This is the nicest picture I have taken of myself since last November, so I am starting in the right and positive direction!Dear Readers,
I know, it has been a while. A very long while. I hope you have all been well and to be honest, I have missed you and this blog very much. If I am willing to be honest with you as I usually try my best to be, I am embarrassed and you would be correct if you think I have been avoiding this blog with every meal, every snack and every single calorie I have taken in for the past 3+ months. Guilty as charged.
Every morning I wake up and feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and overwhelmed at the fact that not only did I lose only 20lbs of my 60lb goal and gain it all back, I also have some new weight that has never, ever, ever been on my body before and seems to be settling in quite comfortably - for it, not so comfortably for me. In fact, I am very uncomfortable. I touch my sides, my stomach, my neck and the other day I saw what looked like cellulite on the top part of my thighs. I never had cellulite, regardless of how much weight I have gained - so this is actually has made me quite upset. Although I look at that, and can see what I am doing to my poor poor body, I actually eat more bad stuff. I have the attitude that I don't care while I am stuffing my face, but deep down, of course I care and hate myself almost immediately afterwards. I don't want to feel like this or look like this. I used to be considered pretty, beautiful even. Now, I can't even stand looking at pictures of me. The fact that all I ever seem to do when I look at someone on the street, on tv, in a magazine, at work - wherever, I am comparing my body to theirs for some sort of validation and comfort. That it is ok to look and feel this way because they do and talk myself into "I'm not so bad...". Or when I see someone in a pencil skirt (if you remember my love for the pencil skirt) wishing that it could be me that looks that sexy and fabulous. "Do I look like that?" I ask myself, over and over and over again to every big or comparable girl that I can find. Nowadays, there are a lot more to see it seems, but it still doesn't make it right for me.
Currently, I have no idea what I weigh, but I am guessing it is about 230 or 240. *Shameful* That is what it feels like anyway, I am literally afraid to face the scale again, even more afraid to share it with you. It isn't even about the number, the fact is, I have never felt this big in my entire life - including everytime I have gained and lost, gained and lost only to gain again. One would think I like to play this game, but I assure you, I hate it. I can barely look in the mirror. What is stopping me at the third month (before I thought if I got through the 3rd day I would be ok) - a self fulfilling prophecy that I can't actually follow through and reach my goal? Or is it just that I am lazy or deep deep down inside I don't actually believe that I can do this and be successful? Do I really not want to be the best I can possibly be or look the best I possibly can? Ever since I was in high school, I have wanted to be the girl who shows up in September with the weight off and the hottest guy in school (which would have been Jeff Maher or Ryan Hassan in my opinion) would finally notice me and ask me out. There were a couple of girls that I remember that lost weight over the summer of Grade 9 and came back and they were complete knock outs - and they have managed to still look fantastic 15 years plus later. I start the ACC in October and that is my hope, to lose weight and not be the phat hostess in the lounge. The hostess that tries to hide her stomach, ass, thighs, back phat - the list goes on - in a suit that gets harder to fit into every single day.
In my own messed up mind, there are many things I could accomplish if I finally buck up and get through the weight challenge that has paralyzed me over the years. I would have dressed better, I would have more dates, I would have someone tell me they love me, I would have love from my family, I would be more successful, I would be more loveable and would change people's minds about who they think I am if they saw the "real me" without the excess. Those are some things I think would happen if I were to reach my goal. I have hidden behind my weight and I have used it in every facet of why I couldn't achieve something or get something I really, really wanted out of life and I am tired of being in the same position again - wanting to be thin and lose the poundage, but also want to stuff my face with a Big Mac whenever I want.
Someone super fabulous shared a Kate Moss quote that she keeps in her mind, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and I am sure if I knew what it was like to be one of the "thin" girls I would abide by that as well. See? Here I go again, using my weight as an excuse. Why do I do that? Perhaps my bad habits need to be broken once and for all - this I know but it is the matter of actually doing it is what I need to work towards and proves to be very difficult.
What made me return today of all days you may be asking - there was a fire drill at work today. I walked up 9 floors and I was out of breath. There was a time when I could run up 21 flights of stairs in a few minutes - heck there was a time I climbed the CN tower in 28:02 (that is 28 minutes and 2 seconds). It took a while to catch my breath and felt incredibly out of shape because I am. I also took a look for the second time at the Slimband website and started crying looking at the success stories. Being thin or losing a significant amount of weight is not only a state of mind, it is required to ensure I live the best life I can. I can admit, I had a partial meltdown. Is surgery the only answer? Slimband is just a band, as opposed to Gastric Bypass.... Aren't I stronger than that? So many times I have failed doing it on my own, so maybe I need something bigger and better? Surgery costs $16,000.00 CAD upfront or $21500.00 CAD over a period of 4 years financing. For $2900 down and $389 per month for 48 months, I could be skinny with just a band that gets refitted from time to time. It also provides lasting / long term results - what isn't great about this procedure? Maybe I could try one last time the other method and put that money to other use perhaps? Reward myself with a fabulous month long vacation to Europe next year? Who knows....I mentioned my idea to my Aunt Shelley and she made a valid point, the surgery wont teach me how to eat properly and mentioned that I could do it without surgery.
My fabulous Aunt Shelley (my real Aunt!) is a certified personal trainer who thrives on fitness - who knew such a person existed, and why didn't I get that gene? I have always noticed this in Shelley since we met in 1999, that she loves to run, workout etc. but now, in 2010 she is finally following her dreams and making her passion for personal fitness a reality by making it her business. Go Shelley! I shared with Shelley today my tears of frustration and fantasies of being skinny and she has agreed to help me every step of the way. Although she is located in Hamilton, she is going to put together a meal and exercise regime for me that is realistic for me - no grilled chicken every single day with a piece of lettuce and I did mention my hatred for weights (which I don't think she will ever understand). I told her my fear of becoming bulky and muscular with weights and she told me it doesn't have to be that way which makes me happy. She has a basic understanding of what I want, she knows I am girly and she knows already that I need positive reinforcements and support - I also mentioned I will be probably a very difficult client, but it will give her great experience for her business. She is sending me forms tonight which mean I will be sharing my weight and other embarrassing things. I need to let her know everything I eat over the next couple of days and she will go from there. The most important thing I have to do, other than keep with it is understand that smaller goals will keep me motivated - no more 60lbs goal - 10lbs by 10lbs - maybe even 5lbs by 5lbs - in the end, it all adds up and equals to reaching one fabulous goal.
I will start Monday. I am not sure about the Big Phat Weight Reveal, but if I want to accomplish anything, I liked sharing my progress with you as painful and humiliating at times as it was, there were some great feelings of accomplishment as well. Sharing it all while you provided support and continued to read my journey. I just really really want to impress myself and prove to myself I am not full of it and prove to all of you by actually accomplishing something for ME this time and of course provide some entertainment for all of you along the way, perhaps some inspiration.
You may have lost faith in me, but I hope you give me another chance and choose to follow me again on my journey to becoming Fit and Fabulous and burn off the Phat, once and for all! Hey, gotta give me credit for never giving up, right? :)
Don't worry, there will still be my love for Pigeons, my love for Fall and discussions of too much bush in a changeroom - coming up soon? The Arnold Bootay....stay tuned.
Blog Soon, (it feels sooo good to say that!)
PFF
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