I cannot even begin to tell you how challenging this is right now. I have gained, it is cold outside and the excuses of not working out are piling up just like the pounds. I had every intention of going the past two nights, no games, but still, I didn't go. Last night I was out of energy, probably because I haven't worked out in two weeks, but the night before - was just laziness - I promised myself I would go last night and yet again, I didn't.
I really don't know what the issue is. I don't consider myself to be a lazy person, but I am extremely lazy and sluggish when it comes to getting out there these days. I have thought this before but maybe I am suppose to be Phat? Maybe Fit doesn't "fit" in my life. Maybe I am always suppose to feel like this - but then why would I have the desire to lose weight? To fit into what society thinks I should be? On Tyra yesterday, and I hate her show, but she did a weight experiment and there was a girl who was 300lbs and LOVED her body. Confident. I bet she would wear a yellow dress and have no issues. It is amazing. There was a girl on there that weight 204lbs and she was beautiful. I loved her body and I am not being biased because I am close to that weight but she was well proportioned and looked great wearing a red dress. She was confident too. I am confident at times, but consistently wanting my weight to change doesn't seem that I am too confident. I want to run into someone from my past and see how gorgeous I am. It sounds ridiculous, but I think my weight acts as a shield of protection and without it maybe I am afraid to face who I really am without it. You have heard this before, so I wont continue.
I want to buy the WiFit but chances are, even though it is easy and in my house right there, I will get bored of it. I didn't want to join a gym because I always give up and get frustrated. It ends up being a waste of money, especially since I only use a treadmill or elliptical. I hate the numbers game. Not the numbers game of weight, but the numbers that taunt me while on the treadmill. I have tried covering them with a towel, so I don't notice how slow the time goes by. How monotonous it feels. How frustrating it is when the right music isn't playing on my ipod. I am not going to sit here and lie and say that I am gym person and that I love working out. I hate it. Anyone who loves it is lucky. I DO love the results, I do love how I feel once I am done and even sometimes when I am doing it - but the process going? or getting to the point where I actually do it, is the hardest part.
I keep thinking what my Dr. Mike said to me about not wanting to do something but telling myself I am going to do it anyway - it worked for a while but not now. Maybe I need to hear it from him again. Clearly that wont happen. It has been two months and he is gone and it is more difficult than I thought. Could that be the excuse for myself? Since I have lost that assistance in making things clear, while I am in limbo I let other things slide? I must admit, I don't feel very much like myself as of late. In fact, maybe it is the holidays, the weather - see? A million excuses, a million reasons as to why. Self Sabotage? Perhaps. I was making progress, very good progress actually. With seeing my Dr. it felt good. He listened and he understood and helped me understand things I felt. I miss him and it is hard. A lot of people think that it is easy just to find someone else or that with what he taught me I should review over and over and not lose the progress I made with him - but I am slowly slipping back into old feelings and habits. I am off the path.
So, Sassy Scotland Editor's Note: Sassy Scotland is very sassy, from Glasgow and recently started working with me approached me with an offer that was hard to refuse. A gym downtown, free parking, opens at 6am and she is willing to meet me in the mornings and change her afternoon / evening routine and give up her sleep to meet me. She read my blog. Why did I start this again? I don't know if I would ever give up sleep for anyone, but technically it is for me. She got an incredible deal as well so my appointment is on Friday - I am going to a class with her Friday and Saturday. Motivation is difficult, but change is needed. If I keep going the way I am, the discouragement I am experiencing will help me bring back my exports to Jamaica - all of them. Pigeons will sit on my windowsill with their cell phones, calling their friends to check out the Phat girl on the couch being choked by her own neck Phat. I don't really want that and I need to remind myself of what I really do want. I was asked today by Sassy if I really truly wanted it. IF I wanted the number to start with a 1 or a 2. If I really wanted it bad enough. As snarky and sassy as she was - she made complete sense and of course she was right. I am sensitive and I wont lie, it hurt hearing it and it pissed me off. Really pissed me off. It pissed me off because she is right. I felt disgusting and again, like a failure but I don't have to feel like that. Eat healthy, exercise, lose weight - a simple combination, the only combination for success. This I already know, its just a matter of doing it. Running on the treadmill, going to classes, having someone there that expects me to show up and believes I can do it. Sassy Scotland wants to kick my Phat ass it seems and I hope she knows how badly I need it. I have worked hard so far, if I keep working hard and work out, continue to eat healthily then I could lose 48 lbs by May 2010 - my original goal date.
So Sassy Scotland, I accept your challenge and invite to the gym. I can do this. I will do this. AS MISERABLE as I feel right now and as much as I want to quit this blog and eat my face off and as MUCH as I want to give up, I wont. I want to be happy. I will be happy if I lose weight. I will be proud of myself and it will be like taking off the fat suit and showing who I really am. Plus, guys will be falling all over themselves like complete and utter idiots. That alone is worth it.
Does everyone now understand what I meant by lifelong battle in my introduction of this blog?
Blog Sooner than Later,
PFF
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