Phat to Fit to Fabulous

Movin' on up - to the Wordpress side!

2010-06-18T23:56:00.006-04:00

Welcome back!!!

I am so happy that you are here. I am guessing that hopefully you read "The Return" yesterday and you have also "Returned" because you are interested in following me on my journey, or that you want to see if this time I can acutally accomplish my goal. It could also mean that you are on my Facebook and were invited by me to "Like" the Phat to Fit to Fabulous page (thank you and feel free to suggest the page to friends!) or you may be able to identify with what I am trying to do - and looking for some inspiration or someone you can identify with - knowing that you aren't alone in your own journey. Maybe you are reading because you want to show your support. Maybe there are some who read secretly, silently and vindictively hoping that I fail. Regardless of the reason, I am very grateful you are here, willing to read my words, my journey, my truth - which gives me incredible strength to know that I am not entirely alone here.

As you read yesterday, I am trying to get back on track. I fell off the wagon somewhere between Thanksgiving (three Thanksgiving dinners, remember?) and Christmas, everyday in between, and numerous days since - it seemed only more difficult to get it together and start again and finish. Here I am, starting over 6 months later.

I keep making promises, only to fail myself and feel worse and continue to make very unhealthy choices. Every Monday the same short lived promises. I am going to start today by eating healthy and go to the gym. Very short lived. By the time I get to Starbucks at 8am, the Starbucks cookie wastes no time in seducing me. Croissant anyone? What?! I love to pretend I am in Paris - yes, sadly, that is my justification. The truth is, I am in Toronto eating for breakfast what could possibly be a full day calorie intake. How about now that we are 2 days away from the first day of Summer - Caramel Frappucino? Sure, who cares, it's Suuuummmmmeeeerrrrr! Chocolate bar from the vending machine at work? Who cares?!?! It's not like it will make a difference. I talk myself into every bad choice I make so I need to get revved up and psyched about talking myself into making the healthier choices. Unhealthy choices taste so delicious at the moment - but they stay with me - on my ass, my neck phat and back phat to be exact. Remember those pounds that went on vacation? I told them when they left that they couldn't come back - but they didn't listen to me - they came back alright, along with some serious baggage. It's like they made some new friends, lovers, one night stands and whoever they met and decided to bring them back without even consulting me. Where are the deportation officers when you need them? Something should have stopped them. Someone should have stopped them. That irresponsible person that coulda, shoulda, would have -oh wait, the only one who could have is me and sadly, I didn't. But times are a changin'!

I responded to some of my Aunt Shelley's questions last night and my favourite part was I had to send her pictures of famous people whose body types I hoped for for myself. The natural first two choices were Eva Mendes and Kate Winslet of course, but also Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlet Johansson and Beyonce were all on my personal list. Now, the thing I love about all of these women is that they have shape and curve to them which I like and still want for myself. The curvy club (although many are acutally a size 2 or 4 which should hardly be considered curvy). Some think Jennifer Aniston has an incredible body, which for her age (anyone's age really) she looks unbelievably incredible - like a foxy fox that is hot to trot- but I don't yearn for her body type...although she does look fabulous in a pencil skirt. The excellent thing I realized is, I don't long to be a waif. I can accept the fact that it is probably impossible for me to be a size 2 or 4 but again, if we are going on sizes, I would settle for an 8. This is not about being as skinny as possible for me. Sure, I definitely want to lose weight and maintain a healthy body since I only have this one - but when I was looking at those pictures I know for certain, I am not willing to let all of my weight go. I like having a little cushin for the pushin - know what I'm sayin' ladies? That's right, I said it. ;) Ok, for real? Looking gaunt or extremely muscular is not for me - I like real bodies - and I want to have a fabulous and fit one where I wake up I love looking at my nekkid body every single day. So much so that I find it difficult getting to work on time or making appointments or I am just constantly staring at myself.

Editor's Note: So, I am Movin' on up to the Wordpress side - if you have noticed through my Facebook, my blog may look a bit different. That is because I have created a new blog through Wordpress.com and have decided to move Phattofittofabulous over there to make it easier to read, more accessible and a tad more professional looking. There may come a time that I transfer all 71 posts from this blog to the new one, but the dates will be messed up and I will miss the original feel of this, the first part of my journey. Feel free to visit here anyime you would like and I hope you join me on the other side....

www.phattofittofabulous.wordpress.com

Thank you so much for sharing my journey,

PFF

The Return.

2010-06-17T14:57:00.010-04:00

This is the nicest picture I have taken of myself since last November, so I am starting in the right and positive direction!

Dear Readers,

I know, it has been a while. A very long while. I hope you have all been well and to be honest, I have missed you and this blog very much. If I am willing to be honest with you as I usually try my best to be, I am embarrassed and you would be correct if you think I have been avoiding this blog with every meal, every snack and every single calorie I have taken in for the past 3+ months. Guilty as charged.

Every morning I wake up and feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and overwhelmed at the fact that not only did I lose only 20lbs of my 60lb goal and gain it all back, I also have some new weight that has never, ever, ever been on my body before and seems to be settling in quite comfortably - for it, not so comfortably for me. In fact, I am very uncomfortable. I touch my sides, my stomach, my neck and the other day I saw what looked like cellulite on the top part of my thighs. I never had cellulite, regardless of how much weight I have gained - so this is actually has made me quite upset. Although I look at that, and can see what I am doing to my poor poor body, I actually eat more bad stuff. I have the attitude that I don't care while I am stuffing my face, but deep down, of course I care and hate myself almost immediately afterwards. I don't want to feel like this or look like this. I used to be considered pretty, beautiful even. Now, I can't even stand looking at pictures of me. The fact that all I ever seem to do when I look at someone on the street, on tv, in a magazine, at work - wherever, I am comparing my body to theirs for some sort of validation and comfort. That it is ok to look and feel this way because they do and talk myself into "I'm not so bad...". Or when I see someone in a pencil skirt (if you remember my love for the pencil skirt) wishing that it could be me that looks that sexy and fabulous. "Do I look like that?" I ask myself, over and over and over again to every big or comparable girl that I can find. Nowadays, there are a lot more to see it seems, but it still doesn't make it right for me.

Currently, I have no idea what I weigh, but I am guessing it is about 230 or 240. *Shameful* That is what it feels like anyway, I am literally afraid to face the scale again, even more afraid to share it with you. It isn't even about the number, the fact is, I have never felt this big in my entire life - including everytime I have gained and lost, gained and lost only to gain again. One would think I like to play this game, but I assure you, I hate it. I can barely look in the mirror. What is stopping me at the third month (before I thought if I got through the 3rd day I would be ok) - a self fulfilling prophecy that I can't actually follow through and reach my goal? Or is it just that I am lazy or deep deep down inside I don't actually believe that I can do this and be successful? Do I really not want to be the best I can possibly be or look the best I possibly can? Ever since I was in high school, I have wanted to be the girl who shows up in September with the weight off and the hottest guy in school (which would have been Jeff Maher or Ryan Hassan in my opinion) would finally notice me and ask me out. There were a couple of girls that I remember that lost weight over the summer of Grade 9 and came back and they were complete knock outs - and they have managed to still look fantastic 15 years plus later. I start the ACC in October and that is my hope, to lose weight and not be the phat hostess in the lounge. The hostess that tries to hide her stomach, ass, thighs, back phat - the list goes on - in a suit that gets harder to fit into every single day.

In my own messed up mind, there are many things I could accomplish if I finally buck up and get through the weight challenge that has paralyzed me over the years. I would have dressed better, I would have more dates, I would have someone tell me they love me, I would have love from my family, I would be more successful, I would be more loveable and would change people's minds about who they think I am if they saw the "real me" without the excess. Those are some things I think would happen if I were to reach my goal. I have hidden behind my weight and I have used it in every facet of why I couldn't achieve something or get something I really, really wanted out of life and I am tired of being in the same position again - wanting to be thin and lose the poundage, but also want to stuff my face with a Big Mac whenever I want.

Someone super fabulous shared a Kate Moss quote that she keeps in her mind, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and I am sure if I knew what it was like to be one of the "thin" girls I would abide by that as well. See? Here I go again, using my weight as an excuse. Why do I do that? Perhaps my bad habits need to be broken once and for all - this I know but it is the matter of actually doing it is what I need to work towards and proves to be very difficult.

What made me return today of all days you may be asking - there was a fire drill at work today. I walked up 9 floors and I was out of breath. There was a time when I could run up 21 flights of stairs in a few minutes - heck there was a time I climbed the CN tower in 28:02 (that is 28 minutes and 2 seconds). It took a while to catch my breath and felt incredibly out of shape because I am. I also took a look for the second time at the Slimband website and started crying looking at the success stories. Being thin or losing a significant amount of weight is not only a state of mind, it is required to ensure I live the best life I can. I can admit, I had a partial meltdown. Is surgery the only answer? Slimband is just a band, as opposed to Gastric Bypass.... Aren't I stronger than that? So many times I have failed doing it on my own, so maybe I need something bigger and better? Surgery costs $16,000.00 CAD upfront or $21500.00 CAD over a period of 4 years financing. For $2900 down and $389 per month for 48 months, I could be skinny with just a band that gets refitted from time to time. It also provides lasting / long term results - what isn't great about this procedure? Maybe I could try one last time the other method and put that money to other use perhaps? Reward myself with a fabulous month long vacation to Europe next year? Who knows....I mentioned my idea to my Aunt Shelley and she made a valid point, the surgery wont teach me how to eat properly and mentioned that I could do it without surgery.

My fabulous Aunt Shelley (my real Aunt!) is a certified personal trainer who thrives on fitness - who knew such a person existed, and why didn't I get that gene? I have always noticed this in Shelley since we met in 1999, that she loves to run, workout etc. but now, in 2010 she is finally following her dreams and making her passion for personal fitness a reality by making it her business. Go Shelley! I shared with Shelley today my tears of frustration and fantasies of being skinny and she has agreed to help me every step of the way. Although she is located in Hamilton, she is going to put together a meal and exercise regime for me that is realistic for me - no grilled chicken every single day with a piece of lettuce and I did mention my hatred for weights (which I don't think she will ever understand). I told her my fear of becoming bulky and muscular with weights and she told me it doesn't have to be that way which makes me happy. She has a basic understanding of what I want, she knows I am girly and she knows already that I need positive reinforcements and support - I also mentioned I will be probably a very difficult client, but it will give her great experience for her business. She is sending me forms tonight which mean I will be sharing my weight and other embarrassing things. I need to let her know everything I eat over the next couple of days and she will go from there. The most important thing I have to do, other than keep with it is understand that smaller goals will keep me motivated - no more 60lbs goal - 10lbs by 10lbs - maybe even 5lbs by 5lbs - in the end, it all adds up and equals to reaching one fabulous goal.

I will start Monday. I am not sure about the Big Phat Weight Reveal, but if I want to accomplish anything, I liked sharing my progress with you as painful and humiliating at times as it was, there were some great feelings of accomplishment as well. Sharing it all while you provided support and continued to read my journey. I just really really want to impress myself and prove to myself I am not full of it and prove to all of you by actually accomplishing something for ME this time and of course provide some entertainment for all of you along the way, perhaps some inspiration.

You may have lost faith in me, but I hope you give me another chance and choose to follow me again on my journey to becoming Fit and Fabulous and burn off the Phat, once and for all! Hey, gotta give me credit for never giving up, right? :)

Don't worry, there will still be my love for Pigeons, my love for Fall and discussions of too much bush in a changeroom - coming up soon? The Arnold Bootay....stay tuned.

Blog Soon, (it feels sooo good to say that!)

PFF

How I Will Look Fabulous Naked!

2010-03-10T13:36:00.007-05:00

I am submitting my application to the show "How to Look Good Naked Canada".

The show description on their site is this:

"Not feeling good about your body was so last year… Based on the highly successful British series, How To Look Good Naked is coming to Canada! With the help of Canada’s top fashion and lifestyle experts we will help women get their body confidence back, no surgery required! In each episode our host will teach women how to embrace their curves, love their lives and learn how to best show off the figures they have. We will guide them through their negative body issues and help them demystify their ideas of perfection. Each week through styling, beauty tips, and direction from our style experts, we will lead a woman on an extraordinary journey to loving herself again. "

I have watched the British version and I think that it is fantastic. I believe that so many women, including myself, have such a negative body image and we are actually so distorted in how we think we look to others, it damages us in ways we may not even realize. The idea for auditioning for this show came quickly and easily for me. How quickly? I decided yesterday to audition / apply and I submitted today but it failed - so I have to retry. It was an extensive questionnaire, asking me how I feel about my body, if I avoid certain situations because of my negative body image, what parts of my body do I hate, who is the person I would most like to impress and the last time I wore a bikini. There are many other questions they asked and if I am selected for the show I am sure there will be many more. The other thing that they required that I wasn't prepared for were the seven pictures that they need. Up close face smiling, full body smiling, full body from the side, full body in bra and underwear and full body side in bra and underwear. Not the photo shoot I imagined. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to submit full body pictures, just the ones that have my beautiful smiling face showing. My goal this week is to get those pictures taken and submit. I thought I had time to build myself up to half naked pictures of my awful phat body, but no no no, before the show airs I have the pleasure (DISPLEASURE) of having numerous people look at me half naked. This is something (the punishment) I think I deserve after gaining back the 20lbs I lost. Wowsers. I am not sure if this is a good idea......but you know what? I have been bad so I deserve the humiliation.

If you haven't seen the show, the one ultra scary but oh so fabulous thing they do is get you to pose in a bra and underwear (sans airbrushing- eeek!) and they post a billboard up in your city. That is right. Instead of the photo shoot with fur like Kate Winslet, I can do a photo shoot with my Phat body, half naked, for the entire city of Toronto to see and ask random passers by to give their thoughts on camera (lord help me). Can we say risky? Can we say humiliating? Can we say I think it is an adventure and it could potentially be a lot of fun and who knows it may even help me find a little happiness in the way I look right now? Can we also say it would be terrifying and if I thought writing this blog was humiliating. Once I do this, they glam me up and have me pose nude and put that air brushed billboard up in a mall. Uh huh. I have decided that if I get through the screening process and they select me, my fabulous friends and I will go have some mimosas and take pictures in front the phat fabulousness billboard that is me. Thankfully when I asked many volunteered to be on the show for support (some thought they would have to be naked too but no, no - the pleasure is all mine!). An experience many may luckily never have - but deep down, I think it will be a huge learning experience. Trust me, if you are reading this and have any issue with your body, you wont even think about it if you see this....

There is also an opportunity if I don't make the show, or maybe if I do - I could end up being still on a billboard in Toronto, in a bra and underwear, with a little air brushing - helping the cause of insecure women (like myself) everywhere. Kind of like the Dove commercials where you see the women that look real....but it would be ME. Adventurous huh? Let's hope that I am selected to do the show - I think it would be beneficial for my own body image (since I feel like I look like a cow right now) and maybe celebrating the way I look now, will help me appreciate even more how hard I need to work to get fit and fabulous.

6 weeks to Miami. Lord help me.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Angel's Cry

2010-03-05T15:13:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyGNfbKkMVE&feature=related

I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything OK
But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground
I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

I thought we'd be forever and always
You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was OK
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me
But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone
And
We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye
'Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you
Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

2010-03-04T10:06:00.011-05:00

What does this statement mean to you?

Perhaps you are already living this way. Perhaps you are one of those people that I admire from a distance, admiring your strength and ability to not worry about certain things that you can't control. Maybe I look to you for advice because you are the calm that I seek within myself. Everything that you say or touch is laced with sincerity and serenity. Possibly you are a person with an old soul, who seems to be wise and be able to make sense of things for me that I just can't visualize on my own. If you are someone who doesn't "sweat" or feel stress on a day to day basis or minute to minute in my case, then it is simple, I admire you. If you are someone who can control your emotions and not let them get out of hand, or keep them consistently at an even level, I admire you. If you are someone who can communicate effectively, say what you need to with assertiveness without being bitchy or rude, then I admire you and of course I am in awe of your ability to achieve this. Where it seems to me that life is lived seamlessly without struggle, stress, worry or pain by many. Many happy people. Many serene people. People that have essentially found the secret to their own inner peace and are genuinely happy with the way their lives are. I want some of that. Editor's Note: Women don't sweat, they glow unless Jillian is involved.

This blog is about me being Phat trying to get Fit and becoming even more Fabulous than I already feel that I am. More importantly, through my writing I think it is important to be as honest as possible and truthful to myself and of course to you. Noone can realistically relate to fantasy or make believe and noone likes a bullshitter.

This is the harsh reality.

I have started thinking a lot about my life now that I am hitting close to my mid thirties. I wonder what exactly am I suppose to be doing while I am here? I sure feel lucky to be here, living life, but I surely don't want to waste the time I have or have regrets when it's my time to go. Focusing on bettering myself in the weight category is a great start that will build confidence and make me a bit happier for sure, but it may not change how I react and feel to everything and everyone that surrounds me. Sure, I do think sometimes that losing all the weight will help make me more lovable, kind and overall a more positive person...but what if after I lose all the weight I end up gaining it all back again? It is very possible for this to happen, (we have witnessed this already) especially if I am still in the wrong mindset, living a life day to day filled with worry and stress. Even worse, I could lose all the weight, and still feel like a negative ninny and somewhat empty on the inside.

In addition to "Glowing" the small stuff, I have a bad habit of taking what people say to me, twisting it to something negative and making myself believe it is what they actually said. Because I "just know" that is what they are really trying to say, they just don't have the guts to say it to me. Aren't I smart? Dr. Mike used to tell me "I didn't realize that you were so important" - sarcastically of course to drive the point home that people are too busy to manipulate situations the way I think they are trying to. Even when other people tell me I doing this, I make the excuse that it's not really what they are trying to say and somehow turn it into something awful relating to me. I seem to be my own worse enemy the majority of the time. Maybe it is because I have a hard time trusting, maybe it is low self esteem and maybe, just maybe, I am just expecting people to disappoint me. How sad and negative is that? Dr. Mike also used to tell me that what it sounds like to him is that I am constantly putting people to the test. Testing for what exactly I am not sure. To prove myself right maybe? I ask myself, right about what?

Regardless of why or what I do, the thing is, it is just time wasted. Time that I could spend doing things that could enrich my life. Spending time with the elderly, volunteering at a homeless shelter, finally becoming a big sister - these are things that I think about all the time but I never make the time to actually do. I would love to help build homes in a third world country one day. The energy it takes to dilute what people say or do is emotionally exhausting and only causing harm as opposed to helping me live the best life possible, regardless of my size. Oprah would not be impressed, and I would never want to disappoint Oprah. I don't know if you know how I feel about Oprah, but my love and respect for her is one all it's own.

Back to the original point of this posting: I am currently reading the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson, PH.D. This book was originally published in 1997. I had heard about this book as well as the saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" or when people say "Don't sweat it", but have never really sat down to think about what it actually really means or even give it a chance. Just words that don't matter. In my mind, the way I looked at things was fine and anyone who read that book was lame. Lame book, Lame people reading Lame book. (see? negative ninny!) I already knew all the answers and didn't need a book to tell me to relax or find inner peace. Inner peace was ultra super lame. To be honest, it was never something that interested me because I knew better. Actually, now that I am almost done reading the 100 Chapters, I find that I knew Bitter. Now I know that my previous thoughts on Inner Peace were ignorant and I am the one who was ultra super lame to think that way. This book was made for someone like me. In about 90% of the 100 entries of how not to sweat the small stuff and start living your life, I was the textbook (or paperback) case in point.

If you haven't read the book, my recommendation is that you start. Most points (aka chapters) are given and it starts with if you do this, and this, then you should try this to find inner peace and happiness. Sometimes it tells you straight out - do this and you will find your own inner peace and happiness. So in 90% of those analogies, I was the personality that the book is trying to find peace and happiness for. For example:

#66 Think of What you Have Instead of What You Want
I am someone who is always thinking about what I want. I know all of us have goals and desires. If we didn't think about what we want to accomplish or have, would we even get out of bed in the morning? There are many days that I wish I had more money, a huge house, a family, children or a career in writing. There are times I think that I should be further along than I am in life and that what I have just isn't good enough. We live in a society that is very materialistic in nature, so I am sure that has something to do with it. There are rare times that I consider how lucky I am to have vision, to be able to listen to music (like Mariah) and have conversations. I am also lucky that I have a roof over my head, that I can breathe, that I can feel compassion, I can fall in love, that I have emotions, that I am a woman, that I am employed, that I have fabulous friends, that I have the ability to travel, that I live in a free country with a health care system and honestly, I could go on and on and on. When I start to think about the good, there is a lot of it. It is very rare for me to think about what I "have" everyday and it is usually when something sad and tragic happens I take the time to realize how fortunate I truly am. Why wait for something awful to happen to appreciate all that I have? It is actually quite eye opening listing or thinking about all of the things I do have as opposed to thinking about the things I don't have. Maybe I should set time every week to write down what I am thankful for. Maybe, I could end my blog entry everytime with something that I feel fortunate about. A little daily reminder of how lucky I am. Done. See? What a difference a chapter can make.

That is just one down, 99 more to go. There are 100 chapters in this book, small chapters full of possibilities and opportunities. Simple ways to enrich my life and the lives of people who surround me.

"Stop Blaming Others" is another chapter in this book. I find myself blaming many for such a difficult life. Not on a daily basis but in the back of my mind, I know the blame is there, taking up a lot of space. I blame my birth mother for giving me away. I blame my birth father for telling his mother that I died at birth. I blame my paternal grandmother for not trying harder to keep me. I blame my adoptive brother for beating me and hating me my entire childhood. I blame my adoptive parents for physical and emotional abuse I endured for years. I blame my adoptive parents for kicking me out over and over and over again from the time I was 13 until I was on my own at 18 not giving me a real chance at what I consider a "normal" life. I blame my adoptive parents for not loving me the way I needed to be loved. I blame them for me not being a well balanced, normal and consistently positive person in society who trusts people automatically. I blame all of them for not taking responsibility for an innocent child who didn't ask to be here. I also blame myself for not having a close relationship with either my birth family or adoptive family - when I look at it, I am the common denominator, correct? I blame myself for not owning property, not making a six figure income and for not having all that I consider what it takes to be a success. That is a lot of blame. That is also a lot of negativity built up and taking up a lot of space and energy just lingering in my mind and heart. How is that not bound to come out in various situations, lately, daily ones? "Stop Blaming Others" goes hand in hand with "Thinking of what you have, instead of what you want" for me.

Dr. Carlson states "Many of us operate with the assumption, “when in doubt, it must be someone else’s fault.” I for sure operate this way. I am in doubt as to why it all happened, so I blame everyone because at that age, I feel I didn't have a say in the choices that were made for me. Dr. Carlson follows it up with "You can see this assumption in action almost everywhere you look – something is missing, so someone else must have moved it; the car isn’t working right, so the mechanic must have repaired it incorrectly; your expenses exceed your income, so your spouse must be spending too much money; the house is a mess, so you must be the only person doing your part; a project is late, so your colleagues at work must not have done their share – and on and on it goes. This type of blame thinking has become extremely common in our culture. On a personal level, it has led us to believe that we are never completely responsible for our own actions, problems or happiness. When we are in the habit of blaming others, we will blame others for our anger, frustration, depression, stress and unhappiness. In terms of personal happiness, you cannot be peaceful while at the same time blaming others. Surely there are times when other people and/or circumstances contribute to our problems, but it is we who must rise to the occasion and take responsibility for our own happiness. Circumstances don’t make a person, they reveal him or her. As an experiment, notice what happens when you stop blaming others for anything and everything in your life. This doesn’t mean you don’t hold people accountable for their actions, but that you hold yourself accountable for your own."

Well Dr. Carlson, the blame stops here. Your words are like magic and make it crystal clear to me. I am blaming people who had certain responsibilities and choices who I realize now were incapable of managing or handling them. They didn't know any better (ignorance) and clearly couldn't do any better so I actually feel sorry for them in a way. I know that these circumstances (though unfortunate) do not define me, they only helped reveal that I am an extremely strong woman who can handle any situation that comes her way. I feel nothing but pride for my accomplishments so far and will just continue with the same drive to reach new goals that will lead to happiness and fulfillment throughout the rest of my life. When I am angry, frustrated, feeling a bit depressed, when I am stressed or feel unhappy - it always goes back to the painful time in my life, blaming that time for my current behaviour or why I am in a certain situation. Like a disease. A bad excuse. It was something that a. was long long ago and b. something I had no control over so why let it dictate or try to define who I am and how I act towards others? It is the past. Although I do hold them all accountable for their roles, but there is noone left to blame. The blame is gone. If it ever comes to mind again, I just need to remember I am the one in charge of my own happiness today and going forward, nobody else. How can I look forward to the future and do all of the things that I hope to do if I am constantly looking to the past trying to accept and understand the why's and what if's of it all? I deserve happiness and inner peace and this book is helping me realize that it is a. entirely possible and b. that I am the one who is responsible for obtaining it - noone else. I am a woman who can handle this kind of responsibility and now that I know better, I can do better - not bitter. Luckily this book is giving me the mind tools to find it in small and subtle ways. Like I mentioned earlier, this book is gooooood. The book wont do the work for me, but it seems to be helping me think in a more positive light already.

Right now, I feel a little like a bull. A bull in a china shop as my mother used to say. If you have never heard it before it may sound silly. If you aren't sure what it means, it is really quite simple, as in it means exactly what it says. Just picture an actual bull with horns and everything walking around a china shop. We all know he wouldn't be walking, he would be stressed and jumping all over the place. I am sure you will agree, the result of this vision will have a not so positive ending. Bulls are big, with horns, sometimes they are angry and seem out of control especially in stressful situations (like being in a china shop for instance). People run away from them when they see one coming. Maybe if I look at myself as a bull and the people who surround me as the china shop, it can help me visualize how others view me when I start to stress out about stuff in various situations that really don't warrant stress.

Dr. Carlson asks to ask yourself when feeling the stress of a situation: "Will this matter a year from now?" If you have ever visited a china shop, it is quiet, peaceful place to plan and choose your dinnerware. The dinnerware that represents you and your spouse and your future family. I just think of the William Ashley store on Bloor Street. Walls and walls of beautiful dinnerware with various patterns as well as stunning crystal and to die for flatware. I want to be a sheep in a china shop. Mmmm. Maybe a sheep wouldn't work either. One day, I want to be a strong Fit and Fabulous baby bull that walks into William Ashley (holla!) that others admire for the ability to not sweat the small stuff. They will admire that I am living a life of grace and humility who wont scare, push or break the "china" around because she doesn't want to be the big mean bull people expect. (metaphors people).

Editor's Note: After a little more research online, unfortunately I found out that Dr. Richard Carlson died on December 13, 2006 on his way to NYC at the age of 45 years old promoting his book. He died from a pulmonary embolism (which I learned is a blockage of the main artery of the lung or one of its branches by a substance that has travelled from elsewhere in the body through the bloodstream). It was unexpected and sudden. Sounds familiar. He passed away living his life not sweating the small stuff, love stuff or the work stuff. Thank you for creating such a thought provoking and life changing piece of literature.

RIP Dr. Carlson

Gratitude

Today I am thinking of my healthier choices and feel fortunate to have Dried Mango, fresh banana and a granny smith apple and to be able to drink fresh and clean water any time I want.

Blog Soon,

PFF

p.s. Again, this is my journey and I appreciate you joining me on this road to self discovery.

Parking, Schmarking.

2010-03-03T11:22:00.008-05:00

Before I get to the Phat to Fit to Fabulous part, I need to vent. Feel free to skip this part because it is some serious Parking venting. For anyone who has to park in the City of Toronto...this is for all of us. Seriously. $690 in parking tickets. These are the tickets that I have received in the past year, that I haven't paid (Okay I paid one but that clearly is not included in this total) but will be forced to pay when my birthday rolls around on July 1, 2010 if I want to renew my sticker.

"Omigod, how does she have so many tickets?" you may be asking yourself...well I will give you an example. This morning, I pulled out front of Starbucks to grab a Tall Non Fat No Foam Latte and a low fat Cranberry Muffin - since I am working towards a Phat to Fit to Fabulous goal of course...and I came back out to a $60 ticket that my sweet sweet man was holding. He broke the news to me. He was pissed, which I love. The filthy vulture, as I like to call any parking "officer" (will never understand how they deserve even a title like that) swooped down and dropped it on my car within the 3 minutes. I was parked with my hazards on. Sure, maybe I was wrong and shouldn't have parked there - but it just seemed easier to run in and out. Especially with all that is going on and the new $60 Personal Vehicle Tax they have added to Torontonians when renewing a sticker (because after all it is a privilege to drive on pot hole filled roads, where filthy vultures constantly swoop and where we have to battle with insane cyclists, annoying pedestrians and the ever so brutal TTC on a daily basis) I figured I should be able to get away with a few parking spots where I don't get a ticket within 2 seconds. Ooooohhhhhh what a privilege. I think everyone who drives in Toronto should pay this tax, not just the ones who have a postal code starting with "M". It literally makes me sick sometimes that I have a car in this city. I guess that since I purchased my car in August, I realized that with insurance, parking permits, parking tickets, parking literally anywhere in the city it averages out to be about $800 - $900 per month, that is almost the amount of my rent and hydro. I have never had to make car payments before, luckily, I was given the two first cars that I owned - so no payments, just insurance and parking and at this point and time, I realize still how lucky I was.

I have a parking permit in my neighbourhood which allows me to park on the street, where others will normally get a ticket but I will not - lucky me. The price is reasonable, $75 or so for 6 months which I always renew since there is no parking in my building. Even with this permit on my car, the filthy vultures still swoop down and give me a ticket, even when my permit is clearly on my window. How they miss it, I will never know. I actually think that they still see it, but choose to ignore it and create a ticket anyway - I have cancelled more than one of those in my time. I wonder if the Parking "Officers" know that everyone hates them. Everyone meaning me. I am currently reading "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" clearly the message hasn't set in yet. A few weeks ago, I had an important "meeting" to get to. The night before I had parked on my street, where the permit sign was valid. There was no parking from 7am - 9am apparently because when I went out at 8am, my car was gone. Nowhere to be found. I went back inside, crying my eyes out. Thankfully my man was there and drove me to work. My car had been towed, even though I had followed the signage and checked 3 times before leaving my car where it was. When I found where my car had ended up, I was so sad, I just kept crying. First, I felt that my car had been violated. Second, when I called the tow place, they informed me that the price goes up every hour until you pick up your car. Highway Robbery anyone? So no choice but to go pick it up as opposed to "studying" for my "meeting". So after a rushed tear filled cab ride to beat the next increase and going into the sad "naughty car" full lot by the Docks to get my car, we were reunited and it felt so good - until I saw the two tickets on my windshield. Instead of going right back to work, I stopped off to set a court date for those pesty and ridiculous tickets and cried one last time. Last week I went out to move my car and a I had just received the ticket - from the future. So cool huh? It was 2:28 when I got to my car, the ticket on my car said 2:29 and there was no vulture to be found. I looked up to see if he was sitting in the tree to watch my reaction when seeing the ticket so he could cackle, but no such luck. No sign of him. I got in my car and drove around the corner and came across him giving another ticket. It is the same signature on most tickets I receive. M. Khan. M. Fricken Khan. Remember that name folks. M. Khan. He is the worst of the worst. I asked how is it possible that he walked from where my car was to where he was giving tickets on another street within a minute as it wasn't even 2:29 - and explained to him that the time was wrong on the ticket. Either his machine was incorrect or maybe Vultures cannot tell time. I asked him if he could cancel the ticket and he said no. I explained as calmly as I could that it was impossible for the ticket to be valid, because I was in my car at the time he said I was parked. Needless to say, I am going to court to fight that one as well. On a side note, the other day, a bunch of cars got tickets and I didn't, from the same parking guy M. Khan. I am still trying to figure out how that happened. At the end of the day, I need to get the proper temporary permit every week so I can avoid this hassle and stress when my birthday rolls around each year.

