Editor's Note: If you have read the past two "chapters" - thank you. Thank you for sharing in my story, my journey and literally my way of moving through the past into a place where that is exactly where I want it to stay - in the past. Thank you for your kind messages, your kind words and I am so sorry if I have upset you. I want to burn the past. I want to bury it. I don't want to live with it anymore. You may be wondering why I have decided to share so much with all of you all of a sudden and the answer is simple: I need to move forward and keep the past the past and not live in that place in my everyday now. I don't want to be in a constant struggle with demons that haunt me, with constant worry. I want to release many of them, let them out and live my life in the most loving and truthful way I can, not hiding anymore behind the pain, giving myself a reason to be Phat, miserable, cranky or frustrated as it is no way to live. I know someone who is just a miserable person. On the outside they claim to be near perfect. This person is so rude to people, manipulative, selfish, two faced, full of attitude and unkind. I look at this person and think for all that they have, the life that they have lived, they should be happy and feel incredibly lucky to be where they are today. Thinking about it and how they act, how they treat people - made me want to open up about myself and ensure that I am never, ever perceived that way. I feel miserable at times, I feel sad, I get bitchy, stubborn and to be completely honest with you - I can and have been rude to people, to strangers even. These (and many others) are things that at 33 years of age, I don't want to be. The negativity I want to leave in the past and not live with it every single day of my life. The funny thing is, this person I am referring to sadly will never ever realize that they are just not a genuinely nice person and that they are just so unhappy I can only feel pity for them. No, this wont be easy, but I want to start by sharing my story, my journey that has led me here and hope that starts off the process of letting it all go so I never have to look back again.
Continued from yesterday....here is the next chapter I hope to release and close for good...
I had no idea was going to do next. I was still in high school, working part time, no car, no financial support and no other family. I went to see the guidance counsellor at school as I didn't know what to do. He talked to me about Student Welfare. Just the words "welfare" didn't sit right with me. After all, I was an Oakville snob. I met with someone who told me that all I had to do was go to class every single day, and could only miss maximum 2 classes per month. I would receive $640 per month for living, food, clothing etc. for basically just going to school. Great!!! Right?! I asked about how it would effect my job at the grocery store and they told me that I wouldn't be able to work there. This upset me. They said if I chose to still work there, I would have to deduct what I made from the monthly $640 which involved more paperwork that I was not interested in doing. I didn't want people monitoring what I was making, let alone have to report it to someone every week. I decided right then and there, I was not going to quit my job. Student Welfare was not for me. I am sure it has helped many, but I didn't want to stop working because to be honest, that part time job, the people there, were all I had at that point. It was the constant in my life. The one thing I knew that I could depend on, no matter what.
For the first year on my own, I moved quite a bit. First, I moved into a friend's place and started paying rent living in their basement. After three months, my friendship with her deteriorated so I was forced to find another place to live. Next, I moved into a room for rent with a woman and her two kids. I lived there for a while even though the air conditioning wasn't allowed to be on while she wasn't at home. Once her kids started going through my things, I felt it necessary to find some place else to live. Next, I found a basement apartment with a family living there, where the father looked at me not the way a married man with kids should be looking at a teenage girl. He was creepy and I felt dirty when he looked at me. In this basement apartment, there were spiders from time to time. It was awful, but it was all I could afford ($350 per month) and it was within walking distance to my high school and work. This all occured between January 1995 and July 1996 which seems like soooo long ago, probably because it was. I had failed some classes (big surprise) and was a bit behind so I didn't graduate grade 12 in 1994 with the rest of my friends. In September 1995 I went back to school to graduate. The first semester I took a full class load (5 a day with no lunch or spare) and added a night school class to get caught up. Yes, that is right, 6 classes in one semester. With working as much as possible at my part time job, my schedule was full. Too full. As you can guess, I couldn't do it all. I failed classes and in January of 1996 I felt completely hopeless. I started sleeping in late. I started missing classes, I started giving up. My attendance was poor, I was exhausted and stressed. At the end of the semester, I passed only 2 classes out of the 6. I think it was the first time I felt completely and utterly depressed. It hit me that I had nothing, no reason to do anything, that I wasn't going to go anywhere and maybe I was just meant to work as a cashier in a grocery store the rest of my life. I almost gave up entirely. It was probably the lowest point in my life. All I would do is eat, lay in bed, sleep and eat again. I would call in sick to work sometimes - which I rarely did if ever before.
I would eat to numb the pain, the hopelessness and the stress. Food I could count on. Food was always there for me. Food didn't judge me and was ok with me missing school. Food was my parent, my friend, my family. Food didn't abuse me, didn't punch me, didn't hurt my feelings. Food didn't play mind games. Food made me feel good and full. It made me feel protected. I loved food. It nourished my body and my soul. I still love food to this day, hence why I have this blog - hello? 50lbs to lose? Exactly. Food is still a coping mechanism for me, except only when I am heartbroken - remember, the best diet ever.
