout my life. In a way, they are my guardian angel family. I am lucky. They have shown and taught me what family should really be about - love, loyalty, commitment, security, support, togetherness - no fighting, no beating, no hatred, no attitude and certainly no mind games. No abuse. One other important thing about this family are the meals that are shared. Can I just say incredible? Every delectable part of a home cooked meal in their Mother's home is doused in love and adoration. You feel the love with each and every bite. The rice balls, the pizza, the rigatoni with sausage, the eggplant parmigiana, the chicken cutlets, the veal cutlets, the peas - that salad with that incredible dressing. It is the best restaurant in the world, but I have been lucky enough to be a patron for years, and not pay a thing. Sure, put a dish away here or set up a table there - that is nothing compared to what I get in return. Along with the sensational food comes the delightful company. The laughter never ends and if it does, it is only because I am choking from laughter because I took a bite midway through the conversation. I have truly been blessed.

Some people I do think are meant to be alone. I may or may not be one of those people. You may or may not know, I am very difficult to get along with. I am stubborn. Anyone I let close knows this and if you are close, thank you for your incredible patience and for being there. No matter what words I use, I feel misunderstood. I am not a pity case, nor will I be considered a burden to anyone or any situation. I refuse to have people take pity. I was at a dinner table a few months ago where two people were talking about how sad it is when someone is alone at Christmas or for any holiday. I thought these two women were lovely, giving, caring and was thinking at the time, more people should be like them with their kind of compassion. But only a moment later, I felt defensive. I started to think I don't need anyone to take pity and I can handle being alone. They weren't even talking about me and they had no idea of what my past situation was but yet I felt upset on the inside and felt the need to prove that I don't "need" anyone. To be honest, afterall this blog is about honesty - this holiday season I feel a little bitter. Even my post sounds negative and I don't mean it to. I don't want to be bitter or negative and only I can do what it takes to change it. Who wants to be around Ms. Bitterpants? Not me I have realized, and certainly not you. Maybe it is time to swallow this silly ridiculous pride and just accept people and their compassion not as pity, but as genuine. Wouldn't that be amazing? If I didn't make it difficult on people or try to not put words in their mouths? Or do the thinking for them? People aren't as manipulative as I think they are sometimes. People are too busy Dr. Mike used to tell me, to care. He didn't realize how important I was to think that everyone is saying things to appease me, or work around me - not because they actually may want my company. Yes folks, I have issues, clearly. I don't believe I am the centre of the world, but I do question when people do or say nice things when I am involved and perhaps that has a bit to do with the way I was raised. I wouldn't want to be judged or questioned that way as I am someone who pretty much says what they mean - I would hate if everything I said was questioned or not believed. It would be very tiring always trying to explain myself or trying to make someone believe me.

Right now, at this time of year, I have decided that I need to let go of something that has been causing me pain and frustration for a while. As much as it hurts to do, I know that it is the right thing to do for me. Clearly from my experience I have learned that family does not necessarily mean blood relation. My family consists of some incredibly loving, supportive and positive dear friends I have known for a long time (short time too!) who have shown support and love in numerous ways. These relationships are easy. No pressure. No betrayal. This time of year, along with Thanksgiving, makes me realize how important and precious these people are - because I am lucky that they love me despite my faults including stubbornness and messed up thinking. They make me see clearly and tell me when I am wrong. They show their support and love and I feel grateful that they are there, to brunch, to travel, to talk and share the important moments that count. They show up. They are always "there" and it is mutual. Ladies, you know who you are and I wouldn't trade anything to keep you all in my life, I love you very much.

Some of you may know those type of people that are petty, miserable, two faced, negative and show no respect to people around them. Scrooge. These are people that I do not want to be associated with. So for 2010 - goodbye to them, as much as it pains me to say, as much as it may hurt and as much as I may miss them - some people will always be toxic and in order for me to grow - I cannot care about those type of people and keep them in my life. I am learning that you can't keep hoping someone will change, when they don't even think that what they do and how they treat people is wrong. One day I hope that these type of people will learn love and acceptance and realize it is such a waste of precious time to be bitter and manipulative all of the time. When these types of people speak ill of someone behind their back consistently, it is only a poor reflection of who they are, not the one they are speaking of. They may think it represents confidence but to me, it shows nothing but insecurity. It is actually quite sad.

As I continue my "Family - It's All Relative" chapters, you will learn more about all of this because I want to get it all out, for my own good and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.

2010
In reality, for me, it is a time to reflect. Reflect the past year, to see how many of the goals made in January 2009 I have surpassed or have they been lost in the day to day of the life I live. I reflect on life, what it means and the hope what a new year that is just weeks away can bring. New beginnings, new hopes, new dreams. The chance to shed the negativity of the year gone by and feel excitement for the new one to begin. Celebrating new life, wonderful experiences and moments of excitement shared with people you care about the most or all by yourself. People you have lost. People you have reconnected with. People you have grown closer to. The final moments of 2009 will be a blur, only to bring us into new promises, new starts and most importantly new opportunities. This time next year I hope I have accomplished something incredible and that I am sharing with you how it feels to be a success. How it feels to be a published writer maybe. Maybe this time next year I will have been a success at losing all the Phat, I will be Fit and focused on writing my book. Editor's Note: I submitted my writing for the first time to a Literary Agent who is looking for new talent in New York. Without you reading and supporting me and sharing your thoughts on my "talent of writing" and how you enjoy my blog, I may never had had the courage to send it out. Thank you for that courage.2010 will be a great year with endless possibilities and my only goal is to leave the negative past behind and focus on the most positive future.

Merry Christmas everyone, I will send out a Big Phat Weight Reveal on Monday, and I can assure you that it will be close to the original one - but that's ok - I wont beat myself up I will just keep going.

Blog Soon,

PFF