All in all, parking in this city is frustrating so I am considering giving up my car. Other than the $690, I am awaiting 10 trial dates to be set now to fight for me and my car's honour and to hopefully get those tickets reduced or dismissed - that would be ideal..

The problem is, I love the convenience of going to and from wherever I want, when I want - but they have Zipcar and Autoshare for that. I also live and work right by the TTC - but I don't like the fact that it takes 30 minutes to get to work when I can get there in 10 (unless I get towed). I can listen to Mariah, feel the wind in my hair and have some alone time. I don't like the smell, the time, the people that are crushing you on the streetcar, especially during rush hour. I do negotiate sometimes with myself to either a. pay $6 to take TTC there and back or b. pay $5 to park. I would be saving $1 which is still saving, so why not just drive? One day I chose the streetcar to meet someone. I waited for what seemed like an eternity (20 minutes at least) before it arrived. I do like the TTC for snow storms though, last week I used it to meet a friend for dinner but got a ride back home to my place in a warm and cozy car. Before I purchased my car there were many options I considered and felt that going through with it was the right one for me. I am clearly starting to regret my decision. Clearly, this is on the forefront of my mind today so please forgive my rant. Who knows, maybe you dislike Filthy Vultures as much as I do and can feel good that I am trying to fight the power, uh, the vulture.

Editor's Note: actually there was one nice parking officer who was in the midst of giving me a ticket two years ago and I asked him to please not give me a ticket and he said "ok" and walked away from giving me one. He was really cute too. So I do look at the positive side as well...see?

Thank you for listening to me rant....on to Phat to Fit......

So - I worked last night. I had about 8 peanut butter m&m's. I tried to resist the temptation, but out of boredom and hunger I ate 8 of them. Not a whole bag, only 8. I ate a lean cuisine when I came home as it was too late to actually try to cook something. I ate an apple yesterday as well as dried mangos - which I love. I didn't exercise yesterday, that is the plan for tonight. All in all, day 2 went over very well. I need to integrate more vegetables in my diet.

My body is still sore from Jillian on Monday, so she wasn't kidding and that was only level 1. Yikes. I think I am going to a movie later tonight so Jillian it may very well be as oppose to the 13km walk. I can do the walk tomorrow night since I have the evening off and can't wait to do it again oh and the fact that I will need almost 2 hours to get it done since I am seemingly starting over again. The weather is starting to feel fantastic now so it will be much easier, that is for sure.

I had a chicken shwarma wrap for lunch today. Old habits die hard. At least it wasn't two. Technically, it is a whole wheat wrap, chicken, lettuce and tomato with a little sesame sauce and hot sauce. It tastes as close to heaven as chicken could. I also had some dried mangos and have a banana on my desk. Again, I need some serious greens.

Exercise with Jillian tonight. Walk 13km tomorrow. If I get through tonight without chocolate, junk, stuffing my face, I think I will be in good shape to get through tomorrow and then Friday. I feel better already not being in a feeding food frenzy or whatever it is called that I have been doing for the past few months - gorging myself? or literally binging (and no, not purging). That is what it is called. Binging not because I am hungry, but because I want the satisfaction of something, anything at that moment. All I know is that the aftermath is not that satisfying at all. I am looking forward to feeling and looking good again and have every intention of keeping this up.

I love writing, sharing my thoughts with you and getting most of it out there. Wherever you are. The next blog I would like to talk about not Sweating the Small Stuff...feel free to email me hints on how you "don't sweat" it. As women, we don't sweat, we glow - unless we are doing the 30 day shred - but when it comes to everyday life, I want to learn to glow because I sure do sweat and it is stank nasty - maybe that is what the vultures are drawn to?

Blog soon,
PFF

Bitch.

2010-03-02T10:30:00.003-05:00

Finally. A woman of my word. Yesterday I said that I will come back tomorrow and let you know how the first day of the 30 day shred with Jillian Michaels was, and here I am. Oh ya, I did it.

Yes. I did the full 20 minutes. With warm up and down I believe it is more like 27 minutes, but really, I am not bitter about it or counting really at all.

The outcome? I am in a little bit of pain. I didn't use the weights, otherwise, I am sure I would be in a lot more pain. My arms, my legs, even my back a little bit hurt. I enjoy the part when she talks about dying. I love the punching and I love the squats - those are my favourite parts if I had to choose a favourite part. Everyone in the video have abs of steel so I am a far cry from that...I think 30 Day Shred plus walking again will definitely help me get back on track. All in all, Jillian is a little bit of a Bitch, but I like it. She is tough and I was only on Level 1. I will do this level the rest of the week and then attempt level 2 next week.

For the rest of the day yesterday, I ate a lean cuisine for dinner and I ate an apple and dried mango in the afternoon. I had a fat free chocolate pudding as a 7pm snack and that was it for the day - other than lots of water.

Day 1? Not to shabby and I got through it and did what I said I would. That feels great. Today, Day 2, I had some dried mango, I had a fat free cranberry muffin from Starbucks with a tall non fat no foam latte. I am about to eat an apple. I should be able to get through today - but no guarantees. The only guarantee is that I am trying and will do my best - which is a lot better than what I have done over the past few months gaining everything back.

I have no idea what I will have for lunch and I am working the game tonight so I will want chocolate or chips but I will drink water. I just have to figure out what I will grab for dinner so I can eat at a reasonable time.

Anyway, sorry this is so short and low fat, but tonight I doubt I will exercise - I was thinking of doing the walk after work but I may be too tired and my ipod isn't charged at all. Tomorrow after work I will either a. go to the gym b. go for a walk or c. do Jillian again....I guess we will know tomorrow when I blog again.

I am going to try to keep this up to date.

Blog soon,

PFF

Love.

2010-03-01T15:14:00.007-05:00

Love is probably the most talked about emotion there is. To me, Love is also the most screwed up emotion there is.

Ever since I was a little girl, I remember the first Love story I learned, Cinderella. Cinderella was a kind and lovely girl was also living a somewhat tortured life acting as a maid / slave to her late Father's widow. There was news in town of a ball where a handsome and eligible Prince was searching for the love of his life. All of the single women in the town were invited. Her wicked Stepmother said she could go only if all of her chores were done on time. She gave her a list that was endless to ensure she wouldn't be able to go, but somehow she whisked through them all with time to spare. Elated, but with nothing to wear, Cinderella and her mice (remember Gus? Good old Gus) and bird friends help make a beautiful dress with bits and pieces of her Evil Stepsisters dresses with satin, beads etc. that had been left for garbage. Cinderella looked beautiful as she came down the stairs only to watch in horror as her Evil Stepsisters rip the dress off of her body taking back those pieces that "belonged" to them. Heartbroken, Cinderella is left sobbing on the floor unable to go. All of a sudden, her Fairy Godmother shows up and gets her ready for the ball with an even more fabulous dress, incredible shoes and even a horse drawn carriage. She warns Cinderella that the spell ends at midnight so she must get back before then. Cinderella arrives at the ball, unrecognizable to anyone and shares an intense and memorable dance with Prince Charming. Everyone watching is in awe of this mystery glamour puss who seems to steal the Prince's heart away immediately. Caught off guard, she realizes the time and runs out at the stroke of midnight only to leave her fabulous glass slipper on the steps for her Prince Charming to find as he chases after her. She goes back to her life, the reality of it all. The next day, searching high and low home to home, he has every single woman try on the glass slipper including Cinderella's evil Stepsisters and eventually Prince Charming is reunited with the woman he fell madly in love with from just one dance. If only I had that effect on a man. Her Stepmother and Stepsisters were shocked but satisfaction was mine! I mean uh, hers. They lived happily ever after as the story was told.

I had the Disney book version that I would refer to almost daily as a little girl and in all of the moving around through the years I somehow lost my old worn and tattered copy. Thankfully with the magic of EBay, I was able to find the exact same copy and ordered it and received it within a week. I was elated, now, at 33 years old to receive my favourite book as a child, here to read whenever I felt the urge. It is not like I would be reading it now each and every night. Although I still think her dress and shoes are fabulous and could look at those pages forever. The little girl inside of me still longs for a Prince to come and sweep me off of my feet, despite circumstance, or have a Fairy Godmother come and grant all of my own wishes, to help me escape the world I currently live in. Unfortunately, the truth is, the story ended with Happily Every After, but I didn't realize then it didn't tell me the truth about Love. Happily Ever After is a very long time, and sounds very promising to a 6 year old, even now as a 33 year old, but my judgement, personal relationship experience and divorce rate allow me to accept that it doesn't really work out that way.

Another "Cinderella" story that I love is the movie Pretty Woman, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. One of my all time favourites. If Pretty Woman is on tv, I am mesmerized still, and I wont turn it off despite what is happening around me. I know each and every line by heart and I have probably watched it more than any other movie, ever. I think the first time I saw that movie is when I developed my love for luxury hotels which I would later form my career around. Now that is an impact. The idea that a woman down on her luck in life in Beverly Hills would give directions to a very handsome and rich man in a Lotus who would sweep her away to the Beverly Wilshire (I had the honour of staying in this hotel for 5 nights in February 2008 which was a dream come true) penthouse and hire her to be his escort for a week. Of course not the most ideal, but somehow I was moved. Vivian and Edward fell in love in those few days they spent together, despite some fear and a few misunderstandings of course, and just like Cinderella and Prince Charming, they lived happily ever after.

Maybe I am warped in my way of thinking. Feminists would be disgusted if they read this I am sure. Imagine, a woman wanting to be "rescued" by a man. I have done a lot of my own thus far without a man and I am considered to be pretty independent. I can admit, I want to be rescued and taken care of, I do. I think it would be amazing to be sitting at my desk and to have a millionaire walk in and say, "Fiona, I read your blog and I think you are an incredible writer. I like your truth, your honesty and I think you are beautiful inside and out even if you gained back the 20lbs you lost (he wouldn't say this because he would be perfect) - let me take you to New York City where we can live in a Penthouse on Park Avenue next to Mariah Carey and dine and the most fabulous restaurants this city has to offer and have four children that will go to Private School and have their own chauffeur because we are that rich. You will donate time to various charities in the city. You can shop at Saks on Fifth anytime you want and have your personal shopper do it for you if you prefer. I would also like to take you to Paris for a few months each year where you will eat at the finest restaurants and not gain a pound. Essentially, you will be able to live a life of leisure going forward. You can invite your friends to come stay anytime since we have 15 bedrooms in our Penthouse. You will be loved, romanced and have everything you have ever wanted if you choose to come with me, what is your answer?"

What do you think my decision would be at this moment in time? If you said "is she crazy? of course she would say yes!" you are wrong. Shocking, I know. Right now, at this moment, I would say no. This is what I mean when I said Love is also the most screwed up emotion there is.

"Why?" you ask? oh, because I am in love with an incredible man. I said it. I haven't even told him to his face yet. I have written it a couple of times to him, and he knows it, but I refuse to actually say it to him first. In Love. Deeply. Can't get enough of him. Passionately. Can't wait for him to get out of the shower so I can see him again in love with him. Don't get me wrong, there are stressful "I want to set you on fire" moments, but at the end of the day I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Although I am a little pissed, in those Fairytales they don't really tell you about the wet towels on the floor, the cupboards being left open, the worn socks left on the couch (are they planning on walking to the laundry basket themselves?). The torn open cereal boxes, the swampy bathroom after a shower or the sports channels being on with the same sports highlights and scores morning noon and night. Leaving things on, leaving them open and making a mess after everything has been cleaned and spotless. I wonder if Cinderella had to ask Prince Charming to take out the garbage, or use these famous words: "I want you to want to help me. I want you to want to make the bed, wash the dishes or clean the bathroom. I want you to want to make my life easier." Do you think Prince Charming anticipated Cinderella's needs by preparing dinner by candlelight or cleaning the castle top to bottom? His name was "Charming" so I can only assume he had to. One can only hope.

Any woman reading this I am sure has experienced one or all of these things at one point or another, but these things were definitely not written about. I was curious just now about who actually wrote Cinderella, the version I love so much. We all know the movie, and the book, but I just found this on Wiki Answers:

"The Disney version of Cinderella is based on the version by Charles Perrault. The Disney writers had to alter the story to make a full length movie. The writers credited with writing the screenplay are Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Ted Sears, Winston Hibler, Homer Brightman, Harry Reeves, Ken Anderson, and Joe Rinaldi."

Mmmmmmm....all men. Eight men wrote the screenplay for the Disney movie version (in which my Disney Book is based on). Interesting. I assure you if eight women wrote the story back then or even in 2010, it would be a lot different. The most significant difference is that there would never be a fabulous glass slipper left behind on steps of a ball regardless if your ride was about to turn into a pumpkin...hail a cab or something but get that damn slipper! That is just something a woman would never let happen. Especially a designer shoe, like for instance, a fabulous Red slingback peep toe Valentino or a stunning Christian Louboutin? Not a chance. I am sure there are many other changes if it were up to us, but why ruin a classic with the harshness of reality? I guess that is why it's called a Fairytale.

Back to being in Love. I have never really been in this position before. I thought I was, but wasn't. As I chat with my various girlfriends about relationships, the story is the same and I had no idea about this when I was completely single. I thought it was just me and that I was in an awful relationship that I had to get out of immediately. In my mind, I used to imagine love as what Cinderella and Vivian had taught me. My rich Prince would come along, who would sweep me off of my feet. Oh the things we would do together! A man who will do everything he can to make me happy, including cleaning the washroom, doing dishes, preparing a hot bath after a long day (which mine has actually done for me surprisingly), who would do romantic grand gestures every few days and tell me how lucky he is every single day that he has me. Leaving romantic notes with poems on my pillow, waking up early to breakfast in bed, planning romantic getaways every month, being whisked away to Paris for a weekend....Oh, and tell me that I am beautiful even when I look like ass. Every single chick flick doesn't help the cause either. I am a SUCKER. But not anymore, not now that reality has set in.

Chris Rock said it best in his stand up "Never Scared":

"If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfuc*er, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfuc*er was a episode of CSI "Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass."

I sooooooo feel and get this, and I am sure you do too. I know my girlfriends get this. If you don't, perhaps you will at one point. Perhaps not. You may be kidding yourself or I may be completely off and messed up and in a really bad situation but I never realized how irritating, lazy and stupid men can be. Yes, a bit harsh, but let's be honest ladies! In no way am I a man-hater, I love men, always have, always will and couldn't live without them in this world - but boy oh boy do they test the nervous system. I have to say they are not very bright at times. The comforting thing is, it isn't just me, or my man - they seem to all have ideas that just don't make any sense to us as women, but it sure somehow in their twisted mind makes sense to them. Men: Women are all crazy, I get that too. I think about these women who aren't lucky enough to have fabulous girlfriends and how sad and lonely that must feel. The woman that don't have girlfriends to bounce their experiences and stories with are the ones who end up killing their husbands / boyfriends or cutting off their husband's / boyfriend's favourite appendage and throwing it in a field while driving or throwing boiling water on it while they are sleeping. I would never do these things, but I do understand how it could get to that point. Without my girlfriends, I could very well be in prison right now for reacting to something stupid that has either a. been said or b. been done by a man.

For the times that I just don't get what he is saying or doing, or can't find the sense in it - I think about a couple of stories that I have heard recently. One, I heard about a woman who went into early labour, in the rush she hadn't had a chance to pack her back for the hospital. After their baby was born she asked her husband to go home and pick up clothes and underwear for her for the duration of her stay. The husband happily went home and packed the bag. Upon his return, she goes into the bag and realizes he had packed thong underwear for her. Mmmmm. This somehow made sense to him when he was packing. He looked at the thong underwear out of allllll the underwear in her drawer and thought, this is good for my wife who just gave birth to our child. A thong. Any woman who is reading this who has given birth (because I haven't but I can still see something wrong with this) you tell me what you think. Would you want to wear a thong after giving birth? And more importantly, if any man is reading this, would that be your choice? If you could enlighten us all, please, why and how does this make sense? In all honesty, I am curious. The second, is about the guy who recently on Virgin Radio 99.9 FM entered a "Bachelor" contest and made it all the way to the final two, only to have his wife call in and ask him about it on the air. His response? He felt that it was an "interesting thing to do". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbou-yreWB0 Take a listen and judge for yourself. To me? To my girlfriends? This does not in any way make sense, but at the same time it does because look who is doing it. Again, if a guy is reading this, enlighten us all, please, speak up!

No matter what girlfriend I chat with, they all have a similar story to the one above (luckily not the radio one) that includes bits of laziness, stupidness and downright ridiculousness. With things like this happening, how are we not suppose to react, have an opinion or get upset, agitated or angry? We are suppose to understand but all we can do is shake our heads. I am slowly learning which battles to fight and which ones to leave alone because some are just common among them that will never really change. Wet towels on the bed or dirty socks sitting on the floor beside the laundry basket....two inches away from the basket as opposed to going IN to the basket. It is like it is ingrained and I never really believed that men were that different from women until now. I thought I would be the woman who is calm and cool once I found someone to spend my time with. Certainly not the case. I am with the most calm and patient man you can imagine and I drive him to the point where murder probably seems like a viable option for him, I am certain of it.

All kidding aside, although Love is not really turning out to be the Fairytale I hoped or expected it would be and it comes with a lot of expectations such as understanding and compromise - Love has many ups as well - otherwise we wouldn't put ourselves through it. Passion is wonderful, I like that aspect for sure. At the end of the day, all we can do is Love because despite all the annoyance, frustration and irritation they cause, when we go to bed each night, they are there, with their arms wrapped around us, our head on their shoulder, comforting us and making us feel loved and cared for as we drift off to sleep...then about half an hour later left only to push each other away in irritation so we can get some real sleep.

Blog Soon,
PFF

Editor's Note:
Ya, I know. I suck. I have been trying for a month to write everything I eat and haven't succeeded. I have promised myself every Monday that I am going to start over again, but every week I fail. I know I can do it because I have done it before but yet I am not sticking to it. If I had started January 1st as planned I would be so much further along. Then it makes me want to eat more and more and not exercise. Now I have a severe deadline. Less than 60 days. Today, Monday, I have started again. A few of my friends have started Jillian Michaels, 30 day shred. I have bought it, it is still in plastic. I will do it tonight I have promised myself. I think I am too Phat for it though. I will try it because she actually says "I want you to feel like you are going to die". This is not something that I want to hear necessarily, and I am scared because of the pain she has caused my fabulous friends. That being said, with 3 of my friends doing it religiously preparing for our trip to Miami at the end of April - I have to get my ass moving. I want to feel pretty in Miami, and in general but we all know this already. There is a dress that I have that will look fabulous if lose a bit. I can wear it in Miami if all goes well. So far today I have had a Grande Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte and a strawberry blueberry parfait - 4 grams of fat. I will most likely eat a lean cuisine for dinner and will stay away from bread until we go away. No pasta, no bread, no chips, no chocolate and I will stick to it. Bread is the devil. I will start walking my 13km walk again because it is pretty mild outside and I can handle it and will start to feel better and start conditioning my body to get rid of this packed phat. Yesterday, I was in my apartment and felt the pigeons staring at me so I know its time. I woke up to find them watching as I slept, hoping and waiting for me to take my last breath only to naw on my neck and back phat. They looked so disappointed when I woke up, but too bad Pigeons I am not your meal ticket!

I don't expect you all to believe me with my previous promises and no delivery, but tomorrow, I will let you know how Jillian was to me and the rest of what I ate today. Can we say terrified of this woman? Terrified. If it wasn't hard it wouldn't be worth it I guess.

Blog tomorrow.
PFF

Phat to Fitter to Phatter but STILL Fabulous.

2010-01-27T13:17:00.003-05:00

Well. I have have successfully fucked up.

I have successfully undone everything that I worked so hard to do.

I have successfully gone back on every word, every tear and every moment of frustration.

All for nothing. What a waste. I am so sorry for wasting your time and your faith in me that I could do this successfully.

I was Fat, turned it into Phat, became fitter and lost 19lbs and have now gained it alll back again - plus some. It feels like more. I feel disgusting and it makes me want to eat even more. How does that even make sense? A lot of you I am sure are disappointed, or disgusted or can't possibly understand how I could let this happen, again. It is even more difficult to understand because I even said I always self sabotage when I reach a certain point.

I could tell you all of the reasons I have come up with, all of the excuses:

- Recently severing ties with the sister I found in 2002 due to conflicts with our very different personalities

- Loss of Dr. Mike and still no replacement

- Christmas, Thanksgiving

- Winter

- Hibernation

- Continually telling myself that I will start again, everyday and still continue to make bad food choices

- Emotionally stressed in personal relationships (this could be a result of gaining)

- Feeling sadness at what and where I am going and suppose to do with my life?

All I seem to do is live in the past. I want to move on from the past. I have no idea what I am suppose to do and I am tired of complaining to you about it. I am tired of telling you how sad I feel and how fat I feel and how disgusting I feel. I am a broken record. I am a skipping cd. I am a repeating mp3.

I was feeling great and positive. I joined the Gym in November and have had every intention to go and feel better. When I met with the personal trainer at Goodlife Manulife, he told me that me walking was not good and there really no point in walking 13km every two days. That pissed me off and I didn't understand how he could say that to me when I myself saw incredible results. Maybe I focus too much on what people say and take it too personally. Whatever my reason is to allowing myself to get back like this and essentially give up on my "Phat to Fit to Fabulous" project, the fact is it is something that I can admit that I failed at, miserably.

No, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am still strong and still Fabulous. Just too heavy. I feel uncomfortable. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I can admit - I have an addiction to food. I believe I have mentioned this before. I love restaurants, I love brunch, Dinner, lunch. Any excuse to have a social outing with wine and a fabulous friend - or friends in a restaurant- it is my favourite thing to do. Sure there are healthy choices on the menu but do I want those? NOPE! I want the good, rich, delicious foods that are like lyrics on a piece of paper. Each line a sonnet, seducing me like the good old Chocolate Chunk cookie at Starbucks.

"Gilthead bream with native lobster risotto, lemongrass and Thai basil"

"Maine lobster with white radish honey vinaigrette, granny smith apple "

for a BLT, "Bacon and onion cream, chilled lettuce velouté, tomato gelée "

It all sounds so delectable, doesn't it? So appetizing, so beautiful. Creates magical experiences in my mind of how good each bite will taste. I am transcended into the modern and intimate space, the tablecloths, the candles, the wine, the way the wine glasses gleam in the mood lighting of the professionally decorated restaurant. I am there, wanting to experience and savour each and every one of my senses.

I also found this one:

"Oven roasted pigeon from Bresse with grilled polenta, smoked ventrèche,

braised shallots, baby beetroot and date sauce "

All of the menu items I have listed are courtesy of Gordon Ramsey. Although I would never eat pigeon, I thought it was kind of funny that I found this as a menu item at one of his restaurant menus with my clear obessions with pigeons, pigeon love etc.

I will be honest with you, everyday, I look at women and wish I was them. Strangers, Friends, TV, Music Videos. Their body, their legs, their arms, how they look in clothes. I could be wearing the same outfit at some of these women, and I would still feel that they look fabulous and cool and chic and I don't. I feel like a slob. I need to stop comparing and start working through it all - again.

I look at so many people that are successful at this - like Valerie Bertinelli or Marie Osmond, or Jared the Subway guy - who actually may be gaining some of his weight back I have heard lately...I guess anyone with this problem has a struggle I guess it comes down to finding what works best for each individual person. When Oprah gained back her weight, I felt a bit of a relief somehow as crazy as that sounds because I wasn't the only one who was struggling and getting back to previous issues.

I am considering starting on Monday, revealing my weight, yet again - and expect a larger number than before. This time, I plan to record everything I eat in addition to the weight and excercise and tips because obviously telling you the exercise and weight wasn't humiliating enough for me to stop. Once I record what I eat on a daily basis it will help me cut out a lot of bad stuff. I wont feel too great about having McDonalds knowing that I have to admit every bite to you. Editor's Note: I have had McDonalds 3 times possibly 4 times in the past 8 weeks.

I am irritable, frustrated, hungry for something missing, disappointed and still hopeful that I can accomplish and beat this. I need to focus on myself and not on other people's issues. I am the only one who can do this - noone can make me go to the gym or make me choose a carrot or salad when all I really see myself eating right now is pizza. Something is driving me to eat and fill an emotional void inside.

I would rather look FABULOUS and be FIT and perhaps fill that emotional void in some other way - or not at all. Recognize nothing will ever fill what is missing, because it is already gone. How can you replace something that you never had? And if you have never had it, how do you know if that is what will even satisfy you? Really, who cares? I have endless possibilities ahead of me and life just gets a bit easier when you are better looking - so why not?

Top 10 Reasons to Start Again:

10. I have done it before and can do it again

9. I am Fabulous

8. People do this every single day and so can I

7. I have a head start from those who eat 35,000 calories a day who are 700lbs

6. I don't need a crane to get me out of my house yet, So I can go freely to the gym

5. The pigeons who are expecting me to choke on back & neck phat are waiting, anticipating

4. I have a lot of loyal readers *thanks guys* and I want them to be able to read my words again on a daily basis to get me close to a book deal

3. I want to meet Oprah one day (this really has nothing to do with a good reason, I just want it)

2. I want to be healthy and Miami is coming up soon! (last weekend in April)

1. I want to prove everyone including myself wrong!

Maybe I should change the name of my blog, what do you think? New beginning new blog?

Phat to Fit to Fabulous - Let's Try This Again

Phat to Fitter to Fat to Fit Again to Fabulous

Diary of a Fabulous Food Addict

Or do I keep it the same?

Let me know what you think...

Blog Soon,

PFF - Humiliation only 5 days away!!

Blog Update - Open to All Readers...Again

2010-01-08T09:30:00.003-05:00

I have changed the permissions on my blog back to anyone can read, some found it irritating and that is not what I am about.

So enjoy!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Phat Free 2010? Let's Do It!

2010-01-07T08:59:00.005-05:00

Well, well, well. I am back!!

First of all, 215lbs.

I thought I would get that out there in the beginning as I don't plan on sugar-coating anything - although everything seems to taste better with a little sugar-coating. Maybe that is what that actually means, whoever came up with that saying is brilliant and most likely a woman who really liked donuts. I digress. It has been weeks since I have written, I am sure you may have noticed if you are one of those people who actually read my blog regularly.

New Years - new beginnings, new promises. I have gone to the gym twice already this week - so that is positive. It seems everyone had the same idea as I had - the New Years Resolution to get back on track. The gym was packed. I was lucky to run into a couple of people I know which was nice. I was able to lose weight from August to November and lost 19lbs, I can do it from now until May and lose 32. Just in time for a Bachelorette Soiree in Miami. If I am going to roll with hotness, I have to be hotness, not a hot mess.

Although I only have gone twice this week, I am going to go again - most likely on the weekend but I realized the Goodlife at Manulife sucks. So small, all the machines are close together you are practically on top of the person next to you. I decided to try the one at Liberty Village as it is close to work, and I L.O.V.E. it. Me loving a gym happens rarely. I haven't liked a gym this much since the Dunfield Club or any Sports Clubs of Canada locations - when they existed. Now they are all Extreme Fitness - and to be honest, gyms are so lame. (remember the blog about too much bush? No need to go there....) The fact that there is a Starbucks right downstairs and a LCBO, Blockbuster and Metro - it is the perfect one stop shop and excuse to go to the gym. On the treadmills, there is a gorgeous view of the skyline which I love - even though the tv's attached to the equipment are kind of blocking the view...but still I can move my head to the side once in a while to take it in. The people there are young, hip and cool - well some are not so cool...a woman was wearing full make up and jewellery last night. The other night, a girl got on the treadmill beside me and was checking her blackberry and calling people. Thank god my 30 minutes were almost up when she started. I love my Bold, but really? On a treadmill? At the gym? Get over it. I keep mine in the locker at least...

Let's get back to the 15lbs that I worked so hard to lose. So I am still down 4lbs, so basically back at week 2 or 3 from when I began in August. It is upsetting but I only have myself to blame for stuffing my face over the holidays. I think it all started to spin out of control after Turkey Overload at Thanksgiving to be quite honest. It started getting cooler outside, the days seemed shorter and the blankets got warmer. The food tasted better! The food came fast and furiously and I was like a sexy Lioness, ferociously looking for her next snack or meal. I kept telling myself its ok, I will get back on track, but it is amazing how fast eating what you want including pizza and M&M's and chocolates + no exercise turns into weight gain. Funny huh? In a month and a bit I gained almost everything I had lost. You were with me on the journey, so you know I had some bad days and all those KM walked - for nothing!! Grrrrrr...or should it be Roar...as a Lioness would say.

I am ok with it. Lesson learned.

I am dating an Executive Chef (yes, super sexy) and this helps because I use my oven as storage on a regular basis and never really picked up cooking. Last night after the gym I came home and my personal Chef (sounds so luxurious!) prepared my dinner. Marinated pan seared chicken breast - actually the best chicken I have ever tasted, for real - full of flavour and the perfect juiciness...he also sauteed some vegetables - now, he called it something salsa - he diced up red pepper, zucchini, tomato and sauteed them....honestly? so much flavour and all healthy and incredibly delicious! Who knew? Then he made me one pancake because I was craving it - but that's ok - I worked out hard!! Then he made us non fat lattes while I just sat there, it was magnificent.

If I could get him to prepare chicken and vegetables for me every night, it would be wonderful. I am going to work on that. Grilled fish even. He told me he could put together a program for me and I said ok - let's do it. So no more eggs Benedict (I have had a few over the past two months), no more chocolate, no more cookies - not the Starbucks one - I am completely off of that one - I have had 2 in the past 5 months....and I believe they were both shared with a loved one. Now that there are no events (Mariah Carey at ACC Feb 9th) or holidays (well Valentine's Day in NYC - yay me!) I should be good to go. Remain focused and maintain positivity as much as possible and lose this Phat once and for all. I will focus on smaller numbers because large numbers are overwhelming.

32lbs by May. I was hoping for 50lbs by May - but I slacked and will not beat myself up if I only lose 36lbs in total by then. By the time I turn 34 (wowsers where did the time go) I could be at 43lbs and then by August or September, it could very well be 50lbs.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I am back, getting on track and will eventually get where I am suppose to be. How else will I land a book and movie deal?!?!

Blog Soon,

PFF

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

2009-12-18T11:38:00.003-05:00

In just over a week, Christmas will have once again, come and gone. What does this season mean to you? To me, it should be a time of love and happiness. A time to be Merry.

This time of year should be a time for family, friends, drinks, food and the warmth that the holidays bring. Twinkling lights, falling snowflakes, Starbucks hot chocolate, couples in the street, laughing children excited at the thought of Santa stopping by on the most exciting night of the year. Today I think 7 days until Christmas. I think back to when I was a kid, these next 7 days were the slowest of the year. The waiting. The anticipation. The presents. I almost couldn't stand the excitement. The closer Christmas came, the harder it was to fall asleep at night. It was if I had ants in my pants, but I didn't. Hoping I would catch a glimpse of Santa or his reindeer when he stopped by. I really liked Rudolph, he was fabulous. I used to send my letter to Santa a few days before Christmas through the fireplace chimney. All of my wishes and dreams on a list into the sky, for one man to grant. If only I knew then what I know now...

