Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

What does this statement mean to you?

Perhaps you are already living this way. Perhaps you are one of those people that I admire from a distance, admiring your strength and ability to not worry about certain things that you can't control. Maybe I look to you for advice because you are the calm that I seek within myself. Everything that you say or touch is laced with sincerity and serenity. Possibly you are a person with an old soul, who seems to be wise and be able to make sense of things for me that I just can't visualize on my own. If you are someone who doesn't "sweat" or feel stress on a day to day basis or minute to minute in my case, then it is simple, I admire you. If you are someone who can control your emotions and not let them get out of hand, or keep them consistently at an even level, I admire you. If you are someone who can communicate effectively, say what you need to with assertiveness without being bitchy or rude, then I admire you and of course I am in awe of your ability to achieve this. Where it seems to me that life is lived seamlessly without struggle, stress, worry or pain by many. Many happy people. Many serene people. People that have essentially found the secret to their own inner peace and are genuinely happy with the way their lives are. I want some of that. Editor's Note: Women don't sweat, they glow unless Jillian is involved.

This blog is about me being Phat trying to get Fit and becoming even more Fabulous than I already feel that I am. More importantly, through my writing I think it is important to be as honest as possible and truthful to myself and of course to you. Noone can realistically relate to fantasy or make believe and noone likes a bullshitter.

This is the harsh reality.

I have started thinking a lot about my life now that I am hitting close to my mid thirties. I wonder what exactly am I suppose to be doing while I am here? I sure feel lucky to be here, living life, but I surely don't want to waste the time I have or have regrets when it's my time to go. Focusing on bettering myself in the weight category is a great start that will build confidence and make me a bit happier for sure, but it may not change how I react and feel to everything and everyone that surrounds me. Sure, I do think sometimes that losing all the weight will help make me more lovable, kind and overall a more positive person...but what if after I lose all the weight I end up gaining it all back again? It is very possible for this to happen, (we have witnessed this already) especially if I am still in the wrong mindset, living a life day to day filled with worry and stress. Even worse, I could lose all the weight, and still feel like a negative ninny and somewhat empty on the inside.

In addition to "Glowing" the small stuff, I have a bad habit of taking what people say to me, twisting it to something negative and making myself believe it is what they actually said. Because I "just know" that is what they are really trying to say, they just don't have the guts to say it to me. Aren't I smart? Dr. Mike used to tell me "I didn't realize that you were so important" - sarcastically of course to drive the point home that people are too busy to manipulate situations the way I think they are trying to. Even when other people tell me I doing this, I make the excuse that it's not really what they are trying to say and somehow turn it into something awful relating to me. I seem to be my own worse enemy the majority of the time. Maybe it is because I have a hard time trusting, maybe it is low self esteem and maybe, just maybe, I am just expecting people to disappoint me. How sad and negative is that? Dr. Mike also used to tell me that what it sounds like to him is that I am constantly putting people to the test. Testing for what exactly I am not sure. To prove myself right maybe? I ask myself, right about what?

Regardless of why or what I do, the thing is, it is just time wasted. Time that I could spend doing things that could enrich my life. Spending time with the elderly, volunteering at a homeless shelter, finally becoming a big sister - these are things that I think about all the time but I never make the time to actually do. I would love to help build homes in a third world country one day. The energy it takes to dilute what people say or do is emotionally exhausting and only causing harm as opposed to helping me live the best life possible, regardless of my size. Oprah would not be impressed, and I would never want to disappoint Oprah. I don't know if you know how I feel about Oprah, but my love and respect for her is one all it's own.

Back to the original point of this posting: I am currently reading the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson, PH.D. This book was originally published in 1997. I had heard about this book as well as the saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" or when people say "Don't sweat it", but have never really sat down to think about what it actually really means or even give it a chance. Just words that don't matter. In my mind, the way I looked at things was fine and anyone who read that book was lame. Lame book, Lame people reading Lame book. (see? negative ninny!) I already knew all the answers and didn't need a book to tell me to relax or find inner peace. Inner peace was ultra super lame. To be honest, it was never something that interested me because I knew better. Actually, now that I am almost done reading the 100 Chapters, I find that I knew Bitter. Now I know that my previous thoughts on Inner Peace were ignorant and I am the one who was ultra super lame to think that way. This book was made for someone like me. In about 90% of the 100 entries of how not to sweat the small stuff and start living your life, I was the textbook (or paperback) case in point.

