Weight: 203 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs Lost thus far: 16
Lbs still needed to lose: 34
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0
KM walked: 13
Zumba Classes: 0
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 0
Turkey Overload: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 0
Excuses: 4
OK, I admit it. I have been L.A.Z.Y. Ever since that food filled weekend of Thanksgiving, I have felt so uninspired. I feel like I will start to gain weight now especially with only 13km walked in the past week. That is disappointing and trust me, I wish I could lie to all of you and say yes, I walked 52km this week. The trouble is, I am a very honest person, to a fault at times. I started this blog to be held accountable not only to myself but to all of you who read, who support me and have read through my tears, frustration and anger. I am sorry to disappoint myself, but I am even more sorry and embarrassed to disappoint all of you.
A dear girlfriend said is all I have to do it jump back on the wagon - get back into it. Although that sounds promising and positive, it is much easier said than done. It is cool outside, and I am a suck. I want to stay inside, wrapped in blankets, watching TV, or movies, or reading a book drinking a glass of wine. I want to sleep. I want to be cozy. It is cold out there and it is only going to get colder. Do you see the excuses I end up making? Excuses that should easily be kicked out of my head because I want to be fit and fabulous but how can I get there if I sit on my phat ass eating popcorn, or drinking wine? It is only a matter of time that I start to gain - notice the last two weight reveals have been disappointing, 1lb here and 1lb there - enough to make me want to give up. This is where I have failed before. I give up. I get lazy and give up. I start to reason with myself how it is ok that I look the way I do - I am ok like this. I have made a difference already, whats so bad about losing only 16lbs? That is quite an accomplishment, no?
The problem is, at this point, I start to eat again, stop exercising all together and give up. Until 20lbs gained down the road, I am miserable and sad because I hate my body. I want to stop the cycle, but it is so hard. Sure it is difficult along the way, but the past two weeks - introducing so much food during that four day Holiday weekend did me in. Too much food. I felt disgusting after eating so much but then I got lazy. Its like something clicked inside of me that said "what is the point?" I tell you, once I am on the path to something positive, I always have a way of self sabotaging the progress. I have no idea why. Do I think I don't deserve it? Or is it a way for me to continually live behind my excuses - I can't accomplish this because I am phat...or I will never be married because of the way I look....or I can't look good because I don't fit into clothes that would make me look amazing...come to think of it, I use my weight as a form of self sabotage. It is my protection. It is something that I have always counted on, it has always been there. I know that it is always there to protect me so letting it go, means I have to live with who I am without the access. Who am I without the weight? Will I still have "Such a pretty face" or will I still be the one who jokes around about how big I am before others get a chance to? Will I be as funny? Will I be as friendly? What if I am arrogant? I notice that when I gain weight I become more angry and bitter against things, so that will be improved once some of the weight is gone, right? I always imagine what a knock out I will be once the weight is gone, but I find myself always at one point through the process holding myself back. Why wouldn't I want to be a knock out? I would be gorgeous. Men would stop and stare and I could have them eating out of the palm of my hand. I would go on dates just to see how they act around me. How they would try and impress me. How different they would be. I wouldn't be the one left wanting more, I would be a heartbreaker - and would enjoy every second of it. Payback. Ok, that is a little harsh, but still, would love to know how it feels to be a piece of arm candy. I would be like Peanut Butter M&M's arm candy.
I don't know, the more I babble on here, the more I want to lose it just to know that I can actually do it. I always want to start a new life, move to New York, start over again. Maybe by losing the remaining 34lbs I will be able to have a new lease on life. It will be the beginning of a healthier, happier life that I have always hoped and dreamed of. It is attainable and I have to keep that in my head rather than how good that blanket feels on me. How good that chocolate tastes. How good a whole pizza would be. This past weekend was pretty rough and I almost ordered a medium walk in special at Pizza Pizza - I was like who cares...then I thought again and made a lean cuisine mini pizza at home and ate that instead. I could literally taste the goodness of the pepperoni and cheese with the lightly done crust with garlic dipping sauce and I didn't do it. Can I tell you deep down I know what the right thing to do is, regardless of wanting to give up - I just need to get off my ass this week and work it. Then perhaps, possibly I could reach under 200 and that would feed my ego enough to keep going for a while longer, and then a little while after that.
A friend of mine invited me to BootyCamp on Wednesday, and I am going! I am taking my Phat Bootay and going to camp it outside for a class. I remember I did a bootcamp class at a gym years ago and it nearly killed me. I have never seen a more energetic teacher in my life. I am looking forward to the class because maybe, just maybe, it will kick my Phat ass into gear to keep going for the next 34lbs. My plan also includes after I reach 50lbs, to go 19lbs more - but I want to see how I do with the first 50lbs, if I can actually reach that goal.
Here is hoping for the best!
Blog Soon,
PFF
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