Sure, I am a very emotional and sensitive person most of the time and things touch me deeply. However, at Christmas-time I don't know why everytime I hear the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" I cry, but I have a feeling I may know where it stemmed. A long time ago, when I was living with the most pretty popular and confident girl I know, I watched the movie "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock. There is a scene where Lucy (SB) is sitting with the family of the guy in a coma (who she admired from afar and saved his life - you know, the typical fairytale). Unknowingly to the family, she is not really his fiance but due to the usual Hollywood misunderstanding, they believe she is and has decided to take them up on their offer to come over for Christmas. She is welcomed into their home, already a part of the family. The scene shows Lucy sitting there, looking around at the family as they laugh and exchange presents. They film portrays Lucy as an outsider, an outsider who wants to feel that sense of belonging, to be part of a family that has love and has moments like this. That song is playing behind the laughter and chatter. Subliminally. Maybe because I felt her pain in that moment, sitting there, looking around and feeling that wanting and needing to be a part of something that feels so warm and wonderful but is not actually yours. They start to hand out gifts and Lucy is handed a gift "from Santa". That is where the tears fall. The kindness and thoughtfulness of that simple act. The confirmation that she actually was a part of it, a part of the family and included. Cared for. I just youtubed it to see if I could find it to share with you, and yet again, the tears started to well up in my eyes. It is incredible that still after all these years, I get the same reaction. I guess I can identify with the pain of feeling alone, of feeling like a fraud. Sitting there, pretending to be happy or pretend that I am a part of something that isn't really mine. Feeling so touched to be included and a part of someone else's family at such an important time of year, that alone brings tears to my eyes - yet again. Editor's Note: can we say emotional overload?

At Christmas, I tend to think of how lucky I have been. I have been included and have felt that for the past 10 years luckily, thanks to my best friend and her family. Welcoming me into their home regularly has honestly been one of the things that has saved me and helped me get to where I am today. I feel comfort when I am there, but at the same time, at no fault of their own, I wish to be a true part of it all. They tell me I am a part of it and they expect me at family functions - but stubborn me, finds it difficult to accept. I sometimes try to convince everyone, including myself that I would rather be alone. Why is that? I don't truly want to be alone, but when I start to feel sadness and loneliness about having the security of a family of my own - I want to hide. I don't want people to see that I am sad because it is hard for them to understand.

What I love most is the celebration, the family. I have never known a family to be more close in all of the people I have met throughout my life. In a way, they are my guardian angel family. I am lucky. They have shown and taught me what family should really be about - love, loyalty, commitment, security, support, togetherness - no fighting, no beating, no hatred, no attitude and certainly no mind games. No abuse. One other important thing about this family are the meals that are shared. Can I just say incredible? Every delectable part of a home cooked meal in their Mother's home is doused in love and adoration. You feel the love with each and every bite. The rice balls, the pizza, the rigatoni with sausage, the eggplant parmigiana, the chicken cutlets, the veal cutlets, the peas - that salad with that incredible dressing. It is the best restaurant in the world, but I have been lucky enough to be a patron for years, and not pay a thing. Sure, put a dish away here or set up a table there - that is nothing compared to what I get in return. Along with the sensational food comes the delightful company. The laughter never ends and if it does, it is only because I am choking from laughter because I took a bite midway through the conversation. I have truly been blessed.

Some people I do think are meant to be alone. I may or may not be one of those people. You may or may not know, I am very difficult to get along with. I am stubborn. Anyone I let close knows this and if you are close, thank you for your incredible patience and for being there. No matter what words I use, I feel misunderstood. I am not a pity case, nor will I be considered a burden to anyone or any situation. I refuse to have people take pity. I was at a dinner table a few months ago where two people were talking about how sad it is when someone is alone at Christmas or for any holiday. I thought these two women were lovely, giving, caring and was thinking at the time, more people should be like them with their kind of compassion. But only a moment later, I felt defensive. I started to think I don't need anyone to take pity and I can handle being alone. They weren't even talking about me and they had no idea of what my past situation was but yet I felt upset on the inside and felt the need to prove that I don't "need" anyone. To be honest, afterall this blog is about honesty - this holiday season I feel a little bitter. Even my post sounds negative and I don't mean it to. I don't want to be bitter or negative and only I can do what it takes to change it. Who wants to be around Ms. Bitterpants? Not me I have realized, and certainly not you. Maybe it is time to swallow this silly ridiculous pride and just accept people and their compassion not as pity, but as genuine. Wouldn't that be amazing? If I didn't make it difficult on people or try to not put words in their mouths? Or do the thinking for them? People aren't as manipulative as I think they are sometimes. People are too busy Dr. Mike used to tell me, to care. He didn't realize how important I was to think that everyone is saying things to appease me, or work around me - not because they actually may want my company. Yes folks, I have issues, clearly. I don't believe I am the centre of the world, but I do question when people do or say nice things when I am involved and perhaps that has a bit to do with the way I was raised. I wouldn't want to be judged or questioned that way as I am someone who pretty much says what they mean - I would hate if everything I said was questioned or not believed. It would be very tiring always trying to explain myself or trying to make someone believe me.

Right now, at this time of year, I have decided that I need to let go of something that has been causing me pain and frustration for a while. As much as it hurts to do, I know that it is the right thing to do for me. Clearly from my experience I have learned that family does not necessarily mean blood relation. My family consists of some incredibly loving, supportive and positive dear friends I have known for a long time (short time too!) who have shown support and love in numerous ways. These relationships are easy. No pressure. No betrayal. This time of year, along with Thanksgiving, makes me realize how important and precious these people are - because I am lucky that they love me despite my faults including stubbornness and messed up thinking. They make me see clearly and tell me when I am wrong. They show their support and love and I feel grateful that they are there, to brunch, to travel, to talk and share the important moments that count. They show up. They are always "there" and it is mutual. Ladies, you know who you are and I wouldn't trade anything to keep you all in my life, I love you very much.

Some of you may know those type of people that are petty, miserable, two faced, negative and show no respect to people around them. Scrooge. These are people that I do not want to be associated with. So for 2010 - goodbye to them, as much as it pains me to say, as much as it may hurt and as much as I may miss them - some people will always be toxic and in order for me to grow - I cannot care about those type of people and keep them in my life. I am learning that you can't keep hoping someone will change, when they don't even think that what they do and how they treat people is wrong. One day I hope that these type of people will learn love and acceptance and realize it is such a waste of precious time to be bitter and manipulative all of the time. When these types of people speak ill of someone behind their back consistently, it is only a poor reflection of who they are, not the one they are speaking of. They may think it represents confidence but to me, it shows nothing but insecurity. It is actually quite sad.

As I continue my "Family - It's All Relative" chapters, you will learn more about all of this because I want to get it all out, for my own good and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.

2010
In reality, for me, it is a time to reflect. Reflect the past year, to see how many of the goals made in January 2009 I have surpassed or have they been lost in the day to day of the life I live. I reflect on life, what it means and the hope what a new year that is just weeks away can bring. New beginnings, new hopes, new dreams. The chance to shed the negativity of the year gone by and feel excitement for the new one to begin. Celebrating new life, wonderful experiences and moments of excitement shared with people you care about the most or all by yourself. People you have lost. People you have reconnected with. People you have grown closer to. The final moments of 2009 will be a blur, only to bring us into new promises, new starts and most importantly new opportunities. This time next year I hope I have accomplished something incredible and that I am sharing with you how it feels to be a success. How it feels to be a published writer maybe. Maybe this time next year I will have been a success at losing all the Phat, I will be Fit and focused on writing my book. Editor's Note: I submitted my writing for the first time to a Literary Agent who is looking for new talent in New York. Without you reading and supporting me and sharing your thoughts on my "talent of writing" and how you enjoy my blog, I may never had had the courage to send it out. Thank you for that courage.2010 will be a great year with endless possibilities and my only goal is to leave the negative past behind and focus on the most positive future.

Merry Christmas everyone, I will send out a Big Phat Weight Reveal on Monday, and I can assure you that it will be close to the original one - but that's ok - I wont beat myself up I will just keep going.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Confessions of a Phat Girl - Holiday Edition

2009-12-15T10:05:00.012-05:00

First things first, I have fallen off of the wagon.

I have not been to the gym in two weeks, hence nothing to report and no Big Phat Weight Reveals. The truth is, the weight reveal will only reveal that I have been very naughty with all of the temptation surrounding me. Santa has me on the naughty list and I hope he gives me coal, because I wont eat that, unless it is slathered in Peanut Butter, then I may be tempted. I know you think i am joking, but I assure you, it is quite possible.

All kidding aside, I feel it creeping back. The weight, the access, the bad habits. Confession number 1? Yesterday I ate chocolates at 11:30pm, with a glass of wine and some smoked gouda cheese. Confession number 2? I had two pieces of Hawaiian pizza in my lounge for dinner last night. Confession number 3? I have eaten two bags of Peanut Butter M&M's in the past week. Full bags. Mind you, they aren't like jumbo sized bags, but still, I feel them sitting on my love handles like dead weight. Confession number 4? I haven't worked out in 2 weeks...I have mentioned that already but it is amazing what happens when you don't keep at it. Slowly but surely, all the hard work goes to waste. Confession number 5? Tis' the Season for putting on the pounds, not taking them off. Valerie Bertinelli does though - with Jenny Craig. She and other Jenny Craig members tend to lose weight at this time of year, as oppose to gaining. That is what she claims on the commercials. Jenny Craig clients tend to lose 15lbs during the holiday season? I have some catching up to do. I have no self control when it comes to holiday hors d'oeuvres, pastries, chocolate, wine, cheese and all of the other great stuff that seems to be everywhere this time of year.

I brought my workout gear to work today so I can go to the gym directly after I am done. I have nothing to do tonight, my apartment is clean, I don't have a game so I am dedicating my time to me. As busy as I am right now, 7 games in 8 days, going out with friends almost every night afterwards and throwing in a trip to NYC last weekend - which I will get into in a bit - I am completely exhausted, tired and feel like I need to sleep for a full weekend to recuperate. I don't know how women or men do this with children to take care of or a husband to take care of on top of it all. Losing weight with children around, I admire women that are able to accomplish all of that. It is amazing to me. How do you find time to work out? To eat healthy? Kudos to fitting it all in....I tell ya, it can't be easy. Tonight I will go to the gym, so I don't feel like everything I have accomplished so far is a complete waste and all is not lost.

New York, New York.

I had an amazing time in NYC this past weekend. Well actually it was just over a week ago I returned so it was LAST weekend, but still. I was thinking all this past weekend of what I was doing at each time - even this morning I am wearing a $15 sweater I purchased in NYC, that I wore around on Saturday all day and I am reminded of how magnificent my favourite city is. I love everything about it. I went to see the tree. The magical Rockefeller Centre tree. The one in all the movies, the picturesque centre attraction of what you imagine Christmas in New York to be. When I arrived at Rockefeller Centre it had been raining heavily all day. I was drenched, my uggs were soaked. I got to the tree at about 4:30pm and it was pretty dark already. As I got closer, the largest snowflakes I have ever seen started to fall fast and furiously. It was amazing and truly one of the most perfect moments I have ever had, similar to the hot springs in Charlevoix a few Christmas's ago. In my favourite city, during a magical time of year, although surrounded by wayyy too many tourists, for a moment I took it all in. I felt the warmth of the Christmas season even though it was bitterly cold and wet everywhere. I ended up getting right next to the tree and to describe the enormity of it would be impossible. You would have to stand next to it yourself to appreciate and understand it. I hope you at one time or another have that chance, because there is nothing like it.

I took this with my Blackberry as I forgot to bring my camera...still magnificent, huh?

Saks Fifth Avenue was my next stop which did not disappoint. Saks has to be the most gorgeous department store ever. I love the express shoe elevator, I love the luxury and grandness of it all. The storefront Christmas window displays were magical, picture the Bay on Queen on a much grander scale. This was just part of their regular store front - this Valentino gown took my breath away at first glance, I had to take a picture.

Took my breath away....

I worked with a lady named Jamie who helped me with my purchases. I treated myself to a new perfume that Sassy Scotland made me smell in Holt's one day and I fell in love immediately. Flowerbomb, by Viktor & Rolf. To me it is a mixture of Chanel Chance (my scent for 6 years now) and Angel. I love it. I got a gift set that included the body lotion, the body wash, a mini eau de Parfum, a 50ml eau de Parfum and as a bonus they gave me this gorgeous refillable perfume spray that I am in love with. It came in a three tier pink box that looked like a wedding cake. I am in love with Flowerbomb and it is my new favourite scent, well, tied with Chanel Chance of course. Thank you Sassy Scotland for the introduction. After I picked up my Christmas gift and a few others, I was able to check my bags for the day at their concierge. Fabulous. I went to Tao for dinner, finally was reunited with my Ruby Red Dragon Martini and Crispy Tuna Sashimi Roll with Edamame. The best ever. Of course I went to Pastis for brunch, as I always do and enjoyed every moment I had with my city. It was the best date ever as it did not disappoint. I didn't go skating and I didn't make Serendipity for some Frrozen Hot Chocolate, but that is what January, February or March is for. I will be back New York, don't you worry your pretty little head. I was going to go for New Years as Mariah is kicking off her tour on December 31st at Madison Square Garden - but found out yesterday that she will be in Toronto on February 9th, 2010. Needless to say, I am attending, 55 days to go.

Confession number 6 - I love Mariah Carey and I don't care who knows it.

Confession number 7 - I am getting my phat ass to the gym tonight to kick it back up. I think I could start hardcore on January 1st, 2010 as May is still my deadline and have a trip to Miami to prepare for - 4 months can do some serious adjusting to this body.

Confession number 8 - a certain non phony person told me on Sunday that my gut was hanging out, that I should be wearing clothes that fit (Ok, I was wearing a grey tracksuit and the jacket shrunk in the dryer) and when I mentioned I was going to the gym this morning, he let me know that he is happy that he has inspired me to go back to the gym after mentioning my gut on Sunday.

Confession number 9 - Non phony is lucky I didn't have a knife or matches and gasoline in my hand when he said that on Sunday and extremely lucky I wasn't close to any blunt metal objects this morning when he mentioned it again and reminded me about my gut.

Confession number 10 - I want to eat and eat and eat and eat - but I will do my best not to give in this Holiday season. If I do give in, I will be sure to keep on working out and not get totally lazy.

The Big Phat Weight Reveal will return on Monday, December 21, 2009.

Blog Soon,

PFF

P.S. Larger than life picture of my favourite at Times Square and I think I need to find someone to do this with for my photoshoot...

Who will it be for me?

Oh That Feather!

2009-11-30T16:22:00.009-05:00

Girls you asked for it? You got it!

Today, I feel like crap. I hate today. I am miserable and angry and bitter. There are a few contributing factors to this day so I wonder how my friends would handle it. Well, I know for certain there is one thing that makes them laugh - even at the mere discussion of it. I never planned on ANYONE seeing this, EVER, as it brings back awful memories from Grade 8 and a lip sync competition I did and fell in front of the entire school - you remember me mentioning that, right? Cover Girl? New Kids? Some of you witnessed it first hand.

Well, at the company I work for, they decided to hold a Lip Sync Competition. Yes, you heard me correctly and all departments had to participate. Sure, flashbacks from Grade 8 came falling back to me - but I am a natural lip syncher at home, in the shower, in the car - everywhere basically. Yes, I am a social butterfly so I helped organized a group. This is the video that promoted the event to us - check it out, its amazing and I love this Glee version of the song!

Amazing, right? Now, who could top that? There is a bonafide actress in that group (who I just saw in A Midsummer Nights Dream at the Hart Theatre downtown- playing until December 5th - its hilarious check it out!).

It is November 30, 2009 today, the competition was on September 17th, 2009 - that should show give you an idea of how much I wasn't looking to share this, ever. I picked our department's song, no, not the New Kids or Mariah surprisingly and we practiced, practiced, practiced. We thought we would do well...but didn't think anything else of it. With the song, I was suppose to be a diva. Again, no, not a Mariah Carey song. You will see. I decided to wear a pink feather boa - to Diva it up and I wore it alright....or did it wear me? You decide....

The video surfaced at my Thanksgiving dinner and brought joy and happiness to everyone that night so I am choosing to share with you this limited view of me and my team in action. Some of you may get flashbacks to Grade 8, some may turn away from embarrassment, some of you may laugh your ass off. The other night at Baby Momma's Tree Trimming party, it was mentioned again, and joy instantly filled the room.

You will laugh, you may cry and it is definitely better than Cats - leave comments if you wish, and please most of all, enjoy....

Blog Soon,

PFF aka Lip Sync CHAMPION

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 14

2009-11-30T13:27:00.004-05:00

Week 14 Numbers Game:
Weight: UNKNOWN - I refused to get on the scale this morning due to bloating.
Lbs Lost this week: UNKNOWN
Lbs gained this week: UNKNOWN
Lbs Lost thus far: 16
Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19
Desserts consumed: 2
Starbucks Cookies: 1/2 gingerbread molasses
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 2
KM walked: Didn't keep track
Gym Dates: 3 - and I ran on the treadmill a lot, not walked.
Zumba Classes: 0
Booty Camp Classes: 0
BodyFlow Classes : 0
Glasses of Shiraz: 1 Bottle for the entire week (personal trainer said I could still have some wine)
Poutine: 0 - wanted it bad last night but refused
Mimosas: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 2 (did you read It's All Relative?)
Excuses: A few....

Ok, so I am not weighing myself today. I will weigh myself tomorrow night at the gym. I could do it Wednesday in the morning at the gym also- I like the scale there.

Anyway, that is all for today.

Blog Soon,
PFF

It's All Relative - Chapter Three

2009-11-25T15:47:00.013-05:00

Editor's Note: If you have read the past two "chapters" - thank you. Thank you for sharing in my story, my journey and literally my way of moving through the past into a place where that is exactly where I want it to stay - in the past. Thank you for your kind messages, your kind words and I am so sorry if I have upset you. I want to burn the past. I want to bury it. I don't want to live with it anymore. You may be wondering why I have decided to share so much with all of you all of a sudden and the answer is simple: I need to move forward and keep the past the past and not live in that place in my everyday now. I don't want to be in a constant struggle with demons that haunt me, with constant worry. I want to release many of them, let them out and live my life in the most loving and truthful way I can, not hiding anymore behind the pain, giving myself a reason to be Phat, miserable, cranky or frustrated as it is no way to live. I know someone who is just a miserable person. On the outside they claim to be near perfect. This person is so rude to people, manipulative, selfish, two faced, full of attitude and unkind. I look at this person and think for all that they have, the life that they have lived, they should be happy and feel incredibly lucky to be where they are today. Thinking about it and how they act, how they treat people - made me want to open up about myself and ensure that I am never, ever perceived that way. I feel miserable at times, I feel sad, I get bitchy, stubborn and to be completely honest with you - I can and have been rude to people, to strangers even. These (and many others) are things that at 33 years of age, I don't want to be. The negativity I want to leave in the past and not live with it every single day of my life. The funny thing is, this person I am referring to sadly will never ever realize that they are just not a genuinely nice person and that they are just so unhappy I can only feel pity for them. No, this wont be easy, but I want to start by sharing my story, my journey that has led me here and hope that starts off the process of letting it all go so I never have to look back again.

Continued from yesterday....here is the next chapter I hope to release and close for good...

I had no idea was going to do next. I was still in high school, working part time, no car, no financial support and no other family. I went to see the guidance counsellor at school as I didn't know what to do. He talked to me about Student Welfare. Just the words "welfare" didn't sit right with me. After all, I was an Oakville snob. I met with someone who told me that all I had to do was go to class every single day, and could only miss maximum 2 classes per month. I would receive $640 per month for living, food, clothing etc. for basically just going to school. Great!!! Right?! I asked about how it would effect my job at the grocery store and they told me that I wouldn't be able to work there. This upset me. They said if I chose to still work there, I would have to deduct what I made from the monthly $640 which involved more paperwork that I was not interested in doing. I didn't want people monitoring what I was making, let alone have to report it to someone every week. I decided right then and there, I was not going to quit my job. Student Welfare was not for me. I am sure it has helped many, but I didn't want to stop working because to be honest, that part time job, the people there, were all I had at that point. It was the constant in my life. The one thing I knew that I could depend on, no matter what.

For the first year on my own, I moved quite a bit. First, I moved into a friend's place and started paying rent living in their basement. After three months, my friendship with her deteriorated so I was forced to find another place to live. Next, I moved into a room for rent with a woman and her two kids. I lived there for a while even though the air conditioning wasn't allowed to be on while she wasn't at home. Once her kids started going through my things, I felt it necessary to find some place else to live. Next, I found a basement apartment with a family living there, where the father looked at me not the way a married man with kids should be looking at a teenage girl. He was creepy and I felt dirty when he looked at me. In this basement apartment, there were spiders from time to time. It was awful, but it was all I could afford ($350 per month) and it was within walking distance to my high school and work. This all occured between January 1995 and July 1996 which seems like soooo long ago, probably because it was. I had failed some classes (big surprise) and was a bit behind so I didn't graduate grade 12 in 1994 with the rest of my friends. In September 1995 I went back to school to graduate. The first semester I took a full class load (5 a day with no lunch or spare) and added a night school class to get caught up. Yes, that is right, 6 classes in one semester. With working as much as possible at my part time job, my schedule was full. Too full. As you can guess, I couldn't do it all. I failed classes and in January of 1996 I felt completely hopeless. I started sleeping in late. I started missing classes, I started giving up. My attendance was poor, I was exhausted and stressed. At the end of the semester, I passed only 2 classes out of the 6. I think it was the first time I felt completely and utterly depressed. It hit me that I had nothing, no reason to do anything, that I wasn't going to go anywhere and maybe I was just meant to work as a cashier in a grocery store the rest of my life. I almost gave up entirely. It was probably the lowest point in my life. All I would do is eat, lay in bed, sleep and eat again. I would call in sick to work sometimes - which I rarely did if ever before.

I would eat to numb the pain, the hopelessness and the stress. Food I could count on. Food was always there for me. Food didn't judge me and was ok with me missing school. Food was my parent, my friend, my family. Food didn't abuse me, didn't punch me, didn't hurt my feelings. Food didn't play mind games. Food made me feel good and full. It made me feel protected. I loved food. It nourished my body and my soul. I still love food to this day, hence why I have this blog - hello? 50lbs to lose? Exactly. Food is still a coping mechanism for me, except only when I am heartbroken - remember, the best diet ever.

While laying in bed, day in and day out January 1996 I wondered what would become of my life, if anything. My best friend Sonia and I talked a lot. Although we only worked together at that point and were at separate high schools - she knew a lot of what had gone on in my home - when we use to talk on the phone she knew I would have to call her back after my father came home angry or pretend I was sleeping or not make a sound when he came home so I wouldn't get in trouble and we would whisper. We talked one night for hours in that January. What seemed like hours about why I shouldn't give up. Why I couldn't let everything go. The fact that I was so close to graduating (4 credits away) it was ridiculous to give up now. I started to think in that conversation, what my children would think. I didn't have children at the time, but I figured when I eventually did, what would they think of their mother without a high school diploma? I had already wore my class ring with the year 1995 on it. I wore it but hadn't graduated. I loved that school ring and felt that it would be dishonest if I continued to wear it, if I didn't actually graduate the school it represented. I worked hard for that ring. I believe it was $310 which doesn't seem like a lot now, but that was pretty much a month's rent back then. I remember thinking I wanted my children to be proud of their mother. That I was strong enough to do this and even if I didn't go anywhere past high school, I could be proud of what I accomplished and at the very least, I had my high school diploma. So my decision was made during that one phone call. That one phone call changed my life and turned it around.

I wanted to go back for the second semester in February, but the principal was not impressed. I needed to beg him to let me come back. There was more than one meeting. I was serious and wanted to make it happen. When I say beg, I had to share with him a lot of what was going on, what had happened and why and promised him that my attendance would improve. He allowed me to come back and monitored me. I stuck to it. Sonia left two voicemail messages in the weeks that followed that fate changing phone call night. I saved both of them for 8 months. Both messages basically told me that I just needed to get through this, that I needed to just work hard, there were only four credits and once I finished, jokingly, I would have her to thank. She told me that she believed in me, and that is what I needed the most. Someone to believe in me. Someone that cared enough to see that I could do it. Whatever "it" was. Whenever I was on the verge of giving up, I would listen to those messages again and again to get me through. I worked very hard to pass, worked full time hours at the grocery store, and when exam time came - I was passing all of my classes, I even had a couple of B's. Passing all of them, except for one. I had a 38% in Math and needed that credit to graduate. I was more of an English person, clearly since this was the third time I was taking this specific Math class. I needed this credit to graduate more than anything I had ever needed before. My dear friend Tara who seemed like a whiz at math, offered to help me study the night before my exam. I am sure she wanted to kill me. I was so frustrated and just wasn't getting it. I tried, but kept telling her I was stupid. Sweet, patient, chocolate covered Tara stuck with me, got frustrated at me but still stood by me and taught me. Step by step, took me through all of it. I have never studied math so hard in my life. The next day at my exam, I was the last one to leave and used the entire time to finish. I answered every single question. I hoped and prayed during the days I waited. I got my final grades and passed Math with a 54%. That mark was not given to me, that mark was earned by me. I was elated that I had graduated high school. I had done it, just like Sonia and Tara believed I would. I found out later that I received a 89% on my exam, which was the second highest mark of the entire class. I had only one person to thank for that, SCCT - Sweet Chocolate Covered Tara.

Up until that point, I don't believe I had ever been that excited. When I found out I graduated, I was incredibly proud of what I had accomplished and felt so incredibly thankful for those who surrounded me and believed in me through it all. In my situation there were many options that could have happened. Drugs, prostitution, homelessness, pregnancy being a a few. I could have easily gotten involved with the wrong crowd, but I had the most incredible friends anyone could ever ask for. Sure, being my friend came with some serious issues as I was quite emotional and sensitive - but I have never forgotten the people who made such a difference in my life. They were the difference between me failing and succeeding. The friends that listened to me cry. The friends that didn't give up on me. The friends that were there through everything who believed I could do it even when I was convinced it wasn't possible. I am incredibly lucky and fortunate. My friends became my family and although it was quite a burden for them - some of the best ones are still in my life, surround me to this day and I am as thankful now as I was then to have them.

There were many people who made a difference in my life back then, who made things easier for me and may not have realized. I worked with many great people. They seemed to take care of me in different ways. My two managers would always make sure I would get dibs on shifts that became available last minute. I needed those shifts to survive. They would listen to me when I was upset - which was a lot. They did things outside their job description to help me. They always made sure I had a ride home at night and even a few times the store manager himself would come and pick me up to bring me in to work. It was like a family at that store who all took me under their wing and helped in small ways to them, but huge ways to me. I am grateful to everyone there as well as I am convinced that I wouldn't be here today if they weren't all so kind to me back then.

Just one incredible example of kindness I experienced - there was this guy named Lee who went to my high school. We weren't very close friends but we hung around mutual people, in the same circle of friends. He would see me walking along McCraney Drive on my way to work after school sometimes. At least a dozen times it seemed, he would pull over, offer me a ride and drive me all the way to work, out of his way. I loved those days. Lee went out of his way to be kind to me and help me. It may not have seemed like a big deal to him, but it was a huge deal for me. So Lee, if you are reading this, thank you for your kindness those many years ago. You made such a positive impact on my life by helping me when you didn't really have to, but you did, and it will never be forgotten.

The summer I turned 20, I found out my Sweet Chocolate Covered Tara's good friend Rhonda was looking for a roommate. Tara as brilliant as she is suggested that we move in together. Rhonda attended my 20th birthday party and it happened soon after that. We talked about it later and ended up looking for a place together. We ended up finding the best apartment ever in Oakville on White Oaks Blvd. for $847.56 -which was $423.78 each, monthly. We moved in together August 1996. My very first home!! With my very own key!!! I was so happy, plus I lived with the most Pretty, Popular and Confident girl I have ever known.

Editor's Note: Some of you may be wondering at this point, what happened to her parents? Is when they kicked you out in January 1995 the last time you saw them? So what happened there? Maybe you are wondering when I will stop blabbing so you can go grab something to eat or watch Oprah.

I will continue tomorrow....I hope you continue reading....

Blog Soon,

PFF

Family - It's All Relative - Chapter Two

2009-11-25T10:08:00.017-05:00

Ok. So I have calmed down a bit since yesterday. I have called this one Chapter 2, because I am writing so much that it seems like a book.

Editor's Note: After writing Part 1 yesterday I realized that I may have made the wrong decision in sharing that information with the general masses. If it was indeed the wrong decision, I will pay for the consequences of losing readers or who knows, some eye rolling or snickering comments of "she should get over it already" etc. This is a journey that I am on and I believe everything leading up to this point in my life makes me who I am today. So if you don't know me, you can have a better idea of who I am, what I am about and join me on my quest to figure out the best way I can live my life in a healthier way. Plus, who doesn't love drama from time to time to escape from their own life, right? Up to this point in my life, I have hid behind my past. Using it as an excuse as why I react to things the way I do. The reasons why I do things. The reason why I am Phat. The reason for the layers and layers and the defensive walls that are constantly protecting me. My friends, if I can be so bold to call you that, I want the walls to break down, the Phat that has protected me to fade so I can be the Sexy Sassy Butterfly I am meant to be. Get ready, Part 2 is just as honest as Part 1 and I suggest if you want to roll your eyes or snicker, you may as well x out now.

Throughout my teens, I was kicked out of the house over and over and over again by my adoptive parents. People often asked "what did you do?" or would accuse "you must have done something awful, why else would they do that?". I would defend myself back then to the end "I was a good girl" and still do to this day. Again, noone has a perfect family. I feel many people put on a show, they must. There is no way that I was the only one living with what I now call abuse. It is amazing. My "show" was in school. In class, I was very social - to the highest degree. I would talk to anyone that would listen (hello, some things never change - blog). I never belonged to one "clique" I considered myself to be friends with everyone. Sure there was one evil girl who made my life hell, who bullied me but other than that repugnant, disgusting and rude being, I got along with everyone as far as I know.

Considering everything that was going on at home, I am impressed at the fact I was able to seem somewhat normal and be as outgoing and friendly as I seemed. That was my mask. Friendly on the outside, upset, stressed, frustrated, scared, lonely and depressed on the inside. Not that I wasn't genuine, but I didn't really allow people to see the truth. Every night I could tell if my father was in a bad mood or not by the way he walked down the hall and the boards squeaked. I would pray and hope that there would be no yelling, screaming, fighting - each and every night. It the walking was more like stomping I just hoped that it wouldn't be me that was going to get the brunt of it. I also use to hide in my closet, hide as low as possible from my window, scared that my brother or his friends would kill me. Shoot me with a gun through my bedroom window. This fear came after he threatened me he and his friends would one day when I wasn't expecting it. So I would not go to sleep until I knew everyone was in the house. Until after my brother came home. Maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself, or maybe I didn't think anyone would believe a little bitch like me.

The closest I came to letting someone in on the truth I remember was one time in Grade 11, my favourite class was geography. The teacher basically showed us all the places she travelled through her life and I was mesmerized. All of these beautiful places, these incredible experiences. The world is a glorious place. She showed us personal pictures of her adventures and knew then I wanted a part of that. One night, when I was laying on the floor doing my homework, the phone rang. Interestingly enough, there were times that I was not even allowed to answer the phone in my house. This one night, I made the mistake of answering. I lived in a bungalow, where my father was in the basement and the call happened to be for him. I called downstairs to tell him and he had picked up the phone down there. Moments later, as I am laying in front of the TV I hear him come upstairs and ask my mother where I was. He came to me, so angry that I had picked up the phone. He started telling me to go to my room. I defended myself and said all I did was answer the phone. I was watching a show on TV and doing my homework and just wanted to stay there. He kept yelling and pointing to my room, stood over top of me and cornered me at the couch. There was nowhere else for me to turn or go. I put my hand up on his stomach because I was still on the floor and I felt that he was going to stomp on me if I didn't protect myself. As soon as the palm of my hand touched his stomach, he yelled "don't hit me" and punched me in the face. Yes. You heard me correctly. Punched me like a boxer. The thing was, I wasn't in a ring in some gym training for a fight, I was at home and I was his 16 year old daughter. I jumped up, standing on the couch now, adrenaline pumping and started to tell him he was disgusting, a F***king Asshole and how dare he hit his 16 year old daughter. He wanted to kick me out, I called a family friend to help me and he sided with my father and said he didn't want to get involved. I really don't know how to explain how alone I felt at that moment. It was clear. I went to bed eventually, woke up and went to school. I was late for my Geography class. I knocked on the door and I didn't want to go in. It brings tears to my eyes right now reliving that moment. The teacher came out and I handed her my assignment, the one I had been working on the night before. Our eyes met and I felt that she could literally see into my soul. Right through the pain in my eyes. Maybe that was wishful thinking. I gave her a lame excuse as to why I couldn't attend class, hoping she would pick up on "I need you to help me, I am in so much pain" but alas, she didn't. I still believe to this day she knew something. I could see it and feel it by the look on her face. It was almost pity, but not. Perhaps compassion. What was she suppose to do though, really. I found comfort in that moment, that she picked up on it and maybe that is what helped me start to open up to close friends and give hints as to what was really going on.