If you haven't read the book, my recommendation is that you start. Most points (aka chapters) are given and it starts with if you do this, and this, then you should try this to find inner peace and happiness. Sometimes it tells you straight out - do this and you will find your own inner peace and happiness. So in 90% of those analogies, I was the personality that the book is trying to find peace and happiness for. For example:

#66 Think of What you Have Instead of What You Want
I am someone who is always thinking about what I want. I know all of us have goals and desires. If we didn't think about what we want to accomplish or have, would we even get out of bed in the morning? There are many days that I wish I had more money, a huge house, a family, children or a career in writing. There are times I think that I should be further along than I am in life and that what I have just isn't good enough. We live in a society that is very materialistic in nature, so I am sure that has something to do with it. There are rare times that I consider how lucky I am to have vision, to be able to listen to music (like Mariah) and have conversations. I am also lucky that I have a roof over my head, that I can breathe, that I can feel compassion, I can fall in love, that I have emotions, that I am a woman, that I am employed, that I have fabulous friends, that I have the ability to travel, that I live in a free country with a health care system and honestly, I could go on and on and on. When I start to think about the good, there is a lot of it. It is very rare for me to think about what I "have" everyday and it is usually when something sad and tragic happens I take the time to realize how fortunate I truly am. Why wait for something awful to happen to appreciate all that I have? It is actually quite eye opening listing or thinking about all of the things I do have as opposed to thinking about the things I don't have. Maybe I should set time every week to write down what I am thankful for. Maybe, I could end my blog entry everytime with something that I feel fortunate about. A little daily reminder of how lucky I am. Done. See? What a difference a chapter can make.

That is just one down, 99 more to go. There are 100 chapters in this book, small chapters full of possibilities and opportunities. Simple ways to enrich my life and the lives of people who surround me.

"Stop Blaming Others" is another chapter in this book. I find myself blaming many for such a difficult life. Not on a daily basis but in the back of my mind, I know the blame is there, taking up a lot of space. I blame my birth mother for giving me away. I blame my birth father for telling his mother that I died at birth. I blame my paternal grandmother for not trying harder to keep me. I blame my adoptive brother for beating me and hating me my entire childhood. I blame my adoptive parents for physical and emotional abuse I endured for years. I blame my adoptive parents for kicking me out over and over and over again from the time I was 13 until I was on my own at 18 not giving me a real chance at what I consider a "normal" life. I blame my adoptive parents for not loving me the way I needed to be loved. I blame them for me not being a well balanced, normal and consistently positive person in society who trusts people automatically. I blame all of them for not taking responsibility for an innocent child who didn't ask to be here. I also blame myself for not having a close relationship with either my birth family or adoptive family - when I look at it, I am the common denominator, correct? I blame myself for not owning property, not making a six figure income and for not having all that I consider what it takes to be a success. That is a lot of blame. That is also a lot of negativity built up and taking up a lot of space and energy just lingering in my mind and heart. How is that not bound to come out in various situations, lately, daily ones? "Stop Blaming Others" goes hand in hand with "Thinking of what you have, instead of what you want" for me.

Dr. Carlson states "Many of us operate with the assumption, “when in doubt, it must be someone else’s fault.” I for sure operate this way. I am in doubt as to why it all happened, so I blame everyone because at that age, I feel I didn't have a say in the choices that were made for me. Dr. Carlson follows it up with "You can see this assumption in action almost everywhere you look – something is missing, so someone else must have moved it; the car isn’t working right, so the mechanic must have repaired it incorrectly; your expenses exceed your income, so your spouse must be spending too much money; the house is a mess, so you must be the only person doing your part; a project is late, so your colleagues at work must not have done their share – and on and on it goes. This type of blame thinking has become extremely common in our culture. On a personal level, it has led us to believe that we are never completely responsible for our own actions, problems or happiness. When we are in the habit of blaming others, we will blame others for our anger, frustration, depression, stress and unhappiness. In terms of personal happiness, you cannot be peaceful while at the same time blaming others. Surely there are times when other people and/or circumstances contribute to our problems, but it is we who must rise to the occasion and take responsibility for our own happiness. Circumstances don’t make a person, they reveal him or her. As an experiment, notice what happens when you stop blaming others for anything and everything in your life. This doesn’t mean you don’t hold people accountable for their actions, but that you hold yourself accountable for your own."

