Well. I have have successfully fucked up.
I have successfully undone everything that I worked so hard to do.
I have successfully gone back on every word, every tear and every moment of frustration.
All for nothing. What a waste. I am so sorry for wasting your time and your faith in me that I could do this successfully.
I was Fat, turned it into Phat, became fitter and lost 19lbs and have now gained it alll back again - plus some. It feels like more. I feel disgusting and it makes me want to eat even more. How does that even make sense? A lot of you I am sure are disappointed, or disgusted or can't possibly understand how I could let this happen, again. It is even more difficult to understand because I even said I always self sabotage when I reach a certain point.
I could tell you all of the reasons I have come up with, all of the excuses:
- Recently severing ties with the sister I found in 2002 due to conflicts with our very different personalities
- Loss of Dr. Mike and still no replacement
- Christmas, Thanksgiving
- Winter
- Hibernation
- Continually telling myself that I will start again, everyday and still continue to make bad food choices
- Emotionally stressed in personal relationships (this could be a result of gaining)
- Feeling sadness at what and where I am going and suppose to do with my life?
All I seem to do is live in the past. I want to move on from the past. I have no idea what I am suppose to do and I am tired of complaining to you about it. I am tired of telling you how sad I feel and how fat I feel and how disgusting I feel. I am a broken record. I am a skipping cd. I am a repeating mp3.
I was feeling great and positive. I joined the Gym in November and have had every intention to go and feel better. When I met with the personal trainer at Goodlife Manulife, he told me that me walking was not good and there really no point in walking 13km every two days. That pissed me off and I didn't understand how he could say that to me when I myself saw incredible results. Maybe I focus too much on what people say and take it too personally. Whatever my reason is to allowing myself to get back like this and essentially give up on my "Phat to Fit to Fabulous" project, the fact is it is something that I can admit that I failed at, miserably.
No, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am still strong and still Fabulous. Just too heavy. I feel uncomfortable. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I can admit - I have an addiction to food. I believe I have mentioned this before. I love restaurants, I love brunch, Dinner, lunch. Any excuse to have a social outing with wine and a fabulous friend - or friends in a restaurant- it is my favourite thing to do. Sure there are healthy choices on the menu but do I want those? NOPE! I want the good, rich, delicious foods that are like lyrics on a piece of paper. Each line a sonnet, seducing me like the good old Chocolate Chunk cookie at Starbucks.
"Gilthead bream with native lobster risotto, lemongrass and Thai basil"
or
"Maine lobster with white radish honey vinaigrette, granny smith apple "
or
for a BLT, "Bacon and onion cream, chilled lettuce velouté, tomato gelée "
It all sounds so delectable, doesn't it? So appetizing, so beautiful. Creates magical experiences in my mind of how good each bite will taste. I am transcended into the modern and intimate space, the tablecloths, the candles, the wine, the way the wine glasses gleam in the mood lighting of the professionally decorated restaurant. I am there, wanting to experience and savour each and every one of my senses.
I also found this one:
"Oven roasted pigeon from Bresse with grilled polenta, smoked ventrèche,
braised shallots, baby beetroot and date sauce "
All of the menu items I have listed are courtesy of Gordon Ramsey. Although I would never eat pigeon, I thought it was kind of funny that I found this as a menu item at one of his restaurant menus with my clear obessions with pigeons, pigeon love etc.
I will be honest with you, everyday, I look at women and wish I was them. Strangers, Friends, TV, Music Videos. Their body, their legs, their arms, how they look in clothes. I could be wearing the same outfit at some of these women, and I would still feel that they look fabulous and cool and chic and I don't. I feel like a slob. I need to stop comparing and start working through it all - again.
I look at so many people that are successful at this - like Valerie Bertinelli or Marie Osmond, or Jared the Subway guy - who actually may be gaining some of his weight back I have heard lately...I guess anyone with this problem has a struggle I guess it comes down to finding what works best for each individual person. When Oprah gained back her weight, I felt a bit of a relief somehow as crazy as that sounds because I wasn't the only one who was struggling and getting back to previous issues.
I am considering starting on Monday, revealing my weight, yet again - and expect a larger number than before. This time, I plan to record everything I eat in addition to the weight and excercise and tips because obviously telling you the exercise and weight wasn't humiliating enough for me to stop. Once I record what I eat on a daily basis it will help me cut out a lot of bad stuff. I wont feel too great about having McDonalds knowing that I have to admit every bite to you. Editor's Note: I have had McDonalds 3 times possibly 4 times in the past 8 weeks.
I am irritable, frustrated, hungry for something missing, disappointed and still hopeful that I can accomplish and beat this. I need to focus on myself and not on other people's issues. I am the only one who can do this - noone can make me go to the gym or make me choose a carrot or salad when all I really see myself eating right now is pizza. Something is driving me to eat and fill an emotional void inside.
I would rather look FABULOUS and be FIT and perhaps fill that emotional void in some other way - or not at all. Recognize nothing will ever fill what is missing, because it is already gone. How can you replace something that you never had? And if you have never had it, how do you know if that is what will even satisfy you? Really, who cares? I have endless possibilities ahead of me and life just gets a bit easier when you are better looking - so why not?
Top 10 Reasons to Start Again:
10. I have done it before and can do it again
9. I am Fabulous
8. People do this every single day and so can I
7. I have a head start from those who eat 35,000 calories a day who are 700lbs
6. I don't need a crane to get me out of my house yet, So I can go freely to the gym
5. The pigeons who are expecting me to choke on back & neck phat are waiting, anticipating
4. I have a lot of loyal readers *thanks guys* and I want them to be able to read my words again on a daily basis to get me close to a book deal
3. I want to meet Oprah one day (this really has nothing to do with a good reason, I just want it)
2. I want to be healthy and Miami is coming up soon! (last weekend in April)
1. I want to prove everyone including myself wrong!
Maybe I should change the name of my blog, what do you think? New beginning new blog?
Phat to Fit to Fabulous - Let's Try This Again
or
Phat to Fitter to Fat to Fit Again to Fabulous
or
Diary of a Fabulous Food Addict
Or do I keep it the same?
Let me know what you think...
Blog Soon,
PFF - Humiliation only 5 days away!!
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