That night was not the first, nor the last of what went on as I shared some snapshots in Part 1. The summer I turned 18, I spent a lot of time with Andrea, full of Hope. One of the many times my parents kicked me out, was two weeks after my birthday. I was out of the house for two weeks and stayed with Andrea while her parents were away on one of their many many many vacations. I was sad because being kicked out repeatedly is difficult but if you have 24 hours a day with your best girlfriend, it isn't all bad, well we were kind of bad - floating cd's - but wholesomely good. I eventually went back home and started School. Months went by, fights still happened and I had found refuge at a friend down the road's place. Everytime the yelling would start, I would try to leave. I would walk 20 minutes to get there. I wasn't allowed to get my driver's license and I wasn't allowed to have a key to the house. That made things frustrating as well. I would walk to his house and cry to him and his parents. Again, noone really seemed to understand why or what was happening.

January 2, 1995 was the last time I was kicked out. It was just after I got home from the first day back at school after Christmas break. I asked my mother if she had washed my overalls or just put them in the dryer with Bounce. One thing about me if you don't know already, is that I hate being lied to. So I asked her while her and my father were sitting in their chairs in the "family" room. She started getting angry, which infuriated my father even more. They told me to pack my things and get out. I went to my room, called my friend down the street (two minutes before he cut the phone line off for my phone). I had told his mother I needed a ride to work - which was true, my shift started at the grocery store at 4:30pm. His mother came to get me and a few minutes after we left a police car drove by, on the way to my house. The reason for this was because my father had called the police on me. Again, that was not the first, nor the last time. I got to work, went upstairs to the cash office and cried with my manager. I knew it was the last time. I had nothing but my uniform on me. I got a ride from my co-worker Rico to my friend Monica's house. I told her parents and they thought it would be ok and work out. My friend Shauna came to pick me up from there and we went back to my house to pick up some stuff. Clothes. As much as I could fit in her car. When we arrived, the lights were out. There was a note on the front door that read:

Fiona, Do NOT enter this house. If you need someplace tonight call Calvin. You are no longer welcome here. Dad

I found an unlocked door to the kitchen in the back of the house and Shauna and I got in. I went to my room and I can't even remember how fast we worked. The hardest part was saying goodbye to my dog, Gemma. That was so hard. I cried, hugged her, grabbed the note from the door and left. I still have that note. The note to me represented one day, far from then, perhaps now, that I would hang it in my office one day and look at how far I have come. Prove how wrong they were about me. That I wasn't a failure, stupid or however else they treated me meant. I stayed at Shauna's for two weeks until I figured out where I was going to live.

To be continued.....

Blog Soon,

PFF

Family - It's All Relative - Part One

2009-11-24T12:06:00.016-05:00

Today and tomorrow, I will be digging a little deep. Deeper than normal. Since my therapist died and I am on a waitlist for a new one - thank god I am not too crazy - but there are a lot of emotions to deal with and sort out. I was on the right path to a healthier mind, a healthier way of thinking things. Right now, I feel stagnant. Stuck. Unable to further the progress that I made for the year that I saw Dr. Mike. There are certain times that I feel so helpless - not like a victim or playing a victim but unable to breakdown how I am feeling and make sense of it. Editor's Note: this post will be extremely honest, things you may or may not want to know about me - so caution reading forward I suggest you stop now if not interested in knowing more than you should. I am willing to share today because I am in a sharing mood and extremely frustrated.

Losing weight to me is losing burden, stress, complication, comfort and giving me the ability to see who I really am, who I want to be - who I can be. It opens up possibility. It helps shed the bad. It helps me look at who I am with a microscope. Who I am under all those layers. Yes, I have built layers, not only Phat layers - but those pesky Phat layers represent what really is going on inside.

Many of you may or may not know certain things about me - about my past that I don't necessarily talk about but today I feel the need or want to. Where to start, where to start. If you are related to me by blood, or if you are a close friend reading this, then I hope you understand my need to express what I am about to say. One day I hope to write a best selling award winning book - so this could be a preview of the memoir or novel, or Oprah could read it and I could get on her show to discuss my experience and make that dream come true.

I was adopted. Yes, I have mentioned this before. I was adopted when I was two weeks old. The first two weeks of my life I have no idea where I was or who took care of me, who fed me, who changed me, who dressed me. I don't think about that too often, but it is interesting. I grew up in a home with both adoptive parents and an adopted brother who was four years older than me. The fact that I was adopted was something I always knew and always felt embarrassed about. It was always something that I never spoke to anyone about, and when my parents brought it up I felt humiliated. My parents were older, and I didn't like that. I always wondered about my real mother, my real father but was told that if I ever decided to meet them, my parents would be very disappointed, but would help me. Why would I want to disappoint my parents? I wouldn't want to hurt them. In fact, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone on purpose. I was the girl that as a child would line up every single teddy bear I owned along my entire body, top to bottom so none of them would feel left out. So that they knew they were all important to me. It may sound crazy, but it is true. I was told that I was a "love child" which embarrassed me further. My brother told his friend when I was in grade 5, and I was so scared and humiliated that his friend's sister would find out. Needless to say, she did find out and alas, I was humiliated. Being adopted was always an insult kids would use, even if they didn't fully understand what it meant. I was different. I felt different. My parents were older than most kids my age. To this day, it is very rare that I meet someone who is adopted. Not one of my close friends that I have known in my 33 years, has been adopted. We are a different breed that come with a whole different set of issues. There was one I knew of in high school and more recently, 2 years ago I found out a dear friend of a close friend was adopted and I started to cry when I found out. It just came over me. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Finally feeling a sense of relief that someone understood. Understood what it was like. Someone who shared the same thoughts and feelings to a degree. Someone who understood the unknown and understood what that empty feeling inside actually felt like. What a relief that was.

For a moment, imagine, not knowing where you come from. Why you like Peanut Butter, or who you look like. Why you seem to be so emotional? Why is there a disconnect with your parents? Why your brother hates you? Why you have the personality you have when it is unlike anyone in your home. Not having someone to identify with. Always questioning and thinking about someone every single day of your life you have never ever known, but want to. Someone out there that can rescue you from the hurt, the pain, the frustration that is your life. I used to imagine that my mother was Alannah Myles, yes, the singer who sings Black Velvet. She was around the right age to be my mother, right? Wishful thinking was that she was a celebrity, famous, rich and full of love. Waiting, just waiting to be my mother. Thinking about my dream father, I used to watch Full House and hope that my real father was exactly like Uncle Jesse. A man that would tell me everything will be alright. The cool one. Hug me when needed, stand up for me and protect me from harm and be there to tell me I am beautiful and should be with a magnificent guy who will treat me right. The one that wouldn't hurt me, ever. Always be there to protect me and my best interests. The one who would believe in everything I do and be there no matter what. Unconditional love is what I hoped for.

Nobody's home life is perfect, but for those of you who witnessed the slamming doors, the bruises, the fighting matches, the tantrums and many other situations you know that there was a reason for the unrealistic dreams above. It was more of an escape for me. To imagine a better life for myself. To imagine what unconditional love really felt like.

The reality I wanted to escape from was being punched in the face by the man I wanted to protect me while my mother egged him on, or yanked up the front stairs by my hair and thrown in my room - looking in the mirror and pulling out clumps of hair as I cried wondering why my father would do this to me. What did I do that was so awful? Told every week that if they die it will be my fault, if they got into a car accident it would be my fault. Turning off the water (well water) when I was in the shower. Turning off the power in my room. Giving me a phone in my room to only take it away over and over and over again. Throwing me through doors. Beating me until I couldn't move and then getting grounded for making them do it. Hit at the dinner table if I cut my meat incorrectly or showed poor table manners. If I spoke during dinner. Forced to eat food I hated (brussel sprouts) and told I couldn't leave the table until it was all done. I used to sit there for hours, alone in the kitchen with the doors around me closed. I used to get threats of being sent to a group home or a foster home or an orphanage. My mother used to pretend to pack her bags and tell me she was leaving because I was so awful. She never did leave, but the fear lived inside of me everyday.

Humiliated at Christmas dinners when there were guests. Guests I would hope that would stick up for me. That would speak for me and say, "what are you doing to her you asshole?". Brought to the police station one night to have me questioned if I was on drugs or not. I didn't speak to my father for two months after that one. When we arrived I was so upset, so scared. I learned to become strong at that point. I was strong in front of my father as he stood there and told the police that I was at a party at the Knights of Columbus and he believed I was on drugs. I didn't cry. I learned that after years at the dinner table. So many times I sat and ate with tears in my eyes. I couldn't even see my food clearly. After years and years of this, it became my goal to not cry. To prove that it didn't effect me. Oh it did though. Even when my mouth was washed out with Palmolive. Anyway, I remember going into the room with the police officer who just happened to be my friends Uncle - telling me "you seem like a sweet girl, and I don't know why your father brought you here. Even if you were on drugs, there is nothing I could do about it". This man, this kind man could see immediately that I was a nice girl - I wondered why my father never could. I wasn't on drugs but let me tell you the first time I tried them years later, I thought of him with spite. Whenever my parents would go out to their friends house and a babysitter would come - if I ate incorrectly or said something wrong, they would call their friend and tell them that I was bad, that I ruined their night and they wouldn't be able to go over anymore because of me. I learned over time, the phone calls were fake. The receiver was off the hook, but their hand was holding down the hang up button. Nothing but mind games because they made it seem that they were really talking to someone and I had actually ruined their night.

My Mother, Father and Brother were all in on it. Who was suppose to protect me? My father was a cop - who told me numerous times that noone would believe a little bitch like me. My brother would say the same thing. My mother, the woman who should be the loving and caring one, was in on it too and ignored it and cheered it on at times. I don't play the victim, looking back I never knew it was abuse and I thought it the way it was suppose to be. To think of it now, as a matter of fact, I was indeed a victim. I was a young girl, helpless, trapped in this home full of anger, frustration, mind games and abuse and only wanted to be loved so desperately. Why wouldn't I wonder about what it would be like to be with my real family? One day when I was 16 my father brought me somewhere because they decided that they didn't want me anymore. That is where I learned that I was adopted through Children's Aid. I didn't know that before and I knew at that moment it was very important information that I would use later.

I used to write letters to Oprah. I used to watch on Oprah and Donahue with these reunions with long lost relatives. Adopted people reunited with their real father, their real mother, their sister, their brother. The hugs, the tears - the opportunity. The happily ever after was what I wanted. I felt guilty about wanting it, but secretly I hoped so much that I would find relief that way. I still have the first letter I wrote to Oprah asking her to help me find them. I still have it because I was too scared to send it. I have numerous letters like that actually. As I got older, I became more open with my close and best friends with the fact that I was adopted. A dear friend of mine Andrea used to be so excited at the thought of me meeting my real mother. She made me think that it was actually possible to do. "What if she shops at the grocery store you work at?" or "What if she is looking for you?" and "Don't you want to meet her?" She used to wonder more than I did what my real mother was like. To be honest I became bitter toward my birth mother over time. It is amazing what emotional and physical abuse can do. What mind games can do to a person. My attitude was she gave me up, she didn't want me so why should I want to meet her? She lost her chance at getting to know me. Again, I was trying to prove I was strong. Andrea helped me lower my defenses over time and think about what knowledge and hope could bring. No wonder her middle name is Hope. Perhaps to spread hope to people she knows and cares for. She certainly did that and lived up to her name for me.

To be continued......if you want to know more that is.

I told you, I am in a venting and sharing mood and perhaps this will help shed some of the pain that I have lived through and give me relief I need to remain focused to shed some pounds enabling me to get closer to my goal. Perhaps by sharing this, someone else who has gone through something similar can relate and know that they aren't alone.

I am sorry if you feel it is too personal and I understand if you no longer want to read my blog - but this is my journey and this may be a mistake to share, but today, this is what I needed to do.

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 13

2009-11-24T09:45:00.002-05:00

Week 13 Numbers Game:

Weight: 203lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 7
Lbs gained this week: 0

Lbs Lost thus far: 16
Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: 1/2 - yes, but it was a brutal day...
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 2
KM walked: 0

Zumba Classes: 0
Booty Camp Classes: 0

BodyFlow Classes : 1
Glasses of Shiraz: 0
Poutine: 0 - but I was tempted on 1/2 starbucks cookie day....
Mimosas: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 0
Excuses: A few....

Ok, so it seems something was happening with my scale or with water retention last week - and I can tell you that I am relieved. I weighed myself this morning and back at 203lbs - I was very happy. I weighed myself at the gym and perhaps it is because it is a different scale - but I like it. Since I will be joining this gym - I was there this morning at 6:45am and ran / walked 5.23KM in 45 minutes. After 2.5 weeks of non walking / running I was pretty impressed. Again, the numbers on the treadmill I had to cover with one of my towels. It works for a while, I still found that the time passed slowly - but that is ok. I ran more than I have and at a great pace. It felt incredible. At the gym I am a towel whore. I love having towels at my disposal - to wipe of one bead of sweat or a thousand - I will get as many as I can. This morning the girl at the front desk was a bit of a towel Nazi, but eventually I got my way and walked away with two. Yay me.

I am joining tonight because timing has just been off to meet with the sales rep. I will see how it goes for the next 5 weeks (by Jan 1) and then I can quit if I find that I am not liking it for a one time fee of $99. Otherwise I start paying in January. I think that is a great option so wish me luck in this venture. After seeing my weight this morning, I am ok and feel a bit more motivated if I was actually 210 and had to lose the 7lbs yet again.

The gym is a different universe. There is wayyyy too much bush in the ladies change room that I am ready to see first thing on a Tuesday morning. Like honestly, I understand we are all women, we all have to change and shower and get ready - but some woman have no shame and too much bush. It upsets me. Also, it smells in there. Some people just smell. Now, I understand after a workout, you perspire - like Sassy Scotland and myself, we were glowing after our workout this morning. Some women in there? Ick....there is a nasty ass stank coming from somewhere - maybe hidden underneath all that bush. Sorry to be so graphic but I just want to share with you my morning - look you agree to read this blog and follow my journey - this journey involves bush you are going to hear about it. Can you tell that I am traumatized? Anyway, since it is co-ed and the machines are all close together - it is hot in there. Hot and a little smelly. The showers are a cesspool of germs and athlete's foot just waiting to happen. I forgot my flipflops this morning - but NEVER again. I almost showered in my socks. I love that people of all body types are there, including myself and I am sure they do not want to see my Phat ass as much as I don't want to see them - but come on - I keep myself covered for a little self respect - it isn't about a lack of self confidence - I could lay it out there like anyone else no problem- but I choose not to share that with other's for the same reason I don't really want to see everything all hanging out. Am I a prude? Am I not a Gym connoisseur? I have joined many Gym's in my struggle with weight - and it is always the same thing. People who have no shame. Anyway, it is a different world and I need to focus on the reason why I am there and what I want out of it. I will go in, use it and decide if I want to always do the morning, or go after work so I can shower at home. Home sweet home, where I don't have to share a shower (unless with someone cute) and all of the comforts of home are there. No athlete's foot, no warts, no nasty ass bush. Just fabulous me. Sassy Scotland and I will need to work a schedule that works for both of us to keep each other motivated....plus there are other fabulous people I know that are members at Goodlife.

If you are a member at Goodlife and want to schedule a Gym Date, let me know. I have already heard from some of you - which is fantastic :)

Blog Soon,

PFF

Phit or Phat - What am I suppose to be?

2009-11-18T15:02:00.007-05:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how challenging this is right now. I have gained, it is cold outside and the excuses of not working out are piling up just like the pounds. I had every intention of going the past two nights, no games, but still, I didn't go. Last night I was out of energy, probably because I haven't worked out in two weeks, but the night before - was just laziness - I promised myself I would go last night and yet again, I didn't.

I really don't know what the issue is. I don't consider myself to be a lazy person, but I am extremely lazy and sluggish when it comes to getting out there these days. I have thought this before but maybe I am suppose to be Phat? Maybe Fit doesn't "fit" in my life. Maybe I am always suppose to feel like this - but then why would I have the desire to lose weight? To fit into what society thinks I should be? On Tyra yesterday, and I hate her show, but she did a weight experiment and there was a girl who was 300lbs and LOVED her body. Confident. I bet she would wear a yellow dress and have no issues. It is amazing. There was a girl on there that weight 204lbs and she was beautiful. I loved her body and I am not being biased because I am close to that weight but she was well proportioned and looked great wearing a red dress. She was confident too. I am confident at times, but consistently wanting my weight to change doesn't seem that I am too confident. I want to run into someone from my past and see how gorgeous I am. It sounds ridiculous, but I think my weight acts as a shield of protection and without it maybe I am afraid to face who I really am without it. You have heard this before, so I wont continue.

I want to buy the WiFit but chances are, even though it is easy and in my house right there, I will get bored of it. I didn't want to join a gym because I always give up and get frustrated. It ends up being a waste of money, especially since I only use a treadmill or elliptical. I hate the numbers game. Not the numbers game of weight, but the numbers that taunt me while on the treadmill. I have tried covering them with a towel, so I don't notice how slow the time goes by. How monotonous it feels. How frustrating it is when the right music isn't playing on my ipod. I am not going to sit here and lie and say that I am gym person and that I love working out. I hate it. Anyone who loves it is lucky. I DO love the results, I do love how I feel once I am done and even sometimes when I am doing it - but the process going? or getting to the point where I actually do it, is the hardest part.

I keep thinking what my Dr. Mike said to me about not wanting to do something but telling myself I am going to do it anyway - it worked for a while but not now. Maybe I need to hear it from him again. Clearly that wont happen. It has been two months and he is gone and it is more difficult than I thought. Could that be the excuse for myself? Since I have lost that assistance in making things clear, while I am in limbo I let other things slide? I must admit, I don't feel very much like myself as of late. In fact, maybe it is the holidays, the weather - see? A million excuses, a million reasons as to why. Self Sabotage? Perhaps. I was making progress, very good progress actually. With seeing my Dr. it felt good. He listened and he understood and helped me understand things I felt. I miss him and it is hard. A lot of people think that it is easy just to find someone else or that with what he taught me I should review over and over and not lose the progress I made with him - but I am slowly slipping back into old feelings and habits. I am off the path.

So, Sassy Scotland Editor's Note: Sassy Scotland is very sassy, from Glasgow and recently started working with me approached me with an offer that was hard to refuse. A gym downtown, free parking, opens at 6am and she is willing to meet me in the mornings and change her afternoon / evening routine and give up her sleep to meet me. She read my blog. Why did I start this again? I don't know if I would ever give up sleep for anyone, but technically it is for me. She got an incredible deal as well so my appointment is on Friday - I am going to a class with her Friday and Saturday. Motivation is difficult, but change is needed. If I keep going the way I am, the discouragement I am experiencing will help me bring back my exports to Jamaica - all of them. Pigeons will sit on my windowsill with their cell phones, calling their friends to check out the Phat girl on the couch being choked by her own neck Phat. I don't really want that and I need to remind myself of what I really do want. I was asked today by Sassy if I really truly wanted it. IF I wanted the number to start with a 1 or a 2. If I really wanted it bad enough. As snarky and sassy as she was - she made complete sense and of course she was right. I am sensitive and I wont lie, it hurt hearing it and it pissed me off. Really pissed me off. It pissed me off because she is right. I felt disgusting and again, like a failure but I don't have to feel like that. Eat healthy, exercise, lose weight - a simple combination, the only combination for success. This I already know, its just a matter of doing it. Running on the treadmill, going to classes, having someone there that expects me to show up and believes I can do it. Sassy Scotland wants to kick my Phat ass it seems and I hope she knows how badly I need it. I have worked hard so far, if I keep working hard and work out, continue to eat healthily then I could lose 48 lbs by May 2010 - my original goal date.

So Sassy Scotland, I accept your challenge and invite to the gym. I can do this. I will do this. AS MISERABLE as I feel right now and as much as I want to quit this blog and eat my face off and as MUCH as I want to give up, I wont. I want to be happy. I will be happy if I lose weight. I will be proud of myself and it will be like taking off the fat suit and showing who I really am. Plus, guys will be falling all over themselves like complete and utter idiots. That alone is worth it.

Does everyone now understand what I meant by lifelong battle in my introduction of this blog?

Blog Sooner than Later,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 12 - Failure

2009-11-16T13:39:00.006-05:00

Week 12 Numbers Game: Don't hate the player, hate the game....

Weight: 210lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 0

Lbs gained this week: 7lbs? How is that even possible?

Lbs Lost thus far: 9

Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19+7

Desserts consumed: 2 truffles from Moroco Chocolat

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1

KM walked: ZERO - yuppers again - I worked 2 games last week, told myself to go - but I just didn't listen. I just didn't care. What is wrong with me? I am hard on myself because I need to be...what is going to make me do this?

Zumba Classes: 0

Booty Camp Classes: 0

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0

Mimosas: 1

Emotional Breakdowns: 0

Excuses: One for each day I didn't work out...I am tired, I will do it tomorrow, knowing full well once I get home and it is dark outside - I do not want to venture out. As you can already tell, it is creeping on back - whopping 7lb gain this week - disgusting.

Well, I read everyone's comments from last week. I am all about honesty on this blog - to be as honest as possible and be clear with what goes through my mind as it is a journey. I appreciate everyone's kind words, and support. It is truly fantastic. So I am going to be completely honest in how it makes me feel when I read certain messages. As much as I appreciate and love that people are reading my blog, hence the whole point of wanting people to follow my journey. I NEED that support. I need the comments - it shows me that you are interested in what I have to say and that you genuinely care about my progress. It helps immensely. The only thing that I find, is the way my mind works is not good. Probably because I am so hard on myself and frustrated at my weaknesses in this - when I read one in particular, I got bitter. Actually, when I read two of them in particular, I felt incredibly bitter. I hope I don't offend your comments, because I know that everyone is being incredibly wonderful and supportive and your points aren't to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad - they are to share with me your experiences, lend advice - which I need and show your support and belief that I can actually do this. My main point in explaining this to you now, goes to show another challenge. Taking constructive criticism. It is like I feel jealous of people that can actually do this. I feel like I am sitting on the bench, waiting to get a chance to play but in reality it is only myself and my mindset that is holding me back - it is only me that is making it harder for myself. Making myself do double the work. Now that I have gained back 9lbs (which may not be completely realistic but I am reading what the scale told me this morning) I have to lose it all over again. Why make this even harder for myself? I am my own worse enemy. I am sabotaging my progress and I knew there was a chance of this happening. This is what happens every single time. I want to win so desperately, but I don't know how. The thing is, when you comment and tell me I am doing great and I am showing progress - it is amazing. When I read comments that tell me how you do something, I feel pathetic and weak that I can't or that I am not doing it the right way. I feel jealous that I am not doing as well as I could be. I put myself through the wringer. Every single morning for the past 2 weeks I have thought I need to workout today. I hate how my body feels. I need to make the healthy choice constantly - why aren't I? I even read my own blog to get inspiration of how I was in the beginning. I need to read it again today.

The whole stuffing myself all week didn't happen, but I did indulge with pasta, veal parmigiana and rice balls at lunch yesterday. The same type of rice ball I overdosed on at Thanksgiving dinner at my best friend's house. I can already feel the fat (no, not the cute kind) back in my neck, and back on my stomach - soon there will be more arrivals on my back arriving from where I sent them permanently - the one part of my body I love looking at in the mirror. Before it gets too far, and yes I have said it before - I NEED TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR. I am so disappointed in myself right now. I am embarrassed I am not strong enough to give into the temptation that currently constantly surrounds me. I ate pizza this week. I had some M&M's in my lounge when someone opened them - not a bag or anything, but perhaps 10. I am a food junkie. I don't want to be Josie Grossie anymore!! Do you remember that moment in Never Been Kissed? I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I don't want to be Phat Fiona anymore!!

I don't want to feel like I am defined by how phat I am. I want to walk into a store, any store and find an outfit that will look cute on me, in a single digit size. I know everyone says weight is just a number, you should feel it in your clothes. Everyone has their own "right strategy" for losing weight. Diet and Exercise are the for sure way to make it happen. I think of just what walking for 2 straight months did - made a huge difference..my face, how I felt about myself and now I feel right now like a big phat piece of garbage oh and a failure that I disappointed not only myself but everyone and anyone who cares about me, or who reads this blog cheering from their computer screen.

The only time the weight stayed off for a while, was when I was broken hearted. If any of you have had a broken heart, I assume that you all have, you will know that it is the best diet you could ever go on. Myself for example, it was May 2004. His name was Parcel (not really, but I figured I would change it in case I get a book deal). Parcel was a huge liar. The one that lied about the Raptors season tickets? The one that claimed he killed someone? The one that would take me to motels and hotels because he was too embarrassed to admit he lived at home? Oh ya, the one that had an ex-girlfriend that constantly called him asking to get together? Oh, the one that while we were dating I broke into his voicemail and would hear the messages from Pristy (again, not a real name) telling him she has the convertible this weekend and she would like to take him for a ride. I bet she wanted to take him for a ride. Oh, ya, the one that I did drive by's and still checked his voicemail up to 2 years after we broke up? Editor's Note: I never said I was perfect. The one that I changed his password on him so I would stop myself from checking and he changed it back to the same one so I continued for a little while? oh ya, that one. The one that was 6'4", 220lbs, played hockey and looked like Mats Sundin. The first guy I ever really "loved". Needless to say the relationship was tumultuous, it lasted a little less than a year. May 12, 2004 he dumped me. He started dating someone 2 weeks after and I was sick. I checked her out. Then I checked out the next girl he dated for almost a year. I was the kind of sick, that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat - all I did was cry. Cry, cry, cry. I would hear an Aalyiah song, I would cry. I would see Mats Sundin - I would cry. I would be at work, I would cry. Still to this day whenever I drive around or whenever I am in the vicinity of Sherway Gardens, I think of him. Everytime, still to this day, when I see a silver Mitsubishi Eclipse, I think of him. Heartbroken. Heartsick. Lay in bed for hours crying sick. Whatever I did end up eating, once, maybe twice a day, I would throw up because I felt so awful. This pain as you know is so awful you think you are going to die, but you don't. You don't die of a broken heart, at times I wish I could to end the pain I was feeling but the comforting part is, time will evenutally heal and is the only thing you can really count on. The other comforting part is I lost 30lbs and kept it off for 2 years plus. It took forever to come back, but when I saw him again when he got his now wife pregnant (oh and came over one night), I looked bloody fantastic. The confidence was there. Too bad he left midway through the heat, as he was feeling guilty he left his pregnant bootycall now wife *(who is really pretty btw - discovered during facebook creeping) wondering where he was. A winner alright. Why was I heart broken again? Only then after all that I was able to get to the beginning of the closure. So, maybe the not so phony will break my heart and I will be that much closer to my goal.....I would rather feel good doing it though, I don't really want a broken heart again - but I must admit, that pain is fantastic for your legs and ass.

I apologize to you for wasting your time. I made a commitment to you and to myself that I was going to do this. This morning I woke up and I was excited at the thought of a new week, a new start. I weighed myself and felt incredibly discouraged and couldn't believe the number. Like my Dr. Mike used to say to me, you can say I so don't want to workout today, but I am going to go anyway. Very simple. It is walking. I can walk, right? Even if I go to the track so I don't go all that way in the cold - up the Mount not so Pleasant Mountain...

A special shoutout to my friend Mike. Today, I read in his informative and cool blog www.http://onebrownguy.com/cool-blog-phat-to-fit-to-fabulous a post about me and my blog. It was written back in September and I only saw it for the first time today. Today, a day where I wanted to get it all together after weighing myself and thinking what other excuse I could make. A day where I was hoping I would make the right decisions to ensure I don't end up back at square one. I came across his post and after reading it - I am back on. Tonight? walk. The whole 13km - not the track, although the track does work well as I run one and then walk one so I run half way. Mike, thank you for inspiring me and reminding me that I am strong and that more people read than I really actually thought - and that people do respect that it is difficult to share this journey with others and that I am not the only one and it is not only females that struggle with these issues and feelings.

To all of you who accept and understand that without struggle there is no progress, thank you. To all of you who make comments, despite how I take them when I am feeling bitter and disappointed in myself - thank you. To everyone who reads and hopefully will continue to follow my journey, thank you so much.

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 11

2009-11-09T16:52:00.004-05:00

Week 11 Numbers Game: Not a game anymore....
Weight: 203lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 0
Lbs gained this week: 0
Lbs Lost thus far: 16
Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19
Desserts consumed: a few
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0
KM walked: ZERO - ya, what is wrong with me you ask? I just want to hibernate.
Zumba Classes: 0
Booty Camp Classes: 0
Glasses of Shiraz: 3
Poutine: 0
Mimosas: 1
Emotional Breakdowns: 0
Excuses: nothing but...

OK, so I am done.

Tired, I want to quit.

Without struggle there is no progress. Don't I know it. I am tired of the struggle. I have no idea who said it, I love it, but right now? It is the truth. Without struggle there is no progress. There is increase, in poundage if I eat how I want to right now. My struggles? Wanting to eat everything in plain sight. Getting my phat ass in gear. Losing weight.

No progress in 3 weeks. I can't blame anything or anyone but myself. No, this is not a pity party. This is a lazy phat ass party. You are all invited to tell me I am a phat cow, that I am lazy, to get it together and start exercising again and watching everything I eat how I did in the beginning. The truth is, I feel ok, I want to feel better but I am so tired as of late. I want to curl up into a ball and relax. I don't want to gain back the 16lbs I have lost - but I am at a plateau - a self inflicted plateau. A lazy phat ass plateau. I keep making excuses, and tonight I could go - but I have no energy it seems. It is dark, the temperature is nice, but I don't even feel like doing laps around the track.

Can we say frustrated? I am going to turn into the size of a polar bear if I don't start up again. Here I am, for whatever reason I reach a point and I stop. WHY? Do I not want it that bad? Do I want to be air lifted by a crane out of the side of my apartment? Do I want nasty sores and swollen body parts because I can't move out of my bed? Do I want to have chicken delivered in a bucket through my window? Do I need to remind myself of the 35,000 calories a day guy? How about I post a picture of me half naked now - humiliate myself even more and work towards changing it. Who knows what it is going to take. It was suggested to me to do the 30lb shred by Jillian Michaels - she frightens me. She is scary. I want WiFit - but haven't gotten it yet. If I am left in my house to do a video - chances are I could find an excuse as to why I can't do it.

From Phat to Fit to Fabulous to Fat to Full of Excuses. Do you realize that I want to be stuffed like a turkey in the oven at all times. All I want to do is eat right now. I want to lay on my couch and eat. Right now I could eat a loaf of bread...screw the salad. I could go to the Keg right now and have some serious wine, Filet Mignon and garlic mashed potatoes. Maybe I should take a break for a week. Eat everything I want and come back? Who the hell knows what I should do! I am so frustrated and craving so much food right now its bad. I am trying to keep it under control, but I know that before long I will be back to eating a bag of doritos and a chocolate bar, and those Starbucks Chocolate Chunk cookies.

Vacation and dream time over. Hibernation time here I come.

Blog Soon,

PFF

I Love My Bed, My Bed Is My Best Friend....