While laying in bed, day in and day out January 1996 I wondered what would become of my life, if anything. My best friend Sonia and I talked a lot. Although we only worked together at that point and were at separate high schools - she knew a lot of what had gone on in my home - when we use to talk on the phone she knew I would have to call her back after my father came home angry or pretend I was sleeping or not make a sound when he came home so I wouldn't get in trouble and we would whisper. We talked one night for hours in that January. What seemed like hours about why I shouldn't give up. Why I couldn't let everything go. The fact that I was so close to graduating (4 credits away) it was ridiculous to give up now. I started to think in that conversation, what my children would think. I didn't have children at the time, but I figured when I eventually did, what would they think of their mother without a high school diploma? I had already wore my class ring with the year 1995 on it. I wore it but hadn't graduated. I loved that school ring and felt that it would be dishonest if I continued to wear it, if I didn't actually graduate the school it represented. I worked hard for that ring. I believe it was $310 which doesn't seem like a lot now, but that was pretty much a month's rent back then. I remember thinking I wanted my children to be proud of their mother. That I was strong enough to do this and even if I didn't go anywhere past high school, I could be proud of what I accomplished and at the very least, I had my high school diploma. So my decision was made during that one phone call. That one phone call changed my life and turned it around.
I wanted to go back for the second semester in February, but the principal was not impressed. I needed to beg him to let me come back. There was more than one meeting. I was serious and wanted to make it happen. When I say beg, I had to share with him a lot of what was going on, what had happened and why and promised him that my attendance would improve. He allowed me to come back and monitored me. I stuck to it. Sonia left two voicemail messages in the weeks that followed that fate changing phone call night. I saved both of them for 8 months. Both messages basically told me that I just needed to get through this, that I needed to just work hard, there were only four credits and once I finished, jokingly, I would have her to thank. She told me that she believed in me, and that is what I needed the most. Someone to believe in me. Someone that cared enough to see that I could do it. Whatever "it" was. Whenever I was on the verge of giving up, I would listen to those messages again and again to get me through. I worked very hard to pass, worked full time hours at the grocery store, and when exam time came - I was passing all of my classes, I even had a couple of B's. Passing all of them, except for one. I had a 38% in Math and needed that credit to graduate. I was more of an English person, clearly since this was the third time I was taking this specific Math class. I needed this credit to graduate more than anything I had ever needed before. My dear friend Tara who seemed like a whiz at math, offered to help me study the night before my exam. I am sure she wanted to kill me. I was so frustrated and just wasn't getting it. I tried, but kept telling her I was stupid. Sweet, patient, chocolate covered Tara stuck with me, got frustrated at me but still stood by me and taught me. Step by step, took me through all of it. I have never studied math so hard in my life. The next day at my exam, I was the last one to leave and used the entire time to finish. I answered every single question. I hoped and prayed during the days I waited. I got my final grades and passed Math with a 54%. That mark was not given to me, that mark was earned by me. I was elated that I had graduated high school. I had done it, just like Sonia and Tara believed I would. I found out later that I received a 89% on my exam, which was the second highest mark of the entire class. I had only one person to thank for that, SCCT - Sweet Chocolate Covered Tara.
Up until that point, I don't believe I had ever been that excited. When I found out I graduated, I was incredibly proud of what I had accomplished and felt so incredibly thankful for those who surrounded me and believed in me through it all. In my situation there were many options that could have happened. Drugs, prostitution, homelessness, pregnancy being a a few. I could have easily gotten involved with the wrong crowd, but I had the most incredible friends anyone could ever ask for. Sure, being my friend came with some serious issues as I was quite emotional and sensitive - but I have never forgotten the people who made such a difference in my life. They were the difference between me failing and succeeding. The friends that listened to me cry. The friends that didn't give up on me. The friends that were there through everything who believed I could do it even when I was convinced it wasn't possible. I am incredibly lucky and fortunate. My friends became my family and although it was quite a burden for them - some of the best ones are still in my life, surround me to this day and I am as thankful now as I was then to have them.
There were many people who made a difference in my life back then, who made things easier for me and may not have realized. I worked with many great people. They seemed to take care of me in different ways. My two managers would always make sure I would get dibs on shifts that became available last minute. I needed those shifts to survive. They would listen to me when I was upset - which was a lot. They did things outside their job description to help me. They always made sure I had a ride home at night and even a few times the store manager himself would come and pick me up to bring me in to work. It was like a family at that store who all took me under their wing and helped in small ways to them, but huge ways to me. I am grateful to everyone there as well as I am convinced that I wouldn't be here today if they weren't all so kind to me back then.
Just one incredible example of kindness I experienced - there was this guy named Lee who went to my high school. We weren't very close friends but we hung around mutual people, in the same circle of friends. He would see me walking along McCraney Drive on my way to work after school sometimes. At least a dozen times it seemed, he would pull over, offer me a ride and drive me all the way to work, out of his way. I loved those days. Lee went out of his way to be kind to me and help me. It may not have seemed like a big deal to him, but it was a huge deal for me. So Lee, if you are reading this, thank you for your kindness those many years ago. You made such a positive impact on my life by helping me when you didn't really have to, but you did, and it will never be forgotten.
The summer I turned 20, I found out my Sweet Chocolate Covered Tara's good friend Rhonda was looking for a roommate. Tara as brilliant as she is suggested that we move in together. Rhonda attended my 20th birthday party and it happened soon after that. We talked about it later and ended up looking for a place together. We ended up finding the best apartment ever in Oakville on White Oaks Blvd. for $847.56 -which was $423.78 each, monthly. We moved in together August 1996. My very first home!! With my very own key!!! I was so happy, plus I lived with the most Pretty, Popular and Confident girl I have ever known.
Editor's Note: Some of you may be wondering at this point, what happened to her parents? Is when they kicked you out in January 1995 the last time you saw them? So what happened there? Maybe you are wondering when I will stop blabbing so you can go grab something to eat or watch Oprah.
I will continue tomorrow....I hope you continue reading....
Blog Soon,
PFF
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