Well Dr. Carlson, the blame stops here. Your words are like magic and make it crystal clear to me. I am blaming people who had certain responsibilities and choices who I realize now were incapable of managing or handling them. They didn't know any better (ignorance) and clearly couldn't do any better so I actually feel sorry for them in a way. I know that these circumstances (though unfortunate) do not define me, they only helped reveal that I am an extremely strong woman who can handle any situation that comes her way. I feel nothing but pride for my accomplishments so far and will just continue with the same drive to reach new goals that will lead to happiness and fulfillment throughout the rest of my life. When I am angry, frustrated, feeling a bit depressed, when I am stressed or feel unhappy - it always goes back to the painful time in my life, blaming that time for my current behaviour or why I am in a certain situation. Like a disease. A bad excuse. It was something that a. was long long ago and b. something I had no control over so why let it dictate or try to define who I am and how I act towards others? It is the past. Although I do hold them all accountable for their roles, but there is noone left to blame. The blame is gone. If it ever comes to mind again, I just need to remember I am the one in charge of my own happiness today and going forward, nobody else. How can I look forward to the future and do all of the things that I hope to do if I am constantly looking to the past trying to accept and understand the why's and what if's of it all? I deserve happiness and inner peace and this book is helping me realize that it is a. entirely possible and b. that I am the one who is responsible for obtaining it - noone else. I am a woman who can handle this kind of responsibility and now that I know better, I can do better - not bitter. Luckily this book is giving me the mind tools to find it in small and subtle ways. Like I mentioned earlier, this book is gooooood. The book wont do the work for me, but it seems to be helping me think in a more positive light already.

Right now, I feel a little like a bull. A bull in a china shop as my mother used to say. If you have never heard it before it may sound silly. If you aren't sure what it means, it is really quite simple, as in it means exactly what it says. Just picture an actual bull with horns and everything walking around a china shop. We all know he wouldn't be walking, he would be stressed and jumping all over the place. I am sure you will agree, the result of this vision will have a not so positive ending. Bulls are big, with horns, sometimes they are angry and seem out of control especially in stressful situations (like being in a china shop for instance). People run away from them when they see one coming. Maybe if I look at myself as a bull and the people who surround me as the china shop, it can help me visualize how others view me when I start to stress out about stuff in various situations that really don't warrant stress.

Dr. Carlson asks to ask yourself when feeling the stress of a situation: "Will this matter a year from now?" If you have ever visited a china shop, it is quiet, peaceful place to plan and choose your dinnerware. The dinnerware that represents you and your spouse and your future family. I just think of the William Ashley store on Bloor Street. Walls and walls of beautiful dinnerware with various patterns as well as stunning crystal and to die for flatware. I want to be a sheep in a china shop. Mmmm. Maybe a sheep wouldn't work either. One day, I want to be a strong Fit and Fabulous baby bull that walks into William Ashley (holla!) that others admire for the ability to not sweat the small stuff. They will admire that I am living a life of grace and humility who wont scare, push or break the "china" around because she doesn't want to be the big mean bull people expect. (metaphors people).

Editor's Note: After a little more research online, unfortunately I found out that Dr. Richard Carlson died on December 13, 2006 on his way to NYC at the age of 45 years old promoting his book. He died from a pulmonary embolism (which I learned is a blockage of the main artery of the lung or one of its branches by a substance that has travelled from elsewhere in the body through the bloodstream). It was unexpected and sudden. Sounds familiar. He passed away living his life not sweating the small stuff, love stuff or the work stuff. Thank you for creating such a thought provoking and life changing piece of literature.

RIP Dr. Carlson

Gratitude

Today I am thinking of my healthier choices and feel fortunate to have Dried Mango, fresh banana and a granny smith apple and to be able to drink fresh and clean water any time I want.

Blog Soon,

PFF

p.s. Again, this is my journey and I appreciate you joining me on this road to self discovery.