2009-11-05T09:59:00.011-05:00

Well, the title sounds funny, yes, indeed. "What does she mean her bed is her best friend?" you may be asking yourself...I assure you, I am one of those people who loves their sleep. Editor's Note: When I have referred to my best friend in previous posts, I do mean my best friend and not my bed...I love my bed frame - it is from the Bombay Company and I had pulled out the picture from a catalogue when I was 20 years old. I fell in love with it. It was $1700 and there was no way living on my own I could afford it. I held onto the picture and a few years later I met my birth mother. I told her about my love for this bed and I couldn't afford it and she offered to buy it for me. I said I could pay her back and that it would take time, rather than her buy it for me. It was on sale so I asked her what she would do. She said "I would let me buy the bed" so I did. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me, and I will never forget it and I still love it as much as I did today, 8 years later. I think that my love for luxury bedding comes from her, it is in my blood. She has impeccable taste and should have been or should be an interior designer. Her house? Stunning. Right out of a House and Home magazine. She is also like Martha Stewart but better where she prepares meals, desserts and much more that looks exactly like it should if from a recipe - like when a recipe is from Gourmet magazine, it looks exactly like the picture on the cover. Let's just say, I have burned popcorn, made a turkey pie evapourate in the oven and too many times to count screwed up in the kitchen. Thank goodness I am dating a Chef. I think the only "food gene" I got from her is my love for Peanut Butter, as she has admitted to eating it by the spoon as well. Nurture vs. Nature? Who knows....

If you know me, and you were reading my Facebook posts on which bedding I should choose for my room renovation, you will already have an idea that a lot of time and money went into the bedding I have right now. So much so, it was practically on a lay-a-way plan. Ok, well the items were on hold and I went back each week to pick up one pillow sham here, one duvet cover there. I have no shame, they offer that service at the store because they know people like me need it. Restoration Hardware is a magnificent store and I finally chose the hotel embroidered bedding in black and white, and decided against the monogrammed sheets. It was a difficult decision, but I can always get monogrammed bedding next time. My sheets are 700 thread count, 100% cotton hotel sheets and yes, sheets make a difference. If you want amazing sheets, go to Homesense. Editors Note: I bought a queen sheet set for $225 at RH and got the 700 thread count at Homesense for $70 - needless to say the $225 sheets are a lower thread count and are my second back up, meaning the third set I use when I change my sheets...I feel that your bedroom is an extension of who you are. It is your resting place, which should be tranquil, comfortable and beautiful. I like to be surrounded by beauty although you would never know it looking out my kitchen window at the flashing lights of Jilly's. I painted my room Light Silver Sage, again, from Restoration Hardware. It is a blue, but soft, metal like blue. It looks fantastic in every light and perfectly compliments my bedding. Do you remember "Lights Out?", needless to say, if I didn't spend all my money on sheets, my power most likely wouldn't have been turned off. A girl has to have her priorities! I was told by some serious decorators, I just had to have throw pillows because my bed looked naked - well we couldn't have that so I picked up two at Urban Barn and found two satin fuchsia pillows on my trip to Montreal - for $4.50 a piece - best buy of the year! My bedroom is now complete, perhaps an armoir in the future as my closet space is lacking, but I can make do for now. My room is also an Audrey room, meaning, all of the pictures on each wall, are different Audrey Hepburn pictures - which of course are all beautiful because she is.

This one was made for me for my birthday - the inspiration for the Audrey room

Now it is time to decorate the rest of my apartment. I have been there for 5 years and now that the bedroom looks great, I need to paint my walls everywhere else. I have been so conflicted for years on what colour to choose. I finally decided on a deep gray which will look amazing with white or deep purples. Looking at Moroco Chocolat confirmed my decision on the dark gray and increased my love for deep purple. I need to get the huge black and white picture of the Eiffel tower from Ikea and a 42" flat screen oh and of course a new couch - an L shaped one would work perfectly my living room, but I just can't decide for sure. My plan was to have all of this done by Christmas, but it may not happen that way. Slowly but surely, I just need to have the painter come and do it once I choose all of my colours. I think 2010 will be an excellent year, and to start it off with an even more fabulous apartment, would be ideal. I don't want to move, although my landlord is a complete jerk because I am very attached to my apartment but I need to feel inspired and refreshed and making over my apartment as well as myself will be part of the overall transformation!

Back to my main point, I love my bed. I love sleeping in, laying in it and each morning I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. With the not so phony next to me, holding me, it is so cozy, warm and oh so comfortable - I hate getting out. He is like my very own heated blanket. Not so fun in the summer, but perfect right now and until about March. In fact I get miserable when the alarm goes off. I snooze numerous times because it is just so unfair. I wish it was 6pm, the end of the day and I can get back into bed. The cold walk to the shower, waiting for the hot water, coming out of the hot water into cool air - it is torture. I do love it cold, but first thing in the morning after being oh so warm? I have to think about Starbucks to get my motivated. It is almost time to bring out the heavy duvet cover that makes it even more difficult to get out of bed in the morning. My mother got a beautiful bed set for me years ago and this duvet cover is so heavy I put a goose down duvet and a comforter inside of it. Then on top of it I put my duvet cover with another down duvet in that so I have 5 layers on top of me. It is heavy. It is heaven. I cannot even describe what it feels like. Once I am under that thing, I have no chance in the morning. I find myself thinking about it while I am at work.

Ok, so yes, I wrote almost an entire blog about my bed - I do love my bed, I told you!!

As for exercise - again, lazy this week - I am going to go tonight because I am telling you that I am going tonight. I am tired and right now all I can think about it my bed after all this pillow talk - but goodness gracious me, my reward tonight can be crawling in after my shower feeling good about working my phat ass off. Boooo to exercise, cold air and feeling like crap because I haven't run in a few days. I will change that tonight.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Me at Venice Beach, California February 2008 - added pic because it was fun and warm!

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 10

2009-11-02T09:55:00.004-05:00

Sorry to disappoint, not in the 1's this week. I watched what I ate, I exercised but no decrease. In fact, an increase. See numbers below - booooooooo.

Week 10 Numbers Game:

Weight: 203lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 0

Lbs gained this week: 2

Lbs Lost thus far: 16

Lbs still needed to lose: 34+19

Desserts consumed: 1/2

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0

KM walked: 39KM

Zumba Classes: 0

Booty Camp Classes: 0

Glasses of Shiraz: 3

Poutine: 0

Mimosas: 0

Emotional Breakdowns: 0

Excuses: Just a few...I got my Phat ass moving this week...

Well, I cannot lie, I am disappointed. I will get there. At moments like this, I can only think about what will it take for me to lose the weight. I don't want to sound like a whiner, all I can say is that I will do better this week and get a better result for reveal week 11. I worked out 3 times this week - and I ran half of one of them so that is promising, but I am not kicking my phat ass into gear as much as I should be. I am not eating as much fruit or vegetables as I was in the beginning - so I need to focus on that. I feel that I am just in hibernation mode - I need to get WiFit I think - that may help a bit. I heard another story of someone losing like 50lbs on it - so it obviously has to work and oh so convenient - how can I resist? I need to look into it and anyone who is reading who has it? Please give me advice - do I need the balance board thing? What games should I get? I like the idea of tennis, running and other stuff - boxing maybe? I need help with this and a starting point so any tips would be great.

I need to get rid of bread and pasta. I am eating less of it, for sure...but it is so comforting. The reason it comforts me is because I feel full, and the Phat acts as a cushion around my bones - again, I am used to this protection and it is hard to let go I guess subconsciously. I can tell the difference in how my clothes fit and the scale can reflect different things at different times of the month for women. I think I am going to buy an electronic Weight Watchers scale to be as accurate as possible - it will tell me I am 203.4 as opposed to 203. My scale right now I jump on 10 times and it gives me different numbers each time off a pound here, add a pound there - so I don't feel it is as accurate as it could be. Despite what the scales says, I have a LONG way to go - but still have the passion to want to get there.

Halloween is over, which means the Christmas (yes, I said Christmas - my blog, my political correct-ness) season is upon us. In the next couple of days, you will notice that there are decorated Christmas trees, lights and decorations everywhere. Last week I got excited that the Starbucks cozies changed to the holiday ones, soon it will be the red cups with snowflakes on them, filled with Creme Brulee lattes (which are in stores today). Say goodbye to the fall Pumpkin Spice Latte - sorry Baby Momma and say hello to Christmas, although almost 2 months away. Tis the season for chocolate, cookies, cakes, food in excess and putting on the POUNDS. I really want to get through this season with pounds lost, not the pounds back from Jamaica with their new boyfriends in tow. Temptation will be everywhere and I have to prepare myself. Be strong. Stay strong. Remain focused. No to shortbread. No to the endless chocolate, dinners, holiday get togethers etc. I can go, I just need to not say "oh well, tis the season!" and proceed to stuff my face until I am in pain - I need to think of my Phat ass and the neck phat, and the pigeons in the spring who will sit there gawking if the vacationing phat returns. No to the cookie exchange party I was invited to - although if I participate I could give my cookies to homeless people... going to that party, as much as I would love to, is like a drug addict going to a heroin party. Just not the best idea for me as a recovering cookie addict.

That is something I want to do this year, donate my time to a homeless shelter and put smiles on faces of those less fortunate. Give to receive so much more than gifts wrapped in crisp holiday themed paper and sparkly bows. Feel the warmth of what an hour or two can give to someone who essentially has nothing. I could also visit the elderly this season. I love older people. They have seen so much, have so much knowledge of life and sadly, could feel alone this time of year. My heart aches to think noone visits them or spends time with them or anyone at this magical time of year could feel alone. I know how it can feel and I can handle it myself.

I have woken up in a different city alone on Christmas as my best friend was in Italy at the time (where I usually spend Christmas) so I booked a vacation for myself in Charlevoix, Quebec at Le Manoir Richelieu http://www.fairmont.com/Richelieu?cm_mmc=icppc-_-Branded-LMR%20-%20Le%20Manoir%20Richelieu%20-%20Canada-_-google-_-manoir+richelieu. It was weird, but my Christmas Eve was one of the best I had ever had. I went for an exfoliating massage, then for a long walk, came back to my room which had fruit skewers and hot chocolate sauce for dipping. I went to the hot springs, sat in the springs outside while perfectly formed snowflakes fell around me, melting on my skin on impact. Celine Dion's Christmas album played on the speakers - this was lovely, but to some of you I am sure it could be dreadful. It truly felt magical and I will never forget it. I went ice skating, then went to the theatre room and watched You've Got Mail in the evening - which is one of my favourites. When I went back up to my room, a stocking stuffed with fruit and chocolate was on my bed - Santa had dropped it off...I woke up Christmas morning like it was any other day. People called me, but I was ok. I have faced waking up on Christmas morning alone, but I was in a luxury hotel which wasn't so bad. It just breaks my heart to think of someone else feeling alone.

I need to look into this. I need to finally fill out my Big Sister application form and send it in also. Do the things that will make a difference in other people's lives, as opposed to worry about how phat I feel on a day to day basis. I have enough love in my heart to share with other people, so why not show that compassion to strangers? It could enrich their life, as well as my own. I am sure it would make a difference to someone - as I know something little to me, could mean so much to someone else - as I have experienced in my own life. People have done incredibly small things that they may not have realized what a huge impact and difference it had made in my life.

What do you want to do to make a difference?

Blog Soon,
PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal Week 9 - Part Deux

2009-10-27T11:58:00.003-04:00

Week 9 Numbers Game:

Weight: 201lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs Lost thus far: 18
Lbs still needed to lose: 32
KM walked: 13km - since last night :)

As promised, here are my numbers. I am shocked since I barely exercised...but hey, look how close I am to the 1's! I walked last night, as much as I didn't want to. I remember Dr. Mike used to say to me that you can say you don't want to go, but follow it with "but I am going to go anyway". So last night, my walk is dedicated to Dr. Mike - who I really really wish was still here to talk to. I miss him. A little update on this....I am on a waitlist for another one, so we will see in two months what happens. I did find an office, and I had an appointment with one, but I looked his name up and he was charged with sexual misconduct with a patient two years ago and lost his license for 6 months - needless to say, I cancelled.

As for tonight, walking with Charmaine so that will be fun! Walking without my ipod last night was difficult, but I got through it. I walked by someone's house that was fully decorated Christmas style - no, not just the outdoor lights that were left up from last year, the tree and decorations are up already, plus the cards from last year posted for people to see. There are some seriously ridiculous people out there....it isn't even November yet....I love Christmas, and I get very excited with the first snowfall - and yes, I am going to see a Christmas tree and decor in New York in 38 sleeps - but come on people - Toronto? Christmas on October 26th? Ridiculous.

Coming up this week? My take on Christmas - may the food frenzy begin....

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 9

2009-10-26T11:14:00.003-04:00

Week 9 Numbers Game:

Weight: Unknown-I didn't weigh myself this morning but will update tomorrow first thing...Lbs Lost this week: TBC
Lbs Lost thus far: TBC
Lbs still needed to lose: Many
Desserts consumed: Moroco Chocolat in Yorkville is all I can say
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 4
KM walked: 0 - oh yeah, BRUTAL
Zumba Classes: 0
Booty Camp Classes: 1
Glasses of Shiraz: 2
Poutine: 0
Mimosas: 2
Emotional Breakdowns: 1
Excuses: Too many to put down here...

Ok. Tonight is the night. I am back at walking because I can't feel a huge difference. I am at a point where I am getting L.A.Z.Y. as I told you in my last post - but really, I did one class this past week - mind you, booty camp is no small feat. I was in pain for 3 days afterwards - I have never done so many lunges and squats - did I mention this class was outside? My friend Stacey brought me and she was certain I would be cursing her name in the morning - don't worry honey, it wasn't the next morning, it was the morning after! It hurt, but it was a hurt that felt good if you know what I mean. I didn't walk this week. What is happening to me? I am still watching what I eat, so I haven't completely gone off course but I do need to get back into it tonight. I have a guest walker again tomorrow - thank goodness - Charmaine will be joining me again. Like I said, the cool air makes me just want to stay under blankets, inside, get all comfy and cozy and just relax. Hibernate like a polar bear. I tell ya, if I don't start walking again, I will be the size of a polar bear, but not that cute.

I need to start writing more per week - no more once a week although I know some of you look forward to this one - maybe that is what the problem is. It doesn't help that my laptop is out of sorts right now - so it will be easier once I get that issue fixed. I want to look fabulous for my favourite city in 39 days, so gotta get my ass in gear. I feel like I have gained possibly a couple of pounds, so we will see first thing tomorrow. I didn't weigh myself this morning - maybe that is a sign? Maybe I have truly given up now? How could I not remember before I walked out the door? or when I first woke up? The scale was put back in my bathroom, so maybe that's why. Anyway, I will do it first thing when I wake up tomorrow and see where I am at. For those who read today hoping for the number, my sincerest of apologies, but you will have it tomorrow.

I was taunted by the chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks this morning....I still didn't give in. That is the first time in a while. I did go to Dimmi in Yorkville on Friday for dinner, had incredible company, but also had the most amazing goats cheese, chicken and roasted red pepper thin crust pizza of my life - this pizza is not on the menu, they made it for me and I tell ya, it was heaven. The perfect combination of food I have ever known. Equal to eggs benedict (which I will tell you about the BEST in the city in just a minute). The conversation turned to shows from the 80's, including Romper Room - the one where the host called out names in the "magic" mirror and her friend "Doobie" the bee? Take a minute and think about that if you haven't already. Disturbing. From there, the 20 minute workout came up in conversation.

Now, I don't know about you, but do you remember the 20 minute workout? Those three girls, sometimes more, in a studio, with different bright colour outfits on? We pulled up the video on my Blackberry and were shocked at the results. I remember the cool colourful outfits and the big hair - but did not remember at the age of 8, how inappropriate it actually was. All I remember is "one and two and three and four, take it the right, and left, and right, and left, now take it to the bridge". That is what I remembered. I didn't remember that it was softcore porn. It looked like a workout to me at that age and back then there wasn't even swearing allowed on TV, let alone porn. The camera angles? wowsers. You get EVERY angle of these girls. The positions? The open mouths? I never "workout" like that with my friends, nor am I that close to someone when I "workout". They aren't "working out" that hard either, in fact, I don't really think it should have been called a "workout" perhaps working girls? 20 Minute Working Girls would make more sense to me looking back. This show was definitely created, filmed and produced by a man. Also, what kind of work out can you get in 20 minutes? This video wouldn't fly these days - unless you needed some entertainment. Take a look for yourself:

Maybe if I "workout" like this I could lose the remaining weight in about 10 years, as opposed to May 2010. There is nothing else left to say, I just needed to share this with you because it certainly provided endless entertainment and an in awe response both Friday and Sunday.

Sunday. Baby Momma's Non-Baby Shower. Shout out to Baby Momma, What? What! Coming from the most fabulous of ladies, could we expect nothing short of a fabulous non-baby shower? I must say, and not to offend anyone, but this was the best non-baby shower I have ever been to. We went to Moroco Chocolat in Yorkville http://www.morocochocolat.com/. Did you follow the link? Need I say more? Not only is the ambiance magnificent, and you walk through a bright and modern chocolat shop on the way in, the dark grey and rustic purple walls, furnishings and accent pillows were fantastique! Greeted with Mimosas (amazing touch Baby Momma) and the best eggs benedict served with greens accompanied with a lovely light dressing - the difference between this eggs benedict and any other is that they put butter on the toasted english muffin. Also, they also sprinkle it with Gruyere Cheese. Phenomenal. I didn't think that I could love eggs benedict more, but I do now. My second serving of it since I started my blog / new lifestyle and every bite was worth every calorie / fat gram counted. I am happy to say that it is my new favourite restaurant in the city. I do LOVE Sassafraz for brunch, don't get me wrong, but I need to go back to Moroco immediately. In fact, I am waiting to confirm brunch plans this Sunday. I tried bites of the banana pancakes and berry crepes, but did I mention the dessert trays presented at each table? Spring rolls filled with chocolat, peanut butter and banana, to be dipped in the caramel sauce. Decadent mini brownies, heart shaped chocolate raspberry cake, mini shortbread cookies to be dipped in the raspberry coulis. I had dessert. Who are we kidding? The coffee? An Americano, served with a mini chocolat with caramel on the inside. Yes, I put it in my coffee. There aren't enough words that I can think of to express my love for this place. I was ready to move in after sitting in the most comfortable and gorgeous couch ever. The bathrooms were even more gorgeous. The service was spectacular. Our server was not only extremely attractive, he was extremely attentive. The company was incredible and I felt so lucky and honoured to be included and surrounded by such a fabulous group of women. Cheers to J.B.D., Baby Momma and all of the lovely ladies who made the shower such a magnificent event to be a part of.

Tonight? Walk my ass off AS SOON AS I GET HOME. No more excuses L.A.Z.Y. PFF! After that chocolat and not walking for almost a week, lets pull it together and get it done!

Exercise this week: Try to think of decorating my apartment to look like Moroco Chocolat. Rustic purple, dark charcoal grey.....gorgeous. Walk tonight, tomorrow with guest walker, Raptors home opener Wednesday....walk Thursday & Friday. Enjoy another brunch at Moroco Chocolat Sunday and blog more this week.

Blog Soon,

PFF

p.s. The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 9 part 2 - weight tomorrow.

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 8

2009-10-19T09:55:00.005-04:00

Week 8 Numbers Game:
Weight: 203 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs Lost thus far: 16
Lbs still needed to lose: 34
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0
KM walked: 13
Zumba Classes: 0
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 0
Turkey Overload: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 0
Excuses: 4

OK, I admit it. I have been L.A.Z.Y. Ever since that food filled weekend of Thanksgiving, I have felt so uninspired. I feel like I will start to gain weight now especially with only 13km walked in the past week. That is disappointing and trust me, I wish I could lie to all of you and say yes, I walked 52km this week. The trouble is, I am a very honest person, to a fault at times. I started this blog to be held accountable not only to myself but to all of you who read, who support me and have read through my tears, frustration and anger. I am sorry to disappoint myself, but I am even more sorry and embarrassed to disappoint all of you.

A dear girlfriend said is all I have to do it jump back on the wagon - get back into it. Although that sounds promising and positive, it is much easier said than done. It is cool outside, and I am a suck. I want to stay inside, wrapped in blankets, watching TV, or movies, or reading a book drinking a glass of wine. I want to sleep. I want to be cozy. It is cold out there and it is only going to get colder. Do you see the excuses I end up making? Excuses that should easily be kicked out of my head because I want to be fit and fabulous but how can I get there if I sit on my phat ass eating popcorn, or drinking wine? It is only a matter of time that I start to gain - notice the last two weight reveals have been disappointing, 1lb here and 1lb there - enough to make me want to give up. This is where I have failed before. I give up. I get lazy and give up. I start to reason with myself how it is ok that I look the way I do - I am ok like this. I have made a difference already, whats so bad about losing only 16lbs? That is quite an accomplishment, no?

The problem is, at this point, I start to eat again, stop exercising all together and give up. Until 20lbs gained down the road, I am miserable and sad because I hate my body. I want to stop the cycle, but it is so hard. Sure it is difficult along the way, but the past two weeks - introducing so much food during that four day Holiday weekend did me in. Too much food. I felt disgusting after eating so much but then I got lazy. Its like something clicked inside of me that said "what is the point?" I tell you, once I am on the path to something positive, I always have a way of self sabotaging the progress. I have no idea why. Do I think I don't deserve it? Or is it a way for me to continually live behind my excuses - I can't accomplish this because I am phat...or I will never be married because of the way I look....or I can't look good because I don't fit into clothes that would make me look amazing...come to think of it, I use my weight as a form of self sabotage. It is my protection. It is something that I have always counted on, it has always been there. I know that it is always there to protect me so letting it go, means I have to live with who I am without the access. Who am I without the weight? Will I still have "Such a pretty face" or will I still be the one who jokes around about how big I am before others get a chance to? Will I be as funny? Will I be as friendly? What if I am arrogant? I notice that when I gain weight I become more angry and bitter against things, so that will be improved once some of the weight is gone, right? I always imagine what a knock out I will be once the weight is gone, but I find myself always at one point through the process holding myself back. Why wouldn't I want to be a knock out? I would be gorgeous. Men would stop and stare and I could have them eating out of the palm of my hand. I would go on dates just to see how they act around me. How they would try and impress me. How different they would be. I wouldn't be the one left wanting more, I would be a heartbreaker - and would enjoy every second of it. Payback. Ok, that is a little harsh, but still, would love to know how it feels to be a piece of arm candy. I would be like Peanut Butter M&M's arm candy.

I don't know, the more I babble on here, the more I want to lose it just to know that I can actually do it. I always want to start a new life, move to New York, start over again. Maybe by losing the remaining 34lbs I will be able to have a new lease on life. It will be the beginning of a healthier, happier life that I have always hoped and dreamed of. It is attainable and I have to keep that in my head rather than how good that blanket feels on me. How good that chocolate tastes. How good a whole pizza would be. This past weekend was pretty rough and I almost ordered a medium walk in special at Pizza Pizza - I was like who cares...then I thought again and made a lean cuisine mini pizza at home and ate that instead. I could literally taste the goodness of the pepperoni and cheese with the lightly done crust with garlic dipping sauce and I didn't do it. Can I tell you deep down I know what the right thing to do is, regardless of wanting to give up - I just need to get off my ass this week and work it. Then perhaps, possibly I could reach under 200 and that would feed my ego enough to keep going for a while longer, and then a little while after that.

A friend of mine invited me to BootyCamp on Wednesday, and I am going! I am taking my Phat Bootay and going to camp it outside for a class. I remember I did a bootcamp class at a gym years ago and it nearly killed me. I have never seen a more energetic teacher in my life. I am looking forward to the class because maybe, just maybe, it will kick my Phat ass into gear to keep going for the next 34lbs. My plan also includes after I reach 50lbs, to go 19lbs more - but I want to see how I do with the first 50lbs, if I can actually reach that goal.

Here is hoping for the best!

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Phony Reveal

2009-10-14T15:47:00.003-04:00

Ok.

So, if you have been following my blog from the beginning, you may have noticed that I have had some issues in the L.O.V.E. department. Confusion, frustration, sadness, visions of setting someone on fire and the list goes on.

Dropping the 220lbs in August should have been easy, but alas, it was not. I let the "Phony" go with comedy but truthfully I missed my friend. I wanted more. I needed more. I deserved more. He wasn't giving me what I need, and no matter how many times I tried to explain to him - he didn't seem to get it. Dropping the focus on that, allowed me to focus on myself, my blog, my weight - and most importantly my long term goal of being Fit and Fabulous. With my goal still the focus, I have been harbouring feelings and events that have happened with regards to the "Phony" until I was sure. I have been confused enough myself, with the the man that was in my dreams, to my own feelings, not knowing where I wanted to see myself. Time has revealed that through all the frustration, the drama, the outbursts, the breakdowns - this one man has shown me he is there. He is a rock. He is a man that I can count on no matter what. A man that sees me for me, accepts me for who I am, ALL of my faults and is so calm. I have no idea how to be like that myself but maybe he can try to teach me how. When I lose my mind, my patience, when I cry - he is there - holding me, telling me everything will be ok. It is so clear to me now. These are things that I have wished for in a man for years, and it is right in front of me. In the beginning, when I told him about my past that haunted me, he gave me the reaction I had wanted and hoped for from a man that I would share that extremely personal information with. He respects my strength, he is supportive, nurturing, caring, a great communicator, he tells me when I am wrong and doesn't let me push him around. He holds the door, does my dishes and shows me he cares by being there. He answers my million calls each day, asks me why, never raises his voice and has slowly opened up to me by sharing important moments with him and his family.

EVERYONE has their issues, there are issues he has, there are issues that I have and as far as I am concerned, we can work on them together.

I miss him when he is sitting beside me and I get butterflies when I know I am going to spend time with him. It isn't fake. I have tried my best to push him away every single chance I have had, and he hasn't left. He is still there, willing to care for me just the same, even more everyday. I am extremely lucky, and so is he, don't get me wrong. Who knows what the future holds, it could end tomorrow. All I know is that I will do my best to not push him away anymore and enjoy the moments I share with him instead of trying to give him an out. Editor's Note: He read "Dropping the Phony", and is still around - say much about him?

Editor's Note: To be respectful of the not so Phony, I will no longer mention him after this post.

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Post Turkey Big Phat Weight Reveal Week 8

2009-10-13T14:45:00.002-04:00

Weight: 204 lbs post turkey / refer to Pre Turkey Weight Reveal from Friday....

Lbs Lost this week: 0

Lbs Lost thus far: 15

Lbs still needed to lose: 35

Desserts consumed: 0

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0

KM walked: 13 - BOO I am losing my positive attitude.

Glasses of Shiraz: 2

Poutine: 0

Turkey Dinners: 3 in 3 days

Suffered from Turkeyitis: 1

Emotional Breakdowns: 2

Ok so I didn't gain, but I didn't keep the 2lbs I lost as of Friday off. I was 202lbs (so close to the 1's) at the pre turkey but this morning I was 204. It could change throughout this week - and I do have to get my butt in gear. I feel sad. I feel tired. I feel that although I controlled myself with the turkey dinners - yesterday I went off with Rice Balls. They are heaven. I had 8. Yes, they are deep fried, rice with egg and cheese - I don't know how to describe it but I was down and out for the turkey count and couldn't eat any more. I was more than stuffed like a turkey.

All I can say is that I really wish I had Mike to talk to right now. I miss him so much. I have found another office covered by OHIP which is helpful I just have to get a referral - the thing that sucks is that its like I have to start all over. What a waste. It still doesn't seem real. That is how I feel right now, started last night - I don't know why - maybe because I am tired from all the turkey and hate the feeling of being so full now - it just leads into a somewhat depression. Who knows, all I know is I hope this feeling passes because it is crappy with a CAPITAL C.

As for my Turkey dinner on Friday night, I had the best co-host anyone could ask for who did basically everything. I mean, unbelievable. Thank you and serious shout out to Baby Momma! From the fabulous turkey to the fabulous cupcakes (what!what!) to the amazing brie and black current sensation - the best turkey dinner ever. To those who joined, to those who cleaned my kitchen using my bath towel to dry dishes and reorganizing everything to make it make sense - I thank you. To those who pulled out the drill at 11pm and started putting up my picture of Audrey - thank you thank you thank you - gotta love a girl who can work a drill! Also, for bringing chairs since I ran short...everyone who was there who made me feel loved and full of thankfulness and made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants 5 times. For all the wine, laughs, great food and amazing company - thank you all for coming and sharing my favourite holiday with me. Saturday I had a birthday dinner at the Olive Press in Oakville - the most incredible salad I ordered - after having some leftover stuffing and corn for Brunch while standing in the kitchen. Ok, some Brie too. The salad though was chicken and goats cheese and was amazing - it had this thick yogurt tzatziki dip for the chicken - well that is what I used it for - phenomenal. There was a snack table back at my friend's house and I nibbled on a few items but nothing crazy - I was full. Sunday, I went to not "Phony" anymore sister's house and had an amazing time with his family for a lovely and delicious lunch / dinner. Editor's Note: Progress has been made, details may or may not come later with not so phony anymore...but all I can say is this man has an incredible heart and puts up with a lot from me. That was very meaningful to me.

Then of course for my best friend's birthday, plus the most incredible turkey dinner - home of the rice balls, delicious turkey, stuffing and everything else - I went into a turkey coma about 10 minutes in. I had to go off and lay down for the rest of the evening...not pretty. I am surprised I didn't gain 10lbs just over the weekend - but I am ok with being the same as last week.

Oh That Feather.

Exercise Today: Recover from Turkey Overload, work game tonight, walk tomorrow - no excuses.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Pre-Turkey Big Phat Weight Reveal

2009-10-09T12:56:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I know this doesn't really count for anything, but I weighed myself this morning and I was 202lbs. This is just so you know that after this food filled weekend, I was on the right track and it would have been a loss - for SURE. Let's hope it is a loss still, but I am just sayin'

Happy Thanksgiving to all you Turkeys out there!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Lighten Up Already!

2009-10-07T14:24:00.011-04:00

Ok, so I am going to try and be lite (no pun intended) and humorous today. I can't guarantee I will succeed, but boy will I try.

Let's lighten things up shall we?

I feel that my last few posts have been blah-gs as oppose to the inspirational and positive blogs I have been trying to create and keep up over the past almost two months. So today, I will do my best to keep it light and airy, to ensure I don't lose any readers with my doom and gloom that has seemed to plague me over the past few days.

I love sunshine, I love turkey and I love that this upcoming weekend is Thanksgiving. When September hits and the air becomes cool, it all comes down to this wonderful weekend. I am hosting a Turkey dinner on Friday, attending a birthday dinner at a fabulous Italian restaurant on Saturday, another Turkey lunch on Sunday and then ANOTHER Turkey Linner on Monday. This weekend is FULL of food and I am sure I will experience some Turkey Overload. Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? Stuffing the bird to only stuff ourselves like a bird? Giving thanks to the Turkeys from heaven that feed us on this lovely holiday? Turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey pot pie, turkey scallopini, turkey with cheese, turkey cupcakes with gravy flavoured icing? *(shoutout to Baby Momma http://www.thecupcakeryto.com/)*, turkey a la fraishe? Turkey and peanut butter? maybe not the best idea....but I will try anything out once or maybe twice....especially if it involves peanut butter.

This weekend will be one of indulgence. I am afraid of the Big Phat Weight Reveal on Monday, since I will be three Turkey dinners in. I wont stuff myself like crazy, but with all that stuffing, how can I resist? I have turkey fever and I don't know if it will break.

Turkey Fever sounds like a fabulous Turkey Gaga song, that would play at Turkey Overload - the hottest club in the T Dot. Turkeys could stand at the door to check id, take your coat (or extra feathers depending on who you are) and keep the "undesirables" aka pigeons, out. I have a feeling Turkeys are a little snobby since they are such a beloved bird used to celebrate our favourite times of year.

