Week 7 Numbers Game:
Weight: 204 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs Lost thus far: 15
Lbs still needed to lose: 35
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0
KM walked: 26
Zumba Classes: 1
Glasses of Shiraz: 2
Poutine: 0 Emotional Breakdowns: 1
Well, let's just say today is ok considering I barely walked this past week and this past weekend I indulged. I didn't eat completely horribly, but I did consume wayyy too much food - plus I ate pasta - which I haven't had in 6 weeks now. I need to step it up, bigtime. Tonight? Walk. Tomorrow? Walk after hockey game. Wednesday? Walk with Guest Walker....looking forward to it.
I received some very sad news this past weekend, hence the 1 emotional breakdown. My therapist died. Yes, I have a therapist. No, I am not crazy. Ok, well maybe a little. Not crazy, but absolutely emotional, but for some fairly good reasons you may or may not be aware of. Last year a very awful thing happened and tied with my past, my history, my childhood, it was recommended that I seek the help of a professional. Plus, I didn't want to feel so angry, defensive and frustrated all the time and wanted to change it. Change it like I am trying to change my weight and the way I feel - it all goes together - healthy mind, healthy body, healthy body, healthy mind. I hit a low, and went through four doctors before finding Dr. Mike. Funny enough, I was told more than once that my "issues" were beyond their realm of experience. Not Dr. Mike. This funny, wonderful man helped me see things I couldn't see for myself. He helped me look at things in a different light and help me realize that I took things to heart that I shouldn't. We worked through a lot of pain and I could never repay him for that. He had the ability to make me laugh through really rough patches and even through my breakdowns in his office. I wish he was here right now to help make me feel better, or to make me laugh, but he is gone. I found out on Saturday that he died suddenly on September 22, 2009 and I only found this out when I called again to try and make an appointment that his practice had permanently closed. Tragic. He was in his late forties. I still don't even know what happened. I just know the last time I talked to him he was in the hospital and told me he would call me last week to book our next appointment.
A good and smart man who was there for me, even though he was covered through healthcare - he was someone who I could depend on week to week to be there for me. Be there no matter what, 24 hours a day if I needed him. I have never had a male figure in my life that I could depend on like that. Although what crossed my mind when he didn't call me to rebook was that he didn't want to see me anymore, proves that I still have a lot of work left to do. I miss him already. Drinking his diet pepsi, writing his notes with his cute bee kleenex boxes, New York Times magazines in the dimly lit waiting area and his incredibly sarcastic and witty sense of humour. He is gone. Just like that. I feel incredibly sad and just now, had to leave my computer because I was crying writing this. Imagine, someone you confide in all the time, who understands you, who knows you and has never hurt you, only helps you. Someone you depend on. I feel like I have lost a good friend, and those are very hard to find like I have mentioned in previous blogs.
It just makes me realize that life is so short. It is too short. I can't quite wrap my head around it. He wanted to read my blog and I kept telling him I would send it to him and then I never got around to it. I was excited because I just bought the Blackberry Bold and he showed me some tricks. Our last session we talked about my healthy lifestyle and how good I felt that people were responding so positively to what I was doing and I felt supported by many. I felt good and he was very happy for me because he had seen just over a year ago where I was and that now I felt so much better. Happier. Exactly what I was trying to accomplish.
Now, many of you may think "omigod, a little too personal" but this is my outlet right now since unfortunately my weekly outlet for getting through this life is now in a supposedly "better place". I feel awful for his children, his family, his other patients who may not be taking it as well as I am. I feel sadness that it is always the good ones that go - where there are so many awful people that live these long lives. Criminals for example. It makes me so upset because how are we suppose to understand why this happens? Mike was a good man, who helped many people. He just bought a new BMW the same week I bought by new car. He was very excited about it - they had lost the keys which delayed delivery for weeks. All I hope is that he at least got to drive it.
I feel so sad. The good thing is when I feel like this at this moment, the last thing I want to do is eat. I am sure one day I will find another doctor, but for now, I am just going to try and work through everything he taught me and remind myself of everything he helped with. Work through this pain. It doesn't even seem real yet. I still have the appointment in my calendar because I don't want to admit that he is actually not going to be there every Thursday for me to talk to anymore.
This will teach me something for sure. Right now all I can think is we need to cherish those around you as much as you possibly can because you never know the last time you see someone will actually be the last. Live every moment you can to the fullest. I think we tend to forget that in our busy day to day lives until something like this happens but as time goes by, we heal and then get all caught up again. Imagine if everyone lived celebrating life and those around them with as much love possible? I am sure we would all feel much more fulfilled.
Blog Soon,
PFF
Editor's Note: This just sucks. I will miss you Mike thank you for everything you helped me with, it will never be forgotten.
Posts