The VIP section would be off the chain, or fence I guess in this scenario. Turkeys wearing bling. Once inside, guests could sip on gravy shots, mashed potato flavoured aperitifs and court each other all the while kickin' it old school on the dance floor to some 50 cent & Eminem or just get crumped. Imagine if there was a separate low lit, slow jam room called "Beaks" for some Turkey Rap Battles? Imagine rapping turkeys. Referencing their hard lives in the pen - literally. I bet the best dealers in the city would be at this room in particular. I imagine Turkeys need some serious mellowing out time just like the rest of us from the stress and worries of ending up on a dining room table and just feel the need to puff on some weeds. Sexy Turkeys would strut around providing bottle service which would include some Veuve Cliquot champagne, Grey Goose vodka and Patron tequila. Turkeys livin' on the down low. Turkeys keeping it real. This could all happen, Turkeys could just be themselves at Turkey Overload.

I should consider trying this business venture. How successful would this be?

Editors Note: please don't mistake my obsession with Turkeys today as a replacement for my love for pigeons....its only because it is Thanksgiving this weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone....celebrate with your family, your friends and those you love. I know I will be thinking about how much everyone means to me, shed some tears for those who are no longer with us and spend time thinking about those positive, loving, adoring people who I am lucky to surround myself with.

Exercise today: 13km with Charmaine my fabulous guest walker tonight! Can't wait!!

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 7

2009-10-05T09:50:00.001-04:00

So, another week has passed:
Week 7 Numbers Game:
Weight: 204 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs Lost thus far: 15
Lbs still needed to lose: 35
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0
KM walked: 26
Zumba Classes: 1
Glasses of Shiraz: 2
Poutine: 0 Emotional Breakdowns: 1

Well, let's just say today is ok considering I barely walked this past week and this past weekend I indulged. I didn't eat completely horribly, but I did consume wayyy too much food - plus I ate pasta - which I haven't had in 6 weeks now. I need to step it up, bigtime. Tonight? Walk. Tomorrow? Walk after hockey game. Wednesday? Walk with Guest Walker....looking forward to it.

I received some very sad news this past weekend, hence the 1 emotional breakdown. My therapist died. Yes, I have a therapist. No, I am not crazy. Ok, well maybe a little. Not crazy, but absolutely emotional, but for some fairly good reasons you may or may not be aware of. Last year a very awful thing happened and tied with my past, my history, my childhood, it was recommended that I seek the help of a professional. Plus, I didn't want to feel so angry, defensive and frustrated all the time and wanted to change it. Change it like I am trying to change my weight and the way I feel - it all goes together - healthy mind, healthy body, healthy body, healthy mind. I hit a low, and went through four doctors before finding Dr. Mike. Funny enough, I was told more than once that my "issues" were beyond their realm of experience. Not Dr. Mike. This funny, wonderful man helped me see things I couldn't see for myself. He helped me look at things in a different light and help me realize that I took things to heart that I shouldn't. We worked through a lot of pain and I could never repay him for that. He had the ability to make me laugh through really rough patches and even through my breakdowns in his office. I wish he was here right now to help make me feel better, or to make me laugh, but he is gone. I found out on Saturday that he died suddenly on September 22, 2009 and I only found this out when I called again to try and make an appointment that his practice had permanently closed. Tragic. He was in his late forties. I still don't even know what happened. I just know the last time I talked to him he was in the hospital and told me he would call me last week to book our next appointment.

A good and smart man who was there for me, even though he was covered through healthcare - he was someone who I could depend on week to week to be there for me. Be there no matter what, 24 hours a day if I needed him. I have never had a male figure in my life that I could depend on like that. Although what crossed my mind when he didn't call me to rebook was that he didn't want to see me anymore, proves that I still have a lot of work left to do. I miss him already. Drinking his diet pepsi, writing his notes with his cute bee kleenex boxes, New York Times magazines in the dimly lit waiting area and his incredibly sarcastic and witty sense of humour. He is gone. Just like that. I feel incredibly sad and just now, had to leave my computer because I was crying writing this. Imagine, someone you confide in all the time, who understands you, who knows you and has never hurt you, only helps you. Someone you depend on. I feel like I have lost a good friend, and those are very hard to find like I have mentioned in previous blogs.

It just makes me realize that life is so short. It is too short. I can't quite wrap my head around it. He wanted to read my blog and I kept telling him I would send it to him and then I never got around to it. I was excited because I just bought the Blackberry Bold and he showed me some tricks. Our last session we talked about my healthy lifestyle and how good I felt that people were responding so positively to what I was doing and I felt supported by many. I felt good and he was very happy for me because he had seen just over a year ago where I was and that now I felt so much better. Happier. Exactly what I was trying to accomplish.

Now, many of you may think "omigod, a little too personal" but this is my outlet right now since unfortunately my weekly outlet for getting through this life is now in a supposedly "better place". I feel awful for his children, his family, his other patients who may not be taking it as well as I am. I feel sadness that it is always the good ones that go - where there are so many awful people that live these long lives. Criminals for example. It makes me so upset because how are we suppose to understand why this happens? Mike was a good man, who helped many people. He just bought a new BMW the same week I bought by new car. He was very excited about it - they had lost the keys which delayed delivery for weeks. All I hope is that he at least got to drive it.

I feel so sad. The good thing is when I feel like this at this moment, the last thing I want to do is eat. I am sure one day I will find another doctor, but for now, I am just going to try and work through everything he taught me and remind myself of everything he helped with. Work through this pain. It doesn't even seem real yet. I still have the appointment in my calendar because I don't want to admit that he is actually not going to be there every Thursday for me to talk to anymore.

This will teach me something for sure. Right now all I can think is we need to cherish those around you as much as you possibly can because you never know the last time you see someone will actually be the last. Live every moment you can to the fullest. I think we tend to forget that in our busy day to day lives until something like this happens but as time goes by, we heal and then get all caught up again. Imagine if everyone lived celebrating life and those around them with as much love possible? I am sure we would all feel much more fulfilled.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Editor's Note: This just sucks. I will miss you Mike thank you for everything you helped me with, it will never be forgotten.

My One & Only True Love

2009-10-01T12:57:00.007-04:00

New York City.

These three little words send shivers up and down my spine.

The place I would move in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.

The place I have dreamed about immersing myself in for as long as I can remember.

The place where I will live one day, no matter what it takes.

My dream finally came true in 2007 when I made my way there when working for a luxury brand hotel company. Arriving at the airport, to the most exciting taxi ride of my life. The skyline took my breath away. The room nights were free, an incredible perk which totalled just over $3500 US. When I arrived, after the doorman opened the doors and welcomed me (by name) to the Four Seasons New York. I was notified there was a package waiting for me in my room. Once inside, a Tiffany blue box wrapped in white satin ribbon with a giftcard to thank me for all the hard work I had done. Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks, feeling incredibly touched and so special, this first time in NYC.

About thirty minutes after I had arrived, the doorbell rang and chocolate covered strawberries and sparkling water arrived with a card, letting me know to enjoy my time while I was there. Not only was I working for my dream company in my dream job, at that moment, I was experiencing the best first trip to NYC I think anyone could ever imagine.

I had high expectations, and they were exceeded. I always knew I loved New York from afar...tv shows, movies, print ads, music videos - to me it was / is the centre of the world. On that 2007 trip, I did many touristy things, had breakfast served to me in bed, went down to the steam room and whirlpool every morning, brunched at my favourite place and certainly enjoyed every moment I was there. So much to see and do, there was no chance to see everything. It would be impossible for anyone to try. That is only one of the many reasons why I love it so much.

I love New York City so much, that I am jealous of the squirrels in Central Park. Yes, weird, but oh so true. They get to live there. They get to live in the city that never sleeps. Pigeons have it good there too. I wonder if Duke, Meryl and the kids would follow me there.....mmmmm.

With my love for fall, I have never been there during this magical time, nor at Christmas. I have only visited in the summer months, and this past January - where it was so so so cold, I couldn't feel warmth no matter what and how I tried. I was there in April for a birthday celebration where I had the most fantastic time with some fabulous ladies....but again, New York needs me. To be honest, I need New York, now more than ever. I think The Big Apple will be very happy with the progress I have made and I need to represent. This is why I have decided to book another trip, the third one this year. I plan to enjoy every minute of it, yet again.

I will pack my bags and head down in December so I can see the gigantic Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Centre, the decorations throughout the city, sip on Starbucks Hot Chocolate while shopping for my friends and family for Christmas before going ice skating at Wollman Rink and again, Rockefeller Centre. Just thinking about this, brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. I need to personally wish NYC a very Merry Christmas, so timing is perfect.

Saks Fifth Avenue, Top of the Rock, Tao for dinner (best dinner of my life), Pastis for brunch and my first stop, Tiffany & Co. at 727 Fifth Avenue - my very own tradition now. Rat on a stick is a possibility, but not probable. Can I say Fanta? I found out about a fabulous deal, so I will book my flight tomorrow and countdown the days until I meet again with my one & only true love, New York.

Zumba! Zumba! Zumba!

On a side note, you know, the whole reason I write this blog.....I have been eating healthy and again went for an amazing run the other night....but last night for a change, I attended a class called Zumba in Oakville. If you have never heard of Zumba, it is "an exhilarating one hour blast of body-energizing, calorie-burning, heart-racing, muscle-pumping, aw-inspiring movements that will captivate you for life". The Routines feature interval training, fast and slow rhythms and resistance training. You will love burning fat and sculpting your body while enjoying the Latin flavour and international zest that is Zumba!

I quite enjoyed this, compared to the monotony of my every other day run / walk. This was quite a good workout and a lot of fun. The class was huge, so there was a lot of energy and many different people, different ages, sexes - but all had the same intent - to have fun and get fit. I loved the class and would do it again - it started with "Let's Get Loud" from JLO which always gets me energized for a workout. It doesn't take long to follow the steps to the beat of salsa, meringue, latin, belly and bollywood dancing and work up a sweat. Two more classes and I will get the full effects - but all in all, a fabulous class for you to mix up the monotony of a workout. I had fun and will definitely do it again. A special thank you to Andrea for introducing me to Zumba, who kicked ass in the class by the way and will be my Zumba partner fo life, fo sho!
Like I told her last night, Zumba receives a 5* Starbucks Cookie rating.

Visit http://www.zumbacan.com/ for Oakville and Mississauga classes.

Exercise Today: Start my fight against Peanut Butter M&M's tonight. Fight the power like Flavour Flav.....off tonight, somehow fit a 13km walk / run tomorrow evening....

Blog Soon,
PFF

Cravings, Cravings, Cravings

2009-09-29T10:41:00.011-04:00

Ok, so I am elated that I am starting to notice my body change. It is unfortunate, but this past Saturday, I found myself craving, craving, craving - everything. I wanted salt, sugar, a combination of both - but no matter what I snacked on or ate as my meal- the craving wasn't satisfied. Do you realize how frustrating that is? I just had to grin and bear it, let it pass - but it did seem to take its sweet and salty ass time.

Maybe its because now that it is beginning to look and feel like fall, I am craving comfort food more than ever. Mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy, apple crisp, pumpkin pie - I think it is a little dangerous to be craving all of these items when I will most likely have them in two weeks for Thanksgiving. Can we say Turkey Overload? I have three Turkey dinners slotted in, plus my best friend's birthday dinner - which will be fabulous. I do have to think about how I will face this food filled weekend - I will be sure to have activity each day next week, up until Friday night when I have my own Turkey dinner with those I love. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE this time of year and this holiday in particular? The only thing is, the colder it gets, the more I spend time indoors and then before you know it I am sitting in pj's on a cold and snowy day ordering in pizza because it is too nasty to go outside. I have thought about getting WI Fit for the winter months because the minus thirty wind chill will be difficult to run through - it always kills my lungs for hours afterwards - let me know your thoughts....

Yesterday, I went for my walk and I ran more than I have since I have started - which felt great. Remember, this is toward my new goal of running half way in 2 weeks from now. I worked my body hard, and it thanked me afterward. What was unexpected on my run was that I literally ran into an old and dear friend on the street corner. Just like a movie. Things happened just after college graduation and we haven't seen each other since then. We caught each others' eyes on the corner and spent a few minutes making small talk. You know, the easy questions - "What are you up to now?" and "How are you doing?" It was slightly uncomfortable, knowing what had happened in the past - but I got through it. Back then after everything happened, I had written letters to him that I never sent, telling him how sorry I was for everything and until I found him on Facebook about two years ago - I finally told him in an email how much I had missed the friendship we had shared. He was a man that when we were together, we laughed so much, I felt a genuine connection, although not a physical one. It wasn't about that. He was my dear, great friend. All those years, wondering what if I hadn't been so ridiculous, what if he believed the truth opposed to what he was told? When looking back on mistakes I have made in my life, he is one of the people I had missed and it made me sad to think about what a loss it truly was not having him in my life.

After we parted and I continued my walk, I started to reflect. Ten years have passed and I was reminded of how much I had missed him. I felt very close to him, trusted him as he was an amazing friend. Seeing him yesterday was nice, it was because I have wanted to see him for so long. I do also realize that we are completely different people now. He is living his own life and I am living mine. The comfort I once felt, is no longer there. So much time has passed. This brings me back to certain people come into your life at certain times for certain reasons. He was there back then and at that time perhaps it was exactly what I needed. All I know is that after last night, I received some closure and that felt wonderful. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad - it was genuine happiness to see him, but I can move forward not beating myself up for what I should / could have done differently. The one thing I know for sure, are the people who stick with you through everything. The misunderstandings, the distance, the time. You just pick up where you left off and know that no matter what, you can count on them.

I have no idea how or why this weather turns me into such a sap.

After my run, I went grocery shopping. I will prepare dinner tonight. I know that "they" say never to go shopping on an empty stomach - but I couldn't help it last night. I do know why they say that. Cravings, cravings, cravings....everywhere. Each step I took I wanted something different for dinner. I finally decided on a lean cuisine personal sized pizza - which was incredible by the way. I need to find more of those!

Exercise Today: Make dinner, perhaps run, perhaps not - still deciding. Taking a Zumba class tomorrow night - will let you know how that is and back to the ACC for the Leafs home opener Thursday.

Recommendations:

5* Starbucks Cookies

Mariah New Album Plug - Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel - released today!!!!

Dr. Dre - 2001 - best album of all time non Mariah - check it out it will make you run hard!

Have you downloaded Neil Diamond yet? This will make you enjoy working out, I promise....only one song though - that's all you need!

Blog Soon,

PFF

p.s. I want to hear from you if you have any suggestions or anything you would like to see more / less of on my blog to make it more enjoyable for you! If you like it the way it is, then wonderful!

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 6

2009-09-28T10:11:00.006-04:00

Week 6 Numbers Game:
Weight: 205 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 3

Lbs Lost thus far: 14
Lbs still needed to lose: 36
Desserts consumed: 2
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 3

KM walked: 20.8 KM - yes, I totally slacked off this week - but I will go tonight in the rain!!
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 0

Emotional Breakdowns: 1 - Frustration post says it all

Guest walkers: 1

I am not going to lie. I am starting to feel better about all of this, especially with 2 weeks straight of loss. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that I wasn't able to put on for the longest time, two years long - so that felt great. Also, when I look in the mirror, I am starting to see results in my lower back - so those pigeons will not be able to caww or purr or gawk at my back phat when I am choked by my own neck phat anymore! I know this will take time, but I am on the right path and I am proud that I am sticking to it so far. You never know, I may fall off the wagon, but I don't plan to. Not that anyone ever intends to, you just fall back into bad habits I think - or at least I do anyway hence why yet again, I am trying to lose the excess poundage.

Regarding "Frustration" earlier this week, although certain people say really stupid things sometimes, I have no control over that. What I do have control over is how I react and I need to start not turning those comments inward and take things so personally. He was an idiot man who said something stupid, probably not intending to hurt my feelings but just not thinking of the effects it may or may not have. Regardless, I thank all of you who sent your support regarding treating myself to popcorn. It would be ridiculous to imagine not ever having popcorn again, or having treats - I love food way too much - but everything now needs to be in moderation.

Yesterday, I went to Milestones for Brunch and had eggs benedict with a salad, dressing on the side. Sure, the hollandaise is what kills you - but I decided it had been 6 weeks since I had it and again, wanted to treat myself. I could have had scrambled egg whites, but I figured why not...I can't make Eggs Benedict so may as well order it. I also had a fabulous mimosa. I am not going to feel bad about it, because I know that I am doing well, I am working hard and in time I will get to where I want to be. There will be bumps in the road, mountains to climb and many more tears shed, but in the end, I will succeed. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I am the only one who can do this - who is doing this for me and I am the one that cares enough to make it happen for myself.

Many of you have shown kind support, encouraging words and I value that more than you could imagine. Thank you as always and believe me, it helps me every day.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Frustration

2009-09-23T11:01:00.004-04:00

Ok..So why can't people understand and realize how difficult this is? I think people can be so insensitive at times, or perhaps I am the most sensitive person on earth.

It is not easy for someone to admit their faults to everyone. Believe me. Think about the one thing you dislike about yourself (if you have something) and tell everyone about it. Something that you do, something that you have, something that you have done. Think about how difficult it would be to look at it in the face, broadcast it to everyone you know, your crush, your friends and just hope that you don't get criticized or judged on it. You can only hope for support, but then there is this one person that can say or look at you in one way, and bring you to tears. People are entitled to their opinions, of course, but sometimes, people should really think about what they say before saying it - or what the adverse effect it would have on someone's psyche. Really? Didn't we all learn when we were small, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all? I am guilty of this, but I am not one to judge my "friends" on their faults - I accept them for who they are and love them anyway.

It is bad enough that I am posting my weight to the world - which was my own choice, fine, I am bringing this upon myself maybe. I make each and every decision to make healthier choices for myself in order to reach my goal. So this morning, I was telling a co-worker about my fun experience at the movies last night where on Tuesday's with your ticket, you get a free regular popcorn and regular drink. Instead of saying "that is so cool" because he has kids he can take on a Tuesday, the first thing he said - was how much fat and salt are in popcorn and shook his head with that smart alec know it all expression on his face. I was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like a total jackass. I told him to not talk to me. I told him he was rude. I got extremely defensive and on the way back to the office, I walked away from him and went back on my own. Sure, this may sound dramatic, but I was livid. Actually, I felt like a hippo or a rhino. I made a choice yesterday to eat popcorn and have a diet pop - which since I have started my new regime, I haven't had. Yesterday I ate a variety of fruit for lunch. For breakfast? A non fat latte and lemon cranberry muffin that has 3 grams of fat. For Dinner? A lean cuisine that had 6 grams of fat. My intake was low. The volume of food was low. Sure, I didn't go for my walk - but I am going tonight for 13km - all that doesn't matter, just the fact that I am a fat cow eating popcorn at a movie just ruined everything I have accomplished or trying to accomplish going forward, right?

All of you reading can judge me if you want and think yes, she shouldn't have had popcorn. She is disgusting and no wonder why she is fat. Yes, the ugly fat. Not the fat I try to pretend it is by making it softer, or prettier with different letters.

I am crying with frustration right now because I am trying to do the right thing. By sharing my experience I thought I was doing a good thing here. A good thing for others to know they aren't alone in this battle. A good thing for others to relate to. A good thing for myself to help get through the hard times, the challenges, the frustrations and the emotional roller coaster this seems to be. This isn't easy and I told you from the beginning that I would share the good and the bad. The tears of frustration are here right now, and you get to see them up close and personal - as it is happening similar to a breaking news story on CNN.

Exercise Today: try to stop crying and feeling incredibly hurt and defeated because I ate popcorn. Think about how well I have done and focus on the positive feedback I have received instead of this insensitive jerk.

Blog soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 5

2009-09-21T13:38:00.012-04:00

So, another week has passed. I am happy to report the following:

Week 5 Numbers Game:

Weight: 208 lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 6 (this was due to retaining water like a PMSing desert animal)

Lbs Lost thus far: 11

Lbs still needed to lose: 39

Desserts consumed: 1

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1
KM walked: 53 KM (thank you guest walkers!)

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0
Emotional Breakdowns: 1.5

This is much harder than you can imagine, unless you are lucky enough to be challenging yourself with losing weight as well. Some seem to lose it much faster than others. I am not one that loses it quickly it seems. I know if I kick up my running game, I will start shedding perhaps 3lbs a week on the regular, so like I mentioned in my previous blog, my goal is to run at least half way of the 13km in the next 3 weeks. It is a goal that can change and I can extend if I need to, but that is what I am hoping for and working towards right now.

Guest Walkers (contact me if you would like to walk together 13km!)

Thank you to those who have walked along beside me. I have to say, it is so much fun having guests join me for my walks. It makes the time go by quickly and I love the conversations that happen. You can discuss a lot walking, especially if there is no running involved because you have just under two hours to kill time. I think with my newest goal to be met, I do need to step it up and run much more. Quit the talking, quit the lip syncing to songs and focus focus focus running up that Mount (not so) Pleasant Mountain. I have two guest walkers this week to look forward to because it feels more like a social occasion than a work out. To be honest, I do dread working out at times, thinking of how heavy my body feels trying to run. That's the part I dread. Its like a rhinoceros or a hippopotamus trying to run - picture it, as that's how heavy I feel. Mind you, a rhino or hippo with really great hair, but in the end, still a rhino or hippo. Thinking about that makes it easy to want to give up, but then I look at Eva Mendes in that one pic and I want to work that much harder to take those photos myself.

Editors Note: do you remember Hungry Hungry Hippos? I LOVED that game when I was little. I mentioned this in high school once and someone decided my name should be "Hungraay" so going forward, that's what he called me..it was cute for a while, but to think of it now, just a tiny bit insulting at the same time.

Although those game hippos are really cute, the real ones I must say are adorable. They are my favourite, same with the rhinoceroses. I wonder sometimes if they have the same issues I do. If they feel other animals are staring at them, watching what they eat...thinking if only they lost 10lbs or 50lbs that other hippos / rhinos would think they are cute enough to date? I wonder if Hippos stay at home on a Saturday night, having a glass of wine thinking "I really need to get out more, but this weight is really holding me back!" or if they have a problem every woman seems to, "I have nothing to wear"..although I suspect they are naked all the time anyway. Just putting it out there for everyone to see. I think these guys are really brave. Actually, maybe I should be more like them! Regardless, I really hope that other wildlife aren't making fun of them behind their backs or to their faces. My heart is soft for these guys, they are just so darn cute and I hope they find happiness and don't feel sad or bad about who they are or what they look like because that is not fun for anyone. Regardless, they should know that I love them for who they are, and think they are mighty fine just as they are.

On a side note, I went to Barfalo over the weekend. The name Barfalo came from a fabulous girl I used to work with. It is brilliant and completely fits what it encompasses. Buffalo is what others know it as. I must say I was there yesterday, and I have never seen so many morbidly obese people in my life - other than Disneyland in California. We went to the grocery store and there was only one isle of fruits and vegetables and everything else was processed food filled with sugars, syrups and names we can't pronounce. Just walking through the isles, made me feel so unhealthy. We were hungraay after our three hours of shopping, so we went to Pondorosa - yes, haven't been to one since I was 8 years old. The set up has changed, it is serve yourself and you can order something, but have access to the buffet with your order. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, cut the chicken up (sans the bun) and put it in salad from the salad bar. We also ordered a baked potato to go with our meal. My friend's baked potato had more "butter" on it then the size of the potato. I mean, it was beyond disgusting. To prove this point, my fabulous girlfriend took a picture with her finger pointing to the "butter" I have attached here. Needless to say, the potato and "butter" remained uneaten.

Surrounding us in this restaurant were large men and mostly very large women who went up for their 3rd and 4th overloaded plates with huge portions of everything. I don't want to end up looking like that, as shallow as that may sound and that was all I could think to myself. I don't want to eat like that either. Everything about that experience yesterday was unhealthy, I am so proud of myself for making healthier choices for myself and my body. I know I am not near my goal right now, but each and everyday I will get just a little bit closer to the person I long to be. No longer Phat, but extremely Fit and Fabulous!

The last thing I would like to mention today is that I was speaking with a man on Saturday night who has lost 80lbs over the past two years and has kept it off. I asked him some tips on what he had done, what he found useful and this is what he shared with me:

1. Don't deny yourself, or you are only setting yourself up to fail
2. Limit portions
3. Exercise - but do exercise that you love or you will stop doing it and again, set yourself up to fail - he does it about 3 - 4 times a week - if he doesn't feel like it, he doesn't but then makes sure he kicks his own butt to do more the following week
4. Instead of eating a pizza at night and going to bed weekly, have a slice or two once a month
5. It is a lifestyle change, not a diet because you again, will set yourself up to fail
6. You have to put a positive spin on the process and try not beat yourself up - if you skip a workout, just make sure you make up for it the following week
7. As you progressively lose the weight, remember to look at pictures at your starting weight regularly and remember and accept that is your past and it will also help motivate you to move forward as you don't want to be that person - in time, you will realize you were a completely different person.

He mentioned the reason he wanted to focus on losing the weight was because he didn't see too many obese men walking around at 80 years old, and he said he realized, there aren't any because they are all dead. He came to that morbid possibility for himself and realized he didn't want to die - hence the lifestyle change. Bravo to him and all that he has accomplished, truly an inspiration and he looks fantastic!

Although he shared things with me that I already had an idea of, a really helpful thing he shared also was that to look at weight loss in parts. I had considered this before as I am always playing mind games, but what he said just hit me. Lose weight at 10lbs intervals. You know that you can lose 10lbs fairly easily if you work hard. Reward yourself and be proud of accomplishing that feat, and focus on the next 10lbs, then the next 10lbs and then all of a sudden - your clothes are loosely fitting, people are noticing and hopefully commenting on how great you look. From there, you will just shed the pounds 10 by 10 and soon you will reach your goal.

Now, I am 11lbs in, 39lbs to go to reach my first goal and the point of this blog. Technically, 4 more smaller goals of 10lbs that are completely attainable with hard work and motivation, I have no doubt at this moment that I will succeed! (ask me in 4 days when I am having an off day, it may change)

Exercise today: Keg for dinner tonight, 13km walk / run tomorrow morning before work - walking partners set for Thursday & Friday...any takers on Wednesday? You know what is super cool? I don't even crave the Starbucks cookie anymore....

Thank you all for motivating me, keeping me strong, focused and letting me feel the love and support.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Holy Phat Blog Batman

2009-09-16T14:44:00.014-04:00

All I can say is I am eating healthy, still working out - but yet, I feel like a complete cow. How does that happen? I feel like I have gained 10lbs let alone 4 since Montreal last weekend. When I was in our Fantastique hotel, there was a scale in our room. I weighed myself both days. I was even impressed on Saturday because I was 210lbs towards the end of the day, after I ate - which means that I would have had a loss on Monday for sure! Nope, didn't happen like that.

Perhaps I am suffering from the dreaded PMS and retaining water like a desert animal. I understand that your body can do some weird things at certain times, but really? Why do I feel completely bloated right now? I have been doing this for over a month now, and yes, I am impatient at times - but really? I liked losing 2lbs a week...that was so much fun! I kind of counted on it. I figured my weight on Monday reflected my cheating behaviour in Montreal but by Tuesday or at least today I thought it would have changed to a more realistic number this morning - again, nope. What the H - E Double Hockey Sticks is a girl to do?! The poutine was incredible, but really? Did I need to eat the whole thing? Actually, yes...who am I kidding, I did.

Yesterday, I had my latte, a low fat lemon cranberry muffin, tons of water. For lunch, I just ate some blackberries, a half turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich, a strawberry, banana & orange freshly squeezed juice (no added sugar) and I was about to embark on some strawberries - but they hadn't started calling me 'Baby' so I declined. I ate a delicious Tika Marsala PC blue label dinner which was actually delicious. I went for a 13km last night with special Guest Sarah - it is amazing how quickly a walk can go by when you have such a great conversation going! Thank you lovely lady! Tonight, I am looking forward to trekking out to my old hometown Oakville with my old homegirl Andrea. So 26km so far this week, plus tonight it will be 39km and the week isn't even over yet! I am telling you right now, if by Monday there is an additional 4lbs or if I have not lost 6lbs - I will be so utterly frustrated.

39km is great....but I have been advised by an extremely Pretty, Popular and Confident girl who every year spends an entire weekend walking to end breast cancer with her Cosmic Girls (http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR?px=2348268&fr_id=1440&pg=personal) to get one of those Nike Plus systems for my runs that I can insert in my shoe and connect to my Ipod. I am looking at it for this week, and could possibly start that log on Monday and sharing it here. I was using the stopwatch on my Ipod and sometimes using the Log Your Run on Facebook - and it isn't accurate enough for me. I need to know how many calories I am burning and having a "big brotha" on my shoulder as I go out every other day - I can measure myself against my own personal best each time and there is no room for excuses. Plus, apparently Lance Armstrong speaks to you and tells you how amazing you are annnndddddd you get a certificate from Nike recognizing 1000 km once you have reached that incredible number. Perhaps if Eric Dane or Mark Ruffalo offered a massage after my run, or tell me how gorgeous I am I would have picked it up a LONG time ago - anyone know if that is available?

Yesterday I was creeping on an "ex-friend's" Facebook profile through my fake account - please don't ask - and I was looking at his pictures. I promise this is not an ex boyfriend, literally, an old friend. He used to be pretty large before. In June 2008 he had started going for walks / runs. He started eating healthy and stopped drinking alcohol. I was looking at pictures of him today, and he has run over 1000km and even has the certificate from Nike to prove it! He looks great. Let me rephrase this, he looks incredible and completely different and is running a full marathon in the next few weeks. Right now, his practice runs are around 32km and he runs 13km in about 1 hour and 20 minutes - perhaps less. It amazes me looking at him and the change he has made for the better. The fact that he is sticking to it. As ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me at the same time. I look at him with such envy thinking that he can do this and he has accomplished so much! He is so far ahead of me. You can't really compare apples to oranges, and I really have to recognized even he had to start somewhere to get where he is today...but, it is really hard to imagine when I feel like I do today that I can get to that point.

When I am on my walk / run - I know that I am not running enough. I told myself I wanted to take it slow so I wouldn't burn out but now I think I am taking it too slow. I need to set a goal that by 2 - 3 weeks from now I can run at least the full half way. I am not doing that right now. I even feel winded running short distances although increasing slowly and I have been doing this for a month now. Not too much of a change, but I need to remember to stick with it, as annoying as it is.

This is my inspiration. It goes along with Kate Winslet naked with fur on a chaise. One day I will have photos like this taken. The only four ways this can happen are:

a. with an incredible hair stylist like Salvatore Leonetti in Yorkville:

Salvatore brings a fresh, creative and undisputed talent to every client he meets
Phone: 416.849.9385
Website: http://www.salvatoreleonettisalon.com/

b. With an amazing make up artist Clare Pupo at Toni & Guy Yorkville:
Clare takes the smoky eye to a new dimension....
Phone: 416.920.7775
http://toniguy.com/

c. With a great photographer like Mark Bradfield at http://www.digitalkreation.com/

and of course...

d. my own drive, ambition, hard work and dedication to my own personal goal of being Fit & Fabulous!

Within a year, it wont be Eva Mendes or Kate Winslet, it will be ME plastered all over this blog in lingerie looking fierce - honestly, could she look more fabulous in these shots? One day, one day PFF - I am just going to ogle myself at that point!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Pigeon S%^& Has Hit The Phan

2009-09-14T15:11:00.016-04:00

Well, the time has come for Luke to make his decision. You may have read one of my earlier posts on one of my bitter days about this show and what a bad representation of Phat women it portrays. It is now between Tali (my personal favourite) and that manipulative fake beeotch waitress Malissa (who spells Melissa like that anyway?!). She is trying to win, not win the heart of the man she supposedly loves after 4 weeks of filming a show where dream dates are constant. Where any normal girl would be lucky to go on once in her life, let alone each week. Sure, I have been flown to Hawaii for a romantic beach dinner and moonlit walk after 2 dates - who hasn't? I am never a fan of these shows, but like I have expressed before, I am someone addicted to the train wreck that is More to Love. No, if you are asking, I am not afraid to express what I really think about this, but you should know that I am pretty happy about sharing my opinion by now.

Tonight is the last episode and I am watching while I write this. I don't know what the end result is, but I have a feeling that the evil girl will win. Don't they always? If he does choose to propose to the spawn of satan, then he is the one who must live with it, not me.

I wont lie, I will be effected by it. I hate when the evil girl wins. For myself, I always try to do the best thing, the right thing. When it comes to relationships, I am no expert. Sure, I can give someone reasonable advice and can see a jerk a million miles away. How dare he treat you this way? You deserve so much better girl, forget about him! Oh yeah, I can tell you to ignore him until he calls, that it will take him 4 days to call you - and everytime I predict something, 9 times out of 10 it happens exactly how I say it will. I have witnesses that can confirm. So, why is it so clear for me to see it in the great women that surround me, but I cannot for the life of me see it for myself?

Speaking of Trainwrecks: you may have read “Dropping the Phony” or “Unrequited Pigeon Love” where it told a story about Boy meets Girl and how it turns out that Girl starts to dream Boy's friend. Let's just say, the Pigeon shit has hit the fan. When will I ever learn? If only I could look at the situation from the outside and find the strength to listen to my inner voice that says what I am doing is foolish. Why would I profess my feelings to a man that I barely know based just on what my heart “feels”? Crazy right? Why would I be so persistent? Why couldn't I just let it be and accept that if it was meant to happen, it would work itself out on its’ own? If a friend of mine told me this situation my answer is easy. Let it go. Let both go. Totally not worth it, if a man is interested you will know – just like my trusty bible (He’s Just Not That Into You) has told me numerous times before.

All I can say is that I would never intentionally hurt someone, I just wouldn't. I wouldn't specifically do something behind someones back for my own personal gain. I try to be as honest as possible, and follow my heart and my feelings. The fact that I feel what I feel, I can't always control that. Sure, I could have controlled the relentless pursuit, but if my heart is telling me something and my head agrees - shouldn't I try and follow what I think is the right thing to do for me? It wouldn't be fair to my own heart if I just ignored it. Sure, it wasn't an ideal situation, but sometimes you just can't help who you develop feelings for and I don't want to be someone who lives with regret. I am certainly not a Malissa. I am a Tali. I am a hard working, determined woman who is passionate looking for a man who is determined and driven. Someone who will inspire me. Someone who will accept me for who I am, my mistakes, whether I am Phat or Fit but always Fabulous and eventually in time fall deeply in love with me.

We live in a day and age where women should take control – what is wrong with asking a man out or letting him know you are interested? Many of you I am sure have an opinion on this. Men claim they like a woman who takes control and asks them out. I am not so sure.

These days more and more women are waiting to get married, prolonging having children, focusing on their careers and have the ability to do anything on their own. Hell, we can even satisfy our individual physical desires with a variety of ways if you can read between the lines of what I am saying. Thus making the need for a man somewhat obsolete - or some would think. You hear women claim “I don’t need or want a man” yet it is the first conversation piece at Brunch, Lunch, Dinner, Drinks or any other social gathering when women get together.

Editors note: This is EXACTLY why girlfriends are so important – they love you no matter what mistakes you make and support you through it all and will talk to you about it until it is fully dissected.

Men do seem to have it easy, but if they are meant to be the “provider”, the “pursuer” I do trust that they are the only ones who can do this for a woman to remind her that she is indeed a woman. Although very independent, I am old fashioned at heart and believe in having doors opened for me, dinner paid for, a kiss on the cheek at the end of a first date and that man asking for the second date before the first one is over. So why, why, why do I insist on asking a man to see me or go out with me when it has been expressed by him that he is uncomfortable?

As much as I can do for myself, it could never replace what a man can bring to the table. Men are strong, they love sports, they can fix things, they are handsome, they are fathers, they are brothers and uncles. They are sexy, aggressive, funny, smell really, really good and have the perfect resting place for your head after a tough day. They can get ready in 5 minutes for a formal occasion and make your heart skip a beat when they tell you how beautiful you are. They listen and agree, offer sound advice and know that they really never can win against a woman in an argument. They buy flowers, leave notes and they know how to kiss you to make you realize nothing else matters. I don’t care what anyone says, I cannot do that for myself, only a man can.

Friend's and others gasp when they learn I am single, telling me "it will happen when you least expect it" or "it will happen when it is right". "Don't worry" they say, "you will find someone....just give it time". Isn't that exactly what I have been doing? Is 33 years not enough time? I digress. My point is, when you are a good woman, it can be very difficult to find a good man in this day and age.

My word is all I have, and right now, it means nothing. I must admit, I am disappointed in myself but no point in dwelling. I can only dust myself off, and learn the lesson here, right? Right! That is exactly why I am so Fabulous! So, I have made a fool of myself and hurt someone in the process unintentionally. At least I followed my heart and more importantly can only learn from the mistakes I have made and try my hardest not make the same ones again.

Exercise Today: Day off, walked 13km last night – continue to eat well – walking 13km with Special Guest tomorrow – can’t wait and most importantly, focus on myself - that is what this blog is all about - becoming a better, healthier me! I think once I achieve that, everything else will somehow fall into place.

Blog Soon,
PFF

Editors note: Luke didn't pick spawn of satan - woo hoo! Victory is mine...well, Tali's.

Le Grand Poids Phat Révèle - la Semaine 4

2009-09-14T09:26:00.011-04:00

Les rédacteurs en chef notent : rendez Afin de l'hommage à une de mes villes canadiennes préférées et les dernières vacances mini-je posterai mon blog dans le français aussi bien que l'anglais aujourd'hui.

Ok, donc ce n'est pas les plus grandes nouvelles cette semaine. Peut-être c'était le fait que je suis allé à Montréal et suis parti vraiment bon, mais ai alors cédé quand nous sommes allés au meilleur restaurant Poutine à Montréal. Un des restaurants auxquels nous sommes allés pour le dîner était un du meilleur Risotto que je consommais jamais et en tout tres Magnifique. L'autre était un endroit grec stupéfiant qui avait le meilleur Poulet Brochette avec Tzatziki que je goûtais jamais. Peut-être il avait quelque chose pour faire avec la bouteille de vin que nous avons dû acheter au magasin d'avantage avant le fait de le finir avec le dîner. Le restaurant grec était BYOB, mais oh si délicieux avec le pain pita warmed pour mourir pour. Peut-être c'était le croissant de chocolat mini-que j'avais samedi matin avant la ville d'eau (avec les quantités amples de fruit sur le côté je peux ajouter!). Peut-être c'était le fait que nous avions quelques casse-croûte sur la voie à la maison la nuit dernière, qui a inclus un timbits, des plumes, sunchips, maltesers, des croissants et des muffins. Oh vraiment, j'ai triché ce week-end. C'était le premier week-end j'ai eu des frites, un chocolat, plus qu'un verre de vin et de timbits. Je me suis senti coupable et je n'ai pas complètement perdu mon esprit et mange les volumes que j'ai utilisés à, mais la culpabilité et la honte sont toujours avec moi. Je suis sans doute Phatter cette semaine et un peu Moins fabuleux - mais espère le compenser cette semaine.

Semaine 4 Jeu de Nombres:

Poids : 214 livres

Livres Perdues cette semaine : 0

Livres Gagnées cette semaine : 4

Livres Perdues jusqu'ici : 5

Desserts consommés : 1.5

Biscuits de Starbucks : 0

Beurre de Cacahuète par la petite cuillère : 5 :( avez-vous lu des Lumières à haute voix ?

Le KM a marché : 26 kms

Verres de Shiraz : 4

Poutine : 1 - et le garçon oh le garçon était cela jamais bon.

Fiez-vous en moi, je suis déçu et écœuré avec moi autant que vous êtes sans doute . Vraiment, je peux garantir que je suis plus.

Exercice Aujourd'hui : la Promenade / dirige 13 kms aussitôt que je reviens à la maison; Essayez de ne pas me battre en haut pour gagner cette semaine et essayer de ne pas avoir l'impression d'être un échec.

Blog Bientôt,

PFF

Editors note: In order to pay tribute to one of my favourite Canadian cities and the latest mini vacation I will post my blog in French as well as English today.

Ok, so it isn't the greatest news this week. Maybe it was the fact that I went to Montreal and started off really good but then gave in when we went to the best Poutine restaurant in Montreal. One of the restaurants we went to for dinner was one of the best Risotto's I have ever consumed and overall tres Magnifique. The other was an amazing Greek place that had the best Chicken Brochette with Tzatziki I have ever tasted. Perhaps it had something to do with the bottle of wine we had to purchase at the convenience store before polishing it off with dinner. The Greek restaurant was BYOB, but oh so delicious with warmed pita to die for. Perhaps it was the mini chocolate croissant I had Saturday morning before the spa (with ample amounts of fruit on the side I may add!). Perhaps it was the fact that we had some snacks on the way home last night, which included some timbits, nibs, sunchips, maltesers, croissants and muffins. Oh yeah, I cheated this weekend. This was the first weekend I have had chips, chocolate, more than one glass of wine and timbits. I felt guilty, and I didn't completely lose my mind and eat the volumes I used to but the guilt and shame are still with me. I am definitely Phatter this week and a little less Fabulous - but hope to make up for it this week.

Week 4 Numbers Game:
Weight: 214 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 0

Lbs Gained this week: 4
Lbs Lost thus far: 5 :(
Desserts consumed: 1.5
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the teaspoon: 5 :( -did you read Lights Out?
KM walked: 26 KM
Glasses of Shiraz: 4
Poutine: 1 - and boy oh boy was it ever good.

Trust me, I am disappointed and disgusted with myself as much as you probably are. Actually, I can guarantee I am more.

Exercise Today: Walk / run 13km as soon as I get home; Try not to beat myself up for gaining this week and try not to feel like a failure.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Peanut Butter Shame

2009-09-09T17:32:00.004-04:00

I am guilty of peanut butter overload. Three teaspoons and some jam when I got home. It was a difficult 24 hours. That's not all....I have had 2 others in the past three days.

I know, I know.

PFF

Lights Out

2009-09-09T13:23:00.008-04:00

Literally.

Last night the lights were out at Queen and Broadview. A blackout occurred in Apartment 2. "Funny" you say, "I don't remember hearing about that on the news"... Isn't that funny how that works? The thing is, the blackout happened because sometimes I make choices that aren't necessarily the right ones. I am already known for the improper food decisions and poor choice in men that I have made (and am working on) but those ones aren't the only ones apparently.

For example, instead of paying my hydro bill everytime I get one, I tend to go into denial and put it in a safe place. Thinking that it will be paid on its own? or the magical bill fairy will come and pay it when I am not looking at it. After a while of doing this, say, 6 or 7 months or until it reaches a certain amount, sometimes over a thousand dollars, like they do in the movies, they pull the plug. Editor's Note: Think The Pursuit of Happyness, starring Will Smith - who the real person he portrayed is a self made millionaire, I'm just sayin'

Last night I went to training at the ACC for the upcoming season, and then went home to a note in my mailbox. Nope, not a nice note. Not a love letter. Not even a postcard from Jamaica or the Bahamas from some old fairweather friends. This wasn't even a warning or anything. This beautiful note told me that my service had been disconnected. I was shocked, thinking in my head it was just a warning, right? This couldn't have happened. Oh no, I was wrong. Not a warning at all. Maybe the warnings were in all those envelopes I didn't open?

I entered my lovely apartment and all was dark. No time lit on the cable box, light switches didn't work. You know, the brightside is that I did learn last night how much I rely on electricity. Lights, television, internet, Rogers home phone, Jacuzzi tub all require electricity to work. Who knew? At least the hot water was still working after my much needed stress relieving 13km run last night. I was talking myself through getting through a cold shower when I got home but to my surprise, I guess there was still some hot water left in the tank, just for me! I also took a nice hot shower this morning too - perhaps my reward for all of my hard work? Both were done by candlelight so at least they were romantic.

I slept with the windows open last night, as shocking as this may sound, you can't run air conditioning without electricity either! Again, who knew?! So, I got up at 6:30am because the sound of the 24 hour streetcars wouldn't let me rest. Shaking my apartment, squealing around the corner. They actually felt like they were running right through my head. Oh yeah, a "not so" pleasant morning indeed. After 15 years of living on my own, this has never happened. I have never actually had my electricity cut off. Thankfully, my awesome neighbour (yes, there is one!) is holding some food in his freezer and fridge for me that I had purchased over the weekend so not all is lost. I was thinking on my run last night - yes, I had to go last night to fight away the tears, thinking that I am a failure. I am not a failure, I just made a really bad decision for approximately 6-7 months. I am ok and can live with that.

Instead of paying my Hydro bill over the past few months, I have done some important things! I have bought $1000.00 worth of bedding, pillows and paint for my room renovation; have had the most Fabulous weekend in NYC; Oh, and that trip to Vegas staying at the Bellagio as a "nice little getaway." I have also purchased gifts for myself such as Tiffany, clothes, dinners out; a new car....and the list goes on. These are all things I clearly needed. I believe in treating myself, that is for sure. Don't they always say "Pay yourself first?!" I believe in that bigtime as I always pay myself first, doing what I want when I want to...is that so wrong? I have worked very hard, I think treats are mandatory. Like this weekend for example, I am going to Montreal - I haven't been in a few years and need to go to celebrate Baby Momma's birthday with three fabulous ladies! How could I say no??

Editor's Note: Shout out to Baby Momma (www.thecupcakeryto.com), Pat (the Hottest and newest Bevi Cafe owner at 650 Queensway in Etobicoke) and the magnificent super momsy Tama - can I get a What! What!

I also think the hydro bill had a lot to do with that Phony character who I am thankfully clean of....but he did use up a lot of hot water, being that he is full of hot air. Also, money that could have gone towards paying that bill was spent paying for everything, every single time Phony would drop by. I basically supported the 35 year old child for quite a long time. What a waste of money that was. Editor's Note: If a man doesn't buy groceries when he wants to cook for you - get out ASAP. Everything was to make him more comfortable. Oh, he was comfortable, he told me to get him different deodorant as he didn't like the Anti-Perspirant I had picked up for him. This wouldn't bother me if he brought his own or had done something for me once in a while, but nope. Never again. Getting rid of the Phony also has provided some stress & frustration relief as well as financial freedom. Now I feel like I am 55, but younger and even more Fabulous with a bit more disposable / bill paying income.

I wrote an email to Oprah yesterday afternoon, maybe this has happened to provide additional information for my video bio before I am introduced as guest on her show. Maybe this Blog is going to get me rich, famous and most importantly get a book deal. At that point, I can hire someone to pay my hydro and someone else who can hold my straw for me while I drink water (Mariah has one). Until then, I will keep blogging and keep losing and ensure that my Hydro is P.A.I.D.

Recommendations:

*5+ Starbucks Cookies

Pay your damn hydro bill, they really do actually cut your hydro off if you don't. Lesson learned Big Brother watching, Hydro will be paid early going forward to ensure this nightmare doesn't happen again.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Editor's Note: Hydro has been paid, and should be back on by the time I get home today. Also, the best way to ensure a guy doesn't get interested in you tell them you have done this. It is amazing how humiliated you can feel which makes it easy to move on from other humiliations you face when consistently telling them you want to go out with them, like in your blog for instance. Now too humiliated to speak to them - you avoid rejection!

My Love For Fall

2009-09-08T09:51:00.004-04:00

Today the kids go back to school, or to school for the first time. I can feel a hint of it in the air already. Although still technically summer, the last long weekend has come and gone and we are headed into my favourite time of year.

The sun is orange and bright. The mornings are filled with cool, crisp air. I wrap myself in sweaters made of wool with thick belts and collars I can escape in. The trees change colour, the leaves fall and you know that snow and sleet are just around the corner but it is ok. The feeling of this magical season literally brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes when the wind blows, and the leaves on the trees dancing their slow dance, I melt. I also feel inspired. A new hope consumes me, and I feel anything is possible.

My official song for the fall, that makes me cry everytime I hear it in the beginning of this season. Open Arms by Mariah Carey is just Fabulous. I don't know how to upload video yet, but follow this link to listen while you read on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye8oc98qfHk

I have a deep love for fall. I would be happy to give up Spring, Summer & Winter if only Fall lasted all year long. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday mainly because of the weather and the warmth it brings. You get to spend time with people you really love and care about. It is different from Christmas. I do love Christmas, but it is just not the same. What is not to love about Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, warm apple crumble, the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin pie all without the nasty snow? Plus, it is the one time of year I love to use my oven to prepare food, instead of using it for storage. This year, I will host a Thanksgiving dinner for those I love the most and celebrate how far I have come. By October 12th, it will be 3 months and I will be hopefully 30 lbs lighter.

Maybe this time of year brings me back to when I was a young girl, playing with leaves after raking them. Collecting acorns in the ravine behind my house. When things seemed a lot more simple. The trees, so many beautiful and warm colours - everywhere! Going back to school with new clothes, binders, pens, markers and the opportunity of new beginnings and fresh starts.
There are so many things to be grateful for and I think it is the one time of year I actually sit and reflect and recognize how much the people in my life truly mean to me. Those friends that have been there through it all. The friends from my past that helped me make it through difficult times. The friends that I really wouldn't be here still without. The friends that are my family. The friends that I never see. The friends that I have lost touch with but have now reconnected. The new family I have found, and what they have brought to my life over the past 10 years. Thinking of the family of my own that I will have one day. I become the most loving and affectionate person during this time - and truly thankful for everything that I have. I sure am lucky to have such incredible people surround me.

So give a warm welcome to fall and if you feel inclined, think about the people that matter most to you and take a moment to give "thanks" for all of those in your life you are lucky enough to share your time with. I think what I need to do is increase the time I do this - to more than just one season a year.

Editor's Note: this is dedicated to all of you who have been there and who have helped me get to where I am today - you may not know that a simple ride to work or your listening ear made a huge difference. I couldn't have done it without you.

Blog Soon,
Super Sappy PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 4

2009-09-07T11:51:00.009-04:00

Week 4 Numbers Game:
Weight: 210 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs Lost thus far: 9
Desserts consumed: 0.5
Starbucks Cookies: 0
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 0

KM walked: 44.7 KM
Glasses of Shiraz: 1
Poutine: 0

Emotional Breakdowns: 1

Well, another week has passed and surely but slowly, another loss. It seems fake, but I promise, another 2 lbs is gone. I wonder where it went. Did it go to meet the other 7 on vacation? Have they all gone to the Bahamas? Perhaps Jamaica? Maybe they are laying out in the sun sipping on strawberry daquiri's right now, all plotting and planning on when and how to return. Maybe, just maybe, they are learning how to salsa or sharing long romantic walks on the beach. Laughing it up knowing they have gone away before, but it is only a matter of time they will be back.

Not if I can help it my fairweather friends. You better get used to your fun in the sun and sand as I anticipate you will be there forever. Be prepared, a few more of your friends will be joining, week by week. I truly hope you find a home for you to stay all together, but I doubt anyone will really want you to stay with them. I know that may be mean, but I think if you guys stick together, you wont be lonely. The positive thing is you will at least have each other. To be honest, I wont miss you.

Consider it tough love, I assure you, you will get through it.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Winners Never Quit

2009-09-04T10:03:00.011-04:00

**This is PFF at her favourite breakfast place in NYC, Pastis - oh Eggs Benedict.....**

Editors Note: Apologies for the meltdown you witnessed from PFF's post yesterday...will try to ensure this doesn't happen on the regular.

Harriet Beecher Stowe once said "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

I am waiting for the tide to turn, until then I will still keep on posting and following through on my journey. As bad as I felt yesterday, tears falling down face bad, I managed to get through it. This may seem ridiculous to some people, "why would she cry, what, about food?" but I assure you for anyone that has struggled with weight loss, there are always those moments when you want to give up. This almost feels like a bad break up to the extreme. Quitting my relationship with bad food choices 'cold turkey' is proving to be difficult. Why do you think so many people struggle their entire lives?

Like me for instance, I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. I tend to choose things that are bad for me. Why? I haven't figured it out yet. It feels so good choosing things that are good for me. Do you see the predicament? I have shared some of the mind games in a previous post that go hand in hand with the struggle. I have lost 30lbs before, on two separate occasions but have gained it back plus some both times. I am not too sure what mind game actually stops me when I start a regime, but I hope to recognize it and keep holding on and never giving up. This is a battle I decided I have chosen to win, and I hope that I can stay true to my word until I reach the end.

Lee Iacocca said "You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance." Perseverance defined by Merriam Webster online is "to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement." Boy do I get discouraged. Regardless of my discouragement and the opposition I face (me, mainly) - I will persevere. I do want to be Fit & Fabulous and I have to keep telling myself that even through the hardest most difficult moments, yesterday prime example, I will persevere. I will come out on top because I am the type of woman that will continue to work hard for what I want and indeed, I can have this.

No more being envious of people who can do it, say on The Biggest Loser or even people I know, because there is no reason why I can't do this as well. My thoughts before have been these people are so lucky to have the will to do it, they look so great etc. etc. I am sure their struggle is as tough as mine but in my mind when I see them, I see the result not that they had the exact same struggle as me. It is not easy for anyone, if it was, everyone everywhere would be fit and fabulous.

My biggest downfall is patience, or lack there of. I want instant results / gratification for what I am doing (in other aspects of my life too). That is not a realistic viewpoint and I have to learn to not be so hard on myself. The fact is I am human. I may slip from time to time, but I am on my way to a freedom that I want so desperately, but have never known. One day I will. One day I will know what it's like to get out of bed and look at my hot and sexy butterfly body and decide I love myself this much, and I am so glad I am here and FINALLY have accomplished what I have always wanted. A loooonnnggggg road ahead. Editor's note: Kate Winslet laying naked on fur on a chaise...Kate Winslet laying naked on fur on a chaise....PFF laying naked on fur on a chaise while Mark Ruffalo holds the straw to her bottled water and Eric Dane feeds her strawberries while fanning her....

So, after surviving what looks like the worst day thus far, it can only get better! I did not fall off the wagon, I didn't eat anything ridiculous or bad for me yesterday - despite wanting to drown myself in a bottle of wine and poutine, or eat 25 krispy cremes, pizza, a tub of Half Baked I persevered yesterday's battle with grace and humility (other than the crying). I only hope I keep winning the battle.

Exercise Today: off yesterday, walking tonight with a Super Mom

Recommendations:
*5 Starbucks Cookies

I had the greatest feeling today when someone from my work asked me if I was running on Mount Pleasant the other day. My response jokingly was "yes, I am sorry that you had to see that". He then asked, "do you live around there?" and I said "No, Queen & Broadview, but I go for 13km run / walks, trying to run the whole thing because it is a hard hill" his response "wow, that's great!". Moral of the recommendation? Get outside to exercise while you still can because I have had now a few people tell me that they have seen me on my run - which is amazing, I am basically famous now with a huge paparazzi following. I will soon need to wear sunglasses to block the flash from my beautiful brown eyes...Tiff starts September 10th, so I better get on finding representation.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Quitters Never Win

2009-09-03T11:50:00.008-04:00

Ok, so I am utterly frustrated today.

I hate this.

I know I have been pretty positive up until now, but today is BRUTAL. I feel that there has been no change. I work out, I started running, I am making healthier choices and the volume of food has significantly gone down. When I feel like this? I can't see the bikini or the end result. I can feel my phat and rolls and I even feel full. I did 13km last night and I still feel disgusting and all I had were some mini wheats and skim milk today. Tears of frustration are rolling down my cheeks as I write this....this is not easy people.

I want to give up. I want a Starbucks cookie. I want 10. I want some Krispy Cremes and I never eat those. I want filet mignon with mashed potatoes from the Keg and I want to lock myself in my room and cry. Right now, as crappy as I feel, I wont give into my temptations. I can guarantee that if I was to eat what I really wanted right now, some poutine and a bottle of Shiraz perhaps - I would feel like garbage but at the same time it would make me feel better instantly. I don't know how long I will last. If these feelings continue for the rest of the day, or for the next few days or longer - I may not be that strong.

I am an emotional eater. I sat alone at Starbucks last night for 2 hours waiting. I got my answer, and indeed, it is unrequited pigeon love. At least I know now and I still stand by my idea of living for the moment and sharing how you feel because you just never know. I feel like a complete idiot, but if you don't put yourself out there regardless of humiliation, how will you ever know? I don't want to live with regrets.

Perhaps this is why I am feeling how I am feeling today. I just want to quit. Today is 100 times worse than Day 3.

Maybe I will blog soon, maybe this will be the last. Only time will tell.
PFF

Creative Methods of a Phat Girl

2009-09-01T16:21:00.023-04:00

When you are a Phat girl, you get creative in the ways to try to hide it.

Big clothes? check.

Sweatshirts & Sweatpants? check.

Loose shirts? check.

Holding in the stomach? check. Editor's Note: If this was an Olympic sport I would win Gold!

Spanx? check and check (if they are willing to help a sister out that day!)

Sometimes, I get very creative. I stand in front of the mirror, holding on to different areas, pulling in different directions to create optical illusions of non phat. It gives me an idea of what I would look like without it - it is just folded a different way for a little bit, to give me some kind of sick satisfaction. My favourite is looking from the side, grabbing my stomach and folding it in a way and arching my back a little bit - looks amazing. If only I could walk around like that all day, I wouldn't have to write this blog. Heck, I wouldn't have to eat healthy ever again or walk / run another step. Unfortunately, it would be so wrong on so many levels and I would still be living in denial.

Slimming mirrors are a Phat girls' best friend. When I find a slimming mirror? No work is involved, the hiding is already done. My favourite is at my best friend's house. Amazing. It is like taking an ego trip that you can get a high from. It is like all I have to do is stand there and look Fabulous. From the side, from the back, head on - absolutely incredible. Ready for my Vogue cover. No optical illusion, no adjustments of body parts, just plain old Fabulous me. I could stand there all day. In some cases, I have.

Also, I find that I make a lot of excuses as a Phat girl. Some of my personal favourites include:

"I will eat this peanut butter because it is technically protein"

"I will start working out and eating healthy on Monday" Editor's Note: This tends to last 52 consecutive Monday's on average...

"I am ok because I am not as big as her" - ya, I said it.

"This picture of me is Fabulous because you can't see my two plus chins"

"He doesn't like me because I am Phat"

"I can't do that because I am Phat"

"I wont sit in that Subway seat because I don't want to have to squeeze to fit in between those two people"

Frankly, I am tired of my own excuses and white lies I tell myself to feel ok about all of this. There are also ways you can pretend that you aren't as big as you actually are. When watching the train wreck More To Love, when the weights were posted of the girls for all to see - I saw girls that looked like they weighed a lot more than the weight posted because those girls weighed less than me. I started to question, do I look that big to other people? Is it the camera that is adding 15 - 20lbs? The funny thing is, as big and Phat as I feel sometimes, and we are always our own worse critic, I never actually thought I looked that big until that show.

Although I LOVE having my picture taken and am planning a photo shoot after I reach my goal - there have been some pictures that have made me recognize I am a lot bigger than I feel. Pictures taken in my favourite city were ruined because of how embarrassed I was that I couldn't hide the Phat or my quadruple chin.

Regardless of what I have done in the past, I am looking forward to a time when I don't have to hide, adjust or feel bad about people seeing a particular picture of me.

The worst thing ever is running into someone you haven't seen in a looonnnggg time, and you wish you looked good so you could hear them say "you look fantastic!" or start another season of my part time work where I wont be the same Phat PFF they are used to seeing.

Imagine seeing the girl that looks so hot that you don't recognize her. With her hot outfit, her gorgeous hair, and stunning face. The one that has lost 50lbs all on her own because she felt she was worth all of the pain, struggle and frustration that was in order to live her life happily, without her weight being an excuse for anything ever again. Oh ya, that girl will be me.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Unrequited Pigeon Love

2009-09-01T10:50:00.020-04:00

You know the title is full of intrigue. You couldn't help but read it. The following story may or may not be based on actual facts, but decide for yourself what you would do.

Girl met boy. Girl liked boy. Boy didn't like girl and treated her poorly. Girl stopped liking boy. Girl met Boy's friend and felt fireworks. First Boy decides he now likes girl. Boy still treated girl poorly. Girl told boy's friend how she felt. Girl felt guilty but is passionate and had to share her feelings. Girl told original boy that she had feelings for someone else. Boy now has decided he wont let her go. Girl can't stop herself from thinking or dreaming about the cutest of cute boys. What is a girl to do?

Pigeon unrequited love you ask? Believe it or not, this story isn't about Duke, Meryl and the Kids outside my bedroom window - if only Pigeons had this type of passion to deal with. Although I am sure there must be some kind of unrequited pigeon love somewhere...Maybe Meryl had an affair or something with an old flame and caused Duke pain, but he forgave her and they stay together for the kids and are now genuinely happy. Maybe I will never know the trials and tribulations that they had to endure, all I know is in the end they are together and are raising their happy family. I wish I was a pigeon sometimes, they are quite fabulous.

Editors note: Girl is PFF, both "boy's" are in fact grown men

At the age of 33, I have had my fair share of "relationships" with the opposite sex. In a previous blog I shared two of the many unbelievable experiences I have had (more entertainment for your reading pleasure to come). Obviously, not one of the many were made to last. When you meet someone that ignites a passion inside of you for no apparent or logical reason, despite timing or circumstance- are we to ignore that feeling and hope it will go away? Although I know it is probably one sided, and possibly all in my own head and I am the only one creating this torture for myself...I need to know for certain. He's Just Not That Into You would shake me and say "Girl, if a guy is genuinely interested in you, regardless of circumstance, you wont have to wonder." But I still do. Wonder and hope should be my two middle names.

You may be asking yourself, what kind of girl would go after the guys friend anyway? What kind of guy would even entertain that thought to do that to his friend? Then I question what kind of girl would I be if I didn't follow my heart, or my dreams for that matter. These are also the specific reasons why it will probably never happen.

I met someone. One time. That is all it took. He is extremely attractive, unlawfully so. He is nice, charming, smart, plays hockey, treats people well, has a great personality, is a very good friend and a very decent and good (said with umph!) man which makes him even that more attractive. The type of man that I could potentially see myself spend some very quality time with. So why isn't he interested? I would like to think it is because I am not yet Fit & extremely Fabulous, but when I am he will be. The truth of the matter is it is because he is a very loyal friend and I should be ashamed of feeling the way I feel and should put it permanently out of my head. How disrespectful of me to have these feelings!

Literally, at night while I sleep, he is there. This has been going on for about 2 months now, every other night or so. Last night, he kissed me. This incredible, so real, fantastic, perfect, magical kiss. The kind of kiss I would give up Peanut Butter forever for. The kind of kiss that transcends places, spaces and time. How ridiculous is this? How am I suppose to live the nightmare of unrequited adoration during the day, and have such sweet dreams that feel so real at night?

I am a grown, independent and Fabulous woman who is now focused on getting rid of the Phat and getting Fit. I consistently try to put the idea out of my head for my own good but yet, I fall asleep and there he is, kissing me. How can I not want the real deal? All I know is that he is gorgeous. Uh huh. Crazy and stupid right? Explain that to my subconscious.

If the cutie cutest happens to read this posting, he will know who he is. Yes, I am passionate, bold, brave and fabulous and many other wonderful things. I want you like a pigeon wants the bread from a homeless man. Could I be more straightforward?

Editor's Note: Ok, so maybe not the best analogy, but you get it, right?

Moral of this story? Other than I have a secret and sick obsession with Pigeon life, I feel lucky that I am able to feel the things I do, regardless if the feelings are returned or not. Life is dull without passion. One day, like I have mentioned before, I will be with some incredibly fantastic man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Phat and Phony no more. I just need to keep loving myself enough to be Phat, Fit & Fabulous to the second power and until I get where I feel I need to be - try to keep the dreams and boldness on lockdown.

Exercise for today: walked / ran 13km last night, 13km tomorrow night. Still not giving into temptation.

Recommendations
*3 Starbucks Cookies
Can I mention again how much I love to laugh while I am walking / running? Neil Diamond made me laugh so hard last night I am sure people were wondering what was wrong with me. Imagining the glittery jump suits, the messy hair, raspy voice and the swooning women - you can't help but love his tunes. America or Sweet Caroline and oh so many others. Amazing!

Blog Soon,

PFF

The Big Phat Weight Reveal - Week 3

2009-08-31T09:13:00.004-04:00

Editor's Note: PFF has never been good at math...she was 214 last week, from the original 219 that is 5lbs lost, not 4 that I have been blogging about all week.

Well, another week has come and gone. It feels like forever, let me tell you - a lot of struggle and no progress? Perhaps a little progress.....

Week 3 Numbers Game:

Weight: 212 lbs

Lbs Lost this week: 2

Lbs Lost thus far: 7

Desserts consumed: 1.5

Starbucks Cookies: 0

Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1 :( - it was a really ROUGH day....

KM walked: 44.7 KM

Glasses of Shiraz: 1

Poutine: 0

Well, let's just say that tears fell on my walk on Wednesday night. Tears of utter frustration. In fact, there will be a post coming up called "Struggles of a Phat Girl" and I was thinking of all the struggles I have been dealing with over the past two weeks and some that have gone on a bit longer with this constant struggle with weight. On my run, I grabbed at my Phat on my sides, looked at my arms and felt disgusted with myself. I know that I am doing something about it and working very hard and I know that if I continue what I am doing, my body will react, that is a fact. Its just my mind that needs to follow suit. I told you in the beginning there would be struggle, tears and of course there will be happy times the closer I get to my goal - but what you can count on through my journey is truth. Please forgive me if some posts are not as light and funny as others...

I am not going to lie on here and pretend that this is really easy or something. I know what I am doing is for my ultimate happiness but not losing 30lbs instantly is really bothering me. All of the walking now mixed with some running, eating healthier, eating less etc. etc. I know that it is expected that it is a slow process but once time goes by it will be better - when I reach under 200lbs maybe it will seem great because that will be 20lbs lost, not just 7lbs. All the healthy choices for only 2lbs this week? I have to look at the bright side where it is a loss and not a gain. I can live with that and I can also live with the fact that I haven't binged on anything regardless of how upset I felt at the moment (ok one spoon of peanut butter) when I questioned myself what the hell is the point? I haven't given up though. Just like when I lipsynched to Cover Girl in a grade 8 talent show and fell dancing around the microphone - although over 300 people were laughing I still got back up and finished the routine (and understandably bawled my eyes out in the girls bathroom afterward)....but the point is I kept going, regardless of the humiliation, embarrassment and that's what I plan to do here. Not give up.

Anyone who has ever wanted to lose 5lbs, 10lbs, 100lbs - knows that it is not easy. If it is easy for you, all the power to you and tell me what you are doing. I thought bigger people lost weight quicker, no? Like Dave the Porche Guy - ONE YEAR he lost over 300lbs? That is almost 6lbs a week by diet and exercise. I want THAT. Does that mean I have to run 13km a day? I guess eventually if I have to, I will but that just seems so unfair!

My "relationship" with food as pathetic as it may sound is comforting, it fills an emptiness for me that I can't explain and it has been the longest "relationship" I have ever had. So without food feeding that, I have to find something that will fulfill me the same way - or face the pain I have been trying to numb with it and finally move on from it. Too many years have gone by harbouring this pain, I need to let it go. I keep thinking while I am out walking / running that each step, each pound is the weight I have been carrying due to certain aspects of my life and it is time to shed them so I can live a happy fulfilled life just for me. Noone else is going to do that or give me that - I can only give that to myself. As long as I am losing, it means I am slowly letting go of the painful past, and moving toward a brighter future with endless possibilities. I am not getting all woe is me or anything, just telling it like it is, for me.

Anyway, beginning of Week 3 and I am still on the path - haven't fallen off the wagon just yet and I really don't want to. I will keep it up, keep going stronger. My issue is when I start hostessing back at the ACC - my room is full of M&M's - this is an issue all by itself and perhaps a post on my love for the Peanut Butter ones will follow.

Exercise for Today: Keep strong, believe that I can do this. Walk 13km tonight and try to run up the Mount not so Pleasant mountain as much as possible.

Blog soon,

PFF

What A Difference A Week Makes

2009-08-27T13:15:00.006-04:00

Although I have lost only 4lbs - perhaps a couple of more by Monday morning at the Big Phat Weight Reveal Week 3, I would think that this kind of significant amount would make a difference in my jeans. Um no. It hasn't. I know it is a lot to ask - but these jeans were loose when I bought them - but they are still a little snug. 4 lbs is 2 blocks of butter, no? So that butter weighs down the basket you carry around the grocery store (not that I buy 4lbs of butter now, I am just sayin') so you would think the jeans would have a little more room now that that amount of "butter" has gone away . I understand that with time, my body will shift and clothes eventually will get a little more loose as I continue to make healthy choices and exercise. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! That is something I am looking forward to for sure - then? That is right...the size of pants, jeans and dresses will slowly but surely decrease. Slow is good. What is that saying? Slow and Steady wins the race? I wont be winning the race, but I will be winning what I have always wanted and truly deserve to have to make me 100% happy with who I am and stay committed to that.

This morning while I was getting ready, I decided to try on a couple of dresses I had purchased "in case I lose weight". I love playing this game. I am sure one of you, or perhaps many of you have made this mistake. Making the promise since you love it so much and you can just picture it on and how Fabulous you will look in it once you lose 5 lbs or even 10lbs. Maybe many of you are oh so fabulous, no need to think about that as it just looks naturally brilliant on you off the rack! Somehow, in all the times I have said that to myself, I have never actually lost weight to fit into an outfit. It is a cruel cruel game I play. One of the dresses I have worn two times in the three years I have owned it. The other, not at all. Both are fabulous and guaranteed if I wasn't as Phat, I would look AMAZING in them - see? Mind games. Right now, both clearly are not recommended for wearing as they wont even go up all the way. Not even Spanx can help. Boy oh Boy. Good old Spanx has hooked a sister up in the past, but there is a certain point that Spanx just has to say "sorry girl, you are fantastic, but I just can't help you out today". Well, all I can say is one day when Spanks offers some help, I will happily say "No thanks, I don't need you Spanx!" Editors Note: When Spanx calls me girl, it's not like when the cookie does.

I do feel a difference already, to be completely honest. I can feel that there is a bit less bloating aka Phat, around my right hip. I actually discovered a freckle the other day that is quite adorable and makes me even more Fabulous. When I lay in bed in the morning, my body feels lighter - and yes, only 4 lbs but already a result I can feel not just see on the scale. This encourages me. I still feel gross on my way to work, at my desk, going home, but I know this feeling will go away. Regardless of how long it will take - hopefully within 9 months - this will continue if I keep doing the right thing and making the healthier choices I have been - it is really just a matter of time and dedication.

If you are wondering if I have kept on walking - the answer is YES! Of course I have!! I am doing very brisk 13km walking every other day - which on Tuesday I started to integrate jogging up and down the Mount not so Pleasant Mountain and it feels GREAT! One day, I will be able to run the entire 13km, but I am not rushing only to burn myself out or end up disappointing all of you. Also, yesterday I added 3.92 KM - hellooo!?!?!?! this was my day OFF!! I was with Baby Momma who brought along a very exciting walking companion, the one and only, Dante. Oh, sweet Dante. Such a well behaved girl. Unfortunately, Chico, Dante's friend couldn't make it, but hopefully next time we will be graced with the presence of the well behaved and lovely Chico so they can enjoy some quality time together. :)

Exercise for today: 13km tonight - try to run as much as possible - or just walk briskly the entire time....either way, I am going as I have Fabulous dinner plans tomorrow night and must feel Fabulous!

NEWNESS: I know how hard it is to keep motivated so I will share some things from time to time that I find work for me - because it can be difficult sometimes to find something that will help enjoy the process...see below for my first of hopefully many, Recommendations. I will measure each by my favourite, a Starbucks cookie. *1 Cookie means you may want to think about it, to *5 cookies meaning you must absolutely do it 100% - *2,*3,*4 cookies? up to you to decide!

Recommendations

*5 Starbucks Cookies

Can I say how much I love to laugh while I am walking? Chris Rock is my favourite and I need to download Kill The Messenger because soon I will know Bring the Pain, Bigger and Blacker & Never Scared off by heart! He is brilliant - so I recommend listening to any of his stand up - an hour goes by before you know it!

Blog Soon,

PFF

Love? Schmove.

2009-08-25T15:20:00.015-04:00

Editor's Note: Forget food, I am a maneater today!

Ok. We have all been there. Or maybe its just me? I have been there so many times, I can write the manual. Actually I swear that my bible, "He's Just Not That Into You", was written because of me and the issues I have experienced over the years with men and relationships. It screamed at me as a wake up call and worked for a long long long time. I actually highlighted my copy and would refer to it often, sometimes still do to remind myself of the "Hot Foxy Lady" I am.

I think I should have done PR for the book as I referred and recommended it to so many people. What does it mean when he looks at a picture of your friends after hooking up and asks you to "hook him up" with one of them - oh, it means he is a jerk. What does it mean when he doesn't call when he says he will? He is a jerk. What does it mean when you go out on a date, and you seemingly have an amazing time, you laugh, you joke and he waits a week to call you or doesn't call at all? Oh, it means the same thing - Jerk. What does it mean when a man will not call you his girlfriend, not introduce you to his friends or family, doesn't take you out to dinner or anywhere for that matter, but claim that he cares so much about you? Oh, and is not ready to commit? That is right...jerk jerk jerk. How about one more, how about the one that lies about having season tickets to the Raptors and Leafs, but then buys tickets from you on sale because you work at the ACC and have access to tickets? uh huh....you guessed it, jerk.

I think you are getting the picture here, and perhaps where I may be going with this. Sadly, these are not examples that I have picked up from dinner conversations with friends or over a bottle of wine with an angry singles group or from the book or even a really really bad reality program on television. Guess what? I am the one that has had the pleasure of these experiences - and oh so many more. The book basically told women, especially me, what we actually already know - it was just a very friendly and funny reminder. A book alone based on my dating experience would have you in rolling on the floor laughing, or crying, at how ridiculous it has been. Keep your eyes out, it could very well be the next #1 New York Times Bestseller!

The follow up book was called "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" but in my case, the second would be called "It's Called a Breakup Because you are The One Before the One". For example, it has happened not once, but twice. #1 - I was dating a guy (4 months after my really really bad break up with Raptors seasons seats holder) and he had an ex fiance in his past. We dated, and I was a bit resentful since this particular man wasn't the one who had broken my heart and I wished that it was, still not over him. Anyway, I guess he had enough and ended up going back to his ex fiance, moved in together and asked her to marry him again.

#2 - I met a lovely man. The nicest guy I have ever dated. He was so nice, cute, polite, kind, caring, opened doors, a classic gentleman, everything I would want in someone - plus we could talk about anything forever. He had an ex fiance who had broken up with him breaking his heart. She came back months later, pledged her love to him and apologized for the mistake she made. He was torn for a few months and I used a great line..."you already know how it ends with her, but you don't know how it will end up with me." I guess I wasn't slick enough as he chose her and she moved back to the province. I ended up getting her a job and I even cleaned his house the night before she came home to live with him. Yes, you read correctly. They are engaged and living the dream, probably married by now. See? The one BEFORE the one. I noticed the trend, and then I ate some poutine.

Sometimes I think I am just impossible to please. I have a list of expectations, not written down or anything - but is it too much to ask for someone to open doors and not drop them on you? Or, take you out and surprise you? Or leave notes showing they care, or giving you a card on your birthday....or if dating a Chef, them buying groceries and making you dinner as a treat? On a side note, I have dated a couple of Chef's and they are indeed a different breed. One said that he had to consider me special in order for him to cook for me - needless to say, I will never know how good of Chef he actually was. The other, well, ahem *Phony* ahem. Can he just play Hockey? Nothing says man like a pair of skates, jeans and a jersey shooting the puck around with his friends or in a game - they don't even have to actually be playing hockey, holding the stick while skating around is sexy enough for me. I do love men, and hope one day for a somewhat normal and happy relationship with one of them. Although at times of desperation and irritation I have considered switching teams to make my life easier, I truly believe there is one out there for me. One that is normal. Just one. That will make me breakfast in bed or just bring me a tall non fat no foam latte in bed...how about someone like Mark Ruffalo or Eric Dane?

Right now, I think it is too much to ask. Right now, I need to look at myself and focus on being Phat, Fit & Fabulous and getting closer to my goal. Caterpillar to Super Sexy Foxy. It is just so difficult to not think about Love or Schmove since my eggs are past the age wanted in the classifieds.

Blog Soon,

PFF

Home Greasy Home!

2009-08-24T19:13:00.007-04:00

So I am sure you get the idea now that I am on a mission to lose weight in order to become Phat, Fit & Fabulous. Everyday is challenging, some worse than others. I am excited for the end result, although it is still pretty far down the road so I feel the need to entertain us both in order to get through it. I am going to talk about temptation today.

There are many temptations that surround me everywhere, all day long. Do you remember the smooth talker? Exactly. Need I say more? To be completely honest, it can be very difficult. I am sure "normal" people don't feel this way or may not understand what I am talking about.....or may not understand my intermittent thoughts of Peanut Butter, Pizza, Pasta etc. but I appreciate whoever is listening to me ramble on about them!

I live downtown Toronto at the corner of Queen Street and Broadview Avenue. I have lived here for almost 6 years. Actually this is the longest I have lived anywhere since I was 18. This neighbourhood is also known as Leslieville. I love it here. Although I have had two psycho neighbours and I was assaulted the day after I moved in by two women with mullets, I still love my fabulous hardwood floors, high ceilings and jacuzzi tub. I love the way the streetcars shake my apartment as they go by in four directions 24 hours a day, and that Duke, Meryl and the kids (what I like to call my pet pigeon family) sit on my window sill and air conditioning unit to let me know they are doing well. Also, the flashing lights of Jilly's, a very classy adults only establishment, brightens up the neighbourhood and my kitchen at nighttime and on cloudy days, giving this neighbourhood a certain je ne sais quoi.

Many of you may or may not know, Leslieville is a great little area, which was very up and coming for such a long time, but has now finally arrived. I have been fighting for dignity in this little neighbourhood that could for almost 7 years now and victory is finally mine!

It has fabulous restaurants that tempt me daily like The Real Jerk which brings the essence of the Carribbean to my corner with the best chicken roti ever...Table 17 which is the newest hotspot, Joy Bistro, one of my favourite brunches, The Comrade which is the perfect first date spot and has the most beautiful furniture and exposed brick walls I have ever seen. The Burger Shoppe, Pop Bistro, The Dark Horse Espresso Bar, Pic Nic, Lil Baci, The Citizen and many others make up this incredible food filled neighbourhood. Sometimes, the wind blows the delicious aroma of the freshly baked bread from the Weston Bakery on Eastern...right into my bedroom window which is not the best thing for someone who is trying to avoid indulgence and sticking to a healthy regime.

Then there is the greatest temptation of them all. This one is not down the street, not even across the street but right downstairs, meaning, underneath my apartment right now, I can smell the ultimate in Leslieville dining pleasure, Dangerous Dan's. Dangerous Dan's is exactly that, dangerous. Dangerous for your hips, your thighs, your stomach and your ass. I swear I have put on the pounds by just having the aroma of phat rise into my apartment. I am not going to lie, I have had them deliver before. Honestly, it couldn't be closer, that was just pure laziness on my part.

To give you an idea of what is offered at this greasy spoon, The Coronary Burger is the staple - and if you are able to finish the 2 8oz Patties, 4 Slices of Bacon, 2 Slices of Cheddar and a Fried Egg on top or the Quadruple C Burger that is a 24oz burger served with a quarter pound of cheese, a quarter pound of bacon and 2 fried eggs on top then you are awarded your polaroid photograph on the Wall of Gluttony. Really, take a walk in, you may be scared by the growling men behind the counter or the car seats (for real) as seats in the restaurant. There are women's undergarments hanging, and the clientele ranges from Jilly's patrons who don't want to eat at the world famous Jilly's kitchen to The Opera House crowd to yuppies. There is something called an Elvis Burger that actually has Peanut Butter and Banana on it - surprisingly I have never ordered one - I have had a quarter of one during a girl's night a few months ago and I must say, it was damn good. I usually *meaning once a week* order a small poutine, which is not really small at all - but it is amazing. Not just mozzerella the real cheese curds you get in REAL poutine. I always get it to go, sit on my couch and pair it with a bottle of shiraz - um, I mean glass. Oh, and I have never ordered the deep fried mars bar, I have limits!

When I walk by every morning, drive back by on my way home and enter my building and smell it - especially on cold winter nights, it can be tough - especially when I can easily order Poutine or slave over a hot stove preparing an entire meal for just me. Don't get me wrong, Dangerous Dan's does provide comfort, it is like a warm cozy sweater on a crisp fall morning but I have to remember that although the temptation is very strong - I need to step away from the poutine.

For the past week it has been fairly easy actually, resisting the temptation. Sure, week one is easy! Talk to me during the NFL season. I can guarantee that on one of those amazing fall football, crisp Sunday afternoon's the Poutine will be having a drink with the Starbucks cookie and a jar of Skippy at The Comrade and call me over, knowing that I am committed to my goal. Boy oh boy will they try, but I have to live 'Dangerously' and live with my decision to be Fit and Fabulous!

Blog Soon,
PFF

Editor's Note: This one is dedicated to Baby Momma :) xoxo

The Big Phat Weight Reveal, Week 2

2009-08-24T09:17:00.011-04:00

I have decided in order to keep myself motivated, I will post my weight each week - every Monday - so you can keep track (if interested) on the progress. I call it Week 2, because it is the beginning of Week 2, but I could call it "after Week 1" but it just doesn't sound that great - I don't want to mislead anyone either that it has been longer than it has. Regardless, I am posting my weight in order to keep myself, and perhaps some of you motivated that this is really happening and I am really working hard at attaining my own personal goal of losing 50lbs in the next 9 months.

13km is a long walk - it takes just under 2 hours, actually I have decreased my time by 4 minutes from when I first started. Two hours means there is A LOT of time to be thinking. If you know me, you know that I already think way too much. I do enjoy the fact that I cannot be reached during this time by phone, by email and that it is time just for me. Just me and Mariah, Janet, Michael, Snoop, Dre and many many more....so I don't feel completely alone. Different thoughts do enter my mind, some may consider them random - but yesterday what kept me going is how good I will look in an outfit similar to this one:

She is fabulous, looks amazing and I want a photo shoot done (same day as naked fur on a chaise day) wearing this - again, can we say Fabulous Infinity? Especially when I will treat myself to a fabulous pair of Louboutin's! Oh, and no doubt there will be some SERIOUS strutting in this outfit. I still want curves *just not as many as I have now* and I would be very happy with myself if I can pull this look off especially since my hair is already fabulous.

Yesterday I discussed the mind games, what you are about to read is the numbers game:

This morning, the scale reflected my weight as follows:

215.

In the past week:

Pounds gone: 4

Starbucks Chocolate Chunk Cookies: ZERO - yes, you read correctly. I haven't had one in over a week now - 9 days clean

Chocolate bars: Zero

Cool Ranch Doritos (or any other chips): Zero

Peanut Butter: 1 teaspoon with banana before a 13km walk (NO tablespoons!)

Salad and vegetables: more than ever - didn't count

Fruit: more than ever - didn't count

Number of KM walked: 52

Although I have only lost 4lbs, and most likely mostly water weight I am happy the number went down rather than up - which is the whole point of all of this. Progress may be slow, but the results will last hopefully forever :)

Exercise today: Day off walking, back at 13KM tomorrow night. Try not to feel so bad about making mistakes.

Mind Games

2009-08-23T02:44:00.002-04:00

Day 5 & 6 both went by without any major catastrophes. I am not too sure what I expected to happen exactly or why this surprises me a little, but I can’t help but wonder what it will be this time. When will I slip? What food will I make the excuse in my mind that it is ok to eat, regardless of how bad it is for me and how it goes against everything I am trying to accomplish here? What will be my excuse to stop exercising? Will it be one of the same excuses I have used before or will I get more creative this time? I could convince myself what I am doing wont make a difference, or question what is the point or that I am actually meant to be this size. The mind is a powerful thing, mine just happens to play games on me.

Maybe, just maybe, I can actually be one of those really large women that are happy with their size and have not an ounce of a negative body image. You know exactly the ones I am talking about. Those women that wear really tight shirts, short skirts, yellow dresses that show a little too much to us, but they are more confident than anyone you or I have ever known. Different areas are hanging, cellulite is showing and it isn’t pretty to many outsiders. They are Phat, Fabulous and very happy. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, feeling no shame. *On a side note, they should figure out if they have friends or frenemies as I wonder where these women’s friends are when wearing a canary yellow dress (Heidi or Gisele are the only two women in the world that can look good in that colour) so why they don’t say something and why do they insist on letting them go out like that?

I am not a hater, I promise – but I do wonder if I am someone that could be happy being this big. The fact that it has been a struggle for so long, makes me think no, I wont be happy this way. Some days I think I can see what my body will look like in a bikini, sans neck phat – and to be honest, it looks a lot better than Fabulous…. Can we say Fabulous Infinity? I know that I have wanted this for so long and remember telling myself every summer before the new school year, this time I will do it and show everyone. As I got older and older, I kept telling myself I would do it, proving to people that I was truly amazing, truly beautiful and sometimes I imagined that what people saw was actually a Phat suit, and that I could just take it off and be like everyone else. That I really had a great body, but I wanted to see how "they" would treat me. I would start a regime, get great at it, be dedicated to exercise only to give up after 3 months, 30lbs or whenever an excuse crept in, allowing other excuses to continue and step in to take over - bringing me right back to where I would have to start from scratch all over again. .

When I think of waking up and how my body feels and how I grab at certain “fuller” aka “Phatter” parts and get really frustrated or when I feel embarrassed walking in front of guys, people in general, eating, thinking what people must think of me. I am sure they are wayyyy too busy to even have me cross their mind, but still I do wonder! No matter what happens, I know that I really really want to do it for real this time, just like the other times – I just hope that this will stick and I will follow through to the end.

I am the only one who has control of this. If I eat healthy and exercise regularly it will come off, so it is actually very simple. I will feel healthier, lighter and look more Fabulous in clothes, in particular, strapless dresses. I will be able to pose nude on fur, walk down Broadview wearing a bikini – hell I will go to work wearing one, and create a fashion line just so I can strut down the street wearing it. Oh yeah, did I mention I will become a strutter when this is all said and done? I know someone who struts, and she looks Fabulous doing it – I just want the chance to strut as well - I just hope I don’t hurt myself. Wait though, if I do hurt myself, I could meet a really cute Doctor and we could get married and live on Inglewood Drive to adore each other for eternity…again, I digress.

In the back of my mind, I think something could or will happen that will stop me from attaining my goal. Then I snap back and realize the truth: that it will only be that way if I let it. Yes, I bet this may sound confusing to you, but these are the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, in this first week of change. I know it is for the greater good, and doing this will only make me happier, and live a more fulfilled life. Sometimes though it is hard to find the strength. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a fighter. As long as I refuse to lose the battle, I am golden...like the golden glow of the sun, when it shines on peanut butter, or pizza, or risott0 - acutally, golden like a warm fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie.

Exercise for today: continue to ignore the Phony, try to forget the Phony, try to remain positive for myself and others, eat healthy – appreciate that Friday night I still made my 13KM walk and will head out for another 13km Sunday.

Blog soon,
PFF

Friend or Frenemy? What do you want to be?

2009-08-21T14:12:00.015-04:00

I am a huge fan of Sex and the City. Huge. I mean, I loved it from the first episode I ever watched back in 1998 and I still have Sex and the City Marathons on rainy Sunday afternoons. Little did I know that it would have the impact on society that it has, but I am sure happy it did. Finally, a show about women who have it all: successful careers, independence, incredible style *thank you Patricia Field* and most importantly, friendships. Friendships that saw the good, the bad and the ugly - and became even stronger as time went on. Yes, I know it is a tv show, a tv show in fact that is long over (insert sad face here) but probably the most realistic portrayal of women and relationships I have ever watched. (ok, leaving out the incredulous amount of Manolo's, Louboutin's and size of apartments in NYC). Real women everywhere could relate to one, or a combination of two or more of the characters eventually coming out of their own shells beginning to talk more openly with one another about everything.

I recall an episode called "Frenemies" which reminded me of what I wanted to blog about today - hence my homage and respect to the best TV show of all time. Feel free to share your favourite Sex and the City moments with me.....I am happy to relive them over and over!

It is truly amazing what you can learn about people and the role they play in your life. I just so happen to have really really Fabulous girlfriends, about five that are very near, dear and very close to my heart who have been there through thick and thin with me or should I say "Phat" and thin? tee hee... All kidding aside, no matter what, they have been there, I have loved them, they have loved me and the most important ones show support, courage and love in the most desperate of times. Even when I have been completely irrational, upset, or have stupidly caused an argument - the incredible ones remain and love me and accept me for all that I am and decisions bad or good I have made. I love them too and no matter what, I am there for those I care for, and always will be.

If you are lucky like me, you have a few really close girlfriends that have your back. The ones that you can call in the middle of the night, talk to when you need to get something out, tell you what they think no matter how harsh because they genuinely care and don't want you to look or act stupidly. The ones that will finish three bottles of wine in a night with you to talk about a breakup, the list goes on and on and on. There are many great friends I have had, that I have currently and I am sure will make in the coming years. There are friends now that I have started this blog from long ago who have shown so much support - as if we never lost touch. Truly amazing and this is the type of friend that I want to be and continue to surround myself with.

Sometimes friendships fade, you change, they change, you part ways, you grow up, you move away, your lives go in separate directions or perhaps a really huge misunderstanding has lead to the demise of the once great relationship. Regardless of the ending, I believe the friendships that you share with others have some kind of lesson and reason attached.

Being a woman, I can fully appreciate what women are capable of. We are capable of loving, caring, nurturing, mothering, multi tasking, taking care of others, listening, lending a hand when needed, showing support and all of the many wonderful things we can provide.

Then there is the other kind of friend. I am sure one or more of you have experienced the "Frenemy". The one who speaks so nicely to your face, but has nothing but insensitive thoughts, words and toxic actions that revolve around you, around others that surround them. There are women who lie, who are jealous, unhappy in their own lives and want you to be unhappy too or they are just completely two faced and miserable.

I always wonder about these women in particular, wondering why spend the energy "pretending" to be someones "friend" and then turn around and insult them or make fun of them behind their back? This happened to me fairly recently and it really struck me in a negative way. How, at 33 years old have I allowed someone like this to be in and around my circle? Such childish behaviour, it is difficult to understand. The only thing I can come up with for this type of women is a. it will come back ten fold, what goes around comes around, Karma is a beeotch etc. and b. they are so unhappy in their own life that they feel the need to speak badly about others to make themselves feel better. I really thought we got over all of that in high school or even college but I guess some women just never grow up.

With getting from Phat to Fit to Fabulous, right now I feel like I am a caterpillar. I will eventually be a super sexy butterfly. Although currently a work in progress, for my body to evolve and change, my mindset will too. My closest and dearest friend has questioned why I let certain people back in my life. I choose to give people a chance, two chances, sometimes ten chances - but to only be disappointed again. I finally see her point. In order for me to be healthy, I need a healthy mind, healthy relationships - life is just way too short to feel miserable.

By disposing of the Phony, the old bad habits, my relationships with toxic food, I have to really consider at this age who I want to surround myself with. The beautiful, talented and magnificent women who currently surround me (you know you who are) are exactly what I need in my life.
This is a dedication to them and to all the naysayers, the snickering people who act this way....please think about what type of friend you want to be or want to be thought of as.

I know my answer, I want to be remembered and thought of as loving, caring, nurturing, sometimes frustrating, silly, fun, Phat, Fit and Fabulous and to know that I was the best girlfriend and person I could possibly be - inside and out.

Love you girls, xoxo

Blog Soon,
PFF

Ode to Peanut Butter

2009-08-20T09:33:00.014-04:00

I think that I should start off all posts with a specific food I love as an introduction and in a way a dedication to those I have loved, dedicated my life to and are slowly starting to leave behind.

Let's start with how much I love peanut butter. I love it so much it hurts. Ok, well not that much, but I love it as much as I weigh so - my love is heavy! (refer to The Big PHAT Weight Reveal for more info) Skippy smooth is the best, followed by regular Kraft and last but certainly not least, Jif. Don't give me organic, sugarless or crunchy, I wont touch it. But smooth? I can eat Skippy smooth peanut butter by the spoon, and oh no, not just one spoon - a few. Oh, and not just a teaspoon, I am talking a full overflowing tablespoon here. This is a VERY bad habit that I have had since I was a kid. As a child I would crave it after swimming - each and everytime! I would just "have to have" Peanut Butter and the perfect beverage match, lemonade.

Before Phat to Fit to Fabulous started, I would refrain from buying peanut butter because I know, like the Seductive Starbucks cookie (day 5 without one!) it calls me from the cupboard. Unlike the cookie though it calls me baby and sexy and you already know I am a sucker for a smooth talker - just imagine how smooth the smooth peanut butter sounds. Heaven. Pure and simple. Incredibly hard to resist. I do give in sometimes, and although there is some in my cupboard right now, I have not gone over to it with a spoon since starting this blog. Yay me. :)

So, onto the next subject....ok who am I kidding, just a bit more.....

Alone, peanut butter and chocolate are incredible. As a combination, they are killer. Peanut Butter and Chocolate is pure magic. Whoever created this magnificent pairing was one brilliant and mean, mean man. I have decided it must have been a man because I am frustrated with men right now, and I need throw a little more frustration their way.

Reeces Pieces or peanut butter cups, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.....peanut butter and banana sandwiches on whole wheat, peanut butter and jam by the spoon, peanut butter on toast with jam. Peanut butter on pizza? yes, I said it. I have even had peanut butter on some pizza once, okay, maybe it was twice. Let's just say, this love affair has been going strong for 20 years plus. I have no problem committing to peanut butter. Maybe my love affair with peanut butter over the years has contributed to my current Phat and Fabulous self? Mmmm...it's amazing how putting your thoughts on a blog can bring so many things to light. Maybe, just maybe, letting go of this love affair in particular will help me eventually find a love affair that I can commit to in human form? Random thoughts, random thoughts.

How about those Jays? ok - they suck, I hate baseball so much - has to be the most boring sport on television or to even watch live - and I love live sporting events. What is with the random thoughts today?!?! Must be a side effect from lack of peanut butter as I would NEVER discuss baseball with a clear mind.

Excellent news! I went for another 13km walk last night with my friend Alana last night. We kicked the Mount "not so" Pleasant Mountain's butt and to be completely honest, it felt great getting through Day 3 (also with the help from your incredibly kind and supportive words - thank you!!) without giving into how crappy I was feeling. Can we say FABULOUS? Let me tell you, Day 3 was crappy, the crappiest in fact - but it is DONE and I really truly want to work hard enough where I will never ever have to go through another Day 3 again. Day 4 is a piece of cake so far! Ok, not actually a piece of cake, like I wont have one or anything, but I may think about one, a chocolate and peanut butter one actually...mmmm...or those incredibly amazing peanut butter and chocolate cupcakes from The Cupcakery (http://www.thecupcakeryto.com/) (shout out to Baby Momma, what!? what?!).

Exercise today: day off from 13km, eating healthy, ignore the phony, you know - the usual Fabulous day!

Blog Soon,

PFF